CHAPTER FOUR
The first weeks with Caleen by his side turned out to be the best and the hardest Taveris had ever experienced.
He'd heard stories about companions all his life, about those who fell in love and those who didn't. He'd thought he knew what it was going to be like.
He had no idea.
The pull towards Caleen was stronger than he'd ever predicted, and while it wasn't bad—it was the opposite of bad—it also brought up some challenges.
First of all, he had to learn to control himself better. His friends and family would laugh if they heard that, because for them, Taveris was the epitome of self-control. But Caleen changed everything. Taveris had to fight for every scrap of strength he had so he wouldn't touch his companion constantly, wouldn't press him against his body, wouldn't kiss him stupid, wouldn't— Well. The Soryan Incident, as Caleen called it, blushing every time, had taught Taveris that some things really needed to happen not only behind closed doors, but also when they were certain they wouldn't get interrupted.
What helped him to get a grip was his responsibility to Caleen. His companion was the heir of a kingdom that didn't recognize and didn't respect relationships between people of the same gender. From what Taveris had gathered so far—mostly from the things Caleen didn't say—the king also wasn't a warm and forgiving father. And while everybody said that no secrets had ever left the Academy, Caleen felt that he had to be particularly careful. He wasn't shy about his devotion to Taveris, but when they were among others, he avoided anything that seemed overtly romantic.
Which would be more than fine with Taveris before, because he had never enjoyed public displays with any of his previous partners. Now that he struggled with not touching Caleen all the time, it proved to be a challenge, but Taveris's first priority was his companion's well-being. And if that meant that they had to put on a front in public, so be it.
That was another thing, though. Finding a companion in the prince heir meant that Taveris's life was suddenly split between private and public in ways he'd never expected and certainly never planned for. It wasn't just the official appearances, because so far there weren't any aside from one press conference a few days after the searching ceremony. It was more about the daily presence of Caleen's new advisors, Master Dorrat and Lord Dalon. The time that most companion couples had only for themselves, to do whatever they wanted, Caleen and Taveris had to split between the real time alone and the time spent with two people who wanted to discuss pretty much everything. Caleen was apparently required to have an opinion about any given topic, but then this opinion had to pass the scrutiny of his advisors, as well as what the king was probably thinking about the issue. Taveris watched as his companion balanced all of it, and he marveled at the skill it had to take.
But Caleen being Caleen, he just shrugged when Taveris pointed it out one night.
"I've been preparing for this my entire life. I've learned."
This was something Taveris had figured out pretty early on about his companion—Caleen rarely complained. He took his life as it came to him and dealt with the challenges of being a new Academy student as well as the prince heir as if it was nothing. He also laughed at himself every time he failed at something he now had to do on his own, the little everyday things most people learned much earlier in their lives.
"I actually like that no one treats me any different here," he told Taveris at some point. "Sure, it's an adjustment, but I didn't come here to have everything handed to me. That's not what this is about. Besides," he added, flashing a smile that he knew would reduce Taveris to want-need-now, "the perks overpower any issues I may have."
And wasn't that an understatement.
Taveris would survive any public appearance, he would get used to the protocol and the rules that came with the royalty, and he would do it gladly, because there was nothing in his life more important than Caleen now. Nothing.
It was scary at times, but mostly, it was absolutely amazing to have somebody in his life who seemed to get him in a way no one else ever had. Sure, they were still getting to know one another, but there was a sense of certainty in it, the knowledge that, yes, this was his person.
Also, said person was the hottest man alive. Taveris wasn't a novice at sex, but he felt like he was discovering it all over again with Caleen, who might have been inexperienced at the start, but was also open to anything. The initial shyness appeared less and less, and more often than not, the daring, hungry Caleen was there instead.
Right after the searching ceremony, when Taveris's brother was giving him The Talk, he suggested that Taveris and Caleen should try taking it slow initially, but Taveris figured Paeveris obviously couldn't be speaking from experience. There was no chance someone actually managed to keep their distance from their companion if there was any sexual attraction involved at all.
And even if he tried, Caleen dismissed it right away. Taveris would learn in time that telling Caleen he couldn't do something was the quickest way to actually make him do that exact thing. But back then, Taveris just did what felt right—to both him and Caleen. And for them, restraint simply didn't feel right.
