13. Josie
josie
. . .
When I thought this day couldn’t get worse, I saw Ellis’ name on my phone. I’d been half a second away from kissing Lincoln Carter in my barn—a position I shouldn’t have ever even been in.
I had Ellis.
God, I was a fucking mess.
As if it hadn’t been enough to put myself in such a compromising position, then I went and answered the phone right in front of the only man who’d ever made it his mission to make me come.
And now I was thinking about those toe-curling orgasms as I brought the phone to my ear and whispered, “Hey, babe.”
Lincoln’s face fell as he stared at me, his hand still suspended in the air where he’d just tenderly cupped my jaw. It fell to his side before he tucked it into the pocket of his snug Wrangler jeans.
“How was the first day?” Ellis asked. I could hear the click of a keyboard through the phone, knowing he was likely working late, like always .
I didn’t see the appeal of Ellis’ job; I hated staring at numbers. Just because I was good at math, didn’t mean I enjoyed it. That had only been cemented as we’d been combing through the bank statements together. At this point, I was nearly convinced I’d imagined the mistake entirely.
“It was great,” I said, turning my back on the man staring at me in shock, walking just outside the massive barn doors. I needed air; I needed to breathe, and I couldn’t do that with Lincoln’s crestfallen face in my view. “Dad’s emotional, but our stalls and cabins are full.”
“I looked over the projected totals for Black Spring’s summer income, and it looks great. We’ll be turning a high-end profit that should carry us into the winter.”
We. Us.
I hated the words. There was no ‘we’ as far as I was concerned, not when it came to Black Springs. That was my parents’ legacy, the business they painstakingly turned into something more than a simple cattle ranch.
Even though I knew what Ellis meant regarding the terms and how he and his father relied on this land to make money like the rest of my family did, I still hated how he used them so casually.
“Great,” I said, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth. “Um, why didn’t you come by tonight? It would’ve been nice to see you before the clinics started.”
“I know, but I got caught up with work and lost myself. You know how it is. I’ll come to the next one.”
“Yes, but this was important to me,” I said through gritted teeth, trying and failing to keep my voice below a whisper.
“There will be other cookouts, Josie,” he sighed.
But would my dad be there? That was the question I didn’t dare voice, too damn scared of the answer.
No one outside of the family knew about my dad’s heart condition, and he was adamant it would stay that way until he was ready. I don’t think he wanted to see people change toward him, acting like his grave had already been dug and he had one foot in the coffin.
“I could come over tonight. What time will you be home?”
Now, it was my turn to sigh. I may not have known earlier if I wanted to stay, but I’d told Ellis I was before ever coming out here. “I’m staying here until the clinics are over. I told you that when we had dinner last week.”
Ellis paused the clicking on his keyboard suddenly stopping. “But that’s two months.”
“Yup, till the end of July.”
“So, I won’t see you for two months?” Ellis asked, tone sharpening.
I laughed, unable to help myself. He wasn’t serious, was he? We didn’t see each other much during the week as it was, and if we did, he was constantly on his phone or computer. “I mean, I’m at the ranch. It isn’t that far of a drive, and I’ll have weekends off?—”
“I don’t have time to drive out there whenever I want to see you. Will you be home on the weekends?”
“At this point? I don’t know, Ellis. It’s hard to tell what my schedule will be when clinics haven’t even begun. I have a meeting with your father at the end of the week, though. Maybe I could stop by then.”
“Why’re you meeting with him?” he asked.
I had to stifle my groan. Sometimes, I swore he never listened to me. “We’ve been searching through statements and electronic transfers for over a month now and haven’t come up with anything. I thought it might be worth having your father take a look at everything I’ve gathered to see?—”
“I’m the one in charge of Black Springs’ accounts, Josie. I’ll find the discrepancy and sort it out. ”
“I know, but there’s a lot of money missing. Dad may not be worried about it right now, but I am.”
Suddenly, there was an all too familiar presence at my back. I didn’t know how close Lincoln was, but I could feel the heat coming from his body.
“Josie—”
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I said, quickly ending the call and turning to see Lincoln bathed in moonlight.
He was so handsome—too handsome for my own good. Like the last piece of decadent chocolate cake you know you shouldn’t touch, or speeding down a deserted highway with the windows down and your favorite song on the radio.
And god, I wanted to feel the wind in my hair so badly I had to bite my tongue to keep my mouth shut.
But I had Ellis.
I had Ellis, and he was good for me. He came from a good family with a good reputation, and I didn’t question where he was every night or if his words were true. I didn’t question whether he was fucking another woman behind my back. Some, my sisters mainly, might have called him a safe choice, but I didn’t think I would survive another relationship failure.
As it was, I was already quickly losing faith in my ability to make decisions.
“Boyfriend?” Lincoln asked, sticking his hands in his pocket and rocking back on his heels.
“It’s new,” I mumbled. “We’ve been seeing each other for a few months.”
“Well, I guess that answers my question,” he said, smiling sadly before nodding at the cabins in the distance. “I better get to bed. Long day tomorrow.”
