CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Caleen didn't remember much from the way back to the main building. He knew Aderys and Daryan were there at some point, but they just fell into step ahead of them and didn't say a word about him looking like an absolute wreck. He'd stopped crying long before Taveris suggested they headed back, but it still had to be obvious that he'd fallen apart.
Hook, he'd gone his entire life with barely anyone seeing him cry and now the number of people who witnessed his breakdowns just kept growing and growing.
At least they didn't meet anyone else on their way, thank the sand and sea. It was an hour before lunch, so everyone was probably finishing classes for the day. But whatever the reason, Caleen was just glad to have some privacy.
Then, suddenly, the headmaster appeared down the corridor. Caleen was tempted to pull his companion back and hide, but that was just stupid. They couldn't do that.
"You want to see selfish, watch this," Taveris muttered before letting him go and addressing the headmaster as he walked towards them. "Sir."
"Hello, Taveris. Caleen." The headmaster nodded at them both. "There are no new developments, but we may meet to discuss the next steps later today if you wish."
"Thank you, sir, but I think it would be best if we spent more time alone in the privacy of our rooms," Taveris said. "We need some space to clear our heads. We'll give you the answer about the graduation and everything else after that, but we need to figure it out ourselves first, and with everything that's been going on, we keep getting distracted."
Taveris might have been wasting his talents, staying away from politics as much as possible. He definitely knew how to turn things around to get the results he wanted, as proven by the headmaster, who nodded.
"Of course. Take your time."
"If something big happens and you need us, you know where to find us, but we'd prefer not to be disturbed if at all possible. We'll arrange our meals through Naveen, but other than that, let's pretend we're not even here," Taveris went on and Caleen had to keep his face blank and not stare at his bonded in astonishment. Caleen was the heir to the throne and even he would never tell the headmaster to more-or-less stay away from him.
And yet, somehow, it worked.
"Should I notify your advisor as well or have you already spoken to him?" the headmaster asked, glancing at Caleen. If he'd noticed anything was off, he didn't comment, but then again, people had gotten used to seeing Caleen in bad shape, hadn't they?
"I haven't spoken to him since this morning," he told the headmaster. "If you could relay the message, I would very much appreciate that."
And that was it. A few minutes later, the door to their room closed behind them and they were alone.
Caleen stared at him in disbelief. "Who are you and what have you done with my companion?"
Taveris snorted before pressing him against the door.
"That's what a little selfishness looks like," he told him with a smirk before the lines on his face softened and he ran his fingers through Caleen's hair, watching it as if he saw it for the first time.
"I know it's gotten long," Caleen muttered, keeping his gaze at Taveris's chest and putting his hand over his heart. He could feel himself slowly relax, enjoying simply being so close to his bonded.
"I like it." Taveris leaned closer and kissed the top of his head, then his forehead and his nose, before pausing right over his lips.
Caleen wanted to kiss him so badly but forced himself to stand still and wait for his bonded's next move.
"I like everything about you," Taveris finally whispered, gaze focused solely on him.
Caleen couldn't look away.
He didn't want to.
"Liar," he whispered back. He was aching to throw his arms around Taveris's neck but held himself back.
He expected a hard kiss, demanding and hungry, designed to make Caleen's knees go weak and the heat in his stomach burn bright and high.
Instead, when it came, it was a soft brush of lips against lips, and then slow exploration of his mouth. It was as if Taveris was coaxing him out, which seemed silly, because they had already gone over that part four years ago, and even then, it hadn't been so gentle.
It still made his knees go weak, but in a completely different way.
He trembled again, and when he finally put his arms around Taveris's neck, his hands were unsteady.
"You are a good person," Taveris spoke against his lips. "And you try to do what's right for everyone." He dropped a line of kisses along Caleen's jaw. "So you have to stop—" A kiss over his ear. "—blaming yourself for the things other people have done."
The last part was whispered right into his ear, and Taveris's breath over his sensitive skin made Caleen swallow a moan.
"And we're staying here until you remember you deserve to have a life that's not all about other people."
Taveris drew back and pulled him towards the bed.
In that moment, Caleen was ready to suggest never leaving this room ever again. They would stay here, closed off from everyone—no decisions, no opinions, no responsibility. Taveris and him, nothing else.
"Please, yes."
The words tumbled out of his mouth at the same time that Taveris started undressing, and it made him chuckle. Perfect timing.
He reached down to get rid of his shirt, too, but Taveris was suddenly there, taking over. He was already bare-chested himself and Caleen stared at the expanse of golden skin on display, the sight he couldn't get enough of ever since he'd seen Taveris naked for the first time. There was no getting used to it. No way.
But, unlike back then, they had their own rhythm now, their own give-and-take, depending on the mood. Today, it was slow and emotional, and that edge of desperation that had seemed to be a permanent addition in the last few days was finally gone.
