Chapter 28
Asking Lamar to tell the world that we were just friends had felt like the right thing to do in the moment.
I did what I had to do to protect my peace.
I also wanted to protect Lamar’s peace. I wanted the think pieces and hate comments to stop.
But the moment I’d said it out loud, there had been a hollowness in the pit of my stomach.
I didn’t regret telling Lamar that I wanted to be with him even though it hadn’t yielded the results I wanted. I also didn’t regret being honest about my feelings. He hadn’t verbally expressed it, but I could see the love, the care, the want, and the desire he felt for me.
And that was the problem.
That was always the problem.
Our connection was powerful, and our feelings were real, but from the beginning, there had never been a real path forward.
He told me he didn’t have time, and I wasn’t trying to put myself in a position to be hurt.
From the moment we met, I was scared for it to be more than what it was.
And from the moment I realized my true feelings, I was scared for it to be less than what it is.
And with the internet’s commentary, it had been only a matter of time before history repeated itself.
Sitting on the side of the bed while Lamar was in the shower, I sent Aunt Addy a text. I knew she couldn’t text me back, and I knew I probably wouldn’t hear from her until the next day, but I couldn’t go to bed without reaching out.
Jazmyn Payne: I talked to Lamar and told him my feelings. Preserving his career and keeping our relationship intact was the most important thing. Just wanted to update you. Good night, love you!
And then I immediately sent a text to update my best friends in the group chat.
Jazmyn Payne: I talked to Lamar. He didn’t know about the comments section, but he looked after I said something.
Aaliyah James: I’m glad you talked to him! Did you tell him how you felt about him?
Jazmyn Payne: I did but at the end of the day, the only way to make sure we’re both okay is for him to deny we’re together and go from there.
Nina Ford: Is that what you want?
Jazmyn Payne: I want to get on social media and not see people talking shit. I want people to stop saying they aren’t going to give him his props for his on the field play because he’s with me.
Nina Ford: Did you tell him that?
Jazmyn Payne: In so many words. I just think that if he says we’re friends, his career won’t be overshadowed by this.
Aaliyah James: So you self-sabotaged your connection with Lamar?
Jazmyn Payne: I protected it! I’d rather protect what we do have than risk it for what we could have.
Nina Ford: If you don’t ask for what you want, how do you expect to get it?
Aaliyah James: Points are being made!
I put my phone down on the nightstand and stared at the ceiling. What my best friends were saying reminded me of something my aunt had said.
Are you figuring out what you want, or do you know what you want and you’re afraid to stand in it?
I put my hand to my chest.
I knew what I wanted. But even if I weren’t being dragged over social media and even if people weren’t overshadowing his gameplay, I’d told him I wanted to be with him, and he’d said nothing. I’d just told him I loved him, and he’d said nothing.
Now that some time had passed since that last orgasm, I was able to think a little more clearly about what had happened.
Because why wouldn’t he say it back?
I knew he felt it. I could see it in his eyes. But for him to allow me to be vulnerable and for him to not say anything again … I was bothered. So, when the shower stopped running, I was fully prepared to call him on it.
But then my phone rang.
Seeing who it was, I smirked. Saved by the bell.
“Hey, Aunt Addy!” I answered, knowing it was Monica who was likely making the call. “Just to clarify my text, everything is fine and”—I lowered my voice—“I’m still going to the game on Sunday. And you’ll be happy to know that you were right when you said I loved him.”
“Ooooooooooooooh!” Monica exclaimed. “We love a good love story! Ain’t that right, Addison?! She’s smiling.”
“I knew you’d appreciate that!” Amusement riddling my voice, I shook my head. “How are you?”
“Well … she’s been resting a lot, but she hasn’t had much of an appetite for the last forty-eight hours,” Monica responded.
All the lightness I’d felt was gone. My stomach and my heart dropped.
Hearing about her loss of appetite set alarm bells off in my head.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Do I … do I need to come down there and cook you something, Aunt Addy?” I wondered, trying to keep my voice steady.
“Well, you know Addison is always happy to see you, Jazmyn,” Monica replied.
Tears pricked my eyes. “I can do that, Aunt Addy! What day are you thinking would be best for me to come and cook something?”
“I can’t say for sure, and I know you have plans for the weekend—”
“That doesn’t matter,” I interrupted. “I’ll figure that out. When?”
“Within the week.”
My stomach dropped.
With my throat constricting, I asked, “Should I come tonight?”
“I don’t think that’s necessary, but … soon.”
“Okay, sounds good. I have to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow. Okay, Aunt Addy?”
“Her eyes are closed right now,” Monica reported. “But she smiled when you updated her on your boyfriend.” She laughed. “Now that got her eyes to open up!”
Putting my hand to my chest, I stared at Lamar as he pulled his boxer briefs on. “I’m glad that makes you happy, Aunt Addy. I love you. See you soon!”
As soon as I ended the call, I almost dropped my phone.
“Is everything okay?” Lamar asked, coming over to me.
I felt sick to my stomach. It was just an estimation, but I knew how Monica felt about Aunt Addison. If she was saying a week, that’s what she truly believed.
I was shaking.
Dropping to his knees in front of me, he planted himself between my legs and forced me to look at him. “Jazz, what’s wrong?”
