Sutton
I t's true what they say about eavesdropping; it never ends well, and this situation was no exception. But who could blame me? After the camping trip, I was dying to know if Ben had changed his opinion of me, and I couldn't very well ask outright.
The first thing I learned was that it was completely unsettling to listen to your ex-boyfriend give your crush permission to fuck you.
"Nah, I don't want to be with someone who isn't out." Ben's response to Parker's encouragement made my heart squeeze in a strange way. "The whole pretending thing is too stressful for me. Besides, I'm not interested in guys who have no value other than sex. And is… I don't know, an entitled prick?"
"He definitely went to prep school." Parker sounded thrilled about dishing the gossip. "He has those douchebag vibes. Now that I have Ravi, it's a little difficult to remember what I ever saw in ."
My heart did something weird and fluttery, and, for no reason at all, I lost my grip on the water bottle in my hand. It went clattering to the floor, startling them to my presence.
Before anything more could happen, I stalked off, trying to erase Ben's words from my mind, not even bothering to pick up the water bottle. This fucking crush was becoming unbearable. Was that why they called them crushes? I suppose there was a cliché about that, too.
Straightening my shoulders, I decided I needed to get the fuck out of camp. The session break was around the corner, and I was going to drive as far as I needed to get some hot, no-strings-attached sex. Nothing quieted my mind faster than being stuffed full of a stranger's cock.
Besides, I shouldn't have been insulted by the conversation. I was an entitled prick. Or it was better if they thought of me like that, anyway. I walked to the end of the dock and considered jumping in, clothes and all.
Phone and all. What would the asshole do if I fried my phone? Stalk me to camp?
Or ruin Parker's life?
My stomach heaved, and I fought the urge to throw up as I carefully kicked off my sneakers and sat down on the edge of the wood planks, taking slow, steadying breaths. I skimmed my toes in the water, trying to center my thoughts on the cool sensation against my skin.
I was okay. Ben didn't need to like me. It was better that way. Better than daydreaming about snuggling him in the tent, and kissing him until he rethought his stance on waiting for the right person to have sex with.
So what if Ben had spent the entire backpacking trip reading to me every time my anxiety spiked? So what if he'd told me bedtime stories that set my body on fire? So what if I'd mistaken that for something other than what it was? Hell, he was probably happy he'd found a way to shut me up. I swirled my toes in the water, fighting an intense loneliness that threatened to overwhelm me.
Footsteps thumped on the dock behind me as someone approached, and I knew it was Ben without looking—his scuffed flip-flops and frayed jeans were as familiar to me as anything. I shouldn't be able to recognize a guy by his feet, but this was Ben. I knew all of Ben's details, down to the cute freckle on his right pinkie toe.
He said nothing as he settled beside me and sat there for the longest time, swinging his feet in the water, his elbow brushing lightly against mine. I wondered if my inability to provide a satisfactory answer was frustrating him, stopping him from speaking.
Or perhaps he'd listened to me when I'd asked him not to push.
"Why did you stop reading to me?" Why was that the question that spilled from my lips?
He didn't answer, and for a moment I wondered if he'd heard me. "I didn't know you wanted me to keep going. It felt awkward once we got back to the cabin, and Parker and Ravi were there. We were out of our little bubble, and you stopped talking to me, and it threw me off. Made me question whether or not I knew you at all." He bumped my shoulder with his.
"So I'm not an entitled prick?"
To my surprise, Ben laughed. "You kind of are. And sometimes, I'm able to convince myself that's some kind of armor you wear to protect yourself from whatever you're afraid of. Other times, you stop talking to me, and I'm not so sure. And you should know by now that sometimes I allow my anxiety to get the better of me."
"You have anxiety?"
He raised his eyebrows at me. "You're kidding, right? Why do you think I spend all my time reading? Hint: it's because sometimes the book world is better than the real world. Things are set. I know there'll be a happy ending."
"Oh." Suddenly, a lot about Ben made more sense, and I wondered why I hadn't seen it before. "I'm sorry I didn't know that."
"I have medication I take for it, so it's more manageable than it has been. The pills don't cure it, but they lessen it."
"I thought you were mad at me. And then you started avoiding me, and I heard you say that…" My voice broke before I could say that.
