Chapter 28
Olive followed Noah over to Katie’s, waiting while he left his sister a note. Holmes was asleep, not in his bed, but sprawled out on his back on the couch, legs straight up in the air, snoring like a buzzsaw.
Sitting near his head was Pepper, wearing an adorable pink collar, to which was attached a small sign that read: It’s been zero days since I attacked shoelaces for no reason.
Olive gave them both some love, and then Noah was back, taking her by the hand. A minute later, they were on the road, the interior of the truck lit only by the ambient light from the dash, the air warmed by the heater, making it feel cozy and . . . intimate.
Noah drove them around the lake via the west side, heading south. After a while, he turned away from the water and up. At first, there were other houses, but the higher they went, the fewer structures she saw. Just over an hour from when they’d left Sunrise Cove, they turned into a driveway at the end of a wooded lane.
The moon lit things up enough for her to see a cabin in front of them. Noah sent her a smile, and they got out of the truck. They walked around the side of the cabin to the back, where there was a large patio and a view of the lake far below, which took her breath away. “Wow,”
she whispered. “Beautiful.”
“This place belonged to my grandma,”
he said. “My dad’s mom. She thought her son was, and I’m quoting her here, a ‘horse’s patoot,’ so she left the cabin to me and Katie. My dad didn’t mind, he hated how far out of the way it is. And since Katie wanted to buy Mom’s place, and Mom wanted that too, I bought out Katie’s half of the cabin so she’d have the money.”
Olive turned and took in the structure, which had all the charm of an old mountain cabin but somehow looked new at the same time. “Looks like there’s been work done.”
He shrugged. “She’s old and needed some TLC. Over the past few years, whenever I wasn’t in Yosemite at work, I was here, restoring things. It’s a beautiful old place, and private.”
“It suits you,”
she said softly.
He unlocked the back door and led her inside. The wood floors were new and beautiful, and she loved the exposed beams high above. Furnishings were sparse to say the least. The large living room held a massive TV and oversized couch. Nothing else, unless you counted the beat-up running shoes against one wall.
“Until Joe and I got into that accident, I was working pretty much nonstop,”
he said. “I’ve got a small efficiency apartment in Yosemite, but it’s personality-less and filled with whatever the management company had in there. I’m looking forward to doing more here when I’ve got the time.”
He meant if he ever slowed down, which she didn’t see happening. Since that thought was depressing, she moved away from him. She’d kicked off her shoes when they’d first come in and the wood floors were clean and cool beneath her feet as she walked through the beautiful old rooms. Ending up back in the kitchen again, she stared out the window over the sink at the patio and wooded yard.
“Drink?”
Noah asked quietly at her back.
When she nodded, he pulled a bottle from a small wine rack and opened it, pouring them both a glass.
“Back to the next time I was a dick,”
he said as if they’d never stopped their earlier conversation. “It was five years ago when we slept together before we talked things out.”
She looked away. “Because I left before we talked.”
He set his glass down, and then hers, before tipping her face up to his. “I knew better, knew we needed to talk first, but I . . .”
He gave a wry smile. “I wanted you so very badly.”
His smile faded. “But after, when you’d gone, I felt like I took advantage. I’m so sorry, Olive.”
She shook her head. “I wanted you just as badly.”
“Then why did you go?”
She hesitated, wondering how much she should say, then decided she needed to say all of it. For her own sake, if nothing else. “Because when I left, the first time,”
she clarified. “After our accident, you . . .”
She looked him in the eyes. “You didn’t try to contact me. We saw each other here and there at family events, but you didn’t go out of your way to check in with me. If you’d really wanted me in your life, you’d have started a conversation about why I’d left. Instead, you just let me go and never looked back.”
He closed his eyes for a beat and nodded. “Exhibit number three of me being a dick. You’re right and I’ve always known it. I’m sorrier than I can possibly say. I had way too much pride and ego back then. If I could change it, I would—”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not. Not even close.”
He ran his fingers along her temple, warm and gentle, stroking a wayward strand of hair off her face as he looked into her eyes, his solemn. “You deserved more—”
She put a finger over his mouth. “The past is in the past, remember?”
“I’ve changed my mind on that.”
“Oh.”
She felt the hit of that like a one-two punch to the throat. “Okay. Um, I understand—”
“I doubt you do.”
He held her gaze. “Olive—”
“No.”
She tried to pull back, but he caught her. “I don’t need the spiel again,”
she managed to say in a calm voice when she felt anything but. “I get it. I really do. But you have to let me go.”
He let go of her arms only to gently cup her face in his big hands, his thumbs wiping away a few tears that had escaped without her permission. “I need to make clear what I haven’t until now,”
he said. He looked away for a beat, blew out a breath, then slowly brought his eyes back to hers. “It scares the hell out of me how much I need you, and I’m not talking about the insane chemistry we have in bed.”
Her heart skipped a whole bunch of beats. “What does that even mean, then? You don’t do relationships. You don’t want a girlfriend.”
