37. Chapter 36
Chapter 36
Blake
I waited until I was sure AJ had walked away before going to the bathroom to wash my face. Again. I’d been crying off and on all day and my cheeks were dry from the salt.
Red lines filled the whites of my eyes; the surrounding skin was puffy and swollen. No amount of washing could fix that.
I don’t want him to see me like this . Not that I was overly vain, but still.
My stomach rumbled, pissed I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.
Squaring my shoulders, I told myself I could face him as I walked down the hall.
My stomach didn’t just rumble when the smell of roasted garlic and sautéing chicken hit my nose, it growled like a starving wolf.
I can do this. I can act like a civil human being and pretend my eyes don’t look like I’ve been crying all day. I had to because there was no telling what my body would do if I didn’t feed it.
“It smells good in here.” Nothing to see here, folks, just polite conversation .
AJ turned at the sound of my voice. His eyes roamed up and down, pausing on my face. I saw something flicker in his eyes, but it was gone before I could identify it.
“Thanks. I hope you like chicken and garlic mashed potatoes,” he said.
“I do. Anything I can do to help?” I asked. It felt like the right thing to do, even if my heart wasn’t in it.
“Want to set the table while I finish up?”
“Sure.”
So far, so good, but in a few minutes, we’d be sitting across from one another. And just because he hadn’t said anything yet, didn’t mean he wouldn’t.
AJ plated our meals and set them on the table before taking his seat.
Hoping to hide my eyes, I avoided making eye contact.
“Dig in,” he said, picking up his fork. “I wasn’t sure if you’d like as much garlic as I do, so I went light.”
“Thanks, it looks delicious.” AJ’s idea of light garlic was enough to make it the predominate scent.
The seasoned chicken looked fancy for a safe house meal, so I tried it first. It was so good, I involuntarily moaned with pleasure.
“I’ll take that as a sign of approval.” He chuckled.
“So good,” I confirmed.
I tried the potatoes next. The texture was melt-in-my-mouth creamy goodness, and the garlic was perfect.
“So good,” I admitted. “If this is light garlic, how much do you usually add?”
Safe, polite conversation. I can do that without crying.
“Twice what’s in there.” He grinned. “You’d think I was afraid of vampires.” He laughed.
I couldn’t quite bring myself to laugh with him, but I did crack a smile.
The food was delicious, but I only ate about half before I was full. AJ broke the silence when he noticed me pushing the food around my plate.
“Blake, you don’t have to force yourself to keep eating if you’re done.”
“Thanks.”
He put his fork down. “Blake.” He waited, but I didn’t look up. “Blake, please look at me.”
I gave in and lifted my head. The empathy I saw in his eyes wasn’t what I’d expected. How does he keep doing that? Surprising me at every turn?
“I know this is hard, but I want you to know I’m here if you want to talk.”
“Thanks, but I’m fine.” I wasn’t, but I couldn’t talk to him about any of this.
While we cleaned up, I asked AJ if he’d always wanted to be a PI. It gave me a chance to get to know him a little, while alleviating the uncomfortable silence with a safe topic.
“Not really. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do after leaving the Army.”
“How’d you end up at Sheppard & Sons?”
“I was doing building security in Florida, but hated it. When Jack told me SSI was looking to hire a full-time bodyguard and private investigator, I booked the next flight to Texas and never looked back.”
“I can’t imagine leaving my family behind like that.”
If I hadn’t been standing so close, I might have missed his jaw clenching. I didn’t know what had upset him and was afraid to ask.
“Was it hard to become a PI?” I moved back to the original topic.
“No, but it took me a while to earn my bachelor’s degree. Luckily, my time at SSI served as my on-the-job training and I got my license last year.”
We talked for a few more minutes before I went back to my room. I still felt bad for not eating more of the dinner he’d worked so hard on, but I couldn’t stomach it.
My mind wouldn’t let me concentrate on reading, and before long, I was crying again.
I’d never felt so alone. My friends were probably at the library getting ready for mid-terms while I was locked away in hiding because my father might be a criminal.
Did any of them know what was happening? Did they care?
They had their own problems and wouldn’t worry about me missing a study session. It didn’t matter that I usually organized them. Or sprung for pizza during late night study sessions. Or picked up the tab at the bar.
Did they even like me, or just my bank account?
I wasn’t sure how long I cried before I heard the door creak after a quick knock.
“Blake, can I come in?” AJ asked softly from the doorway.
I sniffled before answering, “Yeah.” Not wanting him to see my tear-stained face for a second time, I didn’t turn over.
The bed sagged behind me.
“Want to talk about it?” he asked.
Sniffle. No, I didn’t want to admit to the man who was surrounded by loving and supportive friends that I was crying my eyes out because I didn’t think my friends really liked me.
No, I didn’t want to tell the strong, gorgeous man who was being paid to protect me because I’m rich that I didn’t think anyone would care about me if I was poor.
“Blake? Do you want me to leave?”
My arm moved without my permission, reaching for AJ. “No.”
“Can you turn over and talk to me?”
I did him one better, turning over and sitting up.
The light from the hall was enough for me to see the soft expression on his face as he leaned back on the headboard.
