33. Connor
CHAPTER 33
CONNOR
A fter Alex left, I pressed the button to close the gate to the driveway. Then I stood there in the foyer, just collecting my thoughts as I stared at our selfie.
I loved having my kids here. Being away from them this long sucked, and every minute I got to spend with them was precious.
But still, I needed a moment to myself after that exchange with Alex.
This wasn’t just casual anymore, was it? I didn’t know how it had changed or when, only that I felt things for him that didn’t jive with what we’d set out to be, and I’d felt that way for a while.
Turned out I wasn’t the only one.
What was I supposed to do with that?
Well, I could think about it later. Right now, my sons were here, and I wasn’t going to waste the very limited time I had with them.
I shook myself, gave the front door another glance as if there might be an afterimage of Alex, and then went back up the hall to join everyone outside.
As I came down the steps into the backyard, three faces watched me curiously. I furrowed my brow as I took my seat. “What?”
“You said you were seeing someone,” Quinn said. “You didn’t say you were, like, seeing someone .”
I picked up my drink. “What does that mean?”
“It means you guys don’t seem”—Landon made air quotes—“‘not serious.’”
I blinked. “We… We don’t?”
“Uh, no?” He shrugged. “I thought you’d kind of just met someone, but you guys looked like you were… I don’t know…”
“Really into each other,” Quinn said.
“Really happy together,” Savannah supplied.
At that, both boys nodded sharply.
I sat back, cradling my beer between my hands. “It’s… I mean, we get along great and all, but like I said before—it’s nothing serious.” Why was the word “yet” dangling so precariously from the tip of my tongue?
All three of them watched me skeptically.
“What?” I put up my free hand. “What makes you think it’s anything serious? I like him and all, but I did just meet the guy, you know. And we can’t be out any time soon.”
They all nodded in acknowledgement, but I could tell they weren’t budging on this.
“It’s just… the way you look at Alex.” Quinn gestured toward the house. “You never looked at Mom that way.”
My stomach somersaulted. “I didn’t?”
“You didn’t,” Landon chimed in. “I’ve never seen you look at anyone like that.”
I swallowed, glancing back and forth between my sons. “Does that bother you?”
They shook their heads.
“Nah,” Landon said. “You and Mom never really seemed happy. Like even when things were good—I don’t know.”
Quinn nodded. “Yeah. Mom’s different now too. And the way she is with her boyfriend—it’s kind of like you and Alex. It’s… not the way you guys ever were with each other.”
It took me a moment to process all of that. Guilt weighed down on me—as perceptive as my sons had always been, it had never occurred to me that they’d noticed the unhappiness between me and Aimee. Maybe because I’d been so far in denial that I hadn’t noticed it for a long time.
There was also an oddly empty place where I was sure I should’ve felt a pang of jealousy at the realization that my ex-wife had a boyfriend. Irrational, of course; she was my ex, and I was seeing someone too. On some level, I was just surprised at how not jealous I was to learn she had someone else.
I cleared my throat. “I didn’t realize you guys had picked up on that. That things were…” I trailed off, not sure how to finish.
Landon shrugged. “I mean, you weren’t having screaming matches or anything. It wasn’t like all tension, all the time. You just… didn’t seem like you were into each other, I guess?”
I nodded slowly. “We did care about each other, though. We still do. I’m glad she’s moving on with someone.” I paused. “Do you guys like her new boyfriend?”
“Eh.” Landon rocked his head back and forth. “He’s okay.”
“He is.” Quinn smirked. “I think Dad’s got better taste in men.”
I snorted and rolled my eyes. “I’m telling your mother you said that.”
“No, you’re not.” Landon took out his phone and started typing. “ I’m telling her.”
“Dude, I swear to God,” Quinn warned, “I will throw your phone in the pool.”
“No, you won’t.” Landon kept typing. “I have our train tickets, remember?”
Quinn scowled. “You’re a dick.”
Landon flipped him off.
Savannah giggled, and I just rolled my eyes. Kids. What could you do?
“Just don’t tell her any details about Alex, all right?” I said to Landon.
“Nah, I won’t.” My son pocketed his phone. “I just said that Quinn says you have better taste in men and left it at that.”
I laughed, shaking my head, and brought up my beer for a drink.
There was a muffled ping, and Quinn swore. “Goddammit, Landon,” he grumbled as he took out his phone.
I almost choked on my beer.
Savannah suddenly looked a little alarmed. “Wait, will your mom be upset? If she knows Connor’s with a guy?”
“Nah.” Quinn was already typing something out. “She knows Dad’s bi.”
His girlfriend turned to me for confirmation.
I nodded. “Trust me, it won’t be news.”
Savannah relaxed. “Okay. Just checking.”
Quinn put his phone away without elaborating on what his mom had said or what he’d replied, and he took a drink from his own beer. “To be serious, Dad, I’m glad you and Mom are meeting people. It’s good to see both of you happy.”
The absence of “again” at the end of that sentence needled at me. I wanted to ask how long they’d known Aimee and I were unhappy. I was too afraid to, though.
“For the record,” I said, “I did have good times while your mom and I were married. It wasn’t nonstop misery or anything like that.” I paused. “I loved her, and I still do. We’re just not compatible for the long haul.”
My sons nodded.
“Yeah, we get that,” Landon said. “Mom told me more or less the same thing. So… I’m just glad the divorce is over and you guys can live your own lives.”
“Yep,” Quinn said. “It’s all good, Dad. It really is.” He tilted his beer bottle toward the house. “How are you and Alex going to do this, anyway?”
“Do what?”
“I mean, if the Navy says you can’t date—what happens if you want to get serious with him? Like move in together or something?”
“Oh. Uh.” I stared into my drink for a moment. “There isn’t much we can do right now. But Alex is retiring in a little over a year.”
“Oh, that’s not bad,” Savannah said. “So just wait it out, and then see each other in public?”
I shrugged. “Basically.”
I didn’t remind them that we weren’t serious. Or that when Alex retired, he’d be sent back stateside. I didn’t mention that this was probably a short-term thing, or that I was cool with that because it was all I’d wanted with him from the start.
My silence was partly because no one needed to think about their parent seeing someone casually. No. Just no.
But the other part…
The other part was that all sounded like a lie.
After the way Alex had looked at me in the hallway, and what we’d both said about how we weren’t what we’d been when we’d started out—calling us casual or suggesting we’d fizzle out when Alex retired didn’t ring true.
My sons and future daughter-in-law could see the way he made me feel.
My heart did ridiculous flippy, fluttery things whenever I saw him, or even when his name appeared on my phone.
My whole world felt a million times better and brighter with Alex in it.
My own words echoed in my head: “I don’t think what we’re doing is what we set out to do in the beginning.”
No, we’re definitely not.
And my God, Alex—I can’t wait to see where this thing with you goes.