Chapter Twelve #2
There are days when I'm running through the forest or hunting that I don't ever want to be human again.
My human heart is weaker than my wolf's heart.
Every time I shift, my reluctance to return to my human form makes it harder and harder to resurface.
I'm too young to feel this heavy. I should have already claimed my place as Luna and joined mine and Drew's pack together by now.
I would have at least one pup with probably more on the way.
I would be living the life I was destined to live.
I don't know exactly what Drew's problem with me is.
He didn't even look at me. Either time. I'm not vain about my looks, I never have been, but for him to not bother to put his eyes on me is insulting.
Every time I think about it, I get angry all over again.
Parker's eyes have been all over me. I wonder if he's described me to Drew? If he even asked for a description.
Parker Merritt wouldn't be so bad if he kept his mouth shut and his arrogance in check.
I am the daughter of the Alpha of my pack, the least he could manage to do is respect my position.
Maybe this is for the best after all, because I don't think I could spend the rest of my life going to war with him over Drew.
He's such a judgmental, condescending, arrogant.
.. I think it's probably best for all of us that Drew rejected me.
I can feel the stress from having to deal with him every single day and it isn't even a reality that I'll have to deal with.
Recovery will be good for me. I know people who have been through the program.
It's designed to handle the physical needs of our wolves while helping us work through our human issues.
Everyone I know who has gone through Rogue to Recovery has come out of it better and stronger.
That's what I need. Recovery will give me peace and help me find acceptance.
I might even find a suitable mate there.
That has happened frequently enough. I'll go and work hard.
Once I have a healthy balance with my wolf again, I'll leave and do whatever I need to in order to take care of my pack.
I think my pack and Pack Cross have enjoyed the peace between us for long enough that neither side is going to be too quick to leap back into war.
There will always be the typical discrepancies, but nothing that a simple meeting won't solve.
I will find a mate and we will do our best to work with Drew and Parker, or whoever Drew ends up with, to ensure that our people will remain safe and happy. It will work out. It has to.
*
There are only a handful of people gathered in the courtyard when I get there.
My status allows me the choice of a single or a shared room.
I choose the single. What I don't need is a stranger giving me their opinion on my life, and if I've learned anything about people, strangers or otherwise, that's what they do best. The beta running the registration desk gives me my registration paperwork and door code and sends me to find my room in the residential dorms.
This seems so stupid. Now that I'm here, I'm second guessing my decision to come.
Maybe I don't need this program as much as I thought I did.
This place reeks of regret and desperation, and I can't bear the thought that I might be either of those things.
The situation with my wolf isn't as much of a problem as some of the people here seem to be having.
All she and I need is to balance ourselves with the right Alpha and we'll be okay.
Things might be stressed as far as the other packs go, especially Pack Cross, but that's what the Elders and council are for.
Mates reject each other all the time and no one else gets involved.
The only reason there's so much attention on this rejection is the treaties that were signed before either Drew or I even knew what treaties were.
My room isn't any different than any of the others I passed on the way here.
The only difference is that there is one bed instead of two.
I know that there are other residential areas for people with higher status, but those are reserved for those who need longer stays.
I don't know how long I'll be here, but it won't be long enough to need a suite or apartment.
I don't want to be comfortable here. I want to do what I need to do and get out. I'm barely going to unpack as it is.
After leaving my bag on the small dresser, I go back to the courtyard where more people have gathered.
It still isn't a lot, but more than I thought there would be; and it makes me wonder how messed up some of these packs are that so many young wolves need Recovery.
Surely this many of us aren't close to turning rogue at any given moment.
Wouldn't the Elders and Alphas be more concerned if this many of us have become this unbalanced?
They would act to fix things, wouldn't they?
Like, as a whole instead of one wolf at a time going through Recovery when they feel cornered into doing it.
I look at every face I can among the people milling around in small clumps.
Only a few look truly stressed. Most just look indifferent or resigned.
I don't know how I look. I feel resigned more than anything, thoroughly disappointed, and more than a little irritated – all dusted with a thin layer of sad exhaustion.
I didn't ask for this. It isn't fair that I should have to endure it.
I did everything that was expected of me.
There are probably a hefty few people in this courtyard who feel the same way.
The unfairness is what's going to make this harder.
The crowd shifts at the same time the breeze picks up for half a second, but it's enough.
I knew this was a possibility, but I didn't think it would really happen.
It's his fault that I'm like this and now I have to be here with him?
With them. They are the reason I'm like this.
They are the reason I'm here. They are the reason my pack is broken, the reason everything is off balance.
And now I'm stuck in this program with them until I can find a way to fix this mess.
I was rejected. It's my first thought every morning and it's the last thing that crawls through my mind before I go to sleep at night.
“I reject my mate.” And there he is now, walking through the crowd of the troubled like he isn't one of us.
Like he's above us. With Parker right by his side.
I'm not surprised. Parker is as much to blame as Drew.
I'd like to give him most of the blame, but Drew had the choice to accept me and he chose Parker instead. He didn't have to make that choice.
I'm leaving.
I can't stay here with them. It isn't even because of my pride because I don't have much of that left.
It's the hurt. The pain in my chest when he said those words never faded regardless of the years between then and now.
The closer proximity just makes it hurt worse.
I can't do this for a week, much less the multiple weeks or even months that I may need to be here.
He stops halfway through the courtyard, rubbing his chest and looking around.
I take a small step backward, trying to duck behind the broad back of the male closest to me, but it's too late.
Drew may not know what I look like but Parker certainly does and his eyes clash with mine, accusation front and center.
I hold his gaze. I'm not dropping mine. It's his fault Drew's heart feels like it's full of broken glass and lead, not mine.
I'm a sad ruin, but I refuse to accept the blame for something he caused.
Parker rolls his eyes and keeps urging Drew through the crowd. He can roll his eyes if he wants to, he's still the one to look away first.