32. Alex
CHAPTER 32
ALEX
“H ow was Morocco?” I lounged in my bed, phone in hand as I FaceTimed with Connor. “Did your kids like it?”
“We all had a blast. You were right about that guide. He was awesome!”
“He’s great. I think I tipped him like a hundred euro last time.”
“Okay, so I don’t feel so ridiculous for tipping him that much.”
“He’s worth every penny.”
We talked for a while about everything he and his kids had done in Tangier. I’d been to most of the same places, including the shop where they’d bought rugs. It was fun, listening to him talk excitedly about places I’d also been.
But it was also really, really hard not to blurt out, “We should go there together sometime.”
No. We shouldn’t. For a lot of very non-negotiable reasons.
I knew that, but the desire to say fuck it and go anyway was strong. Probably because in the days since his kids had been here, I’d missed him more than I wanted to think about and definitely more than I wanted to admit out loud.
Unaware of me spinning out over a ridiculous fantasy of him wanting to go to Morocco with me, Connor said, “We also did Gibraltar after we came back. That was a fun trip.”
“Oh, yeah? Did you do one of the Rock tours?”
“Of course. Especially once Savannah heard about the monkeys. There was no way she was missing that.”
I chuckled. “That’s the best part. Especially if you go on a day when there’s not a lot of people, so the monkeys just sort of chill. I was there once when it was crowded as hell, and the monkeys were running around and stealing shit. I think some of them were scared, too.”
Connor grimaced. “Yeah, I think we got lucky. Our guide said we picked a day when there were no cruise ships in port, so everything was pretty deserted.” He laughed. “The guy told Savannah to stand over by one of the railings where there was a monkey so Quinn could take a picture of her. He said, ‘Don’t worry, it won’t jump on you!’”
“Let me guess—it jumped on her.”
“Yep. Fortunately, she’s pretty chill with animals. It startled her, and it knocked her a little off-balance because it must’ve weighed like thirty pounds, but she just stood there quietly while it played with her hair.”
“That must’ve made for some great photos. She wasn’t scared, was she?”
He shrugged. “A little nervous, but I think that’s expected when a wild animal decides to hitch a ride on you. Quinn got scared, though. He kind of froze up, but fortunately, my younger son took a video and I got some pictures.”
“Eh, I can’t blame him.” I shifted a little on the bed, trying to get comfortable. “Good on her for being calm and him being quiet even though it scared him. One of smaller ones jumped on a lady last time I was there, and she started shrieking and flailing.” I rolled my eyes. “Like, do you want to get bitten? Because that’s how you get bitten.”
“I know, right?” He shook his head. “Savannah looked at me at one point and very, very quietly asked, ‘You can fix me up if it bites me, right?’”
I snorted. “Did she think it would?”
“No, but she knew it would freak Quinn out. Which it did.” Connor laughed again. “Those two are forever trolling each other, so it didn’t surprise me.”
“What did he think of it?”
“Well, once the monkey lost interest and went somewhere else, he was like, ‘Really, Savannah? Really?’ And she just…” He made an innocent face and batted his eyelashes.
I burst out laughing. “Oh God. Did it work on him?”
“Absolutely not, because he knows her.” He smiled. “Anyway, that was the closest thing to a mishap we had. Well, aside from Landon falling off a camel.”
My jaw dropped. “He actually fell off?”
“Yeah, while it was lying down at the end of the ride. He didn’t have a scratch on him, and he deserved it for trolling his brother for almost falling off while the camel got up.”
“Wow.” I laughed again. “Never a dull moment with all of you, is there?”
With a fond smile, he said, “Never.”
He told me a few more stories about their adventure to Morocco and Gibraltar. “Today, we kind of took it easy and stayed near home. We went to the beach in Sanlúcar this morning before it got too hot, but that’s about it.” With another laugh, he added, “We had lunch at Burger King today just because the boys wanted to say they’ve ordered beer at BK.”
“Ha! Did they like it?”
“Oh, yeah. Savannah wanted to turn up her nose because she’s not a fan of fast food, but even she enjoyed it. We’re having dinner at a local café tonight that she picked out, so she’ll be happy.”
“Good idea. Which one?”
“I can’t remember the name, but it’s an Italian place somewhere in Sanlúcar. If it’s good, I’ll let you know.” He smiled. “Maybe we can use them for takeout.”
“Perfect.”
His smile held, but then it faltered, and he dropped his gaze for a moment. When he shifted a bit, he seemed nervous, and I suddenly was nervous.
Before I could ask what was up, he said, “So, um…” He cleared his throat. “I told my kids about you.”
