Chapter Five
CHAPTER FIVE
KATE
It had taken three days for me to find the courage to smile. At least a smile that didn’t feel as brittle as dried out bark.
The problem with working with those you loved, those who could read through those fake smiles, was that you had to continue to work with them even through the peeking gazes that they could not quite hide. Oh, they thought they were doing a good job of it, but I saw the shared looks. Heard the slight whispers after I walked by.
Poor Kate.
Kate will always wait.
Kate will always be left behind.
At least this hadn’t reached the town’s newsletter yet. I’m sure it would. They hadn’t even figured out I had been dating Sawyer, but they would figure out we had broken up. Though, could you really even count it as dating or breaking up? No, it had been hiding, me falling in love, and Sawyer running away from his feelings.
Maybe he would get his head out of his ass and think about wanting to move forward, but it wouldn’t be with me. Because he might say he’s not enough, but I clearly had been enough for him to at least take a moment and breathe.
He had been through one of the worst things possible, and my heart ached for him. I had shed countless tears over what he had gone through. There weren’t any words for that kind of pain. But perhaps it was for the best that he had walked away. Because I had made a fool of myself by telling him I loved him when he had nothing left to give. Perhaps I thought his excuses were a lie. He had so much to give someone, even if his heart ached. Even if his past was a hellscape of horror. But he didn’t believe it.
And I wasn’t his.
And yet the problem with going to work and putting on a brave face, was that nobody knew why Sawyer wasn’t coming to work. And why I looked like I had been run over by a car.
But they all knew something had happened.
I didn’t hate Sawyer. I didn’t even dislike him.
I knew he was hurting. And all I wanted to do was hold him so he could breathe.
I didn’t need him to love me. I just needed him to love himself.
That was why I needed to get on with work and breathe as well.
Nothing good could come from my wallowing. At least in my case.
I would break down later. First, I needed to help with the Henderson account and make sure that everyone on the team had exactly what they needed.
While I was terrible at relationships and being a human being sometimes, I was amazing at my job. If I kept propping myself up enough, I would one day believe I was good enough.
Go team!
“Are you okay?” Gus asked, brow raised. The man had been so caring for the past three days. So gentle. Yes, Gus was the gentle giant usually, but he was the only one who knew as many details as possible. No wonder he had always been so delicate with me. As if he knew one day Sawyer might walk away.
I did not blame Gus for that.
Frankly I didn’t even blame Sawyer.
I blamed myself for falling in love.
“I’m great!”
He blinked at me, and I realized I might’ve screamed that.
“Okay, I’m okay. However I’m here for work. I am going to go meet with Mr. Henderson and we are going to do a fantastic job on this account.”
“How much coffee have you had?” Ford asked from my other side, and I rolled my shoulders back.
“One does not discuss how much cold brew one has had.”
“Maybe one should discuss it,” Ford said, blinking rapidly.
“I got this. You can trust me. I promise.”
The guys shared a look, and I wanted to scream even though I knew they were worried about me for a reason. I was acting out of character, and this was my job. They needed me to be sane so I could keep everyone safe. I was the one who needed to get my head out of my ass this time. Not Sawyer.
“Really guys. I’m fine. I’m in a good place to talk with Mr. Henderson over there, and go through all of the plans again on the tablet, while you guys get set up. This was the plan, and you can trust me. I promise.”
“We do trust you. That’s why we’re a little worried about you,” Ford whispered.
I winced, even though I told myself I would stop doing that. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
“Kate…” Gus began.
“Okay. I’m not fine right now. But that’s okay. I don’t need to be fine right now. But I do need to be pleasant Kate. Reliable Kate. Hard worker Kate. So that is what I’m going to do.”
I made my way over to where our client stood, hands over his chest.
“Hello, Mr. Henderson. I have my tablet here so let’s go everything step-by-step.”
The man glared at me, his eyes glancing down at my jumpsuit and boots. It was a fashionable jumpsuit, one I thought looked quite professional. I hadn’t wanted to show up in stilettos and a pencil skirt. I loved that kind of outfit, but I had a feeling Mr. Henderson wanted to see a little more work in the field versus in the office.
“Kate, right?”
I nodded, my smile bright. “Yes. I’m so glad that you remembered. Now, I do have all the plans in front of me, and I know you wanted to go through them. While the team is working on their set up, you and I are going to have a lot of fun with this app.”
“I don’t know if fun and apps have ever been said in the same sentence before,” he said dryly.
That made me laugh for the first time in three days. “Honestly, you’re right. However, I love organization and plans. So maybe it’s fun for me.”
Mr. Henderson, the man who had glowered and growled for most of the past few weeks when we had been dealing with paperwork, laughed.
