Chapter 14
Being “just friends” with Lamar meant eliminating the feelings that would complicate that friendship.
We genuinely clicked, so friendship with him was easy.
And because he was such a gentleman, he never made the conversation sexual or even referred to our sexual encounter.
If it weren’t for my feelings for him, I would’ve been able to convince myself that we had a regular friendship.
But when I started to explain to him why I’d been MIA, my throat closed up, and I lost my nerve.
I wasn’t able to say anything else for a myriad of reasons, and instead of pressuring me, he sat in silence with me.
After a few minutes had passed, he told me I didn’t owe him anything and we could sit on the phone for as long as I needed.
“If you need a distraction or if you want to talk about it, I’m here either way,” he told me gently.
That twenty-minute call changed everything.
We texted all week, but he didn’t call me again until Friday. Aunt Addy, Rose, and a couple of others were in the living room cutting up while Lamar and I spent two hours talking about our childhoods, our families growing up, and our passion for his project.
On Saturday evening, while my aunt had visitors, I lay across the bed and talked to Lamar about his lawyer and accountant obtaining the necessary licenses and permits.
I cheered about him officially registering his business name.
He was still months from an official launch, but I was so proud and wanted to celebrate him.
My cheeks hurt from how hard I was smiling.
With the faint sound of my aunt’s laughter in the background, it was easy to feel like everything was normal.
It didn’t hit me until Sunday, when I didn’t get a call from him, that the guilt that had plagued me for weeks had faded.
But when I answered his call on Monday night, the house was quiet, and I’d been tossing and turning in bed for an hour. The light, fun energy of the weekend had been replaced with a contemplative, vulnerable silence that made it impossible for me to rest. “Hello?”
“Why are you whispering?” Lamar asked.
Covering my mouth, I let out a laugh. “My aunt went to bed early, and the TV is off, so I’m just keeping my voice down.” I reclined against the pillows on my bed. “How are you?”
“Tired. But I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I sighed. “Tell me about your day.”
“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
A small smile pulled at my lips at the kindness in his words and the care in his voice. My eyes stung a little because I knew he was being sincere.
“Thank you,” I murmured. “Tell me about your day.”
“For preseason, it’s pretty much the same: workout, meetings, practice, game day, repeat.”
“You’re never very specific,” I pointed out.
“Neither are you,” he countered.
“What do you mean? I’ve talked to you at length about my job and the joy and pain of teaching teens.”
“Yeah, but I’m not talking about your job.”
Nerves tightened my belly. I didn’t know exactly what he was going to say next, but the way my body stiffened, I was bracing myself for it.
“You like me, and that’s why you act like this,” he said in a low, sexy tone.
I couldn’t help but giggle. “What?”
“Is that you denying you like me?”
“No, I’m not denying it,” I replied, trying to laugh it off. “I just … What does that have to do with anything?”
“Tell me something, and I’ll tell you something.”
Swallowing hard, I wondered aloud softly, “What do you want to know?”
“Everything. Whatever you want to tell me.”
I hesitated for a moment. I almost told him about Aunt Addy’s prognosis, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. “I was married,” I blurted.
“What?” He sounded shocked.
I scoffed, feigning offense. “Why are you surprised that someone wanted to marry me?”
“Nah. If anything, I’m surprised that someone would let you go.”
Grinning, I turned onto my side. “He didn’t have a choice. I divorced him.”
“I don’t doubt it. But I can’t believe he let it happen. You’re the whole package.”
“You lose what you don’t value, and he didn’t value what he had.”
“You gonna tell me the story, or you gonna keep being vague?” he challenged.
I nodded. “You’re right. But keep in mind that my parents drilled perfection into my head, so even though I left Chance, that misguided mindset came with me, and it took me a little while to grow out of that.
” I took a breath before continuing. “I met my ex in undergrad, and he asked me to marry him right after grad school. I said yes not because I thought he was the one but because it fit the perfect narrative. We separated three years later because I caught him cheating.” I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me.
“As soon as I saw the messages and the pictures, I called my aunt, and she connected me with her friend who’s a divorce lawyer. ”
“So, you just saw the messages and left? You didn’t talk to him about it, you just left?”