He smiled. “Do you want to be my girlfriend, Oli?”
“I want to be less confused.”
She shoved him back a step. “Everything feels upside down, and now Mr. I Don’t Do Relationships is throwing words around.”
“Yeah, I’m surprised too,”
he said. “But I finally figured some things out today.”
His smile turned wry. “Better late than never, right?”
She crossed her arms. “What things?”
“For one, I’ve been a fool when it comes to you. More times than I even knew, as it turns out.”
“Do you think you can narrow some of them down for me?”
Very gently, very slowly, probably giving her time and room to kick him if she wanted, he reeled her back in. “I learned early on to be what everyone wanted of me. That’s no secret. I thought that was the only way to receive love. And as a result, I’ve been . . . shy . . . about sharing myself.”
That tumbled a disbelieving laugh out of her. “Like you have a shy bone in your body.”
“Maybe not in my body. But definitely in my heart. I’ve been . . . unwilling . . . to share it with anyone. Except you.”
Since that nearly melted her into a puddle at his feet, she locked her knees and narrowed her eyes. “Keep talking.”
“My heart’s been in the palm of your hand since we were fourteen.”
Her heart squeezed, but she shook her head. “You expect me to believe you hid that fact all this time?”
“No.”
He didn’t smile, his eyes were deadly serious. “I honestly don’t expect you to believe any of this. But it’s the truth. It’s my truth. Grew up having to be perfect, remember? I’m a pro at hiding my feelings. Or I was.”
She kept looking into his eyes, the ones that now were suddenly open, revealing his emotions. It stole her breath and, she was afraid, let in a little bubble of hope. “Okay, well, I’ve got a secret too.”
He waited with a patience she couldn’t have summoned on her best day. “I’ve been moderately successful at business,”
she said. “But as for my personal life . . .”
She gave a slow head shake. “My life, the part of it that matters anyway, is here. Katie, Joey, my grandma, my parents, your mom . . . you.”
The relief she felt at the admission nearly brought her to her knees. Or maybe that came from the way Noah was looking at her, his golden-brown eyes reflecting everything she felt right back at her. “I care about you,”
she managed to admit. “Well, as much as you let me.”
She paused. “Okay, maybe a little bit more. That’s the scary part.”
He touched his forehead to hers. “Please don’t throw me away, not yet, Oli. I already can’t stand thinking about what it’s going to be like when you’re gone.”
Her emotions felt raw as her heart cracked in two as she took in the want, the longing on full display in his expression. His emotions were as raw as hers. “I’m not throwing you away. I won’t. I’m moving back,”
she said, shocking herself with the revelation. “I can work from anywhere, and there’s no longer a reason to stay on the other side of the planet. At least I hope not—”
With a rough, male sound deep in his throat, eyes lit with something she was afraid to name, he hauled her into him, wrapping her up in those warm arms. “Olive—”
“If you’ve just realized this is a mistake, that you don’t really want me like that, tell me right now,”
she said, preempting him in order to manage her expectations.
His laugh was rough. “I want you exactly like that. I want you so much more than you can possibly imagine. From the moment I saw you again, it all came back to me. Or hell, if we’re being honest, I don’t think it ever went away.”
She shook her head, confused to her core. “Then why—”
“You know why. Nothing about my lifestyle allows for a relationship.”
“Plenty of people in dangerous jobs are also in relationships. Joe, for one.”
“He’s retiring.”
Shock hit her. “What?”
Noah squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them again. “I shouldn’t have said that. My boss just told me today. Joe hasn’t said anything. Which means he hasn’t told Katie yet, so you have to keep it to yourself.”
Olive’s thoughts raced. And a myriad of emotions hit her. “Katie’s going to be happy to hear it.”
He nodded. “Because she’s always been freaked out that something bad would happen to him. And then it did.”
“What happened to you guys could’ve happened anywhere, on the job or off.”
“I’m coming to accept that.”
The pad of his thumb rubbed gently over her cheek. “I’m sorry I’ve held you at arm’s length.”
“And now?”
She held her breath for his answer.
“I don’t know that I’d be any good at a relationship,”
he admitted. “History says no. But . . .”
“Oh, don’t you dare stop there.”
His lips curved wryly. “But . . . I’m willing to try if you are.”
“Why the change?”
“My boss is also retiring from running national command. He wants me to consider the position. It’d be a huge promotion and a lot more money.”
“Congratulations,”
she said with what she thought was admirable calm.
“But,”
he went on, “base of operations is in D.C., and even then, he’s always on the road and works crazy hours.”
He paused. “I’m turning it down.”
She drew in a shaky breath. “Why would you do that?”
“It’s not what I want. It’s not what I see for myself going forward.”
She couldn’t help the new little leap of hope her heart gave. “You always said you didn’t see yourself giving up the lifestyle.”
The corners of his mouth slightly curved. “Fear’s a bitch.”
“Come on. Nothing scares you.”