Caleen just wanted Taveris, he wanted to get lost in his companion, in their bond, in the sensations that drowned out everything else, left the rest of the world at bay.
And Taveris seemed bent on dragging it out for as long as he could, overwhelming Caleen with pleasure. Time seemed inconsequential, and all that mattered was Taveris's next touch, next drag of skin against skin, next push inside of him.
Caleen was floating in sensations, going higher and higher, but he maintained eye contact with Taveris the whole time. Sometimes, it was too much to see his bonded like this, but lately Caleen couldn't not watch him.
And Taveris looked back, letting him see everything. Letting him in, seemingly without any worry or doubt.
A few months ago, Caleen had been basking in the afterglow one day and decided that their love life couldn't possibly get better—that they knew each other so well and understood what ignited them and what turned them off so completely, that they'd achieved perfection.
Now, staring into Taveris's eyes as he moved in and out of his body, Caleen had to admit he'd been wrong. This, right here, was the best sex of his life. And when he finally came, it took him higher than ever before, but it also pulled him down gently. He was warm and spent, and smiling brightly, and he was here with Taveris.
Nothing could be better than this.
* * *
Hours later, he lay with his head on Taveris's chest as his companion was running his fingers through his hair and over his back, caressing his bonding mark. It was possibly the most peaceful moment Caleen had had in months, so of course he had to ruin it.
"I didn't want you to see any of this," he said quietly. The words fell out of his mouth without any conscious decision. "Not because I wanted to lie, but because…"
Because I hated it. Because when I wasn't fired up about the marriage issue, I was an empty shell, echoing the overwhelming nothingness my life had become.
How could he even explain that time and that loss now? Taveris was back, so it seemed like a bad dream, but while it was happening, it was terrifyingly, overwhelmingly real.
"You think you know yourself," he finally said, "but then something like this happens and you learn that you don't, not really."
Taveris gently nudged his head until they could look at each other.
"You were grieving. You couldn't just go on with life like it was nothing. Nobody expects that, even from the prince." He brushed his fingers over Caleen's forehead. "There's no right way to go through a loss."
Sometimes, there hadn't seemed to be any way to go through it. No point. But Caleen didn't want to say it, didn't want Taveris to focus on the darkest moments he'd seen in his head.
His bonded didn't let him off easy, though. He never had.
"Even those worst moments, you survived them."
Caleen swallowed, glancing down at Taveris's neck.
"Barely," he admitted, almost inaudible.
"I wouldn't expect any different." Taveris rested his hand on the back of Caleen's neck. "Would you?"
That made him pause. No, of course not. Of course he wouldn't expect Taveris to just…bounce back.
"Love, of course I want you to thrive and be happy, whether I'm here or not," Taveris went on. He put his thumb near the back of Caleen's jaw, a familiar gesture to make Caleen lift his head and meet his gaze. "But that's what I wish for you, not what I expect. You've managed better than I would have, that's for sure. I wouldn't be—I wouldn't do half the things you did."
"I had no choice," Caleen told him, then went on when he saw Taveris wanted to protest. "I really didn't. It was either that or nothing, and I had nothing for the rest of the time. Hook, I had nothing for the rest of my life."
He paused as his voice broke at the end.
It's not real anymore. It's not your future anymore. Taveris is here. He's alive.
He's alive.
Caleen closed his eyes.
"I promised myself years ago that I wouldn't be a person who gives up. I would do what it takes, and I would get through anything. But when you were gone, and I was so alone… I thought I knew what being lonely meant, but it was nothing, nothing like this. I wished I could just give up."
He held his breath once the words were out, but when the silence stretched, he opened his eyes slowly.
Taveris was there, meeting his gaze head on.
"But you didn't," he told Caleen.
"Not yet."
"That's more than I would've done."
Caleen snapped his head up. "What?"
Taveris shrugged, his gaze not leaving his. "I wouldn't have gotten out of that bed even once. They'd have had to carry me out or something, I don't know. I wouldn't have had any reason to get up, so I just wouldn't."
Caleen opened his mouth, ready to argue, but he stopped at Taveris's look.
"See?" he went on. "You're not bad, or weak, or whatever you've been telling yourself. I would've been way worse, and I know you know I'm not weak."
"Of course you aren't!" Caleen told him, voice louder than before. Stronger, too.
He was always at his strongest when he stood by other people, after all.
Taveris smiled softly at him and, hook, there was no one between the seas Caleen loved more than him.
"Me being back doesn't negate all that you went through," Taveris said. "Those feelings, that loss, they're not any less real just because you found me again. But I am here now, so I want to help you get through them."
With his throat clenched tight, all Caleen could manage was a shaky nod.
He had Taveris back, and together they were going to get through anything. This had never stopped being true, not for a second.