CHAPTER TWELVE
The next few days seemed to pass in a blur. Taveris was slowly catching up on all that he'd missed, and what Caleen or others didn't tell him, he figured out from brief mentions here and there. He still needed to have a private talk with Naveen, but since he wasn't yet ready to spend time apart from Caleen, it had to wait for the right moment.
Finally, one night, he managed to maneuver the seats during dinner so that Naveen was sitting right next to him. Taveris waited until Caleen was deep in conversation with Soryan's brother and his companion before nudging Naveen, who took one look at him and sighed.
"Ask what you want to ask, but I'm not sure I have the answers you hope for."
Taveris grimaced. That was the thing, though. He didn't really know what he was after.
"I just want to hear more about what went on. Sometimes I feel like everything's good, or as good as it's going to be, considering. But other times I feel like I'm missing something, like there's a problem I haven't figured out yet."
Naveen glanced behind Taveris, probably to make sure his brother wasn't listening.
"It was…bad," he admitted quietly. "But how could it be any different? He was— I can't believe he'd done all that he did, given everything. There were days when he didn't leave your rooms, when he hardly sat up in bed," Naveen was whispering now. "But on other days, he still managed to get out there and face everyone. And I mean everyone, including the press and the royal council. Have you heard that he left the Academy on his own to go meet with them?"
He had. They came close to having their first fight since his return over this, because Taveris pictured all the things that could have gone wrong while Caleen focused only on the end result. He closed off completely when asked about the conversation with the king, too, so it wasn't hard to guess it had been a nightmare.
All of it seemed like a nightmare, as far as Taveris was concerned.
For now, he nodded, and Naveen continued.
"Yeah. We were all terrified, but he was just— He thought that's what he had to do for them to agree with his stance on the marriage issue, and you know how single-minded he can get when he thinks he has to do something. I also think getting it approved was what kept him going, you know?" Naveen stared down on his plate. "He was either on, when he was fighting for it, or completely off when he wasn't. There was no in-between. I was actually afraid…"
"Of what?" Taveris pressed when it didn't seem like Naveen would finish the sentence.
"I was afraid what it was going to be like going forward, now that the royal council has made their decision. Sure, people are still up in their arms about it, so it's far from perfect, but… He won this fight. Soon enough there wouldn't have been anything to fight for anymore, so I was afraid there would be nothing but off days ahead, for him."
Taveris suddenly felt cold down to his bones. The only point of warmth was Caleen's hand tangled with his, resting on Caleen's thigh.
"Your brother would have picked himself up," Taveris whispered. "He would have needed time, yes, but he would have done it."
Naveen gave him a sad smile. "I'm glad we don't have to find out, though."
This, right here, might be yet another change that Taveris had missed. Before, Naveen was a typical younger brother, thinking there was nothing Caleen couldn't do. And with a brother like Caleen, it wasn't surprising that the belief survived for so long. But now it looked like Naveen had learned to see the limits of Caleen's superpowers.
Taveris knew it was good for both brothers, but he still hated the reason why it happened.
Caleen squeezed his fingers gently and Taveris turned quickly to see his companion watching him.
"What are the two of you talking about?" he asked, with a smile curling up in the corners of his mouth.
Taveris decided to go with an easy version of the truth.
"About how amazing you are, of course," he said, smiling back and tightening his grip on Caleen's hand.
Caleen snorted, but there was something there, something in his eyes that caught Taveris's attention. It was the same thing that kept pulling him up short, taking him off guard. Everything could be great, they could be laughing or making love and he would know in the deepest parts of him that they were both happy, and then, in the blink of an eye, there was this shadow creeping inside Caleen that Taveris didn't know what to do with.
He told himself again and again that he should leave it be, that they both just needed more time. But the longer it went on, the harder it was for Taveris to accept it. He had never been good at handling Caleen being hurt, but in most cases, he knew there was nothing he could do but simply be there for him. He couldn't do anything to fix Caleen's issues with his father, for example, and he'd learned to keep his mouth shut about it and just hold his bonded when he needed him to. Hook, years ago Taveris had had to teach Caleen that it was okay to be held when he felt bad, but they'd gotten there.
Now, it seemed like something else was needed. He just didn't know what.