Even that first day, once they were finally left alone in their new rooms after the searching ceremony and Paeveris's suggestions were still ringing in the back of Taveris's head, all Caleen had to do was look at him and lick his lips, and Taveris was there, pressing him against the door and rutting against him until they both came.
Half an hour after that, he had Caleen naked, spread on their bed—because it was theirs right from the start, never just his—and smiling at Taveris as he pulled him down into a kiss. He was nervous, yes, but also eager and vocal about wanting Taveris. Their first time happened right then and there, and it had been better than anything Taveris had ever done with anyone else.
It had only gotten better after that, too.
Now, they had the bonding ceremony ahead of them, which was supposed to settle the bond between them and diminish the urgency and codependency a bit while also making their relationship stronger. Taveris couldn't imagine it, but, on the other hand, any ideas he'd had about having a companion hadn't measured up to the real thing, so all he could do was wait and see.
In the meantime, as the day was coming up, he started to worry about Caleen, who changed the subject every time his advisors mentioned the ceremony. At first, Taveris hadn't noticed—sometimes, admittedly, he drifted off when the three of them were discussing something he had no input on—but after the second, and third, and fourth time, it was impossible to miss.
He waited until they were lying in bed that night, facing each other.
"Is there something worrying you about the bonding ceremony?" he asked quietly, running his hand up and down Caleen's lower back. It was supposed to calm Caleen down, but maybe he was the one who needed it as the doubt crept in. "If you have any hesitation or worries—"
"No!" Caleen lifted up onto his elbow. "Of course not. Wait," he added in the next second and frowned. "Do you?"
"No," Taveris assured him. "I have never been more certain of anything in my life than I am of how I feel about you," he said, putting his hand on Caleen's cheek. "But I needed to make sure that you're certain, too. If you want to wait or—"
"I don't want to wait!" Caleen cut in. "If I could, I would have bonded with you the day after the searching ceremony," he added before leaning in for a kiss. It started soft, but soon it became deeper and hungrier. "Hook." Caleen pulled away and closed his eyes. "The things you do to me."
"The feeling's mutual, trust me."
Caleen opened his eyes, and they shone bright in the darkened room.
"I trust you more than I thought I could ever trust another person," he whispered. "It scares me, sometimes, but I wouldn't change it for anything."
Taveris had to kiss him again. "Me, too," he whispered against Caleen's lips. "I feel the same way."
He pulled Caleen closer against his chest and for a while, they just lay there in silence.
"What are you worried about, then?" Taveris asked, circling back to the beginning.
Caleen tensed and didn't say anything for the longest time.
"My father," he finally admitted, voice so quiet Taveris barely heard him.
Of course.
Taveris should have known. He might not be aware of all the details, but he still should have guessed.
"What about him?" he pressed as he ran his hand up and down Caleen's back again.
"He doesn't know about me," Caleen murmured as he tapped his fingers against Taveris's ribs. "Nobody does, outside of this place, but— But especially him."
Taveris kissed the top of his companion's head. "I figured."
Caleen took a deep, shaky breath. "A part of me wants to shout it out from the rooftops, go out there to the ceremony and show everyone who you are to me. But the other part… I know it's not the right time."
"We will still show everyone who we are to each other," Taveris told him, holding him tighter. "You are my companion, and I am yours. Our bond is known, and that is worthy of celebration. What we do with that bond… That's ours."
"I don't want to hide forever," Caleen said after a while. He rolled them over so that he could rest his chin on Taveris's chest as he looked at him. "I know people like me hide after leaving the Academy, but I don't want that. I'm the Prince Heir, I want to lead by example." He sighed. "One day, I want everyone to know they don't have to hide. I just…need time, I guess."
Taveris ran his hand through Caleen's hair, feeling overwhelmed by how much he cared about this man.
"You can have as much time as you need," he told him quietly. "If you want to be open, we'll be open. If you want to hide, we'll hide."
Caleen frowned. "Don't tell me it doesn't matter to you. I know it's different in your land."