“There was nothing to talk about. But yeah, two days later, after I spoke with the lawyer and found an apartment to move into, I let him know that I was done.”
“Oh shit, that’s cold! I love it.”
“You love it?” I questioned skeptically.
“Yeah, too often people stay in shit they need to leave. You knew your worth and got up out of there. I love it.”
I smiled. “Thank you. Not everyone sees it like that, so I appreciate you.”
“Who wouldn’t have seen it like that?”
“My parents. A divorce doesn’t fit with their idea of perfection.”
“Ah. Understood. Parents can put some shit in your head, and it takes a long time to shake.”
“Yeah, exactly that.” I sighed, rolling onto my back. “You can relate?”
“My dad always talked about me getting to the league. And since there’s no family connection to get me in, I had to play a perfect game.
So that’s how I’ve approached football my whole life.
I’m proud of what I do, but when I got my job, for a long time, I downplayed it because it wasn’t my dad’s idea of perfect.
But then I realized perfect doesn’t exist and my dad would’ve been proud, and I let that shit go. ”
“Good. I’m glad you let it go and realized your dad would be proud of you regardless.”
“Yeah, I mean, there’s the fifty-three-man active roster and then the practice squad, but it’s all the same team. Anyone can get activated from the practice squad at any time and—”
I looked around the room incredulously because I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly. “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait … what?”
“I’m part of the scout team, the practice squad for the Maryland Monarchs. Well, it won’t be official until the end of the month, but yeah. I’ve been on the practice squad for the last few years.”
“You play professional football?”
He let out a light chuckle. “Yeah. Defensive tackle.”
I immediately thought about how when we’d met, I’d been talking shit about how the starting defensive tackle needed to tighten up. Well, damn.
“So, I knew you worked for the Monarchs. This whole time I thought you were a consultant or something. But you are a football player. That’s wild!”
“Okay, you sound a little too shocked. I don’t look the part?”
I snickered. “No, you look like a football player. I told you when we met, you look like you play defense. But it’s just funny to me that when you said your day consisted of working out, meetings, and then practice, it never crossed my mind that you were on the field.
” I paused. “Probably because we spent the summer going over your business plan. It was giving front-of-house consultant job.”
“I can see that,” he conceded with a chuckle.
“And I’ll get there. That’s what I’m moving toward because I’m a twenty-six-year-old practice-squad player.
Even if I stay healthy and beat out these young boys coming in for my spot, I could get released at any time.
Coach Rice likes me, but it’s a week-to-week job.
I could get released and picked up by another team, in another city at any time.
So I have to have my backup plan ready. All it takes is one injury, and then you’re done. You never know what might happen.”
I nodded. “Any given Sunday.”
“Any given Sunday,” he agreed.
“You’ve been with the Monarchs the whole time?”
“Yeah, that’s been the good thing. I was activated last year when the backup was in an accident.”
“Did you play?”
“Nah, Channing is the starter, and he was healthy, so I rode the bench.”
“The fact that you were activated shows they see your value,” I pointed out.
“Yeah. But anything can happen at any time, so I’m meeting with some investors tomorrow, and we’ll see what happens.”
“There’s no way they can’t see the vision. There’s no way they won’t want to help you bring this to life. It’s incredible.”
“That means a lot coming from you. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I smiled. “Lamar Anderson … professional athlete. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I never bring it up. I like to keep it private.”
“Why?” I wondered, incredulously. “It’s a pretty awesome job.”
He let out a light chuckle. “Yeah, I like it. Love it actually. But it, uh … falls short of the expectation.”
“Whose expectation? You get paid to play professional football. There are not a lot of people who can say that. You won.”
“I need to carry you around as my personal cheerleader.”
“I’m more of a coach than a cheerleader.”
“For me, you could be both.”
Grinning, I closed my eyes momentarily. “For you, I could do that.”
“You’ve been single for two years?”
It was such an abrupt shift in subject matter that I hesitated momentarily. “Yes … the divorce was finalized two years ago.” Wanting to turn the tables on him, I asked, “When was your last relationship?”
“It’s been a minute,” he answered.
“Does that mean you’re afraid of commitment? Or are you for the streets? Or you got out of something yesterday? Or does that mean you—”
“Hold up! What?!” He chuckled. “Why are those the reasons you’re assuming?”