30. Chapter 30
Chapter 30
Stella
" S tell." JR rose as soon as he saw me.
I side-stepped away from the hug he wanted to give me, and he frowned but nodded, as if he understood. I wondered if he did. He sat on a bench.
"JR," I murmured.
The gazebo was a new addition to my garden. I'd built it a few months before the shit hit the fan. It was a charming centerpiece amidst the tapestry of lush greenery. I thought its classic, white, wooden structure adorned with climbing roses added a touch of romance. Around its base, the built-in benches curved gracefully. Next to each supporting pillar, elevated tables provided convenient spaces for setting down books, drinks, or small plates, enhancing the gazebo's functionality. Noah had left his pitcher of mint julep next to JR. I poured myself a glass of the cocktail, and sat on the other side of the gazebo, wanting physical distance from my half-sibling.
He'd sold me out to Eden. I didn't expect much from JR; he was so much like my father. He never treated me well, but I never thought he'd set out to humiliate me in public, something even Noah, who had then been revenge-thirsty, had not been prepared to do.
I looked around as I waited for him to speak, say whatever it was he was here to unload on me. From the looks of it, he was here to assuage his guilt.
Well, good luck, buddy. You should ask how it's working out for Noah.
But I knew that Noah was sincere in his apology. JR didn't have an honest bone in his body. He was and would always be a politician, ready to do whatever he needed to gain power.
The gazebo was bathed in the soft light of early evening, and once again, I was glad I had built it because it served both as a sanctuary for reflection and a gathering spot for joyous occasions. Right now, it made me feel better to sit here to have what I knew wouldn't be an easy conversation on either side.
"I know I haven't been the brother you needed or deserved," JR started, his gaze fixed on me.
No shit, Sherlock.
"I never thought of you as a brother," I told him. I wasn't being mean or cruel, I was just stating a fact.
JR was a year younger than me, and I adored him from the moment he was born, relishing the chance to play with a baby. However, we never truly bonded, and although we weren't friends, we maintained a decent relationship until we entered our teenage years. That's when his behavior shifted from mild hostility to outright cruelty. As the saying goes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree—and he came by it honestly from being Baron and Whitney's child.
The turning point was when I turned fifteen, and had been invited to a summer landscape architecture program at Cornell. I was so excited. It would look so good on my college applications. I wanted to go to Cornell, the best school for landscape architecture in the country, and this was an opportunity of a lifetime.
My father and his mother were out at a party when JR decided to take my father's brand-new Lamborghini and dent it during his joy ride. When my father saw what happened, he was ready to kill. JR blamed me for it, and my father believed him over me, barring me from going to Cornell that summer. I'd had to work throughout the summer to pay for the dent.
It wasn't until a couple of years ago that JR admitted, during a Thanksgiving dinner, that he'd framed me—as if it was a joke, a harmless prank a brother played on a sister. But it hadn't been. Even then, I knew it came from a place of malice. I stopped talking to JR after the incident, and even now, I only spoke to him when it was completely unavoidable.
"What do you want?" I asked him. I was so tired of bullshit men and their need to constantly show how big their dick was.
"I want to apologize, not just for letting Eden access that video but… everything ."
"A blanket apology for past and future sins?" I couldn't keep the bitterness out of my voice. Men like JR thought that they were doing you a favor by apologizing, and minions like me would just accept said regrets, and make them feel better.
At least Noah hadn't pulled this shit. He'd actually gone about his apology with a hell of a lot more humility than JR.
"I'm hoping there will be no future sins." He sounded almost sincere. "I know I've let you down. I regret that."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"You're forgiven for all your crimes." I got up and held my hand to the garden. "You can go now."
He didn't move. "You're being sarcastic."
"No, JR. I'm telling you I don't give a shit one way or the other. I don't care about or believe your apology. I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, and I can't throw you very far. I think you're probably here to play some game for Daddy or Whit or Eden. In any case, it doesn't matter. I've washed my hands of y'all."
He just sat, listening.
The lights in the gazebo showed a man who was in considerable emotional distress. It didn't make me feel good. I knew JR since he was a baby. For the longest time, I'd been proud to have a little brother—and we'd played together until Whit put a stop to it. When he was a child, he had no choice but to do what his mother chose for him, but as an adult, he continued on that path, and that was JR being a terrible human being. He had no one to blame for it other than himself.
"I deserve that." He hung his head.
