Chapter 13 #2
“Thank you. I hope it shows up like that when I get the real thing. I’ve always thought the African violet was pretty, but”—I looked at my wrist in the dark—“I didn’t know what I was going to get tattooed on me when I put ‘get a tattoo’ on the list. But the moment Aunt Addy got hers, I knew I wanted to get a matching one. ”
“So, if you didn’t know what you wanted to get, what made you put it on the list?” he questioned.
I rolled onto my back. “I wanted to do something painful.”
He was completely silent for a few seconds. “Are you—are you a masochist?”
The concern in his voice made me laugh out loud.
“No, I…” I hesitated for only a second, and then my truth poured out of me.
“Everything on the list my aunt and I came up with is symbolic of where I was, where I am, and where I’m going.
Getting a tattoo after being scared it would hurt is me facing the pain head-on.
It’s me proving to myself that not only can I take it, but I can also survive it, and something beautiful can come out of it.
It represents pain I’ve overcome. And after Aunt Addy said it didn’t hurt, she said that she would look at it and remember that pain doesn’t last forever.
And that was really powerful for me.” I realized how I must’ve sounded and closed my eyes. “My bad, I was rambling.”
“No, you’re good. I love when you get going. You give me a peek at what’s in that head of yours. It’s even better when it’s something personal and you really open up. So thank you for sharing.”
“You’re easy to talk to.”
“You’re easy to listen to.” He paused. “And I like when you let me in.”
My lower body clenched. I’m trying to let you in again.
I bit my lip to keep my thoughts to myself, but I felt my truth about to bubble out of me.
A thump in the other room crashed me down to reality.
Aunt Addy!
“Hey, I need to check on my aunt,” I said in a rush, pushing the covers off me and scrambling to my feet. “I have to go.”
“Let me know if you need anything.”
My heart thudded in my chest. “I will, thank you, bye.”
Guilt weighed me down. I’d been so busy swooning on the phone that I’d gotten distracted from what mattered most—being there for my aunt.
Ending the call as I opened my aunt’s door, I found her sleeping soundly and the TV remote control and her Bible on the floor.
In the glow of the reruns on the screen, she looked peaceful.
I picked up everything from the floor and then watched my aunt carefully.
Her cheeks were hollowed and her body looked frail, but she was just sleeping.
Thank God, I exhaled heavily.
Blinking back tears, I quietly backed out of the room, closing the door.
The thought of something happening to her was terrifying, but the guilt of being distracted and happy while she was in the next room hurting, or in pain, or dying was soul crushing.
Climbing into bed, I remembered what Aunt Addy had said about not feeling guilty. But I couldn’t help it.
Lamar Anderson: Everything okay?
Jazmyn Payne: I heard something fall and I was worried. But it was just some stuff she had on the bed.
Lamar Anderson: Okay good, I’m glad to hear it. Your voice sounded off, so I just wanted to make sure.
Jazmyn Payne: Thank you for checking on me. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I have to wake up in five minutes.
Lamar Anderson: You don’t ever have to thank me for checking on you. And if you need anything, let me know. Even if I can’t be there, I can send whatever you need. Get your rest.
Jazmyn Payne: Thank you, Lamar. I appreciate you saying that. Good night!
Lamar Anderson: I mean it. I got you. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I’m here. Good night.
I momentarily closed my eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.
His words swam in my head and my heart. Trying not to think about the way he affected me, I connected my phone to the charger and then pulled the sheet over my shoulders.
I didn’t have the words to fully describe how his energy made me feel.
All I knew was that I wanted to go to sleep and forget the conflicting feelings that stirred within me.
Go to sleep, I chastised myself as I tossed and turned.
Waking up early for that first class was tough, but the happiness on my aunt’s face when I returned made it worth it.
The warmth I felt wasn’t riddled with guilt, and I let that keep me too busy to have phone conversations with Lamar.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, preseason kept him too busy to call until two days later.
I told him I couldn’t talk, but I could text.
That was my excuse for the next few days because I couldn’t bring myself to get on the phone with him.
Even though I texted with him every night and thought of him every day, hearing his voice would be too distracting.
And I couldn’t afford to get distracted.
“What do you have going on over there?” Aunt Addy asked as I’d just texted a goodnight message to Lamar.
“About to go to bed so I can be ready for my lesson on techniques in the morning.”
Her smile grew. “You seem so much more confident about your lessons now.”
I nodded. “I am.”
By the end of the first week, I felt like I had become much more comfortable in the water.
When I told Aunt Addy over Sunday dinner, she said she wanted to see me swim.
So, on the Monday of my second week, much to Monica’s displeasure, Aunt Addy was in attendance.
It was the first time she’d been out of the house in a while.
Other than us sitting in her backyard, enjoying the garden, she hadn’t wanted to leave the comforts of home until now.
“You’re getting good,” Aunt Addy complimented me as I climbed out of the pool. “You have one week down, and you’re already looking like a mermaid.”
Laughing, I wrapped my towel around me. “A mermaid?”
“Yes, very beautiful. Very little leg movement. All arms.”
I cackled. “Okay, but I’m getting better! I’m convinced I’ll be able to swim before I leave Chance. Me and the water are becoming one.”
“I believe it! Speaking of water, have you talked to your friends? I thought after our talk last week, I would’ve heard you on the phone with someone.”
I froze, caught off guard by the question. “Um, I’ve sent some texts.”
“Have you told your friends or Lamar that you’re a swimmer now?”
“Yeah…” I studied her face. “Where did that come from?” I asked, confused.
She reached out for me. “Relationships, all relationships, need water to grow.”
“I’m watering my relationships.” I took her hand, squeezing it. “I’ve been a little … sad, so I haven’t talked to them that much, but I’m watering them.”