Ford, Gus, and the rest of the team froze behind me, their gazes wide as they stared over at the unheard-of sound that was Mr. Henderson laughing.
I beamed at them, because yes, I might be broken and dying inside, but at least I was good at my job.
“Okay now, let’s use that enthusiasm for good.” I pause. “And by good, I mean spreadsheets.”
The older man snorted, and we did indeed get down to business with our spreadsheets.
This project had multiple steps, places where everything could go wrong at once. This wasn’t just a home or business that needed to be connected to high-grade security, there were also working parts that had to deal with team members on both sides, high level security issues, and even biomechanics. Noah was great at that part, but for now we needed to go step-by-step.
Mr. Henderson also had to answer to his board, so that would be another meeting. However, I would at least be useful in that.
“You really have this down,” the man said after two hours.
I smiled up at him, finally feeling that I was doing something right for once. “I do. But don’t sound so surprised. It is my job.”
“You guys are the fourth company I’ve tried working with. Even though they do come prepared, they can’t deal with my need to know every single detail.”
“Honestly, what they may need is someone like me who can let you go through it while they’re going through their parts of the plans. Because you’ll notice that you have not stopped anyone from working this entire time. You don’t need to second guess what they’re doing, you need someone to go through it as they’re doing it.”
“Exactly. Because I need to be able to explain this to all 500 people that answer to me.”
“And it’s a big job. So that’s what we are here for.”
“And if you ever want a job with us, just let us know.”
Flattered, I shook my head. “I’m really happy where I am.” Even though I felt like part of that was a lie. Because the man that I loved was next door to me, and I had to find a way to get over that.
“Are you trying to poach our favorite admin?” Ford asked, and Mr. Henderson just grinned.
“Damn straight.”
“I think this means I need a raise,” I said, completely joking.
Ford rolled his eyes. “Now look what you’ve done,” he said, and before I could answer, and explained that I wasn’t serious, a sharp crack hit the air.
Mr. Henderson cursed at my side as Ford flung himself on top of me.
My back hit the ground, and the air was knocked out of me as Ford covered my body with his. Three more cracks echoed throughout the air, as Gus was yelling into the radio, and other people were saying things all around me.
And it took those few moments of them doing what they did to keep us safe for me to realize that somebody was shooting at us.
My pulse raced, and my palms went sweaty. I was never out in the field where I could get shot at. That was not my job. This was not a high-security section.
But as my mouth went dry, Ford took me behind a wall, and Mr. Henderson knelt beside me, checking me over.
“Are you okay?” He paused. “I was a medic.”
I nodded, squeezing my hands open and closed. “I’m fine. Just got the wind knocked out of me.”
“Good. Sit there.” He looked over at Ford. “I think they’re done.”
“Hugh got him,” Ford said quietly, and I really hoped that it meant that the guy was down and handcuffed, and not something worse.
My heart raced, and I tried to keep up with the conversation as the authorities arrived, and we explained what happened. They had already set up video surveillance, so the authorities knew exactly what had gone on.
I wasn’t privy to the classified information on why the shooting had occurred. And frankly I was fine not knowing. I didn’t want that to be part of my job description. It turned out that Hugh had knocked the guy out from behind and had indeed used zip ties to keep him secure. That was the only thing that made it so I didn’t throw up right there. I did not like high stress situations. And I felt as though I would pass out if I thought about it too hard.
By the time we made it back to the office, every other team member had shown up as well. There was food, nonalcoholic drinks, and everybody was debriefed. It was all I could do not to throw up.
This had been a merciless week. And all I wanted to do was go home, get in the bath, and have a very large glass of wine.
“Kate? You okay?” Daisy asked, her voice soft.
I nodded, knowing it was true. “I’m fine. Really.”
“All of you are required to talk with our team leader before you come back to work though. You know that right?”
I nodded, relieved. “You guys always take care of everyone’s health. Mental and physical.”
“Damn straight. Do you want a ride home?”
“I got her.”
I looked up sharply at the sound of Sawyer’s voice, and everybody stopped talking, staring at the two of us.
“If that’s okay with her,” Sawyer said as his jaw tensed.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Gus asked.
And I knew at that moment, if I didn’t get him out of there, everybody was going to have an opinion about this. And I barely had one of my own. I didn’t know why Sawyer was there, and I didn’t even know if I wanted him to be. However, I needed to get us both out of there.
“It’s fine. Thank you.” I grabbed my bag and headed out of the room before anybody could stop me. This was probably the worst decision I could make. However, I just needed to get out of there.
I pushed past Sawyer on my way to the parking lot, stopping at the small bridge that connected the parking lot to the main buildings. Then Sawyer had his arms around me and crushed me to his chest.
