12. Matt
12
MATT
I expected my grandmother to want to have words with me after that first meeting with the Gammon reps, but to my surprise, she was too busy for several days afterward. We were close, in a business sense, but I really didn’t know too much about what she did in her personal time. She was a private woman and didn’t freely share much. Perhaps after so many losses in her life, losses that came far too soon, she wanted to guard herself? My grandfather passed away young. Both of my parents had died unexpectedly and too soon in a plane crash, leaving me, young and alone, with her to raise on her own.
I wouldn’t ever say that I was raised without love. Without a doubt, she’d loved me, but I quickly understood that she wasn’t fond of overtly expressing love. And that included not telling me what her newest hobbies were or if she was planning big trips after her upcoming retirement.
Maybe. I wouldn’t be shocked if she clung to her CEO position for another ten years. She was healthy enough to do so for another twenty, really.
She showed up on a Wednesday morning, serious and bright-eyed as usual. Me? I probably looked exhausted from yet another restless night of dreams about Loren keeping me up and frustrated.
We’d shared one night. One . How could that have been enough to imprint her on my mind and my libido like this, unshakably?
“Morning,” my grandmother greeted. She entered my office and let the door close behind her. In a black pantsuit, she looked immaculately put together. Despite the dark hue or the lack of any colors on her, she looked vibrant and bold.
“Going to a funeral?” I asked of her obsidian attire.
“No. Just felt like a good day to wear this.”
I winced. “Is someone getting fired?”
She shrugged, being coy. “The day is young. Who knows?”
I smiled, appreciating her dry humor that she seldom showed. She must really be in a good mood today.
“I heard about your meeting,” she commented.
I nodded and sighed, bracing for her commentary. I knew how much she wanted Gammon as a client. She felt she should’ve had them years ago, decades ago, but DuPont was a family friend or something of the senior Mr. Gammon who had retired and lived playing golf and drinking bourbon now.
“Quite a few SNAFUs, it sounds like.”
“There were,” I agreed.
“But I also heard that a new hire pulled it off and smoothed out the rough spots.”
“She did.” It didn’t kill me to be honest and praise Loren. She deserved every word of compliments. I just wished I could also be free and uninhibited enough to let loose and tell her what I thought of her as well.
It seemed like any move to be congenial would backfire. What if one kind word led to the dam bursting and we fucked again? My concentration—and hers—would be shot regarding this project, and I had to stick with the idea that mind over desire had to rule.
“I looked over the presentation,” she said, not shocking me. All data files shared from my team were accessible on her end, just like all other projects were from other teams in the company.
She raised her brows, seeming amused. “It sure wasn’t like that when you were born.”
“What do you mean?”
“All those gimmicks and gadgets. It’s so different. When I had your father…” She smirked. “A bottle and a rattle were plenty.”
I smiled, realizing she wasn’t commenting on the presentation of uncoordinated colors, fonts, and wonky word choices. She was remarking about the content, the Gammon baby products they wanted rebranded and marketed.
“Ah. I see what you mean.” I rubbed my hand over my hair, then dragged my palm over my jaw. Should’ve shaved. I hadn’t only because of the memory of Loren purring with pleasure at the feel of my face against hers, that she enjoyed the friction of my stubble.
Stop thinking about her for one damn minute!
“It, uh, does seem like a lot of things to need just to keep a baby alive.”
“Oh, not only alive, but meeting milestones and being intellectually entertained while not setting them up to be biased.”
I smiled, intrigued that her sarcastic opinions about some of the Gammon mission statement mumbo jumbo matched my thoughts. “Don’t forget the bit about making sure the next generation raises ‘doers, not followers’.”
She huffed. “How a baby bottle can guarantee that is a mystery to me.” Shaking her head, she studied me. “Seems like a lot of foreign products to sell, doesn’t it?”
I didn’t hesitate to nod. “It’s definitely not my wheelhouse.”
“Baby stuff?” She nodded. “I agree. A bachelor like you wouldn’t know the difference between a pacifier and a teether.”
Are those different? They suck on both of them, don’t they?
“Have you ever considered it?”
I chuckled. “What differentiates a pacifier from a teether? No.”
