Chapter Four
CHAPTER FOUR
SAWYER
“Fuck.”
Laura dropped her hands and cursed under her breath. “I’m sorry. Was that her?”
I glared at Laura, even though this wasn’t her fault. No, of course this wasn’t her fault. Everything that we had gone through over the past fifteen years had everything and nothing to do with any actions she had made.
Instead, Laura had been the person stuck in the center of complications and brutality and loss repeatedly until there was no escaping.
And I had been the one standing beside her, and yet a thousand miles away.
“Yes. That was her.” Guilt rode up my throat, and I swallowed back any bile that had come with it. I had done my best to keep my past in the past. Because every time I was forced to look at it, it felt like I was right back in it. Feeling every single moment of loss and pain. I thought I was over this. I thought I could look toward the future and see something. Instead, all I saw was the past. It gripped me with its talons and plunged me into its darkness.
There were many reasons why I had left my old life behind. Some of it had to do with my passions and my needs. But a lot of it had to do with the man I used to be. Because I wasn’t him anymore.
“You should have told her, Sawyer,” Laura whispered.
I froze, my chest tightening.
“Laura is right.” I glared at my brother as he spoke, but he held up his hand before I could say anything. “I don’t know why you and Kate were keeping a relationship on the down low for so long. But it’s not my business.”
“You’re damn right it’s not your business.”
“Sawyer,” Laura whispered.
I flinched. “I am going to tell her.”
“Everything?” Gus asked.
“Don’t. Just don’t. I fucked up.”
“You did,” Gus snapped. “Kate is a good person. But the problem is so are you.”
My heart raced. “Why are you yelling at me about this?”
“Because you don’t think you are. Because every single time you find a little bit of happiness you think you need to push it away. You think it’s your fault that anything bad happens in the world.” Gus paled and looked over at Laura. “I’m sorry.”
“No, that’s why I’m here. I wanted to tell him I was doing okay. That he doesn’t have to worry about me. Stop worrying about what happened. I know you are never going to be able forget, but I am not on your chest anymore.”
“But you are,” I whispered, barely resisting the urge to rub my hand over the ink on my flesh. The ink that Kate had traced that morning.
“I’m not a problem. Maybe I should stop coming here. Maybe I should stop visiting you. I only came to tell you I was happy. And that I want you to be as well.”
I began to pace, bringing my hand through my hair. “She was already falling away, Gus. This isn’t going to help anything.”
“I can talk to her,” Laura said, her voice soft.
I shook my head. “I don’t think that would help anything.”
“Well, if your groveling doesn’t work, I’ll talk to her. Because you deserve happiness, Sawyer. So I’m going to leave and I’m truly sorry if I messed up anything.”
“It wasn’t you, Laura. I should’ve said something to her before this.”
“And I shouldn’t have touched your face. I’m just so used to thinking of you as the boy you were. Just like I was the girl before. But I’m not. Be well, Sawyer. And I’ll do the same.”
And with that she walked away, leaving me alone with Gus and all of the mistakes I had made.
“How do I tell her?”
“First you need to figure out what you want. Do you love her?”
I looked at my brother, my shoulders tense. “I never thought I would be able to.”
“Maybe you should think of an actual answer before you talk to her then. You don’t have to love her right now, but you have to respect her enough to know that if you can’t love her, you need to let her go.”
“I never should have let it come this far.”
“That is bullshit. You are my brother. I love you with everything that I have. You are a damn fine uncle and brother-in-law. You are a fantastic brother and son. And yet, you are horrible to yourself.”
“This isn’t helping anything,” I groaned.
“Maybe it’s time we have this conversation. Yes, in the middle of our work parking lot. But there hasn’t been a better time, has there?”
“Gus.” My pulse increased and I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to go back to the way things were. Where Kate didn’t have to know what I didn’t have in me.
“No. You’re going to listen to me for a moment. Because you went through hell and I will never understand how life could be so cruel. I will hate what happened to you, and the fact that nothing we had within our grasp could prevent that. But you saw Laura. She is the healthiest I’ve ever seen her. And she wants you to be happy. Just like we do. Laura, even through the worst, was never selfish enough to want to pull you from your current life. From your future. You were the one that always did that. So let yourself have a future. If not, then what is the fucking point of you being here?”
“Gus,” I rasped.
“I was losing you day by day. I thought maybe when you changed jobs and found your art again you were back. But I was wrong. And then you started to smile again. And you started to leave the house. You were happier. It took me forever to realize it was because of Kate. Because you are finally letting yourself be . Don’t let the past scare you from what could be now. Don’t hurt her.”
“I’m already doing it.”
“So stop.”
“You say that as if it’s easy.”
“Life is never easy. The choices we make, even the ones that feel insurmountable or the easiest thing in the world, always come with conditions. Find her. Fix this. For her and yourself. I love you, Sawyer. But don’t let this catapult into something worse.”
And with that, Gus squeezed the back of my neck, glared at me for a moment, and then left.
I looked down at my hands, feeling far more hopelessly than I ever had in the past. Or at least for a good long while.
