19. Connor
CHAPTER 19
CONNOR
T he relief of being in bed with Alex, wrung out and satisfied as we lazily kissed, was even more profound than it had been the first time. I’d wondered more than once if I was just remembering the sex being a lot hotter than it actually was, but no, round two absolutely lived up to my memory.
And… he was here . When I’d thrown out that reckless suggestion about running into each other at Paraíso, I didn’t think I’d actually expected it to happen. Or for this to happen. Or for us to still be here, tangled up in a languid kiss after we’d shared a brief shower. With our hard-ons taken care of and now that we’d caught our breath, one of us should’ve come to our senses by now, but… no. Alex knew as well as I did that we shouldn’t be here, and yet he was still holding me close and exploring my mouth like he had every intention of staying.
Eventually, we came up for air. Trailing a fingertip along my jaw, he said, “So much for a one-time thing, I guess.”
I laughed as I slid my palm up his chest. “Yeah. I guess we kinda blew that one.”
“You could say that.” He brushed his lips across mine again, but when he drew back this time, he’d sobered a little. “I, um… I won’t lie—I wish we could do this again. But the risk…” He shook his head.
My heart sank. Though I knew he was right, I wanted to argue anyway. There were plenty of men in that club who probably could’ve rocked my world tonight, but I didn’t believe for a second that any of them would’ve left me as blissed out and satisfied as Alex had. That, and beyond the sex, I liked him. We barely knew each other, but what little time we’d spent together made me want more, and I didn’t just mean between the sheets. I could even be happy just being friends with him; sure, I’d still be painfully attracted to him, but having him as a friend beat not having him at all.
Except the Navy forbade us from being friends, too, so fuck it—we might as well break the rule instead of bending it.
“We can do this going forward,” I said.
Alex tensed. “We… We can?”
“Sure.” I clasped his hand gently between us. “As long as we’re discreet and we’re not stupid about it—there’s no reason we can’t do it without getting caught.”
Alex searched my eyes uncertainly. “Do you think we should ?”
“No. But somehow I don’t think that’s going to change anything.”
Chewing his lip, he studied me, the uncertainty still etched all over his face.
“Being here like this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.” I traced my fingertips along the shaved side of his head. “But I just can’t convince myself it’s wrong. Or that I don’t want to do it again”
He exhaled. “Yeah, I… I can list every reason why this is a supremely bad idea. And I thought about all of them on the train ride up here.” He shook his head. “But I couldn’t talk myself out of it.”
“Same.” I laughed softly. “And that’s a long train ride for second thoughts.”
Alex nodded. “I know, right? I figured if I hadn’t convinced myself not to go through with it after four hours on a train, then…” He half-shrugged. “Does that make me stupid?”
“Well, if it does, then I’m not really in any position to judge. I did the same four-hour second-thoughts train ride, and I’m the one who suggested this in the first place, so…” I half-shrugged. “Yeah, not going to throw stones.”
He grinned, but it faded a little. “Okay, so we can skip the part where we try to talk ourselves out of this because it’s a lost cause.”
“You want to do this, then? Going forward?”
“Yes,” he said without hesitation. “I know why it’s a bad idea. I know why it’s a fucking terrible idea. But I just…” He trailed off, shaking his head.
I wasn’t sure what to say.
Before I could think of something, he whispered, “When we were in bed the first time, you asked how long it had been since I’d slept with someone else.”
I winced. “I was just curious. I don’t mean to pry into?—”
“No, no, it’s okay.” He looked in my eyes. “The truth is that I was with someone the weekend before.” He swallowed. “And the whole reason I was with him that night was because I couldn’t get you out of my mind.”
My lips parted. “Really?”
“Yeah. I… I have no idea what’s going on here. Or why my professional self-preservation goes out the window whenever I consider what we should do or what I want us to do. I just know I can’t stop thinking about you, and it’s only gotten worse since we hooked up the first time.” Alex pushed out a breath. “And it’s not just because you’re someone I shouldn’t be with. That’s not how I roll.”