My stomach flipped. “You… You did?”
“Yeah.” He laughed, and I thought he blushed. “I did tell them to keep it quiet. They know how this shit works with the military, so… Anyway, they won’t out us.”
“That’s good. What do they think about it? Did they even know you were into men?”
“They’ve known I’m bi for a long time, so they weren’t surprised. But they, um… They want to meet you.”
My spine straightened. “Come again?”
He fidgeted a little on the other end. “They’re curious about you, and I don’t even have any pictures of us, you know?” He laughed nervously. “So if you’re game…”
“Oh.” I had no idea what to say. “But we’re… they’re… I mean, what do they know about us?”
“I obviously didn’t tell them we’re just hooking up,” he said. “But they caught on that I was seeing someone, and after I swore them to secrecy, I said I’d met you. I didn’t tell them much except that we’d been seeing each other and traveling a bit together.”
“And they’ll keep it on the downlow?”
“Absolutely,” he said with a sharp nod. “They know how the military is.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. “And they… They really want to meet me?” That was a lot easier than the question I couldn’t quite ask out loud: Do you really want me to meet your kids?
“They haven’t shut up about it,” he said with a laugh. “They’ve only ever known me with their mom, so they’re really curious about me seeing someone else.”
“Oh.”
But how serious do they think we are? And how serious do you think we are?
My heart pounded.
How serious do I want us to be?
I was too much of a coward to ask any of those questions. I was also intrigued by the idea of meeting Connor’s sons, and what could I say? I fucking missed him. I’d made peace with not seeing him while he was on leave, but this was my chance to do exactly that. I didn’t even care that we wouldn’t be having sex. I just wanted to see him.
So, yeah, Alex—how serious do I want this to be?”
“Sounds great,” I said despite my nerves and my racing mind. “I can come by after work tomorrow if you’re home.”
“We’re just doing Cádiz tomorrow morning, so we’ll be here by the time you’re off work.” Connor’s sweet, hopeful smile was the best thing in the world. “See you then?”
“Yeah.” I returned the smile. “See you then.”
* * *
My heart thundered as I walked up to Connor’s front porch. I was nervous about meeting his sons—I’d been with a few men who had kids, but there’d never been any reason to introduce me to them.
I wasn’t just nervous, though. I hadn’t seen Connor all week, and I was aching to be in his presence again. Even if we couldn’t do anything, I missed him.
Don’t get ahead of yourself, Alex. He’s just a hookup.
As I cleared the top step, the front door opened.
Oh. Fuck me.
“Just a hookup” never made my pulse kick up like this.
Hopefully I kept that out of my expression as I crossed the porch, and somehow I even kept my feet under me.
I’d decided on the way over to follow his lead on how physical we’d be. He didn’t waste any time—as soon as I was close enough, his hands were on my waist as he said, “Hey, you,” just before his lips met mine.
It was a quick kiss. A light one. Nothing deep or spicy.
But oh, hell, it was enough to make my head spin and make me wish this wasn’t going to be a platonic visit.
When he broke away, he smiled. “Thanks for coming. My sons are looking forward to meeting you, and…” The smile turned to a grin. “What can I say? I like having you here.”
Warmth rushed through me. “Even when I won’t be?—”
He kissed me softly. “Yes. Even then.” Fingers laced in mine, he nodded toward the other end of the house. “Come on. Everyone’s out by the pool.”
“Of course they are,” I said as I followed him inside, then out into the backyard.
And oh, wow—there was no mistaking that these two young men were Connor’s sons. One was almost exactly the same height as his father, though he had a lankier build. The other was maybe two inches taller, and I suspected he liked the gym as much as Connor did. The first one’s hair tickled his collar, and taller one’s was almost as short as mine, but it was the same wavy dark hair as Connor.
“Hey guys.” Connor gestured at me. “This is Alex. These are my sons, Quinn and Landon, and Quinn’s girlfriend, Savannah.”
I shook hands with all three of them. Up close, the resemblance was even more striking, especially with Quinn, the shorter one, who had his dad’s dark eyes. Landon’s were more hazel; probably from his mom.
As we sat down in the shade of the cabana, I said, “It’s nice to meet everyone. Your dad’s talked a lot about you.”
All three of them shot Connor suspicious looks.
He rolled his eyes. “Oh for God’s sake. You know it was all good stuff.”
“Bullshit.” Landon gestured at his brother. “With as much dirt as you have on him, we know you’re?—”
“Dude, I will push you into the pool again,” Quinn groused. “Do not test me.” They exchanged challenging looks, which had Connor and Savannah laughing and shaking their heads.
