Chapter 35 #2
His hands caressed my thighs as seconds passed between us. Rolling us on our side, he easily repositioned me to his left side. His fingertips danced over my skin. “As soon as my dick felt you…” He let out a long, heated breath. “I was done.”
“It was reckless,” I admitted.
“Do you regret it?” he wondered.
“Not at all. Do you?”
“Hell no.” He turned his head so that our eyes met. “If you wanted me to put a baby in you, all you had to do was say the word.”
I snickered. “Lamar! You know I have an IUD.”
He pulled me in even closer. “I know, I’m just playing. But…”
My heart thumped. “But what?”
“Right now, I’m playing.” He sighed. “But eventually…”
“You want a kid?”
“I want a kid with you.”
Our desire slowly leaked out of me at the same time as his whispered confession, and it shocked my system.
Staring at him, I was trying to process what he’d said. “You do?”
“I want the whole thing with you—the marriage, the kid, the life.”
My mouth hung open, and his name fell out of my mouth breathlessly. “Lamar.”
“Not today,” he assured me. “But one day.”
He fell asleep almost immediately after he’d said it, but I was wide awake. I thought about it until he woke up half an hour later.
Since we both had early mornings, I insisted on taking a rideshare car back to Richland early in the morning.
I didn’t want to be late to work, but it would be extremely difficult to leave Lamar.
When my alarm went off, Lamar got up and said he was taking me anyway.
We ordered coffee from a donut shop ten minutes away, and before we got on the road, that was our first stop.
I took a sip. “This is going to have me up for a week.”
He chuckled. “They’re going to try to test me for speed or some shit.”
“What’s in this? Cocaine? Why is it so strong? I can’t teach while I’m high!”
“What the hell, Jazz?” He cracked up.
We stopped again so he could get me another caffeinated drink.
“You’re so sweet,” I said as he handed me the only soda I drink. “You do these little things that show me so much love, and I just…” I sighed dreamily. “When did you know you were in love with me?”
“Let Erickson tell it, it was in Dubai.” I reached over and intertwined my hand with his.
“And honestly, maybe it was. But when I knew for sure was when I realized how many choices I was making where the goal was simply to make sure you’re good.
I want you to be happy. I want to protect you.
I want to make your life easier.” He paused as if he were deciding if he was going to continue.
“Tell me,” I encouraged softly, squeezing his hand.
“The day after our first date, I called Edwina’s, the bookstore we went to, and bought that leather journal I saw you looking at. I knew this was different then.”
My lips parted as I stared at him in awe. “You did?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I didn’t want to do too much too soon, but I knew I was giving it to you one way or another. I saw the way you looked at it, and I knew it would make you happy. I’ve been on you since the beginning.”
“I didn’t even realize you noticed me looking at it.”
“I noticed.” He brought the back of my hand to his lips. “I notice everything about you.”
“It had been six weeks since we were at Edwina’s, so when I got the journal, it completely caught me by surprise.” I bit my lip, thinking back to the moment. “I did feel loved … and seen.”
“Good. Because you are—loved and seen.”
“Do you feel loved and seen?”
“On our first date, when I let you read my business plan, I knew I had it bad. But when you got it and you added to it, I knew you saw me. So yeah.” He paused. “Now that I think about it, I’ve been in love with you since then.”
My heart thumped with his admission.
“Lamar.” I placed my free hand on my chest and felt the steady rhythm.
“You’ve been there for me in ways you’ll never fully understand, and I’ve loved you for it,” I told him, staring at his profile.
“I needed to be seen as me and to get lost in feeling good, and you did that for me. I needed to work, and you allowed me to help you with your business plan. I needed to connect and feel safe, and you showed up in my life and did just that. I fell in love with you and didn’t realize it because this summer was a lot. So thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me, baby. I’d do anything for you. And you had a lot going on this summer. Even though I didn’t know initially what was happening, I knew I didn’t want to rush you. I knew I didn’t want to lose you. And I knew we had something different.”
I squeezed his hand, running my thumb over his skin. “I didn’t want to lose you either. I wanted to be with you, but I was willing to be your friend since you didn’t have time for more. And since I knew I was losing my aunt, I couldn’t take the thought of losing you, too.”
“I was never going anywhere. I’ve been locked in from jump.”
“I felt it, but I didn’t know for sure. And then, when I said I love you for the first time and you didn’t—”
“I wasn’t ready to say it out loud, and you weren’t ready to hear it,” he interrupted gently. “And even though I couldn’t say it, I did everything I could to make sure you were good, to take care of you, to keep you happy, safe, and wanting for nothing. And that won’t ever change.”