Fuck. And I thought I’d been speechless before.
Somehow, I found my voice. “It’s… That’s not how I roll either. When I was a kid, maybe, but as an adult…”
I squeezed his hand between us. “I think we can both trust each other to keep this discreet.”
“Definitely. I mean, I don’t think mutually assured destruction is the healthiest way to?—”
I barked a laugh. “Oh, fuck. No, that’s not what I meant. I meant that we’re both motivated to keep it out of anyone else’s sight, so we can trust each other not to let something slip.”
“True. True. I’m a steel trap with stuff like this.” He snorted. “Comes with the territory of being in the closet this long.”
“Wait, you’re not out?”
Alex shook his head. “Not really, no. I haven’t had a—” He hesitated. “Well, I did get involved with someone for a while. Longer than I should have, really. And it was ugly and awful and—” He waved his hand. “Anyway, even that wasn’t what I’d call a real relationship.”
Curiosity burned hot in me, but this seemed like a card I should let him lay down on his own time, so I let it go. “And there hasn’t been anyone else?”
“No. I haven’t been in anything I’d consider an actual relationship the whole time I’ve been enlisted, so I never bring guys to the Navy Ball or command functions or anything. I’ve never come out.” He gave a small shrug. “I know it’s accepted now, but I still remember the DADT days.”
“Shit,” I breathed. “That’s a long time to be on your own.”
“It is. But I’ve also seen what the Navy does to relationships. Deployments, money being tight, moving around every couple of years. I figured I’d just have booty calls until I retired, and then maybe think about finding a partner.”
“Wow. Damn. I mean, I get it—I know firsthand what you’re talking about. Not that my marriage would’ve lasted either way, but the military life definitely put a strain on things.”
“I don’t doubt that,” he said softly. “I’ve watched a lot of marriages and long-term relationships fall apart, and even when the military isn’t the problem, it’s almost always a problem.”
I grunted in agreement.
“What about you?” He held my gaze. “Are you out?”
“Not at work, no. My sons and my parents know I’m bi. A few friends back home do. But I’ve never really come out or anything.”
“So chances are, if anyone saw us together, they wouldn’t suspect we’re screwing.”
That brought me up short. “Oh. Yeah, good point.” Being friendly would still be frowned upon, and it could still get us disciplined, but despite my earlier “we might as well fuck since we can’t be friends,” I knew damn well that wasn’t the case. I’d just been trying to find a reason to say “let’s do this anyway.”
If the Navy found out we were friends, they’d warn us about being too familiar, spending time together outside of work, and all that bullshit. As likely as not, we’d get a stern talking to, and that would be the end of it.
If they found out I knew what Alex’s dick tasted like? Well, that could get messy, and not in a fun way.
But if no one had any reason to think we were any more than friends?
“I guess we won’t register on anyone’s radars, then,” I said. “Assuming we even work with anyone with enough time on their hands to care.”
He laughed. “In our command? Pfft. On a busy day, I’ve got enough plates spinning, I could find out my chief is a serial killer and I’d just say, ‘nope, not gonna deal with that.’” Then Alex’s eyes lost focus and his features tightened with apprehension.
I touched his arm. “What?”
He chewed his lip. “There’s… my ex. The guy I warned you about on the app? He’s…” Alex swallowed. “He noticed I wasn’t home when we were in Sevilla. He went by my apartment and saw that my car was gone, so he guessed I was out of town.”
My blood turned cold. “Oh. Shit. Is he stalking you or something?”
“No, it’s not like that. Not… not really. But he’s persistent, and he still comes around looking for a piece of ass sometimes.” He sighed. “I still want to do this, but if you don’t because he’s?—”
“Alex.” I ran the backs of my fingers along his jaw. “I do want to do this. We’ll just have to be careful, that’s all.”
He searched my eyes, silently begging me to mean that.
I lifted my chin to kiss him softly. “I think we’re in the clear as long as we don’t get careless.”