"Would I want to be able to go out holding your hand? Sure. But I know it's not how things are done here, and I can deal. What's most important to me is your safety. And I know that, right now, it wouldn't be safe for you. I put you at risk once, I won't—"
"What?" Caleen lifted his head. "When did you put me at risk?"
Taveris raised his eyebrows. "How about right after the searching ceremony? You said it yourself, it could've been your father, not Soryan."
"I also said that we both got carried away and I meant it. You didn't put me at risk, we both…weren't thinking."
The twisted half-smile Caleen gave him made Taveris's mind go sideways.
They could talk about serious stuff some other time, after all.
"Yeah, that's right," he murmured, lowering his voice and dropping his hand under the covers, to the edges of Caleen's underwear. "We didn't do much thinking then."
"How about," Caleen started, moving to cover Taveris's body with his, "we do equally little thinking right now?"
Taveris laughed right into Caleen's mouth but rolled his hips in response anyway.
"Perfect."
And right then and there, between just the two of them, it was.
But two days later, on the morning of the ceremony, when Taveris stood by Caleen's side as they were waiting for the king's automobile to pull up, he saw firsthand how not-perfect the rest of Caleen's world was. His companion stood straight and still, no smile in sight since they'd stepped outside, only nodding at whatever Lord Dalon was saying on his other side. Taveris noticed Master Dorrat stood back with the headmaster and whispered something to him. The man was always somber, which made it hard to know what he was really thinking, but Taveris had noticed Master Dorrat could read Caleen well, so he'd probably figured out that the relationship between the king and his son was strained.
But then the royal automobiles were already there, and they all had to play their parts.
Taveris watched as first the queen and then the king left their vehicle. He had met the king after the searching ceremony, but he'd been so overwhelmed by Caleen that he barely remembered anything else. He recalled that the king had offered him a handshake and wished him good luck, but that was all. The queen, he'd only seen in the photographs in the papers and books before, and she'd been simply a political figure back then, just like the king. Right here, they were as real as it got, especially when Caleen straightened even more by his side.
What have you done to him? Taveris thought but didn't say. He nodded in all the right places, he recited the greetings perfectly, but kept himself on guard, just in case.
After the introductions, they moved inside, and things got a little easier. The king asked about their training and Taveris's family, and generally seemed to be polite, if rather cold. Taveris would have probably attributed it to the fact that as the king, the man had to maintain his boundaries, but after seeing how stressed Caleen had been over his father, it was difficult to like him. The queen was a little more approachable, but not by much, in Taveris's opinion.
Then it was time for the ceremony and everything else didn't matter anymore.
Seeing Caleen in the ceremonial white clothes released the tension that Taveris hadn't even realized he was feeling. He took a deep breath and tried to open the connection, just like Master Mandryell had showed them.
As he stared into Caleen's eyes, he knew the moment it happened, a new kind of recognition fluttering in his chest. Judging from Caleen's wide grin, he felt it, too.
I love you, Taveris thought. He hadn't said it yet, not wanting to rush it too much, but tonight, after this… Tonight would be right. Caleen was right. And he deserved to know.
This, the ceremony among witnesses, was important, of course. It was a centuries-old tradition. But Taveris vowed to cherish the moments between the two of them just as much, if not more. They were, after all, what their life would be about after tonight. They had four years of learning, developing their skills, and working on their bond ahead of them. Four years of living together, day in and day out, before they graduated and started a new chapter somewhere else.
Taveris knew that not all of those days were going to be good. The two of them were going to argue, they were going to get hurt, and, more than likely, they were going to hurt each other. The mere idea of that was painful right now, but if Taveris wanted a real relationship, this was what he had to be prepared for.
"You're going to love him like you never loved anyone else," his father had told him right before the ceremony when he was helping him get ready. "But just the same, he'll have the power to hurt you like no one else. Remember that not everything is easy simply because you love each other, yet at the same time, nothing is too hard because you love each other. Do you understand?"
Taveris had nodded then, because he trusted his father, but mostly, he focused on the good parts. He focused on the way Caleen's look, or his smile, could make him feel. He focused on the way his companion's touch ignited something in him, a flame that shone bright and strong inside him, sometimes wildly out of control. He focused on the way Caleen felt like home to him, like a safe haven.
I love you, he thought again, watching his companion, and grinned back.