"Fuck, I'm so sorry I said those things. I know that's not you, and I feel like an asshole. I didn't know what to do when Parker offered…" Ben blushed, ducking his chin.
I shrugged. "He wasn't wrong. When he said I'd be a good fuck."
Ben smirked at me. "There's no way you want to fuck me. I'm self-aware enough to know that I always say exactly the wrong thing to you."
"No, you don't." I liked Ben's moments of random word vomit. When he was talking too much, I always knew where I stood with him.
He eyed me. "Should I make a list? Let's see here, I yelled at whoever was on your phone."
"He deserved it."
"It upset you."
I smiled, twirling my toes in the water. "It made me smile. You didn't see that part, because I drove off. My fault." No one ever stood up to my father like that. But Ben had. Of course, Ben hadn't known who he'd been yelling at, but the fact that he'd called my dad out on his rudeness had been enough for me.
Ben was staring down at the water. "I lied to you. I made up all of those rules to avoid you."
"What? There's not really a reason to guard the door of the art cabin?"
"You knew?" he gasped, as if his lies hadn't been absurd enough to be completely obvious. "Well, I shouldn't have pressed you about your sexuality. Everyone comes out in their own time. I know that."
"You shouldn't have, but you did it out of kindness. You wanted me to feel free to be myself."
"I keep threatening to spank you."
"Kinda sexy, if we're being honest."
"And now I called you an entitled prick!"
"Have you spent the last week over-analyzing every goddamn thing you said and did?"
"More like the last eternity," Ben said, laughing softly. "If that amount of overthinking stresses you out, you don't want to know what's really going on in my head."
"I don't get it. Sure, you said something that was wrong, but it was fine. We all say the wrong thing sometimes. It's what happened afterwards that mattered to me. In the tent, you read me that story, you made it better." Impulsively, I laid my head on his shoulder. "And you came here to find me, to apologize."
"I am sorry," he murmured, scooting closer to me. "If that was a hint."
His hand slid up my back, and I bit back a pleased sigh. "Look, I know I'm gay," I said, taking a shaky breath. "Like, really gay. It's hard for me to even fathom being sexually attracted to a woman."
"Okay." Ben was quiet for a moment, kicking his feet in the water. Then he shifted against me a little, throwing me off balance. I laughed as I tumbled into his lap.
When I went to sit back up, he pressed my shoulder down, and I went with it. I rolled over, adjusting my feet so I was sideways across the dock, on my back, looking up at him, his firm thighs supporting my head.
"You're very pretty," he said, running his thumb down my jaw and across my lower lip. "I don't like to see you sad."
"Really? Because maybe you shouldn't call people douchebags if you don't want them to be said."
"I said prick, I think," Ben said, brushing my hair off my forehead, then twirling his fingers in the soft strands. "Parker was the one who said douchebag."
"Oh. Right. Much better." I didn't even know what I was saying, because I never wanted him to stop touching me. Ever.
"Is it not true?"
"Worse. It's way too true."
"Well, admitting it is the first step to getting better." Ben beamed down at me. "There are solutions. For example, have you considered not being a prick?"
I smiled. "That one never occurred to me. Where do I start?"
He burst out laughing. "Um, is that difficult to figure out? Maybe they have remedial anti-douchebag classes somewhere."
I turned my head, looking out at the water, blinking back tears, and he cupped my chin, forcing me to look at him, his eyes serious once again.
", I know you're a good person. I know you know how to be kind. And I didn't mean to hurt you. I fucked up. I could just as easily have told Parker what I see in you."
My breath caught. "What do you see?"
Ben's hand slid down to my throat, holding me gently as he forced me to look up at him, to make eye contact. At this distance, his eyes were streaks of molten gold and burnt umber, and it was beautiful. I could look into his eyes for days. "I think you might be really amazing. And it scares the shit out of me."
"Why?"
"It was so much easier when I could fight with you. Now that I want to do other things, I'm trapped in indecision."
He leaned down, his hand still wrapped around my jaw, and I pressed my chin up, hoping for a kiss. "If it's romance you're thinking about, you need to be careful. I don't do romance, I only like to fuck," I whispered. "That was Parker's mistake."
"Well, I only do romance. I'm a virgin who reads romance novels as a hobby. I've been waiting for the right person," he said, his lips millimeters from mine.
