Ben
"F uck, this tent is tiny." Sutton's cheeks were flushed, and his eyes darted to me as I zipped the door shut on the neon green two-person tent he'd volunteered us to sleep in. It had taken a little while to get Sam and Micah settled and to move all the sleeping mats and bags between tents, but it was done now. And I was beyond impressed with Sutton's thoughtfulness.
"Well, I might have brought a bigger tent if I knew we'd have to share," I sighed, stripping off my sweaty shirt and changing into something clean to sleep in. I folded my shorts neatly into the pile of clothes in the corner, then tugged on some leggings, which functioned both as a warm layer and pajama pants. When I looked up, Sutton was watching me, worry in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Sorry for what?" I asked absently as I set up my sleeping space. There was something satisfying about the design of the tent, with the little pockets and hooks to keep things off the floor. Everything had a place, and it was nice to get it neat and perfectly organized. I loved the stark minimalism of the backpacking life. Everything in backpacking had to have a purpose. There was no wasted space, and the gear was all innovative and cool. I grabbed a hoodie and stuffed it into my sleeping back stuff sack to make a pillow, setting up my little LED backpacking lamp, my book, and my glasses case to prepare for bed.
Sutton cleared his throat. "I'm sorry that I gave my tent away. I'm sure you'd rather be alone."
That made me stop and glance his way, brows furrowed together in confusion. "Sutton. You gave the tent to a child who needed it to feel comfortable. Why would I be upset about that? You did a good thing."
"Oh." He ducked his chin and tucked his knees against his chest, staring at the wall of the tent. How such a massive man looked so small and vulnerable, I'd never understand. My rapidly changing opinion of Sutton unsettled me, and I wasn't sure how to interact with him anymore. Did I give him a hug? Compliment him? Ask him what was wrong?
It had been so much easier to think of him as a cocky asshole, not a complex individual with needs and feelings of his own. The first session, I knew where I stood. We were antagonists, constantly at odds. He'd make a remark, I'd clap back. It was easy.
But his recent actions were forcing me to look back at how rude I'd been over the past five weeks. Was I the asshole in this scenario? Sure, I'd been defending Parker, but that was no excuse for me to be mean. Be the bigger person. My stepbrother's voice echoed in my head, taunting me.
I cleared my throat, feeling a little nervous as I realized, about three weeks too late, that Matt was right. I needed to be kind to this man, to get to know him, to understand where he was coming from. And that was so much scarier than fighting with him. As I studied him, realizing his eyes were glassy with tears, I tried to channel Matt's easygoing hippie energy, my stepfather's wisdom, my mom's logic, and empathy.
Maybe all Sutton needed was a compliment.
"You're fantastic with the kids," I said. "I don't think I could have gotten Sam to open up, and you did it in a matter of minutes."
He shrugged. "It wasn't a big deal. Sometimes, you have to know when to be quiet and let people talk in their own time, in their own way."
That was unexpected from someone who usually did so much talking. I zipped up my sleeping bag and stretched out on my back, the ache of the day's work making my body heavy and my head a little fuzzy. Overall, it had been a good day, made even better by Sutton's selfless actions. I stared at the bright green roof of the tent, listening as the nylon of Sutton's sleeping bag rustled while he got comfortable.
His size made the small tent feel even smaller. Once he was lying down, he seemed to take up all the available space, and oddly, I didn't really mind it. When I looked his way, he was staring at me.
Maybe he wanted more reassurance.
"What you did was a big deal, at least for Sam. I'm sure they'll remember your kindness for a long time and look back on this trip fondly. It was very cool of you. Don't think I didn't see the way you quietly talked to the other kids, making sure it wasn't a big deal."
"It was nothing. Anyone would have done it."
"You shouldn't minimize your actions. Not anyone would have done that. Hell, many people are horrible to kids like Sam. Not you, though. You're so supportive and encouraging of these kids. You're helping them all to be true to themselves."
Sutton smiled, looking oddly shy. "Thank you. I wish the camp was better set up for LGBTQ+ kids."
"How do you mean?"
"Sam had a point. Why is everything at camp so divided into binary genders? Why not mix boys and girls? Or provide space for kids who identify in other ways?"
"You should bring this up with Matt. He needs to hear these things."
"He wouldn't be able to change it, would he? All the buildings and activities are set up a certain way."