“I’m not just talking about them,” she said gently. “You need water, too. Don’t close yourself off from people who love you because you’re sad. Let people in. Let yourself be watered.” She squeezed my hand. “Let yourself be loved on.”
“You did a good job in there,” Monica said, interrupting Aunt Addy’s stirring words.
I took a small step back, blinking the tears away. “Thank you.”
Monica flashed a quirky smile. “Addison said you looked like a mermaid, and I couldn’t unsee it.”
I snickered. “Yeah, she told me. I’m going to work on kicking my legs tomorrow.”
“She was all arms out there, but she was moving!” Aunt Addy added as the two ladies laughed a little too hard. “Monica and I are going to head home. I’ll make you some bacon.”
“I can’t eat bacon,” I reminded her. “Temporary vegetarian.”
“Oh shoot, that’s right!” She shook her head. “I know you wanted to prove you can do hard things, but when you come back and the house smells like bacon, that’ll be the real test.”
I nodded. “And that’s a fact!”
We said our goodbyes, and I headed to the locker room to get changed.
Thinking about what Aunt Addison said about my friendships, I got to the car and looked at all the unanswered texts from my friends—even my work friends.
Only Aaliyah and Nina knew what was really going on, and I didn’t have the energy to fake it with everyone else.
I reread my last text conversation with Lamar, who knew nothing about my aunt’s condition and yet I didn’t have to fake anything with him.
I didn’t have to pretend to be happy or in good spirits; he made me happy and put me in good spirits.
On the drive to Aunt Addy’s house, I thought about all the messages and a knot formed in my belly.
I really haven’t been a good friend.
I parked beside Monica’s van, and I replied in the group chat with my girls. I then reread the last text from Lamar, realizing I’d never texted him back. Not really thinking about how it was before eight o’clock in the morning, I sent a message.
Jazmyn Payne: I owe you an explanation.
Lamar Anderson: About what? What are you doing right now?
Jazmyn Payne: Just finished my swim lesson. I’m sorry to text so early. What are you doing?
Lamar Anderson: I’m heading into the gym now.
Jazmyn Payne: I hope you have a good workout, and that work goes well today. Can you give me a call tonight?
Lamar Anderson: Yeah, it’ll be good to hear your voice.
My stomach fluttered.
Jazmyn Payne: Okay, talk soon!
I squeezed my eyes shut. It didn’t matter how many times I called him a friend or tried to play it cool, he gave me butterflies.
And that scared me.
I tucked my phone into my bag and went into the house. Aunt Addy was back in bed, so after a shower and changing into comfortable clothes, I went to sit in her room to watch TV with her. When she fell back asleep, I went to get something to snack on when I got a text.
Nina Ford: GIRL! Eleven o’clock! URGENT three-way call!
The capitalized girl told me everything I needed to know. Nina didn’t usually request an urgent conference call, so when my phone rang at eleven, I went to my room and was ready to hear whatever was going on.
And it was worth it.
Besides the belly laughs that I’d needed more than anything, Nina damn near confessed her love for a man.
She didn’t say it with her words, but she didn’t have to.
It was evident that it was different with him.
Nina kept a roster for her own reasons, and she enjoyed the company of all the men she entertained.
But I’d never heard her talk about a man the way she talked about the Fun One, as she called him.
It made me happy to hear her happy. It also made me curious because she was deviating from her multi-man plan.
What changed? I wondered as I listened to her gush.
“How about we focus on the fact that Aaliyah is turning thirty and the three of us will be reunited in a couple weeks,” Nina said, trying to get us off her back.
“It’ll be good to see you guys.” I sighed. “It’s been a long summer.”
We talked for the next twenty minutes. Aaliyah had to abruptly get off the phone because she was being summoned at work.
“Where are you now?” I asked Nina. “It’s almost time for your meeting.”
“I’m in the parking deck across the street. I’m meeting with Sasha in HR at noon. I have ten minutes before I need to head over.”
“Okay, good.” I went and stood by the window. Staring toward the neighbor’s yard, I suddenly got nervous. “So … I have a question.”
“What’s going on?” Nina asked carefully.
We went back and forth for a minute before I asked her what I really wanted to ask her. “Even if you like the person, how do you end it with someone you slept with?”
“Jazz…” She dragged my name out. “Are you sleeping with someone?”
My jaw dropped. “I didn’t say that!”
“You didn’t have to say it!”
“Your meeting is at noon, right? Because you have only seven minutes to get in there.”
“I’m crossing the street now. But back to you—”
“Back to you,” I countered, trying to throw her off my scent. “You stopped talking to the Romantic One because things were changing, but it sounds like things are changing with the Fun One, too. Are you planning on ending things with him?”
“No. Are you deflecting so I won’t ask about the mystery man you’ve been getting busy with in your hometown?”
I let out a dry laugh. “I’m getting off the phone.”
“Well, while you sit in denial, I’m going to give you some real talk. It’s about time you got them cobwebs cleared out. And don’t be more worried about hurting someone else’s feelings than you are about hurting your own. If it needs to end, end it. But don’t end it just because you’re scared.”
I froze.
My heartbeat was loud as the word scared vibrated through my entire body.
“Jazz?” she called out.
I cleared my throat. “I’m here.”
“Don’t be scared,” she repeated.
I bit my bottom lip. “You don’t be scared either.”
“I’m feeling really good and confident about today,” she declared. “Now that I’m here, I’m excited. Oh, I might lose you in the elevator.”
“I didn’t mean about the job,” I clarified. “Have a great first day! You got this! Bye, girl!”
I ended the call and tossed the phone on the bed behind me.
Still staring out the window, I just kept hearing the word scared echoing in my head.
Because I was scared.
Lamar scared me.