I had to repair this.
Kate deserved better. She always had.
And the problem was, I knew exactly where she had run off to. That should worry me more than anything.
I ran around the corner and down two blocks to where the small creek that surrounded the area lay. We were in off-season, so the creek wasn’t full or bubbling, but there was still enough of it for one of those picturesque moments if you were on a certain bridge.
Our bridge.
The one that I had first kissed her on, the one that I had first allowed myself to just be.
Kate stood there on the bridge, her back to me. The slight breeze in the air winnowed through her hair, sending tendrils backward. She turned slightly so I could see her profile, but she hadn’t caught sight of me. She looked like a damn goddess there. With her hair billowing around her face, those flowing pants moving slightly in the wind.
As dusk threatened, the streetlights hadn’t turned on fully, so I couldn’t see her face. I couldn’t read her features. That had been the problem the past week or so. Because she had started to hide her feelings from me. But even in our lightest moments, those feelings had broken through. And I had seen the rawness of them so well it scared me.
I was such a bastard.
She stood on our bridge, the one we had first kissed, the one where I had taken it too far, and there was no going back to what was.
I knew my footsteps were loud as I walked up behind her, but Kate didn’t say anything. Didn’t move. Instead she just stared off into the distance, her hands on the railing. The metal and wood of the bridge was more decorative than anything. If a strong gust hit it, it was sturdy enough not to be blown away, but bicyclists didn’t even use it really. It was just a place that was fragile enough that others stayed away from it, yet sturdy enough for you to walk over, or perhaps take a moment.
Just like we had done before.
And perhaps what we were doing now.
“Who is she?”
Her voice broke me. Because there wasn’t sadness there. There wasn’t anger. No, it was resignation. I would’ve even preferred it being devoid of emotion. Instead it was as if she knew where this would lead. And I didn’t even know.
“Her name is Laura.”
“That’s not really an answer. But perhaps it is. Is she why you kept us secret for so long?”
I frowned, resisting the urge to reach out and touch her shoulder. I wanted her to face me. I needed to see her eyes. Only I knew once I did I would lose all sense of what I needed to do. Not what I wanted to do.
“I thought the two of us were keeping our business private because we wanted to. Because of your small town, and because it was nice just to have something for the two of us.”
She turned then, a wry smile on her face. But it didn’t reach her eyes. “You know what, that is true. I’m the one who agreed to secrecy. To hiding what we were to each other. Though I don’t really know what that is, so the hiding it had been a good thing. It had given us time to be with one another, without any complications or worries or expectations. Except I might.”
“Kate.”
She shook her head. “I lied. Because I did have expectations. I didn’t mean to. But I kept wanting more. And that’s my problem. We never promised each other more. We didn’t promise each other anything. So who is Laura, Sawyer? How many other secrets did you keep? How many other trysts did you keep in your pocket? Did you take her up to a mountain lodge? Where you pretended there was one room and one bed?”
“No. It’s not like that.”
“Then what was it? Where did I go wrong?”
I needed to reach out but I knew she’d reject my touch. And I’d deserve it. “You didn’t go wrong. This isn’t your fault.”
“What is this? And who is Laura?” She shook her head. “Maybe I don’t have the right to know. Maybe I’m just overreacting. But this isn’t just about that woman touching your face. This is about you pulling back. This is about you not telling me a damn thing when you are inside me and we are naked. So please, just tell me something. Anything at this point.”
“She’s my ex.”
Kate studied my face for a moment, even though I did my best not to show a damn thing, but her eyes filled with sympathy. “And you loved her.”
“I did.” I shook my head, my throat growing tight. I didn’t talk about this ever. Gus and my parents were the only ones that knew. Jennifer didn’t even know. I had done my best to bury that so well that I wasn’t even sure I could say the words aloud.
“I’m sorry.” Kate shook her head and wiped away tears. I made her cry. I had done the unthinkable and made Kate, the woman who tried not to show too many emotions, cry. She met my gaze as she rolled her shoulders back. “I’m clearly touching on something that I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. You’re right. We don’t have any expectations, and I don’t deserve to poke at something that clearly hurts. So I’m just going to go. Because I don’t think whatever situation this is…it isn’t working anymore.”
“Laura and I were together in high school,” I blurted. “We loved each other in the way that high schoolers love each other. And while sometimes that could be the deepest of things that grows into adulthood, we were fourteen when we got together. We were each other’s firsts and only for years. And then we were seventeen when that little test turned positive.”
Kate’s eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything. For that I was grateful because I needed to get this out before I broke.
“Seventeen and pregnant. We were juniors.” I let out a rough chuckle that held no humor. “We still had another year of school, and Laura was walking around the halls pregnant, with everybody judging. Guys would slap me on the back and call me virile or judge me behind their whispered hands. But they always judged her. People were worrying about their next class, AP courses, where to go for college. We were trying to figure out birth plans and what the hell we were going to do with the baby. My parents were supportive. They were pissed off, but supportive. Laura’s parents? Not so great. They kicked her out during the first trimester.”