“My, um…” Taking a deep breath, I responded. “Aunt Addy’s nurse said that … it could happen soon.”
His eyes widened. “Oh shit, I’m sorry, Jazz.”
Nodding, I met his gaze and instantly looked away because I was about to cry. “I’m going to Chance first thing in the morning, so I won’t be able to make it to the game. I know I said I would—”
“Don’t worry about that,” he interrupted, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into him. “You need to be with your aunt. Is there anything you need from me? Is there anything I can do?”
I held him tight. “This.”
He held me tighter. “I got you.”
I tried to hold it in for as long as I could, but after being in his arms for a minute, the first sob rumbled out of me. For the next five minutes, he let me cry on his shoulder. When I was able to compose myself, I sat back and dried my face.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, looking at the large wet spot on his shoulder.
He cupped my face. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about.” He leaned forward and kissed my lips. “I’m glad I was here. I can stay as long as you need me to. As long as I’m at practice on time in the morning, I’m good.”
“I’m glad you were here, too.” I rested my forehead on his. “I don’t want to keep you out too late. It’s almost seven o’clock, and I know you have an early morning. And even though it’s not an official bed time or curfew, I’m not going to do you like Quincy did Monica.”
It took him a minute before he burst out laughing. “Yooooooooo.” He rose to his feet and then pulled me to mine. “What is wrong with you?”
My lips curved into a small smile. “You know that was a psychological thriller.” I buried my face in his chest as I felt another wave of sadness roll through my body. “I need to get packed and figure out if I’m going to leave tonight or in the morning.”
I grabbed his hand, and we walked silently to the front door. When we reached it, he dropped kisses on the top of my head, the side of my face, and then lastly against my lips.
“If you get on the road tonight, call me, and I’ll stay on the phone with you. If you wait until morning, call me and let me know. Either way, just let me know something. I’m here for you.” He stared at me for so long, it felt like he was staring into me. “I … I’m always going to be here for you.”
We kissed before saying goodbye.
Blinking back tears, I called my mom to ask her to go make Aunt Addy some yams as soon as possible because she needed to eat.
“They are in the oven right now,” she informed me. “I’m staying the night with her, and that applesauce Monica was giving her earlier is fine, but we will not let Addison’s final meals be trash.”
My heart cracked, and my lips turned downward. “Monica thinks it may be sooner than later.”
“I do, too. And I’m glad.”
Horrified, I yanked the phone from my ear and then brought it back. “What? Why would you say that?”
“Because Addison hates this,” Mom continued.
“As much as I worried about her always doing what she wanted to do, being so vocal, moving and shaking and stirring things up, that was who she was. Not being able to speak or move, being in pain, sleeping her days away, not getting fresh air…” She paused.
“She hates this. This isn’t the life she wanted for herself, and when I sit with her and watch the tears roll down her cheeks, I know she’s ready to go.
So that’s why I said it. And I’m sorry I didn’t consider how you would interpret what I meant, but I know she’s ready to go on to glory. Do you understand that?”
I was quiet, processing her words. “Yes,” I murmured, wiping my tears. “It was just…”
“Hard to hear?” she guessed.
“Yeah.” I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “I’ve been mentally preparing for this all summer, but it’s still hard.”
“It’s hardest to let go of people you love. But know that I’m always here if you need me. I may not understand or like your choices, but I love you, and I want to see you happy. Always.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I whispered, my voice cracking with emotion. “I’ll see all of you tomorrow. Have a good night.”
“Good night, darling. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
My mom’s words stayed with me. I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, pondering what she’d said.
This is probably Aunt Addy’s worst-case scenario.
I hadn’t thought about it like that. I’d watched the light in Aunt Addy dim, and everything I was holding on to, every reason I wasn’t ready to let her go was rooted in my hurt, my pain, my selfishness.
She’d told me from her own mouth that she was ready to go, and even though I’d heard her, I hadn’t heard her.
And it wasn’t until my mom said it that it clicked for me the way it was supposed to.
I loved her so much that I wanted her to stay. But it was time for me to love her enough to let her go.
It was a sobering thought that rocked me.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but when I heard the knock at my door, I sat up abruptly and froze. Waiting and listening closely, I didn’t move until I heard the knock again.
Grabbing my robe, I tiptoed my way to the door. I didn’t see anything out of my peephole, but it was late and I wasn’t just going to swing the door open. I waited another minute and then slowly cracked it open.
There was a large white box sitting outside my door. I saw my name emblazoned on the top, so I scooped it up and set it on the coffee table.
“What could this be?” I quietly wondered aloud, before I opened the box.
Three dozen white flowers—a mix of roses, hydrangeas, and peonies—a diamond crystal vase, and a note were located inside. I grabbed the note first.
I know there’s nothing I can do. But I’m here. You already know you can get anything you want from me. Just say the word. —Lamar
My throat burned and my vision blurred.
I was in love with that man.
“Thank you for the flowers,” I told Lamar as soon as he answered the phone.
“I’m glad you like them,” he replied.
“I love them. How did you— When did you…?”
“I wasn’t able to have them delivered to you tonight because they were about to close, so I came back to drop them off before I got on the road.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
I wasn’t sure how he’d known those flowers were going to lift my spirits. But he always managed to anticipate my needs and make everything better.
And I told him to say we aren’t together.