Chapter Twelve
Genie
I knew better.
I knew something would happen. I knew it. I still agreed to the mating. I agreed to be the Luna of a dysfunctional pack because it's my dysfunctional mate's pack. And now I'm dysfunctional, too. I can't decide if I'm more angry or hurt or ashamed.
Goddess, I'm so stupid. I never should have stepped foot on Cross lands again. I should have told my father no and I should have told Drew Cross to go fuck himself the second I saw him in that clearing.
I hope he's as miserable as he looks.
My wolf stirs.
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do. I mean every word of it. I hope they're both miserable. I hope they're as miserable as I am.
Rejected again. Twice! Has that ever happened before?
“You don't need to go,” my mother says softly, gently plucking the brush from my hand to take over untangling the mass of knots from my unruly hair. “You will be alright without it. You will find another alpha, my love. They are already lining up.”
“Out of pity,” I say bitterly. “Or opportunity.”
I'm no catch now. No prize. I know that.
My mother may not be ready to accept it, but I am sure of it.
I would rather hide away in my wolf than bother with any of the pack responsibilities being forced on me.
If I could run into the forest on four paws without consequences, I'd never come back.
It would be worth it. I don't feel the hurt of Drew's rejection when I lose myself in my wolf.
She stirs again and her eyes stare back at me in my reflection in the mirror. Do you think I don't feel the sting?
My cheeks heat with shame. Of course my wolf isn't immune to the pain. Drew is her mate as much as he is mine. I wish I could protect both of us from this cold reality. I can't, though. And I've been very selfish with her. She doesn't deserve to carry the weight of this.
There are consequences to spending an unbalanced amount of time in one form or another.
I have been wolf more than I've been human for the past two years.
The consequences are becoming more obvious and more difficult to deal with.
I have always had a good relationship with my wolf.
She and I take care of each other. But since Drew's first rejection I have fallen further and further into a dark depression, made worse by what happened at the Summit when Parker simultaneously saved me from those guys and made me realize that I would never be good enough for Drew Cross.
I don't really understand the problem with Drew and Parker.
I don't particularly like Parker, but if he's Drew's Second I would have tolerated him.
A Luna is the soul of her pack. She has to care for everyone under her care, that doesn't necessarily mean she has to like them.
I don't like Parker, but I would have been his Luna.
Everyone talks about them, Drew and Parker.
They're friends. They're family. They're lovers.
They're ex-lovers. I've heard it all, and I believe all of it.
It's obvious that they care about each other.
Drew cares more about Parker than he will ever care about anyone else, otherwise he wouldn't have rejected me, his Goddess-blessed mate, twice.
Twice.
Parker can keep Drew, as far as I'm concerned.
I just need to do whatever I have to do to ensure that my pack will be okay.
I am my father's heir. Not because I'm the oldest, but because I'm the only.
If my parents had had a son at some point, I would have gladly handed him the title with a bow on it.
But they didn't and now it's all up to me.
If my father's line is to remain the Alpha line, then I will need to mate with a suitable alpha and produce the next heir.
The agreements and treaties that have kept the territories at peace are only good if that alpha is Drew Cross.
I've done my part. I have gone beyond what any other female would do.
I gave him another chance when he didn't really deserve the first one.
If he had come to me and told me that Parker was his partner and he only needed me to produce an heir, it would have hurt, but I could have borne it out of necessity.
He could have kept his lover and I would have taken one of my own.
We would have done what was required of us when I went into heat and we wouldn't have needed to spend time together outside of pack business after our heir was born.
It would have been fine. It really would have.
But then fate stepped in.
And he humiliated me. He humiliated my pack. Parker did it again at the Summit. Now this latest embarrassment. It's too much. Drew Cross can go fuck himself, Goddess-blessed or not.
It's getting harder to shift back from my wolf form.
It's like she knows I can't take much more.
She and I both know that I might not survive another heat without a mate.
Not with my sanity intact. Heats are horrible for her, too.
We've tried it both ways. I can't bear for other males to come near me, much less touch me, because I know I have a mate.
It was easier for her at first because she didn't care about mates or ceremonies and she was stronger than I was, but the strain has taken a toll on her and it's getting worse with each solo heat.
We need a mate. We need him soon. Before my next heat if possible, because I've already decided to retreat and hand over control to her permanently if Recovery doesn't work.
Maybe I'll resurface again one day. I've told my father.
He can't stop what's happening to me. He can still command me to shift back, but not for much longer. Recovery is my only option.
“There,” my mother says, smoothing a hand down my hair. “All tidy. What if you met with him, Genie? Just you and Drew. You could talk and come up with a solution without an audience.”
I sigh and meet her eyes in the mirror. “He won't come without Parker.”
“Make him. Make it a requirement.”
I laugh and it isn't pleasant. “I can't require him to do anything, Mom.”
“Yes, you can,” she says firmly. “You are his Luna. You can require many things of him.”
I shake my head slowly. “I'm not, though.
He rejected me. I'm not his Luna. I don't understand. Is there something wrong with me? I did everything I was supposed to do. Everything. I stayed away from other males. I trained. I took my education so seriously that I barely have any friends. I did everything I was meant to do to be a good, desirable, proper mate for Drew Cross. And it was a waste.”
She wraps her arms around me and her warm scent forming a soft, protective cloud. “I know you did. This isn't your fault.”
“But I still have to pay for it.”
***
I leave before the sun rises. I don't pack much, just some clothes and a picture of my parents.
I remember when the picture was taken, I took it myself.
It was taken the day after my first successful voluntary shift.
I remember the rush I was still riding from running with the pack for the first time.
I remember how proud my parents were. I remember feeling my future stretching out so brightly in front of me.
I remember the joy of that moment, and I need to keep the reminder close to me now more than ever.
Recovery is one part therapy and healing and one part strength training in the physical and metaphysical sense.
The program is supposed to help those of us who have troubles of one kind or another with our wolves or any number of other issues.
But mostly it's for our wolves. So that we can avoid being banished from our packs and becoming rogue.
Which is why the program has the nickname Rogue to Recovery.
I don't want to become a rogue, but Drew's rejection has cursed me with an uncertain future.
I'll do whatever I can to fix this, including this program.
There is an intense focus on working through and healing whatever problem our human counterparts have that result in an unbalanced relationship with our wolves, or an unbalanced functionality.
Some people get lost in their wolves when they are grieving, or if something truly horrific has happened to them.
Their wolves will choose to step in to protect them, and the work is centered around helping the human become strong enough again so that the wolf can rest. Other people refuse to shift because their wolf is traumatized and it's their way of protecting the wolf.
Still others are afraid of giving their wolf control.
Maybe something happened when they were wolves that scared them, or they know their wolf is too violent to control.
There are lots of reasons to go to Recovery.
Including mine.
Sometimes I can actually feel myself getting weaker.
It scares me and then I shift because she's much stronger than I am.
She knows I'm afraid. She only wants to protect me.
But it won't take long before I'm too weak to take back control and she knows it.
She also knows that more often than not, the only thing stopping me from losing myself in her completely is my duty to my pack.
If I give in, my line dies out and then my pack will become weak.
It will flounder in the face of having no leader.
A wolf can technically lead a pack without shifting, but navigating the human end of things is difficult, or impossible.
Wolves can't negotiate treaties as well as they can enforce them.
Wolves can't go to banks or schools or hospitals, not in any truly functional capacity.
There are lots of things that wolves can do that humans can't, but for packs to run properly, both counterparts need to be available.