"I'm not the right person." But fuck, I wished I was. He was a virgin. I could be the only one in the world with whom he'd done this. That gave me some weirdly primal urges to climb into his lap and show him exactly what it could be like.
"That's for me to decide. Can I kiss you?"
I smirked at him. "I'm in your lap. Do you really have to ask?"
"Of course," he said. "Because I want you to know what it means when I kiss you. And I want you to fucking beg for it, anyway."
"What does it mean, then?" I whispered, staring into his eyes. I'd never had this much conversation about a kiss in my life. I didn't hate it.
He grinned. "It means we're doing this my way. The romance way."
I blinked up at him, my cheeks and body growing hot for him. Because, after those two nights in the tent, listening to his book, I knew exactly what his idea of romance was. "But I'm not the boyfriend type."
"My way or no kiss," he said firmly, leaning in close, so his breath was brushing my lips, tempting me. Somehow, I knew already that kissing Ben would be the end of everything I thought I wanted. And it was inevitable.
"Ben," I whined. "You know you want to."
"Ask nicely."
I met his eyes and blew out a frustrated breath. "Fine. Kiss me, please."
He was close enough that I could feel his lips curl into a smile. "I knew you could be a good boy."
"I'm not a good boy. I'm a brat," I grumped.
His soft laughter against my lips filled me with a warm, fluttery sensation. His hand tightened around my jaw, controlling me, holding me where he needed me so he could devour my mouth with a slow, focused intensity that was exactly what I should have expected from Ben, and yet somehow still a surprise. He was savoring me the way he savored his books, like he wanted to memorize every sensory detail. His tongue was tasting, exploring, and owning me, his lips and teeth claiming my mouth as his own.
My hands slipped up around his neck as I arched up, suddenly needing to be closer. I hadn't known a kiss could feel like this, and I was afraid of how much I wanted more.
Too soon, he lifted his head and stared down at me, his hand tightening around my throat.
"You will not hit on Parker. Is that understood?"
"Yes," I said, smirking at him.
"Tell me why that's a rule."
"Because Parker and Ravi are falling madly in love and they're fucking adorable, and don't need an asshole like me ruining that."
"Good point, but no, that's not it." He tangled his fingers in my hair, forcing me to stay where I was. I could overpower him if I wanted to, but the thrill of being pinned like this was too sexy.
"Why, then?"
"Because you can't hit on other guys when you belong to someone, brat." Without waiting for me to argue, to insist that I wasn't the relationship type, he claimed me, devoured me, his tongue thrusting forcefully into my mouth. I whimpered and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. His hands slid around the back of my head and held me exactly where he wanted me as he ravaged my mouth. I clung to his shoulders, digging my finger into the hard muscle there, heat and arousal racing through my body, making my cock rock hard.
When he lifted his head, I whimpered, trying to press up and take more, but he held me where I was. "If only I could figure out what to do with you."
"You could fuck me."
Ben laughed. "No. Like I said, I'm waiting for the right person."
"And I'm not the right person?" Why had my voice come out so whiny?
"Is that what I said?" He hit me with a direct stare that spoke volumes.
I swallowed hard. "If I'm the right person, you don't have to wait for anything. I'm a slut."
He snorted, then gently lifted me out of his lap and stood, reaching out a hand and tugging me to my feet. "You're spending the session break with me."
"I actually have plans for the break," I said, pulling a pouty face.
"Fuck, you are a brat!" He turned away and started walking back to camp, expecting me to follow, like always. "Your plans can be canceled."
I jogged to catch up to him. "No, they can't."
"Researching the glory hole at the most popular gay bar in Seattle does not count as plans."
"Shit. How did you know that? You weren't looking at my phone, were you?" I asked, gaping at him.
He blinked, spinning to meet my eyes. "That was a joke, . It was meant to be ridiculous."
"Oh. Um. Yeah, I was definitely not fantasizing about getting fucked by dozens of anonymous cocks through a hole in a bathroom stall. That would be insane." I gave an awkward laugh, and he shook his head, pulling me roughly against him.
"Anonymous cock is not what you need anymore, . You need romance."
He was dead wrong, but he said it in that sexy, dominant voice that made me want to agree.