“No interest in settling down at all, Matthew?” She cocked her head to the side.
Where the hell is she going with this? While we weren’t best friends, she knew me. She knew me better than to wonder whether I was hit with some spontaneous need to start a family.
“No. You know my goals. I want to take over as CEO.” I smiled charmingly. “When you’re ready to retire, of course.”
“Of course.” She pursed her lips. “There’s no guarantee when that’ll happen, though. Working keeps my mind fresh. You wouldn’t want to have my brain rot and look around for a nursing home already, do you?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re not that old, Grandmother.”
“And you’re not that young anymore, either. Perhaps I could hang on to my title so you can add in a side quest for a family.”
What. The. Hell? I arched one brow, stupefied that she was even talking about this. “Looking at baby products made you suddenly obsessed with having grandkids?”
She stood, shaking her head. “No. I’m too secure in my life to suddenly become obsessed with anything.” As she headed to the door, she paused to look back at me. “But looking at baby products entertained me in the sense that you’d be so clueless about using any of them.”
“Gee. Thanks.”
“It simply encouraged me to wonder if the desire to settle and start a family has ever occurred to you.”
“It’s not on my mind. At all.”
“You never thought about meeting that special one woman you’d want to be the mother of your children?”
“Hadn’t crossed my mind.” I resisted the urge to cringe once the words left my mouth. They tasted like a lie.
“Keep it in mind, though… I’m not knocking on death’s door anytime soon. Should you ever meet a woman you’d want to settle with, I’ll compromise with my retirement so you can embrace fatherhood without being in charge here.”
I stood, bothered by what sounded like her rescinding her offer. “No. No worries on that front at all. I’m excited to wrap up this Gammon acquisition and start as CEO.” I sighed. “When you’re ready, of course.” I hated that she hadn’t committed to an actual timeframe or date. That was just like her, to always make sure options remained open.
Once she left, I slumped into my seat and realized that her comments and suggestions had provoked me into actually thinking about it for once.
Me? A father? I couldn’t envision mastering how to use any of those complicated baby gadgets, let alone knowing a damn thing about how to be a father. Expecting me to be responsible for a new life was a ridiculous, crazy idea.
Yet, as I tried and failed to go over data reports that Brad had shared with me, printed copies because he was an old timer and preferred paper and digital documents, I realized that it had crossed my mind. I had thought about settling with a woman.
Loren.
She claimed there was nothing more between us, but that only resulted in her being more forbidden, more off-limits to me.
And it prompted me to want her harder. To imagine and daydream about a real relationship, for good.
I cannot be thinking about settling with her. No way in hell.
She was too young to want a family, a career-minded soul like me. She was firmly anti-Matt anything, equally quick to smirk at me and talk back as I was to try to rile her up.
This is bordering on insanity.
I couldn’t actually be thinking of having a baby with my former one-night stand. She was only fresh on my mind because she was the last woman I’d had sex with. That had to be it. Simple as that.
However, for the rest of the workday, I couldn’t shake off the idea of how it might not be crazy talk. That perhaps a woman like Loren and the idea of a future in a family perspective could be that change I’d been wanting and waiting for without realizing it.
Settling down with Loren and making a real go out of a relationship with her would be a way to break out of this rut, for sure. But giving up my drive and lifelong goal of becoming the next CEO for my family’s company sounded like nonsense.
Cut it out.
She was on my mind because she was the last woman I had. That had to be it. This desire would fizzle out and fade sooner or later. I’d never had a problem moving on from a fling before, and this one was just complicated with my having to see her in the office every day.
Because the thought of giving up on my drive to get promoted was ludicrous. Unfathomable.
I was a businessman. I was a bachelor. Those two defining traits had served me well for a long time, and I saw no purpose in altering my identity so drastically over a one-night stand.
“No way.” I shook my head and furrowed my brow to read the data reports again. Maybe this fourth reread would result in the words sinking into my head.
“No way it’d happen,” I muttered, repeating my promise to stay true to myself.
There was no damn way I was going to reinvent myself and be in some fantasy la-la land of wanting Loren to be my partner and the mother of my kids.