I let him walk past, unsure why I felt the need to apologize to him for being in a relationship. But telling him about Ellis felt wrong in a soul-deep way that made me wish the ground below my feet would open and swallow me whole.
“Lincoln, wait!” I called out, unable to stop myself. “What did you mean by answering your question?”
He paused, tipping his head back and staring at the twinkling night sky above. “It doesn’t matter, Josie.”
“Please?” I asked, taking a step forward. It was hypocritical to want to steal his moments, especially when I’d been trying like hell to run away from him only moments ago. “I want to know.”
He turned, showing me the outline of his profile. “I was gonna ask if you’d waited for me like I’d been waiting for you.”
And then he walked away, leaving me standing under the weight of his honesty and hating how it felt.
“Do you think I’m selfish?” I asked my sisters the next morning over breakfast.
Dad had been up before the sun, meeting with the ranch hands to delegate tasks and set expectations while the three of us huddled in the kitchen with our coffees. Lennox and I had put Cleo in charge of cooking. She was the only one who could really be trusted not to burn the food.
“Uh, context, please?” Lennox asked, raising a brow.
“Yeah,” Cleo called over her shoulder. “My vote could swing either way, depending on your answer.”
I rolled my eyes, setting my cup down and hoisting myself up to sit on the counter. “I dunno. Like, just in general, I guess.”
I hadn’t slept much last night after my talk with Lincoln. Lennox had found me not long after he left. Apparently, they’d run into one another on his way back, and he’d mentioned leaving me at the barn. She’d come running, wrapping me in a big hug before she dragged me inside and told me to go to bed .
She hadn’t pushed me to talk about Lincoln, but I suspected peace was ending. “Does this have anything to do with a certain hot cowboy?” she asked, joining me on the counter.
I shrugged. It did, and it didn’t. When I’d come home from Tennessee, I’d spent weeks wondering if I’d done the right thing by leaving the way I did. There was no future for me there, but maybe Lincoln was right. We could’ve worked something out if I’d been honest with him about my feelings.
“I just think I should’ve handled things differently,” I said, tucking a loose tendril of hair behind my ear.
Lennox faked a gasp. “You mean like talking to the man before bolting?”
I flipped her off, and she returned the gesture.
“What Lennox means,” Cleo said, wrapping her arm around my shoulders, “is that we are your sisters and support whatever decision you make.”
“But?” I asked, knowing it was coming.
“But… Yes, it probably would’ve been better if you hadn’t spent a week shacked up with a man before leaving the state without an explanation.”
My shoulders slumped forward. It was my fault for asking a stupid question to which I already had the answer. “Yeah, I know.”
“But what’d he have to say last night?” Lennox asked, picking up her coffee and bringing it to her lips.
“Oh, you know, the usual conversation. What’s up? How ya been? By the way, let’s get back together. ”
Lennox spewed her coffee across the kitchen. “Wait, what?”
I couldn’t hide my laughter as Cleo cursed and grabbed a dishrag to wipe her arm. “Dammit, Lennox!”
“Don’t blame me!” she said, jumping from the counter and ripping the rag from Cleo’s hand.
“You’re the one who spit it out,” Cleo deadpanned. “Who else am I supposed to blame? ”
“Josie’s hot cowboy!”
“Hey!” I said, raising my hands in the air. “He’s not my anything.”
They both turned and stared at me, with a shared look that said, really bitch? And in their defense, they might have been right. Some part of Lincoln felt like mine even when he wasn’t.
Cleo switched off the stove, moving the bacon pan to the side before turning my way. “You’re not selfish, Josie. Not even a little bit, okay? You made a poor decision, and you’ve apologized for it.”
I brought my lip between my teeth, cringing because I definitely had not done that.
“You did apologize, right?” Cleo asked, placing her hands on her hips.
“Define apologize…”
My sister threw up her hands. “You haven’t apologized? I thought you said you talked?”
“Well, we did,” I said, crossing my arms. “Lincoln followed me into the barn and wanted me to look him in the eye and tell him what happened didn’t matter, and then Ellis called.”
“Oh shit,” Lennox said, resting against the counter. “I’m guessing that’s why I found you sitting on your ass last night?”
“I may not have handled the situation well,” I agreed.
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
I tipped my head back and groaned. “I don’t know, y’all. I mean, at the end of the day, nothing has really changed, has it? He still lives in Tennessee; I still live here.”
“And you have a boyfriend,” Lennox added.
I pointed in her direction. “Yeah, I have an Ellis. So, the point is moot.”
Cleo cocked her head. “Do you realize you never say that Ellis is your boyfriend?”
“What? Yes, I do. ”
Surely, I did. Right? I mean, I thought it went without saying. We were together. Everyone else called him my boyfriend.
“No,” Lennox said slowly. “You never do. You call him your Ellis, not your boyfriend.”
I stared at my sisters. “What’s the difference? Y’all already know we’re dating.”
Cleo shrugged, turning around to snag a piece of toast. “I just think it’s interesting. Maybe you’re holding the title for someone else.”
Leaning forward, I snagged a piece of my own and plopped it into my mouth. “You, my dear sister, are reaching.”
“And you,” she said, booping me on my nose, “are delusional.”