For the first time in forever, he wished Master Dorrat was here. Taveris frequently disagreed with the man, but he had no doubt that aside from him, Master Dorrat probably understood Caleen best. And Taveris would swallow his pride and go to him now, if he were here.
Sadly, he was still out there, following the trail left by Master Oriyan, and there was no telling when he would be back.
Taveris tried to simply ask Caleen, of course, since he believed the straightforward approach to be the best one. But his bonded kept telling him he was fine, "or at least as good as I'm going to get for now", and hid that haunted look away. Until the next time.
The solution, when it came, took Taveris by surprise.
They decided to go out flying, something they hadn't yet done since his return. Their security escort—Aderys and Daryan, this time, since they wanted to come together—would keep their distance in the air, so Caleen and Taveris could pretend they were completely alone.
Flying with Caleen had always been amazing, which was why they had made a point of going out for a flight at least once a week, under the guise of working on their bond connection. It was easier to access when a dragon was in his flying form, so the teachers often recommended it for additional practice. It had worked for the two of them, too, and they'd achieved their first bond transfer while flying. They managed only images at first, but later on they were also able to add an emotional component to them and, in recent months, words as well.
This time, their bond connection seemed to be pushing at them. It snapped into place even before Taveris shifted, and it was wide open right from the start. Taveris could even see what Caleen saw for a second as he settled into the harness and he could feel his mate's amazement, something that always caught him by surprise, even after all those years. Caleen adored his flying form and he always projected awe and wonder up there, different than what he usually shared on the ground. Taveris had no reason to ever doubt Caleen's love for him, but it still amazed him how vast it could be and how varied.
First minutes up in the air were always pure joy. Taveris had loved flying his whole life, but it wasn't until he'd flown with Caleen that he fully comprehended what a thrill it could be. For him, it had been something he could do ever since he remembered, but for his mate it was something special, and in turn, it became special to Taveris, as well.
Today, after they had been flying for some time and the initial euphoria gave room to other things, Taveris realized it was his best chance to learn more about what was going on with Caleen. The open bond was a two-way connection and sometimes, they didn't just receive the images and emotions attached to them, they could also reach out and catch something. It was usually glimpses, emotional tones or stray thoughts. If one focused on a specific subject, he could find something related to that—not enough to get a full picture, but enough to start a conversation, if it was needed. They'd had a few difficult discussions over the years that started just like that, mainly about Caleen's family.
Taveris hoped it would work this time, as well, but as soon as he reached out, he could tell something was different. The bond seemed to pull him forward in a way that made him wobble in the air as he lost his balance. He was suddenly bombarded with images and emotions, and the intensity was more like what he would think and feel himself, not what he could receive second-hand.
There was their room, dark except for what little light could come in through the closed curtains, and Taveris—no, Caleen—was lying in bed, feeling nothing. Nothing at all.
There was the entrance hall, cold and dark in the shadows of a sunrise, and the guilt was too heavy for his body. He wanted to get on his knees, he wanted to lie down and never get up, but he couldn't. He couldn't.
There was Taveris's family, somber and suffering, and the guilt would never end, he knew, but that was what he deserved. All of it.
There was an audience, staring at him, but he knew his brother was there as well, a few steps away. Caleen was doing it for him, now. For others, too, but mostly for Naveen. He would take on the world for his brother, if it was the last thing he did. If only.
There was Naveen, kneeling by the bed, and Caleen knew he was saying something, he could see his brother's mouth moving, but no sounds were reaching him. Naveen should stop coming here, it was only hurting him, and he didn't deserve that. It was all Caleen's fault, no one else's.
There was their other room, and he was sitting there, surrounded by people who thought they knew better. Master Dorrat, Lord Dalon, and the headmaster were all telling him to stay back, to let it be decided by the people, by the royal council. Anger and fear barely raised their heads through the emptiness inside of him these days, but they were still there, and these so-called suggestions just fueled his need to go. They weren't going to stop him.
There were the doors to the king's meeting room and Caleen was staring at them, waiting. He'd expected to feel anger, or rage, really, but there was fear instead, choking him like only once before. Please, not this. Anything but this.
There was the King, watching him silently with a blank face from the other side of the table as Caleen addressed the council. He knew the King didn't get it, didn't understand. "You won't marry anyway," he'd told him earlier. Of course Caleen wouldn't. Of course. It wasn't about him, though, not anymore.