He hesitated, but then nodded. “Okay. Agreed.” His brow furrowed. “Question is, how do we do this?”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. “I mean, what we’re doing now and what we did in Sevilla—that’s probably a good start?” I chanced a cautious smile. “I did want to explore Spain, so…”
“I’m always down to explore more.”
“Me too. Though it could turn some heads if we go too far too often.” I grimaced. “Since we have to put in out-of-bounds chits.”
“There is that,” he acknowledged, rolling his eyes.
“Ugh.” Sometimes I thought that was a stupid policy—we were grown-ass adults. Why the fuck should we have to tell the military where we were going in our off-time? But truth be told, our commands did need to know if we were outside an area where we couldn’t be quickly recalled, especially if we weren’t on leave. So if we were venturing beyond about four hundred miles from the base—any distance where we couldn’t be reasonably expected to report back within a few hours—we had to let someone know.
Madrid was at the very edge of that radius, so I’d put in a chit for this weekend just to be careful. Places like Sevilla, Córdoba, Málaga, and Granada, however, were well within that range. Which meant there were plenty of places we could go without turning in any paperwork.
“We can make this work,” I said quietly. “Stay within the out-of-bounds range most of the time—who’s gonna know?”
Licking his lips, he nodded. “That’s true. And, I mean, we’re in different departments. We answer to different superiors. Even if we are both putting in out-of-bounds chits for the same area at the same time—hell, if we’re going on leave at the same time—no one’s going to see both. No one’s going to notice. Especially since people go on leave and go out-of-bounds to explore Spain all the damn time.” A lot of service members never left overseas bases for some reason, but plenty of them did actually take full advantage of being stationed someplace this amazing.
“Good point. And if we run into someone we know, we just say we bumped into each other.”
“Simple enough. So…” He grinned. “We go check out everything Spain has to offer, and we fuck each other senseless while we’re there. I’m… not really seeing a downside to this.”
I laughed as excitement rippled through me. “Sounds perfect to me.”
“Me too.” But even as he said it, Alex’s grin faded a little. “So do we just meet out of town, then?” He ran his thumb along the back of mine. “That’s going to mean weekends only. And only weekends when I’m not on call or on duty.”
“There is that. Though… I don’t think we’d be pushing our luck too hard by having you at my place.”
His forehead creased. “You really think that would be safe? Even with my ex lurking around?”
I did, but I thought about it anyway. My driveway was perfect for hiding his car. There weren’t a lot of Americans in Sanlúcar and none at all that I knew of in my neighborhood. As long as the ex didn’t tail him right to my doorstep, and we weren’t going out to eat or making out on the sidewalk or something… who was going to know?
So I nodded. “Yeah, it’s safe. If someone sees you going into my driveway or coming out of it, and someone questions us, we can just say it was a one-time thing. You were helping me with something at the house, or you were dropping something off I’d left in Radiology. We’ll—we can come up with a reason why you came by one time.”
He pursed his lips, eyes losing focus for a moment. Then, “Okay, so when we’re at home, we stick to your place. Keep it behind closed doors.” His expression brightened a little. “When we go out of town, there’s no reason we can’t do touristy shit and eat together. We still have the cover story of ‘hey, I ran into someone I know who speaks the language and knows the area’ if someone busts us.”
I considered that. Then I nodded. “I think that would work. And I mean…” I circled my finger in the air. “We’re in Madrid. Feels like a shame to come all this way and not be a tourist.”
I liked that wicked little grin a little too much. And I liked the goose bumps that sprang up when he kissed the heel of my hand before he purred, “You really telling me you want to go out and do touristy shit tomorrow?” He slid closer to me. “Or do you want to stay in your hotel room and see how much your ass can handle?”
My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I’d spent part of the train ride up here looking at TripAdvisor to figure out what I wanted to see, and suddenly nothing on that site sounded remotely interesting. Not even the Egyptian temple.
“That’s what I thought,” Alex said with a devilish laugh. Drawing me back in, he murmured, “We’ll come back to Madrid as tourists another time.”
Sounded like a damn good plan to me.