“I got here as soon as I heard. Are you okay?” He pulled me away for a moment, cupping my face as he studied me. “Are you hurt anywhere? Do you need to go to the hospital?”
I swallowed hard, shaking my head. “I’m fine. Ford pushed me out of the way.” I cursed with how that sounded. “It was nowhere near me. But everybody had a reflex, and they got me out of the way. I’m fine.”
“I didn’t even realize you went out in the field like that. What the hell?”
“It wasn’t supposed to be like that. And I’m not usually out there. You know that. We talked about that. Why are you here, Sawyer?”
“I should have been here before. But I can’t make up for that other than to say I’m sorry. So damn sorry. You could have been killed. It scared the fuck out of me.”
“I thought I didn’t matter to you like that. You walked away, Sawyer.”
“Because I’m an idiot. Because I wasn’t allowing myself to feel. I thought that if I pushed you away, if you were safe in another direction, nothing could happen to you. And then look what happened. You were shot at today. My brother was shot at today too.”
The pain in his voice nearly broke me. “We are both fine, Sawyer.”
“You keep saying fine , but I don’t believe it. You could have gotten hurt today.”
“You’re the one who hurt me.” I hadn’t meant to scream the words, but here we were, once again on a different bridge, with everything that I’d tried to bury deep spilling out of me. “You pushed me away. I said I love you and you said I wasn’t good enough.”
“No, I said I wasn’t good enough,” Sawyer snapped. “And I’m not. How could I be when I don’t tell you that I fucking love you. Because I do. It scared me so much. Do you know that every time I close my eyes and try to go to sleep, I see you in the car next to me? I see that drunk driver hitting your side as you scream my name, and I can’t help you. I see you die in my sleep and I can’t help you. I can’t do anything to save you.”
Blood drained from my face as I stared at him, trying to comprehend his words. I felt like I was two paces back, only trying to catch up. “No. I didn’t know any of this. Because you don’t tell me anything. I’m not Laura. And it’s not your fault what happened. You know this.”
“It doesn’t help the nightmares.”
“Then talk to me. Talk to someone. You can’t control fate. You can do everything in your capacity to keep us safe, but sometimes the worst happens. And that’s terrible. You can’t live your life expecting the worst.”
“I nearly lost you today.”
“You already did though.”
“Give me another chance. I love you, Kate. I knew the moment I watched you lift your face up to the sky and try to catch snow. In that moment I knew that you could be mine forever if I let it happen. But I wasn’t going to let it happen. Because I was so damn afraid. Then you were almost hurt anyway. Please, take me back. Let me figure out exactly how to do this boyfriend thing. I’m not good at it, but I want to try. Please. I’m so sorry. I can’t promise I will never hurt you again, because casual hurt still counts. Even when we don’t try. But I’m never going to be that stupid again. I was coming back. I was going to come to your house tonight and grovel. And I will crawl right now on this bridge. Please take a chance on me. Again. Please be kind to the asshole that I am. And love me.”
Tears were freely flowing down my cheeks as I gripped his shirt. “I already love you. You jerk. But every time you get scared you can’t hurt me and push me away. You have to trust me. And yourself.”
“And I’m trying with every ounce that I am. Every single day. I’m trying to earn you.”
“You already earned me. You just need to find a way to believe that.”
“I love you, Kate.”
And for a moment, it truly felt as if I were watching this take place from far away. He had said the words multiple times on this bridge, and yet in that moment, it felt as if I had been waiting all my life. And here it was. It wasn’t perfect, but it was ours.
I reached out to cup his face. “I love you, Sawyer. Let’s not mess this up.”
“Damn straight.” He cleared his throat. “And I am ready to kneel down on this bridge and grovel.”
“You can grovel later.” I paused. “Bridge people?” I asked, and Sawyer threw his head back and laughed. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
“Apparently. I guess this means every time I see a bridge I have to tell you I love you. I don’t like that.”
When he crushed his mouth to mine, I was lost.
I knew this was only our beginning. But it wasn’t an ending.
The world was unfair, it wasn’t easy, but it was ours.
And I loved the man who held me with such care it was as if he knew either one of us could break. However, we would be there to catch the other. Something we hadn’t allowed ourselves to think about before.
And so I kissed the man I loved on our bridge.
And later when he knelt down on one knee to propose on another bridge, I said yes.
And on yet another bridge I vowed to love him until the end of our days.
In years later when we watched our children ride their bikes over the bridge near our house, I held on to Sawyer, knowing that we were indeed connected by bridges.
And I would go over them every day just to see him smile and mean it, until the end of our lives.