"He might. What if I set up a meeting with him? It'll be low-key, nothing to stress over."
He nodded, staring at the ceiling of the tent.
"It's incredible how passionate you are about advocating for these kids. I wish you'd do the same for yourself and your identity."
Sutton sighed, and I could see him tense up beside me. "It's… complicated."
"No one here is going to judge your sexuality, Sutton. It's okay to admit you're not straight. I'm queer too. I get it." I watched Sutton's expression shutter and realized I'd been an asshole. Why did I always have to push?
"I didn't say that," he muttered, rolling onto his side, facing away from me. His broad shoulders trembled slightly, and I regretted my words. Maybe that's what he'd been telling me a moment ago.
"Is it okay if we don't talk about this right now?" Sutton asked, his voice cracking. Sometimes you have to know when to be quiet and let other people talk in their own way. His words echoed in my mind, making me feel worse about the turn the conversation had taken. My heart ached, and I reached out to offer comfort. But doubt crept in, and I hesitated, my hand hovering above his arm, never quite making contact.
"Of course," I said softly, retreating to my space. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I didn't mean to do that."
He took a shaky breath. "Thanks," he whispered.
"I won't push again, okay? I get it."
"Even if I still insist that I'm straight?"
I laughed. "I'm pansexual, man. Crushing on straight guys is my hobby." I blinked. "Not that I have a crush on you. We can barely stand each other. Not that I hate you, either. Right, you know what I mean…. Anyway." Holy shit, what was I saying? I blew out a breath.
"Got it," he said.
I glanced over at Sutton and decided to take a different approach. "I brought a book with me," I said, reaching into my backpack and pulling out the small paperback. "Obviously. Never without a book! Would you like me to read it aloud? It helps me sleep. Maybe it'd help you, too? Not that you need help." I willed myself to stop talking before my word vomit made things even worse.
"Sure," Sutton replied. "Is it the same book you were reading at the campfire?"
I cleared my throat and opened the book to the first page, ignoring my bookmark. "Actually, yes. This is in the Mages of Aleron series. And I don't have book one, but I think this one is better if you start from the beginning."
"Depends on how quickly you get to that sex scene," he muttered.
I grinned, happy that he was already distracted. I thought back to how worked up he'd gotten at the bonfire. "It's all the hotter if you know the full story."
"You don't mind rereading it?"
"I was already rereading it, so it's no big deal. I love to read my favorites again and again! Anyway, it's about Prince Nathaniel, who has been kidnapped. The cranky ogre, Farog, is his love interest and was hired for the rescue."
"Shut up and read, ."
I bit my lip to hold back a smile, then adjusted my camping lantern and started. "Nathaniel was unlike any prince that the kingdom had known, and it wasn't because he preferred the company of men. He was quite dashing, brilliant, and handsome. Far and above superior to all of his siblings, at least in his own eyes. So, you can see why I regretted rescuing him." I read on, my voice growing softer as I became more engrossed in the story.
With each passing word, Sutton's body seemed to relax. By the time I'd reached the part where the irate ogre dangled the obnoxious Nathaniel over a cliff, threatening to shut him up the permanent way, Sutton was snoring softly. I turned off the lamp, plunging our tiny tent into darkness. I felt a sense of accomplishment. For a little while, I'd transported Sutton away from his troubles and into a realm where he could be free to be himself.
I tucked my sweatshirt pillow under my head and settled on my side, facing Sutton, who was still facing away from me. I'd only have to move a foot or so, and I'd be spooning him. Sutton shifted in his sleep, his leg brushing against mine through the fabric of our sleeping bags. Rather than moving away, I allowed my leg to remain pressed against his, basking in the warmth and comfort that the simple touch provided.
"Goodnight, Sutton," I whispered.
Just as I was about to drift off, his soft voice broke the silence. "You're good at that. Your voice is nice." He moved a little, shifting even closer, until the lower half of his sleeping bag was against mine. It was probably nothing, perhaps it was the size of the tent forcing our bodies closer, but I didn't mind.
I smiled at him through the dark. "It gets spicy in a few chapters. You can finally find out how addicted Nathaniel gets to Farog's cock."
His laugh was soft and relaxed, and after a moment, he reached out a hand, brushing it against mine. I let our hands rest like that, barely touching, and tried not to let my overactive mind fret about what it meant.