Resisting the urge to lean into him, I hugged my knees to my chest.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Anything,” he answered.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” I avoided looking at his face. “I mean, I know you have to be nice to me because my dad is paying you, but you’re being nicer than required.”
His chest lifted as he sucked in a big breath. It sank as his exhaled breath whistled out.
“Blake, look at me.”
He reached out one hand, holding me captive as I watched his long, muscular finger reach for my face. Good Lord, he has muscles everywhere . He tilted my head up, so I had no choice but to look into his eyes.
My breath caught in my throat at the depth of emotion I saw there.
“We need to get a few things straight. I’m not being nice because I have to. Being friendly isn’t a requirement for me to do my job.”
“Then why?”
“I...” He ran his hand over the stubble on his jaw. “You deserve some kindness in your life.”
I could see the war in his eyes. What’s he hiding from me now?
“What makes you think I don’t have kindness in my life?”
“I’ve seen how some of your friends treat you, and I wouldn’t call it kind.” He sighed.
“Paige isn’t so bad.”
“Maybe, but what’s up with Danny?”
I’d asked myself that more than a few times.
“He befriended Paige. I ignore a lot of his shit for her sake.” Before Danny, Paige and I were a lot closer. If it weren’t for her, I would have already ended my friendship with him.
“Are they dating?”
I laughed at that. “No. He’s never asked her out. Though he’s tried to manipulate me into a date a time or two.”
“Wait, what? How does one manipulate someone into a date?” He sounded skeptical.
“He’d ask if I wanted ‘company’ to different events. I took him up on it once, but he kept calling it a date. It took weeks of me reminding him it wasn’t before he finally stopped.” I shrugged. “I never accepted again.”
“He’s a piece of work.”
AJ wasn’t entirely wrong. I tried to be a good friend to Danny, but he was selfish, which made it hard.
“Most of my other friends are really just acquaintances. People I know from school or friends of the family.” I thought about it. “Not even that anymore, Priscilla wants them all to herself.”
“She’s the epitome of the ‘wicked step-mother’ archetype.” AJ chuckled.
I laughed so I wouldn’t cry. He was right, and I wanted to hate him for saying it. For seeing it. Seeing me.
Instead, I felt drawn to him.
What would it be like to kiss him?
I released my legs and changed my position, so I was on my knees and sitting on my heels. I stared into AJ’s dark eyes, looking for answers.
His gaze flicked to my lips, my breasts, my hips, and then back up. His desire was unmistakable, but there was something else. Doubt. Hesitation. There were probably rules about getting involved with a client.
I leaned forward, balancing myself on my hands. Could I do this? Can I lean forward and kiss him?
Emotion warred in AJ’s unblinking eyes as he held his breath.
I’ll tell him it’s okay. I won’t let him get in trouble.
I put a hand on his shoulder and closed the last bit of distance between us.
Before our lips touched, AJ turned his head away and gently pushed me back on my heels.
Oh my fucking God . I totally misread the situation. I’m such an idiot . A guy like him would never be attracted to a woman like me. I bet he has a string of gym-going gun-toting women on speed dial .
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have,” I whispered as I inched away from him, shifting so I could hug my knees again.
“Blake-”
“No, I get it. You’re not attracted to me. It’s fine.” I will not cry .
“Hell no, that’s not it.”
What?
“Then why? Is it because you don’t like me?”
“I do.” AJ leaned forward and held one of my hands in both of his. “I don’t just like you, Blake. I love you. But I can’t let this happen.”
Wait, what?
He loves me? That makes zero sense.
Before I could voice my confusion, he continued, “I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret tomorrow.” I shook my head back and forth. “Blake, the only reason you want to kiss me right now is because you’re scared and overwhelmed.”
“Right. Whatever. Being scared doesn’t make you want to kiss someone.” It was hard to keep the hurt out of my voice. But could it be true?
“Actually, it can,” AJ said.
I barely heard his explanation because I was too busy thinking about what he’d just said.
My plan to ask him about his declaration in a calm, rational manner flew out the window when I blurted out, “Did you just say you love me?”
He stopped mid-word, his jaw hanging open.
“Why?”
I openly stared as he slowly closed his mouth and gently shook his head back and forth.
“I don’t know. I can’t explain it, but from the moment I looked into your eyes that first day in the office…” He paused. “No, I felt it the instant I looked at your picture. It was like you reached out and grabbed my heart. It doesn’t make sense. I just know what I felt.”
He looked as confused as I felt.
“You fell in love with me? Before meeting me? Before knowing me?” I couldn’t keep the snarky disbelief out of my voice.
“Sounds crazy, right? But it’s true. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and the Blake I see when I look in your eyes is not the same Blake everyone else sees.”
He sees the real me, not the mask.
“But you deserve so much better.”
I shook my head no. I’m a hot mess.
“Trust me, I have no delusions I could ever be good enough for you.” He looked at my lips. “And kissing you, knowing I can’t have you, would destroy me.”
AJ swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. The bed suddenly felt too big.
“AJ?” I had no idea how to ask him to stay.
He turned and waited, but I couldn’t find the words or the courage to tell him what I wanted.