"You know what I don't deserve?" I waited for him to look at me. "Having you come here pretending to be sorry so you can feel better about being an asshole to me all my life for no other reason except that I existed. I don't deserve that. You don't get to come here and look at me with your puppy dog eyes, expecting to feel better for being a horrible human being. Take your guilt or whatever the fuck else you're carrying, and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Because I am not interested."
Eight months ago, if JR had come like this, hat in hand, I would've welcomed him back. Because that was the old and stupid Stella, the one whose middle name was Doormat.
"I'm not playing any games, I promise. I…can't believe what I did to you—not just that summer with the car and Cornell…but all the time."
I folded my arms and, for a moment, wished Noah was here with me to stand behind me in case I fell. I didn't want to forgive my family for their intentional and unintentional cruelty.
"Since that video came out, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how I treated you; how we all did." He looked like he hadn't been sleeping well. There were shadows under his eyes, and he looked a little haggard.
Footsteps made me look up, and I saw Noah come to the gazebo as if he'd heard my heart call out to him.
"Noah," JR nodded, glanced at him, and then went back to staring at the white wooden floor of the gazebo.
Noah poured himself a drink, and settled back on the bench, pulling me into him. I debated whether to push him away, and then gave up and rested my head against his shoulder. It was a tumultuous day when the brother who hated you all his life was trying to or pretending to make amends—and I needed someone to lean on.
"I didn't think you both were really together," JR mumbled. "Mama said y'all were pretending because of the video."
Noah brushed his lips against my forehead. "Did you get to tell her what you needed to?"
JR flinched at the question. "Some of it."
"You okay with what he's saying?" Noah asked me.
"I don't know," I admitted sincerely.
"If you feel upset or uncomfortable, we'll close this conversation down. Alright?" When he saw my small nod, he turned his attention back to JR. "Why are you so jealous of Stella?"
Now, I did snap my head back. What? JR wasn't jealous of me. What the hell was Noah smoking?
"You know why…" JR said sadly, and you could've knocked me down with a feather. "She's the one everyone loved. Everyone . From my friends, to Gage's, to the household staff, the gardener…everyone. People met her once and…."
"So, it's her fault?" Noah demanded, iron in his tone.
JR shook his head and dropped his face in his hands. "I was jealous because I'm not a very good person," he finally admitted. "When Eden was talking about how you were into Stella, I foolishly told her that you were only using her to get Daddy to sign off on the bridge project. When she said she didn't believe it, I got all puffed up, and showed her the video. Next thing I know, it's all over the fuckin' Internet. I go talk to Eden and she's giddy, asking me how I liked them apples."
I couldn't understand the vitriol my own family felt for me. My father, Whit, JR…. It all made me wonder about Gage. Sure, he was a spineless boy, who didn't stand up for me or even himself, but maybe he hated me, too.
"I'm confused." I felt so fatigued. A therapy session a week with Dr. Ryan wasn't going to cut it, I thought. My whole life was a shitshow. Maybe I needed to start seeing her twice a week. "I was always nice to you, JR. I didn't do a damn thing to you."
"You, Stella, are gold. You have the biggest heart. You're sweet…or at least you used to be; I hear you've started cussing these days." He smiled to let me know he was trying to lighten the mood.
"Why didn't you like my big heart and sweetness, then?" I retorted.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
The universe gives back when you send it.
Give respect to get respect.
Treat people the way you want to be treated.
Show the kindness you wish to see in the world.
Blah, blah, blah.
I took all those lessons to heart. I wanted to be a good person—so that my father would love me, my stepmother would stop enacting chapter and verse of Cinderella, my half-brothers would treat me like family; and the man I loved would not record me having sex with him. Christ! And people wondered why I wanted to leave Savannah?
"Because I'm not as good as you," JR said ruefully. "But I want to be better. I want to be someone you can be proud of. I'm so sorry, Stell, for all the bullshit I put you through."
I felt Noah's arms tighten around me. He'd conveyed some variations of the same sentiment to me about himself.
"I'm out of the business of accepting apologies," I maintained. "I'm working to forget, not forgive. In any case, all this doesn't matter. I'm leaving Savannah."
JR's head snapped up. "What? I thought you and Noah are—"
"Faking it." It seemed disingenuous to lean on Noah when I was telling my half-sibling that this was all fantasy. "I'm leaving after Christmas. Y'all can live your lives as you've been, pretending I don't exist."
I didn't have to look at Noah to see the disappointment on his face. I knew he thought we were making progress. He wasn't wrong. We were. But now, listening to JR told me one thing, I had literally nothing to hold me back in this city, and when I was gone, no one would miss me.