There was his room again, completely dark this time. Maybe it was night, he didn't know. What difference did it make? None. None at all.
The bond connection closed so suddenly that Taveris wobbled again, his heart hammering as he came back to the present. He could feel Caleen on top of him, secure in his seat, but the bond wasn't giving Taveris anything. Caleen had to have closed it off, pushed him out.
He obviously hadn't wanted Taveris to see any of this, but it was too late.
Taveris took a sharp turn and headed back onto the field. He needed to see Caleen, needed to talk to him, needed to—
Breathe, he told himself. Breathe.
They landed and he almost vibrated with the urge to shift, but he had to wait for his mate to get down. The moment it happened, though, Taveris changed forms and approached Caleen, who was gripping the harness in his hands so hard that his knuckles were pale.
"Is everything okay?" Aderys's voice from the side pulled Taveris's attention.
Of course, Aderys and Daryan had to have noticed his erratic flying.
"I'm fine," he said, putting his hand up to stop them from coming closer. "We just need— Can you give us some space?"
Aderys looked between them. "Of course. There's no one around, so we'll head back and wait for you about half-way there."
Far enough to make sure they were unable to hear anything.
Taveris nodded his thanks and watched them go for a bit before turning to Caleen, who seemed to be staring at some far away point in the opposite direction.
"Love—" he started, not knowing where to go from there, really. He'd known his bonded had been devastated, of course he had, but there was knowing and there was feeling it.
"What was that?" Caleen asked, voice hoarse and unlike himself. "How did you do that?"
"I don't know," Taveris admitted, coming closer and around until he was facing his bonded, but Caleen still didn't look at him. "I reached out, as usual, and then it seemed to…pull me in."
"I didn't want you to see any of this." The words came in a whisper, but they were no less painful because of it.
"I know." Taveris lowered his voice until it was barely louder than Caleen's. "I'm glad I saw it, though."
Caleen clenched his jaw and tossed the harness onto the ground before curling his hands into fists. He was almost shaking with it, and maybe Taveris should try to calm him down, but he didn't. Calming Caleen down wasn't always the right solution. Sometimes he needed to let it out, whatever it was, instead of always trying to push things down.
And there was apparently a lot he needed to let out this time. Too much to handle at once, so Taveris focused on the most important thing.
"What are you feeling so guilty for?"
Because there was time for subtlety and there was time for taking a chopping knife to the problem and smashing it in half.
"What am I—" Caleen finally looked at him and there was fire burning bright in his eyes. "Are you kidding me right now, what else should I—" He shook his head. "You know, forget it, it's—"
"I'm not going to forget it," Taveris cut in. "Tell me what you feel so guilty for."
"Fine. You want a list? I will give you a list." Caleen's shoulders were starting to shake now and Taveris had to force himself not to reach out and touch him. "I feel guilty because I'm the reason you were targeted. I feel guilty because you could've—you could've died, and it would have been my fault. You did die. I know it sounds stupid, because you're here now and you're fine, but in my head, you did die because of something I did, because of something I wanted—"
"None of it is your fault!" Taveris tried to cut him off again, but Caleen just went on.
"You've been suffering for years because you bonded with me. Anyone else, and you could've had a nice, quiet life. But the Prince Heir, that comes with a price. And that price wasn't just being in the public eye, oh no."
Caleen half-turned, staring off somewhere in the distance again, and Taveris couldn't take his eyes off of him. It was like watching a storm raging right in front of you.
"You had to deal with people being up in our business all the time, you had to deal with all those public appearances, and then, then, you had to deal with my father and his… His contempt for everything we stand for." Caleen's eyes were still bright, but this time there were tears there, about to break out. "And after all that, because I wanted a marriage, because I wanted to use my right to marry whoever I chose… You almost died because I couldn't just leave it the hook alone."
"I was taken because some idiot thought the Prince Heir would cower in fear when threatened." Taveris crossed what little space there was between them and grasped Caleen's shoulders. "It wasn't your fault. The only person at fault is the one who did this to us. To you."
The tears finally fell from Caleen's eyes. "To you, you mean."
"No," Taveris told him. "They did this to you. You were the target and you know it, you just twisted it in your head to see himself as being the reason, instead. Someone wanted to hurt you and they used me, because they knew what would be the most painful for you."