“I love how you get me,” I told him. “In my life, there have only been four people to instantly just get me: Aunt Addy, Aaliyah, Nina, and you.” I bit my lip, not sure why that statement was about to bring me to tears.
“You showed up exactly when I needed you, and I didn’t even tell you why I needed you. That’ll always mean everything to me.”
“That was me showing you I love you. I knew you needed to keep what was happening with Aunt Addy to yourself for a minute. I didn’t know why, but if I could give that to you, I would. So I did.”
“I did need that,” I murmured, feeling emotional when he glanced over at me.
“You never lied to me, but you sidestepped the hell out of questions,” he joked.
“I don’t want to ever keep anything from you again, but I appreciate you giving me that.”
“I meant it when I said I’d give you anything you want or need.”
Gazing at him, I considered calling out of work. I love him.
He cleared his throat. “But, uh … since we’re not keeping things from each other…”
His long pause made me nervous.
“You’re keeping something from me?” I asked with my eyebrow quirked.
He held my hand tighter. “When you said you didn’t have a safe place in Chance, I paid for the library to finish the gazebo.”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait—what?” It took a minute for me to register what he’d said. My watery eyes bulged. “Lamar! That was you?!”
He nodded. “You said you didn’t have your safe place, so I—”
Climbing over the middle console, I kissed him. My lips brushed against his firmly enough to stop myself from crying. “I can’t believe you did that,” I whispered, moving back to my seat to ensure he could see since we were still going sixty-five miles per hour.
“If I couldn’t be there to protect you or to make you feel safe, I didn’t mind paying to make sure you had a place go while back home.” He paused. “That was me telling you I love you.”
I stared at him in disbelief, no longer able to hold back the tears. I was at a loss for words.
He glanced over at me. “When you said you were worried about your rent—”
I gasped and then froze.
“—I paid it for the rest of the year, so it’d be easier on you. That was me telling you I love you.”
Blinking rapidly, I inhaled shakily, fighting the sob that threatened to burst out of me. “Thank you. I just … you never said anything. You never took credit. I would’ve thanked you a long time ago!”
“I didn’t need to be thanked. I just needed you to be taken care of. I needed you to be good. So, I know it took me a minute to say it out loud with my words, but I’ve been letting you know this whole time with my actions—the actions you knew about and the actions you didn’t.”
I felt emotionally overwhelmed in the best way.
To be seen, cared for, and considered was the ultimate show of love.
For me, it wasn’t about big, over-the-top grand gestures.
It was being protected, being chosen, and being loved out loud despite what anyone had to say.
His love wasn’t loud. His love was genuine.
He anticipated my needs and delivered—not because he needed me to know it was him but because he needed me to be taken care of.
He didn’t do it for credit. He did it for me.
With my throat constricted with unshed tears and stifled sobs, I whispered, “I love you.”
He glanced at me before bringing my hand to his lips. “I love you, too, baby.”
We arrived at my place and Lamar walked me to my door.
I tried to convince him to sleep in Richland and then go to practice from my place.
But the coffee had him wired, so he felt it was best to get on the road.
We kissed, and as he said goodbye, he reminded me that he was coming back that night after practice.
I was on cloud nine.
I arrived at school early but not earlier than the photos of me and Lamar kissing at his game.
From the first few students in my first period to Ben and Alexa alternating between texting me and showing up at my door, I didn’t need to check social media to see what was going on.
But come to find out, it was everywhere.
The school buzzed with questions and excitement as the photo of me and Lamar floated around with his caption: Mine.
Later that night, I created a whole new public social media account.
I chose a different picture from our double-date night and posted that with a cute little caption and made sure the comments were turned off.
And then I posted my first official statement:
Having so many people make negative comments about me and my relationship because they don’t think I deserve to be with this man because of my size reminds me of those bullies from childhood.
As a fat person, everything you do is perceived through a negative lens.
Being fat is often equated to being lazy, ugly, unhealthy, and overall not good enough.
And while that isn’t true, I realized that there are so many people projecting because they hate to see a fat person happy or in love or successful or confident—especially if they believe those are prizes for thinness.
If someone is thin and unhappy, unloved, or unsuccessful, they feel like they paid their dues (by being thin) and have earned happiness, love, success, and the right to be confident in a way that a fat person hasn’t.
If they aren’t thin, and they are unhappy, unloved, or unsuccessful, they feel like the amount of fat on their body is what is stopping them.
So when confronted with the image of Hollywood Anderson happily in love with someone like me, it shakes the foundation of what they believe to be true.
But that isn’t a me problem. If that’s how you think, that’s a you problem.
And until you fix it, it’ll always be a you problem.
Be kind. And if you can’t be kind, be quiet. And if you can’t be quiet, be gone.
And for those asking if I can fight, I can.
Go Monarchs!