Chapter 34
KILLIAN
I hadn’t realized how much the ceremony would affect me, but it meant so much more than simply signing my name on the slip of paper that fulfilled the requisites of our contract. I thought marrying him would satisfy this darkness within me, yet here I am, at war with myself.
I promised to have and to hold him, but I also know I want more than anything to protect him.
Protect all of him, which includes his heart.
As he looked at me and said, “I do,” I couldn’t help but hate myself because the man he should have said that to is someone capable of giving him what he needs.
Because a monster can’t love. Not in the way he desires.
This awareness has made it a struggle to enjoy the reception in the backyard, where the select family and friends in attendance approach to give us their well-wishes and our brothers give us as much hell as they can.
We finally have a moment to ourselves at the bar, where I down a healthy swig of whiskey, hoping it’ll numb this tightness in my chest, yet as I glance at my husband, it only aches that much more.
“Everything okay?” Logan asks.
I avoid his probing gaze, fearing he might discover more than he should, like he did in the greenhouse earlier.
“Well, Jaime and Krychek probed Aunt Tessa for weapons, but she’ll likely be armed anyway, so once she gets a few drinks in her, one of us is liable to meet some bullets. Usually how it goes down.”
“It’s okay,” Logan says, which catches me by surprise. “Uncle Vernon’s as good a shot as he is at sneaking guns into places too.” He winks, and I try to laugh, but it comes out strained.
“Are you sure everything’s fine?” he presses.
Dammit, Log. Why can’t you let me suffer in peace?
“Fine,” I lie.
Logan turns to the dance floor, which we’ve set up on a platform by the DJ booth. “We should dance to get everyone going.”
The sting is still there, but my heart flutters too. I would rather get away from everyone, especially him, but I push through for his sake. “I would like that, Mr. Lorde.”
I don’t even know why I said it, but I like it…a reminder of how much I like having him as my captive. He was right. I am happier now, knowing I can keep him safe.
Logan laughs. “I didn’t change my name.”
“I still think I’ll call you Mr. Lorde. Maybe you can call me Mr. Wilde.”
“That’s not how people do this.”
“We’re not exactly like everyone else, are we?”
He’s doing it again, looking into my eyes.
Get out of my damned head, you bastard!
I shake it off. One way or another, we must get through not just tonight, but the rest of our lives together.
“Come on, Mr. Lorde,” I say.
We head to the dance floor, where our brothers are quick to join us before family begins steadily loosening up.
Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves—including Logan, who laughs as he performs a few goofy moves—but this only accentuates the disconnect between my surroundings and this inner struggle.
When a slow song comes on, our brothers disperse, finding partners to dance with, and I move close to Logan, positioning ourselves for the slow dance, pushing closer than I probably need to, which draws his attention.
“Didn’t realize you could dance, Kill.”
“I’m better at this than moving to pop beats.”
“Maybe you need to learn to cut loose.”
“Maybe you’ll have to teach me how.”
He smirks before studying my face. “What’s wrong?” he presses—of course he would because he’s made it clear he can see more than he should, more than anyone should of what’s going on within me. “You seem uncomfortable.”
No need to dig it in.
“I have a lot on my mind.”
What a fucking understatement. Even worse, the wicked part of me despises him because he’s the reason for all this. Before it was time to follow our fathers’ arrangement, I never suffered like this. Even with my brothers, whom I’d lay my life down for, I never felt this intensity I do with Logan.
But I have what I want. He’s all mine, yet it comes with this ache, knowing I’m the one who will make him miserable for the rest of his life.
The tightness in my chest intensifies. I’m getting lightheaded. “’Scuse me,” I say, pulling away from him.
I hurry into the house, breaking into a cold sweat. Logan calls after me, but I ignore him and rush into the kitchen, bracing myself against the island.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“How can I ever be okay now that I know I’ve ruined your life?” I blurt out.
Damn my impulsiveness. I shouldn’t have shared that with him, but I’m using what self-restraint I have left to still this darkness within me.
Judging by his stunned expression, you’d have thought I attacked him. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t you see? It’s won—this evil in me. It got what it wanted, at the cost of you never finding happiness in this world. I hate myself for it.”
“Killian, something’s wrong. Let’s get you some water, and you should lie down.”
“No amount of water or lying down will make this better.”