"And you got hurt because of it!"
"It's still not your fault!" Taveris raised his voice to match Caleen's, but then he took a deep breath to calm down. He needed to get through to his bonded and he wasn't going to do that by shouting at him. "Listen to me, you can be angry, or sad, or wondering why the world is such an awful place that someone would do something like this, but don't you dare feel guilty over something that was not your fault."
"It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken on the marriage issue!"
"You don't know that."
Caleen chuckled, but there was no joy in it.
"Please, weren't you the one who pointed out I was drawing a big target on my back by doing this? Weren't you the one who predicted the fight would get ugly?"
"And did I, at any point, suggest that I think it would be your fault if something happened?"
Caleen pulled away from his grip and took a step back.
"You were warning me, and I didn't listen, and then you were hurt, Taveris! I don't need to see it any clearer than I already do."
Taveris swallowed hard. If the logic didn't work, he had to try something else.
"I didn't fall in love with a coward, you know."
Caleen's eyes widened and he looked like he took a hit to the chin. Taveris's stomach tightened, but he didn't let himself back away.
"I knew who you were right from the start," he went on. "We weren't supposed to meet human candidates before the searching ceremony, but everyone knew that the Prince Heir was there. If someone asked me back then if I wanted to match with the future king, I would've said no. But once I met you? Nothing else mattered. Nothing, you hear me?" Taveris stepped closer again and took Caleen's face between his hands. "You are so much more than the heir to the throne, but you're also a king in the making. You're a leader and you are smart, so smart I can barely keep up with you some days. You care about people and you're brave not because you don't fear anything, but because you do things despite the fear. So many people tried to put you down over the years, your father included, but you didn't let them. You didn't let them crush you and mold you into someone you are not, and I wouldn't want to change you into someone else, either. You are who I want. You are who I love, and who I want to spend the rest of my life with."
Caleen opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. Good. For once in their life, Taveris was the one with all the words. He found it impossible to stop now.
"I was happy you wanted to marry me. I was afraid of the possible repercussions, yes, but I was happy. I already knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, but to have you take this a step further and fight for us to be recognized by your kingdom's law, as well?" Taveris paused, remembering the awe and disbelief he'd felt. "You knew all the risks and you made the right decision. Actually, we made this decision, remember? You asked me to marry you and I said yes, and I never regretted it, not once." He brought their foreheads together. "Not once."
He pulled back a bit to look in Caleen's eyes.
"So, you see, I'd have been happy even if you had done this for, what was it, selfish reasons? I'm sure you called yourself selfish more times than I could count. And no, I haven't seen it in there," he added, tapping Caleen's temples gently with his fingers. "I didn't have to. You put too much on yourself and try to deal with it all, and it's too hard, but then you miraculously pull it all off, so you try to do even more. That's how I know you didn't take this cause on just for us."
He shook his head when Caleen opened his mouth.
"Let me finish," Taveris said, because he wasn't done yet. "Yes, you wanted marriage for us, I'm not arguing that. But you did it for Naveen, too. You did it for all the others you had seen in the Academy over the years. You promised them all you'd work to make things better for them and you kept that promise."
"I wouldn't have done it if not for you," Caleen cut in. "I wanted to marry you, above all."
"Just because you wanted something for yourself doesn't make you selfish. Just because you wanted to marry me doesn't mean you didn't also fight for your brother and every other own-preferring person. You kept going for them, even when I wasn't there."
"Well, I wouldn't have started it, if I knew someone would come after you!"
"I'm fine," Taveris told him. "I'm here and I'm fine. And you could never live your life out of fear, Caleen. Not ever. This is my whole point. You are not a coward. You don't allow anyone to dictate your life and I love that about you." He put their foreheads together again. "You'd never spend your life in hiding. If you had let fear rule you, you wouldn't have chosen me, you wouldn't have bonded with me. You wouldn't have built our life together with me. You'd be a sad, lonely person who doesn't let anyone in. Who has a lot of love to give but no one to give it to, because he's too afraid. But that's not you. That's not the person I love."
Caleen was sobbing now and Taveris knew he was crying as well. He was all out of words. He pulled his bonded closer to him and held him as they cried.