38. Chapter 37
Chapter 37
AJ
“ T ry to get some rest.” I’d foolishly bared my soul and would have to live with the consequences. It would've been so much easier keeping my distance if she’d been the spoiled brat I’d expected.
Still reeling from the shock of her initiating a kiss, I went to the bathroom to douse my face in ice-cold water. Sad eyes stared back at me in the mirror.
I’d hurt her when I turned away from her kiss, but what else could I do? Kissing her would kill me.
No, tasting one heavenly kiss, then being denied her sweet lips for the rest of my life would kill me .
If I was a better man, I’d ask to be re-assigned and let someone else stay here with her. But I’m not, and I can’t . As hard as it was to be with her every day, every hour, every minute, knowing I couldn’t be the man she needed or wanted, it’d be impossible to be anywhere else.
I had to stay if I wanted to maintain my sanity.
Needing to work off some energy, I cleaned the kitchen. Then I called Jack, offering to relieve him so he could use the restroom and grab a snack.
Once he was back in his car, he called. He greeted me with, “You look like hell.”
“Fuck you, Sheppard.” Leave it to my best friend to kick me when I was down. Not that he knew what had happened, but still.
“She’s under your skin, isn’t she?”
I chugged the last of my water instead of answering. She had been from day one, and he knew it.
“Be patient. She’ll eventually see the teddy bear behind the ogre.” He’d laughed his ass off when I told him what she’d called me. "I’m right outside if you want to talk."
“Thanks.” I couldn’t imagine a scenario in which I’d open up to Jack more than I just had. I trusted him with my life, but couldn’t bring myself to share my darkest secret with my best friend. Which says more about me than him.
Jack would have my back if I shared my past with him. He wouldn’t hold my father’s sins against me, but I wasn’t a talk about my feelings kind of guy. And I didn’t want him looking at me differently, wondering when I’d lose control. I’d never hit a woman in anger.
But what if one day I lose control ?
“Try to get some rest. You’re no good to anyone if you’re dead on your feet.”
“Yes, sir.” I feigned sarcasm I didn’t feel.
I walked the interior perimeter again before taking a cold shower. The torture of the ice-cold drops pelting my skin was the punishment I needed to force my mind back to the task at hand.
Protecting Blake.
Once in bed, I counted the flowers on the wallpaper to bore myself to sleep. Eventually, it worked.
My eyes couldn’t have been closed for more than a few minutes before a blood-curdling scream pierced the night.
I was out of bed and across the hall before my mind registered that I was moving. I pulled Blake’s trembling body into my arms before I finished exhaling my next breath.
“It’s okay. I got you,” I whispered into her hair as I held her, rubbing my hands up and down her back.
Footsteps in the hall had me on my feet and aiming the gun I didn’t remember grabbing at the door.
“It’s Jack,” he called out before stepping into the doorway.
He must have been in the house . I put my gun on the nightstand and sat back down, pulling Blake back into my arms. “It’s okay. You’re safe.”
Jack waited for me to make eye contact before mouthing, “You good?”
When I nodded, he did the same and left quietly.
I was okay.
But Blake wasn’t.
“Blake,” I stopped myself from calling her sweetheart, “tell me what happened in your dream.”
She talked to my chest as I held her. “I was being hunted and every time I thought I found somewhere to hide they found me and they tried to hurt me and I couldn’t run fast enough to get away but then I would and I’d try to hide but they’d find me.” Her run-on re-telling ended with a sob.
“Shhh, it’s okay. I got you,” I whispered before kissing the top of her head. “Can you tell me what they looked like?”
It was possible the phantoms in her dreams were the people threatening her. There was always a chance, no matter how slim, that she’d picked up on something subconsciously, and it was coming out in her nightmares.
She sniffled. “Their faces were blurry.” She sniffled again. “I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize,” I whispered.
After a few minutes, her breathing returned to normal as she melted in my arm, her muscles relaxing.
I reached behind me for the water on the nightstand. “Here, think you can take a few sips for me?” I untwisted the cap and held the bottle out to her.
She nodded and took it. Her eyes tracked from my now empty hand, up my arm and across my shoulder. Her eyes opened wide as she looked at my ink-covered chest.
She reached out and traced the outline of the geometric pattern over my heart. “Did it hurt?”
Not half as much as your touch does, knowing you can never be mine . Great, I’ve turned into a fucking poet.
“Not too much.”
I was in blissful agony as she continued tracing the lines, but I wouldn’t have stopped her if my life depended on it. Her eyes followed the lazy path of her fingertip, as if she was using my body art to calm her mind.
I suffered in silence until she brushed over my nipple, causing me to inhale a sharp breath. Do not get an erection! My body didn’t respond to the command, so I begged, please don’t get an erection . That didn’t work either, so I forced images of battle-ravaged villages into my mind to kill the mood quickly.
“Did I hurt you?” her small voice asked as she stared into my eyes.
The side of my mouth lifted. “No, you didn’t hurt me,” I answered as I laced her fingers in mine, putting an end to the sweet torture of her touch.
“Oh.”
Her eyes gave away her recognition before her voice did. “Oh,” she repeated with more energy.
“Feeling better?” I played with her small fingers, liking the feeling of her soft skin on mine.
“A little.”
“Want to try going back to sleep, or would you rather watch a movie?”
She looked at the door, contemplating. “I should try to go back to sleep.”
“Okay.” I let go of her hand and started to move off the bed. “I’ll leave-”
“Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?”
The fear and hesitation in her voice were more than I could bear.
I’d do anything for her. Suffer anything for her.
I hadn’t even kissed her, but Blake Davenport had ruined me for all other women.
“Of course.” I sat and reclined against the headboard. “Come here.”
I wasn’t sure whose sigh was bigger when she curled into my side.
Without thinking, I reached for my phone to put on some white noise to help her sleep. Shit . I’d left my phone in my room when Blake screamed. It wasn’t a big deal that I didn’t have it to lull her to sleep, but that phone was our only means of contact, and not having it close by made me twitchy.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, lifting her head.
“I was going to put on some white noise, but I left my phone in the other room.”
“Do you want to go get it?”
I did. “Do you mind? I’ll be right back.”
She pushed herself off my chest and sat up, her eyes drifting to the nightstand. “You brought your gun, but not your phone?” She didn’t sound as freaked out as I would’ve expected, given her previous reactions to seeing my gun.
“I acted on instinct when I heard you scream. A gun can stop the bad guy, a phone can’t,” I answered as I got off the bed. Knowing she still wasn’t comfortable with it, I brought my gun with me.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Blake’s voice carried into my room as I grabbed my phone and holster. She might not be comfortable with my gun in the room, but there was no way in hell I’d be caught in a gun fight without it. I tossed on a clean t-shirt before waiting in the hall.