Even knowing it’s something happening internally, I loosen my collar and unbutton the top buttons of my shirt.
“Okay, okay,” he says, wrapping his arms around me. I want to shove him away, but it feels so relaxing, I selfishly let him keep me close as he guides me into the adjoining room. He leads me to the couch, where I settle, steadying my breathing.
He heads off, and I hear him running the water in the kitchen before he returns with a glass. I down it, and he takes it and sets it on the coffee table.
“It’s been a busy day,” he says, and I look at him, shocked.
“After what I just told you, you think this is about the busy day?”
“I don’t know where any of this is coming from. Nothing’s changed between earlier and now.”
“You’re wrong. Everything’s changed since our chat before the ceremony. And I can’t bear to be in my own skin. I can’t bear to be what I am, knowing I can never give you what you need. Spending the rest of my life knowing you deserve better.”
“Killian,” he says, taking my hand. I crave it and want to push it away all at once, but my desire to touch him wins.
“I don’t care about any of it. I know who you are.
I know you can’t love me the way I want.
It’s not something you can change, and I wouldn’t ask you to do that.
I’ve made peace with it, and it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. ”
He says that last part in a particularly pointed way that immediately alarms me. “How do you feel about me?” I ask, terrified I already know the answer.
He’s quiet, unbearably quiet before his gaze locks with mine. “I love you, Killian,” he admits, his expression as serious as ever, leaving me no doubt he means it, but that only makes this strain in my chest that much more unbearable.
“No, you don’t.” It’s not denial; it’s a command.
“I do.”
“I’ve been so cruel.”
“I love the way you’re cruel.”
“I’m a monster.”
“Then I love that monster.”
“I’ll ruin your goddamn life!”
“Then ruin it.” He doesn’t even flinch—so strong, so courageous. All the things that make him so special.
He takes a breath, then slides off the sofa, getting on his knees beside me.
“What are you doing?” The way he’s acting, I can’t even understand it.
He takes my hand and rests it against his cheek.
“You said you wanted to break and train me. Don’t you see you’ve won?
Killian, my whole life, I felt I had to live up to my father’s expectations.
It’s why I’ve been so scared of this desire when I’m with you.
How I want you to bend and break me. I want to surrender and let go of all the bullshit I’ve carried, let someone else take the reins, yet I feel I’ll betray him if I do.
And now that I believe he betrayed us, fuck what he would have wanted.
I can care for this family and still have what I want. ”
“Which is?”
“I want to submit to you, Killian. I trust you. I know you’ll keep me safe. You’ve proven that to me.”
Could this be real? Could Logan Wilde really be all mine?
I trace his lips with my thumb, the monster in me celebrating its victory. I run my fingertips along his flesh, under his chin to his throat, which I take hold of. He bows his head back, gifting me his throat. My heart races, but this time for a different reason.
“What do you want to do to me, Killian?”
“I want… I want…”
I fight against it, but he says, “Tell me.”
“I want to claim my husband,” I confess, despising myself because it’s true.
As he pushes to his feet, I reluctantly release my grip. He stands tall, like he’s found the true power in his submission to me. He takes my hand. “Come on. It’s time to claim what’s yours.”
I’ve never doubted my strength or self-restraint until Logan Wilde came into my life.
I’m a powerful man, and I wish I could refuse him, but not tonight.
I follow his lead, quietly, as he leads me up to my bedroom.
I’m rife with guilt, but for now, this monster has won because I know that I fully intend to take him.
He closes the bedroom door behind us, his gaze locking with mine, a wild hunger in his eyes, and with this searing pain in me, I know there’s only one hope for reprieve.
I charge him, taking that beautiful mouth, tearing at his goddamn clothes. “Fuck, there are so many layers to these tuxes,” I growl.
We’re all wet kisses and licks of fire as I unfasten his fly and drag his pants and boxers down to his thighs.
I take a moment from his lips to lick my fingers before sliding them between his legs, back to his tight hole.
He gasps as he rolls his head back against the door, and I lap away at his throat while feeling him, allowing my mind a moment’s peace as I push the pain to the back of my mind, losing myself in the experience I know will make all this pain go away, even if only briefly.
But it seems as soon as I’ve committed to satisfying Logan’s urge, there’s a knock at the door.
“The hell?” I ask as I’m pulled out of this hypnotic daze Logan had me in.