She looked at me and shrugged. “Brothers. What can you do?”
“Oh, I know. I have a brother and a sister. Trust me—I get it.”
“Yeah?” She smiled. “They must love having someone to come visit in Spain.”
An uncomfortably melancholy feeling tried to sweep over me, but I kept it out of my expression. “They… don’t really have the time or the money to come this far. Kids, jobs—you know how it goes. So I just bring everyone souvenirs when I come home.”
“Damn.” Quinn sipped his beer. “I can’t imagine missing out on coming over here.”
“Good thing Dad’s got guest rooms,” Landon said, and he fist-bumped his brother.
Connor shot me a curious look, but whatever thought was behind his eyes, he didn’t say it. I’d dodged the subject of my family before, but something told me I wouldn’t be able to next time we were one-on-one. For now, the conversation moved in a different direction, and I relaxed into my chair. I was in a good mood, happy to be with Connor and his family. We didn’t need to get into the complicated stuff with mine.
Fortunately, my comments were forgotten in short order, at least for now, and I listened intently as they all told me about their adventures in Tangier, Gibraltar, and Cádiz. They were still trying to decide what to do with some of their remaining days in Spain, and I offered my suggestions.
“Arcos de la Frontera, Ronda, and Setenil de las Bodegas are all really cool,” I said, “but I wouldn’t pick those over something like Granada or Córdoba.” I paused. “If you’re staying in town, there’s a little place out past Jerez. It’s not super exciting, but it’s kind of cool to see—it’s an old abandoned sugar factory that’s been taken over by storks.”
Savannah perked up. “Storks? Really?”
I nodded. “They’re everywhere here, but there’s a lot at that old factory for some reason. They talk to each other, too, which is interesting to hear, and it’s a cool spot to get some pictures.”
Quinn smiled fondly. “Well, we have an animal lover with us, so we might have to go.”
“Pfft.” She elbowed him. “Like you didn’t almost lose your mind when we saw those flamingoes today.”
“That was Landon!” he insisted.
“Bullshit!” Landon said. “I was just trying to see because I thought you were full of shit.”
Connor laughed and rolled his eyes. “Don’t let them fool you—they’re all animal lovers.”
“Ooh, well in that case,” I said, “there’s a zoo down by Gibraltar you should check out.”
All four sat straighter, and I told them about the small zoo populated by animals confiscated from smugglers and illegal collectors. “Most of them can’t be released into the wild, and a lot of them are pretty tame, so the zookeepers will actually let you hold them and pet them.”
“What?” Savannah sputtered. “No way. That’s—you’re making that up.”
Quinn eyed me. “A zoo that lets you pet the animals?”
Even Connor looked skeptical, so I took out my phone and pulled up an album from the last time I’d visited. Both Savannah and Quinn almost melted when I showed them the baby ocelot batting at my camera strap. As soon as Landon saw me petting the lion cub, he declared, “Okay, I’m going. I will rent a car and take my own ass down there, but I am going .”
Connor laughed. “I think we’re all going, kid.”
“You think?” I flipped to another photo and showed it to him. “Or you’re definitely going?”
He looked at the screen, and my heart melted as I watched his melt. “They let you hold a fox?”
“Uh-huh.” I glanced at the image, which was one my friend had taken of me with a tiny Fennec fox lying across my arms. “Softest thing I’ve ever touched, too.”
“Okay. We’re going.” Connor took out his phone. “What’s the name of the place?” I rattled it off to him, and he pulled it up to check the address and hours.
“It’s not a bad place to stop on your way to Granada,” I said. “Just means taking the southern route instead of north, and it takes about the same amount of time.”
“Perfect,” Connor said. “We can go there tomorrow, then stay in Granada tomorrow night. Our Alhambra tickets are for the next day.”
“Smart, getting them ahead of time.” I groaned. “First time I went, we thought we could get same-day tickets.” I rolled my eyes. “Which, yeah, you can—if you’re in line at 0500.”
“Aww, so you didn’t get to see it?” Savannah asked. “That sucks.”
“No, we did. We were just up at ass-thirty in the morning to get tickets. Now, I book everything ahead of time if I can.” I paused. “If you’re going to Barcelona and you want to see the Sagrada Familia, you need to get tickets… two weeks ago.”
Connor waved his hand. “Nah. We’re mostly sticking with Andalusia for now. Maybe next trip, we’ll do Barcelona.”
“Smart.”
We kept on like that, comparing notes on places they wanted to visit and places I’d been. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed seeing them all excited about checking out Spain.