“Plenty scares me.”
He kissed her softly. “You, for example.”
She gave him a get-real look.
“It’s true,”
he said on a low laugh. “You make me want things I didn’t want to want.”
Nerves had her taking a lap of the kitchen, running her fingers along the countertop, looking out the window into the night aglow with the moon and a trillion stars as the ball of worry she’d been carrying deep inside clenched painfully. “I’m not asking you for anything.”
“I know. You never ask for anything for yourself. Ask me what I want, Oli.”
She swallowed hard. “What do you want?”
“You. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine.”
That ball of worry melted away as if it’d never existed. “That sounds . . . serious.”
“It’s frighteningly serious.”
From the other side of the kitchen island, he gave her a smile with a whole bunch of charm and a touching amount of vulnerability to go with it. “You should know, I brought you here to beg you for a shot at making a long-distance thing work until we could figure something else out. But then you said you were moving back. Did you mean it?”
A small picture frame leaned against the granite backsplash. It had three pictures in it: one of his family, one of him and Joey, and . . . one of the two of them in a kayak on the lake. She couldn’t remember when it’d been taken. “Yes,”
she said. “I meant it.”
“I took this place on because I felt like there was a hole in my life,”
he said to her back. “But I learned an empty house can’t fill a hole. Recently I’ve been dreaming of filling it with someone, not something.”
He paused. “You.”
Spinning around, she stared at him.
He was resting his back against the counter, his arms folded loosely, his feet crossed at the ankles. Deceptively casual.
She drew a breath. “You want to go from seeing each other once in a blue moon to . . . me living here?”
He nodded.
“With you,”
she clarified.
He nodded again.
She chewed on her bottom lip, shocked by how good that sounded. “You don’t think we should take our time figuring this out without the pressure of having nowhere to get away from me?”
“I don’t plan on needing an escape hatch from you, Oli.”
She looked away.
“You need an escape hatch?”
His voice was still quiet, his body the picture of calm.
While she on the other hand was starting to sweat in places she didn’t know could sweat. “Is it hot in here? It feels hot in here suddenly.”
His mouth quirked, but now there was tension in his shoulders and his eyes hadn’t left hers. “You need an escape hatch.”
“No.”
She shook her head. “No. I just . . . I’m going to irritate the shit out of you. I eat ice cream right out of the container. I load the dishwasher like a two-year-old. Ask Katie, she grounded me from loading the dishwasher ever. Plus, sometimes I live out of the clean laundry basket rather than putting the clothes away, and—”
“You think I care about any of that?”
“You’re a neat freak,”
she reminded him.
“I am not a neat freak.”
“You are.”
He blew out a breath. “Okay, maybe. But that doesn’t mean I expect you to be.”
“What do you expect?”
“Nothing more than what you want to give me freely.”
Oh. Oh, that was a great answer, and most of her tension vanished. “You promise?”
she whispered, because he never broke his promises.
“I promise.”
Reaching out, he tugged her back into him. He was still leaning back on the counter, now with her standing between his legs, hands on his shoulders, looking up at him.
He brushed her hair from her face. “You’ve become a part of me,”
he said. “As important and basic as breathing.”
He kissed her softly. “I feel things for you that I can’t even name.”
His face became serious again. Very serious, very intent, his eyes focused on hers. “I love you, Oli. So much.”
She slid her hand up his chest to feel the comforting rhythm of his heart, going a little faster than his usual. He wasn’t quite as calm as he seemed. “I love you too, Noah. I think I always have.”
For a beat they stood there in mutual surprise. After all the time they’d spent avoiding it, their emotions and feelings for each other were finally out in the open. She felt freer and lighter than she had in a long time, and smiled up into his still serious expression, seeing his answering smile slowly spread across his face. “You really love me?”
she asked.
“I mean, how could I not love the woman who isn’t willing to let me make the worst mistake of my life?”
“What mistake is that?”
“Trying to keep you out of my heart. Oli, I honestly can’t remember not loving you.”
The second he’d said he loved her—he loved her!—she’d taken her first deep breath of the night, and she let herself relax into something very new for her. Anticipation, happiness, faith.
“You never said what it is you want,” he said.
What did she want? He’d just given her everything she’d ever dreamed of. “How about the promised popcorn and chocolate?”
He gave a rough laugh. “Please tell me you want more from me than that.”
“Yes, but you’ve already given it to me.”
“You deserve so much better than me,”
he said. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass.”
She smiled demurely. “The important thing is that eventually you did get it out of there.”
He laughed again, rocking her gently back and forth. “Say it again.”
She met his gaze as she slid her fingers into his hair and met his mouth with hers. He tasted like everything she’d ever wanted. “I love you. I can’t remember not loving you.”
The last of his tension left him. “I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that.”
His voice was filled with more emotion than she’d ever heard from him before. “I used to think my internal GPS was broken because it never led me anywhere I wanted to go.”
“And now?”
she asked.
“Now it’s finally led me home.”