“That’s terrible.”
I let out a hollow laugh. “Yeah. Terrible. So Laura moved in with us, and we got married.”
Kate’s eyes widened. “You were married?”
Just one more secret, after all. “We got married in the summer before our senior year, when Laura was seven months pregnant. It was ridiculous. You don’t get married when you’re seventeen. When you’re still in high school and having a baby. There were so many other decisions we could’ve made, but we made those. My parents were pissed off. They had been supportive through everything because they knew we needed that backbone. But we went behind their backs to get married. They didn’t kick us out, but the look of disappointment and worry on their faces still haunts me.”
“They must be really good people to have been there for you though.”
“They are the best.” And she had never met my parents because it wasn’t as if I introduced anyone to them anymore. I didn’t do serious. And yet, Kate had slipped through the cracks, and I hadn’t even known.
I was silent for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts. Because I knew what I needed to say next. And since Kate could do the math, she probably knew some of it too.
“On our way home from the first football game of the season, a drunk kid from a rival school veered off the road and slammed into us. I was driving with Laura in the passenger seat. Her due date was in four days.”
Tears fell down Kate’s cheeks. “Oh Sawyer.” She might not know the details of the rest of the story, but she could guess.
“We didn’t lose the baby then. She went through childbirth, while each of us had stitches and she had a broken arm, and I had broken my foot. And the baby never took a breath.”
“I’m so sorry. There aren’t any words for that. I’m so sorry you both went through that so young or even at all. Sawyer...”
“We stayed married until our junior year of college. Though she had dropped out by then. Everybody who would say such crappy things to us when she was pregnant became the sweetest, most caring people. They brought food, flowers. The donation center where we took all of our baby’s items we had accumulated over time was grateful for us. Even though they knew the story. Everyone in our town knew the story.”
Kate pressed her lips together, still crying softly, and I reached out to push her hair from her face. I needed to touch her, needed an anchor. Because I was selfish.
“Laura started doing drugs our freshman year of college. First to stop the pain, then just because she needed that new pain. She tried to hide it but was never good at that part. She would take our money and buy more pills. In the end, I wasn’t strong enough to help her.” My voice cracked. “Her parents took her away. The divorce papers came quickly, and I filed them. It was the best thing they could’ve done for us.”
“Sawyer. It’s not your fault.”
“I was the one who wanted to go to that football game. Laura wanted to stay at home with her feet up because her ankles were swelling. But I was the one who had to go.” And the two of us had fought terribly over that. Because she was afraid I was going to flirt with one of the cheerleaders that constantly flirted with me. None of my reassurances had helped. But we had been teenagers. Those were the feelings that you had. That was the normal part.
Kate reached out and put her hand on my arm, that touch cementing me in the present when the past screamed at me. “It’s still not your fault. It was that drunk driver.”
“That kid paid with jail time and memories that he can’t get rid of. I don’t even think about that kid anymore. He was sixteen. He ruined so many lives. But we all had to deal with the consequences of our choices. Laura is doing fine now. It’s why she came here. Because for the past fifteen years we keep sliding into each other’s orbits just to say we’re okay. We lived a half life and we didn’t realize where our lives could be. I had nothing left. Or so I thought.” I met her gaze, my hand shaking. “She has a life now.”
“And she’s the person tattooed on your skin.”
I nodded and undid the buttons on my flannel. I pushed it to the side to show Laura’s name and Megan’s. “My first tattoo. I did the one thing that you’re never supposed to do and put a person’s name on your skin. But it was after we had divorced. I was only going to put Megan’s. Our daughter.” I swallowed hard. “But I felt like Laura had died that day too. At least the Laura that I knew. I didn’t do this because I loved her. I did this because I failed her. I failed our baby girl.”
Tears fell down her cheeks. “Sawyer.”
“I’m not good enough for you, Kate.”
“Sawyer. You went through the worst thing possible. But that doesn’t mean you’re not good enough for me. That’s not fair to either one of us. I was standing here because I thought you were never going to open up to me. Because you thought we were better in the shadows. And I love you.” Her eyes widened as she said it, and I had a feeling she never meant to utter the words. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. But it did. I love you. And even if it takes you a while to come to that point, I’m here. Don’t give up on us, Sawyer. You are good enough. I promise. If you can try. I’ll be here to try too.”
Every ounce of me wanted to say yes. To reach out to cup her face and tell her I loved her. To let myself feel for the first time in far too long.
But when I closed my eyes it wasn’t Laura in that car.
It was Kate.
It was Kate bleeding out.
It was Kate screaming my name.
And it was Kate lying lifeless in my arms.
“I can’t,” I whispered, and Kate’s face blanched.
“Sawyer.”
“I lost something of myself before. I’m not the man for you. You deserve someone that can love you with their whole heart. You deserve the world, Kate. And that’s not me.”
And with that, I turned on my heel, knowing I was doing this for the best. Kate would get over it. She would realize exactly who I was.
And she would find happiness.
Just not with me.