I just pretended not to notice that ache of longing in the middle of my chest. I made the boys promise to get photos of their dad with some of the animals at the zoo tomorrow, but I didn’t tell them it was because I wished I could be there with him. I wanted to watch him turn to goo over lemurs and ocelots and whatever other animals the zookeepers let him hold. I wanted to see how he reacted if a snake decided to wrap itself around his camera lens like one had done when I’d visited a few months ago.
It wasn’t just the zoo, either. Wherever they went, whatever they were doing, whether it was someplace I’d been to a million times or something I’d never seen before…
I wished I could be there with Connor and his kids.
* * *
All too soon, the sun was going down, which meant I needed to get my ass home and into bed. I said goodbye to the boys and Savannah, and while they hung out by the pool, Connor and I retreated inside. At the door, I turned to him.
“Thanks for having me over.” I put my hands on his waist. “It was nice to see you. And meet your kids.”
“I’m glad I got to see you.” He drew me in close. “Ten days is a long time.”
I wanted to mention that we were active duty, so we knew more than most that ten days was most certainly not a long time for much of anything. But then his lips were on mine, and…
And ten days was a fucking eternity.
Not just because I hadn’t been laid, either; just being in the same space as him for a while had satisfied the hunger that had been growing since Córdoba. As much as I couldn’t wait to tear off our clothes and make up for lost time in bed, I was perfectly satisfied after just seeing him. Just being here with him.
He broke the kiss. “You know, I realized when the kids asked about you—I don’t have any pictures of you on my phone. Or pictures of us.”
I tensed. “Do you… I mean, we’re trying to be discreet, and…”
Connor shrugged. “No one sees my phone but me.” His cheeks colored a little as he softly added, “I’d like one, if you’re game.”
My heart beat faster, and I tried not to think about why. Or why I was suddenly excited and maybe even a touch emotional that he wanted a photo of me—of us—on his phone. “Okay. Okay, yeah, we can…” I took out my cell. “Selfie, and I’ll send it to you?”
His smile made my knees weak, and it was weird to realize how familiar that feeling was becoming.
I clumsily turned on the camera in selfie mode, and Connor put his arm around me as I held up the phone.
Click.
I took a second, just in case, and then sent it to him. When his phone pinged, his eyes lit up.
“Great,” he said with a smile. “Now I have something to drool over at work.”
I laughed. “Yeah. Me too.”
Then he pulled me back in, and… God, I was never going to get tired of his kiss. And I still had to go how many days without it? Fuck me.
As the kiss lingered, the desire to stay here tonight and sleep beside Connor was so strong, it was almost a physical ache. I didn’t care if we fooled around. I just… wanted him. I wanted to be close to him.
But I had to work tomorrow, and he needed to get back to his family. Reluctantly, I broke the kiss, and we locked eyes for a moment.
I am so stupid for you, Connor, and you don’t even know.
Though from the way he was looking at me—assuming I wasn’t imagining my own intense longing mirrored in his eyes—maybe he did know.
Before I could stop myself, I asked, “Is it just me, or does this feel… different?”
He held my gaze, tilting his head. “What do you mean?”
My heart pounded, but to my surprise, the early jitters of a panic attack were nowhere in sight. I was nervous about this—nervous in ways I wasn’t used to—but it wasn’t hitting those landmines that could send me into a downward spiral.
I cleared my throat. “I mean, we’re supposed to be screwing around on the sly. Traveling around, fucking each other senseless in hotel rooms.” God, my heart was pounding so hard. “But now I’m meeting your kids. And…”
And missing you so much this week that I can’t even put it into words.
Connor dropped his gaze and chewed his lip. For a long moment, he was unnervingly silent. Then, slowly, he nodded, looking at me through his lashes. “I don’t think what we’re doing is what we set out to do in the beginning.”
An impossible mix of relief and apprehension swelled in my chest. We were on the same page, but… now what? Pull back because it was a mistake? Say “fuck it” and keep doing it?
I swallowed hard, my heart thumping even harder than it had when I’d arrived a few hours ago. “Is that… a good thing?”
“I think so?” Connor slid his hands around behind my neck and drew me in. “I won’t lie—I have no idea what we’re doing anymore.” His lips grazed mine. “But I know I don’t want to stop.”
Then he kissed me full-on, and I couldn’t help the soft moan as I sank into it. Wrapping my arms around him, I completely surrendered, wishing like hell I could stay here all night and sleep beside him, but also relieved and satisfied that I was touching and tasting him at all. It had only been a few days since we’d seen each other in person, and I’d missed him more than I had any right to.
No, I still didn’t know what we were doing.
I just knew that I also didn’t want to stop.