Chapter 44
***Aggie***
I stared out the bathroom window at the land Dad owned and beyond.
I'd never expected to be back home at my age.
I'd never expected to feel so bitter and heartbroken, either.
My stomach soured as I rested my elbows on the sill and squeezed my eyes shut.
Weeks had passed without a word from the guys.
I hadn't seen them since the night I'd been arrested, since the night they'd pulled whatever strings they'd pulled to get me out of trouble.
It was hard to hold onto every bit of my anger when they'd saved me from facing serious charges.
With a wave of their magic wand, they'd erased any evidence of what I'd done.
Monroe couldn't make me pay for beating him up when the DA laughed in his face and accused him of faking the entire thing.
They'd saved me from myself that night, but it didn't erase the things they'd done and said.
When I opened my eyes, the land blurred in my vision and I stared past it, seeing their faces as they begged me to leave the jail with them that night.
I told myself over and over again that it wasn't real, that they didn't care about me, but their expressions haunted my dreams. I wanted to blame them for my life being what it was, even if Monroe had to shoulder most of the blame.
I wanted to truly hate them, the way I'd told them I did.
It just wasn't so. Even through the anger and pain I missed them.
The timer on my phone dinged and I jumped before grabbing it to shut it off.
I didn't turn back to the bathroom, unwilling to face the truth waiting on me.
My heart raced and nausea rolled over me.
Like a monster creeping up behind me, the rest of my life rested precariously on the edge of the bathroom counter that I shared with Dad. I didn't want to look.
The missed periods could've been stress.
The rolling nausea that lasted most of the day could've been stress.
There were explanations for why my body was being strange.
It had to be anything but what I feared the most. There was no way that life had been so cruel to me, as to tie me permanently to the three men who'd crushed my heart so easily.
I hated who I was in those days. Full of angst and fear, I was acting like a shell of myself.
I'd never let emotions control me so thoroughly, but that was all I'd done since meeting the guys.
I'd made one decision after another, all based on emotions and feelings.
I'd given into every whim I'd had and let myself get lost in a dream.
Well. It was time to wake up and there was no one in the bathroom to face my real life monsters but me.
I forced my body to turn around and it felt like I was moving through sludge the whole time.
Moving my eyes down to the pregnancy test, I felt my world shift and tilt off its axis.
Gravity ceased to exist as I felt like I was floating away.
I was brought back down hard by the display of the test. I knew the rules, what two pink lines meant.
I knew what it was going to be before I even looked.
Denial struck hard, however. I grabbed the test and glared at it.
It didn't understand what it was doing to me.
It didn't know the life sentence it was attempting to cast on me.
Single, living with my dad, jobless, and more depressed than I'd felt in decades, the idea of a positive result couldn't even break through the true mental fog.
Things ceased to make sense and I did the one thing I knew to do when that happened.
“Dad!” I stared down at the pink lines and shook the little tester, convinced it would fix itself. “Dad, get in here!”
“What is it, Ag? You scared Brenda with all your screaming. We were just getting to the next phase of our meditation.” Dad came into the bathroomroom and froze when he saw what I was holding. “What is that?”
“It’s broken. It has to be broken, because it has the pink lines.
I’m not pregnant, so clearly, it’s broken.
We should buy more. Do you have any lying around here?
Of course, not! What am I even saying? Oh, I know.
I’ll just ignore it! If I ignore it, it’ll just..
.go away. Because the test is broken and I’m not pregnant. Right? Dad?”
He came over and embraced me in a tight hug. With the pee stick between us, he stroked my hair and gently rocked me. “Oh, sweetheart. It’s going to be okay.”
“Because the test is broken?”
“Because I love you and I’ll do whatever you need me to do to make sure you’re happy.” He kissed the side of my head and sighed. “Tell me when I can freak out and jump for joy.”
“Not yet.” I swallowed the lump that seemed to be forever present in my throat those days. “Maybe not for a little while.”
“Okay, fine. I’m going to call Sarah and schedule an appointment, though.
” He kissed my head again and then held me at arm’s length.
“Agatha Bailey Young, I just want you to know that if you are pregnant, you’re grounded.
Remember when we talked about safe sex? I told you.
Unplanned pregnancies lead to being grounded until you’re forty. ”
I faked a smile through tears and pushed him away. “Get out of here.”
For three more days, I clutched that little test in my pocket, periodically taking it out to check to see if it’d fixed itself since the last time I’d looked.
Then, when Sarah, our family doctor, confirmed that I was pregnant, I tucked the test into a box of memories I’d kept from childhood.
Wrapped in plastic, my first pregnancy test was kept between a photo of my mom and the movie stub I got from the movie I’d had my first kiss at.
During my next visit with Sarah, she asked about the baby’s father.
I cried while trying to explain. Between my apologies for crying, because as I told her, I never cry, she assured me that my crying was normal and that I’d probably do it a lot more in the coming months.
She talked me through my fears about taking birth control daily before I’d found out I was pregnant and the few drinks of whiskey I’d had.
She gave me prenatal vitamins and suggested a book for me to read.
Then she sent me on my way with a follow-up appointment in a month.
Two months pregnant and jobless, I sat on Dad’s couch a lot.
I was paralyzed with fear, sure that I wasn’t ready.
I didn’t know what I was doing. I’d only had a mother for a few years of my life.
I had no business trying to raise a child.
Then, there were the thoughts that left me a total wreck.
Thoughts about the guys and how we were going to have a kid to raise together. While not together.
No matter how much I’d sworn to shove my feelings for them away and forget them, it hadn’t happened.
I reassured myself that only a few months had passed.
Any day, I was going to wake up and open my eyes without thinking about them.
When that didn’t happen, day after day, I finally admitted that maybe love was more complicated than I understood.
At night, Dad joined me on the couch and we talked.
Eventually, when I was ready to talk about the life growing in me, we talked about how scared he’d been when he and Mom found out they were expecting.
“Your mother had just gotten a job at this vet’s office.
She was so excited about it and then we found out you were coming and she realized that job wasn’t going to work for her. ”
“So, I ruined Mom’s dream career?”
“God, no. She actually hated it after she finished training. Finding out she was pregnant ended up being what saved her from squeezing the anal glands of massive dogs.” He laughed. “Ruined her dream career. She would’ve loved that.”
“My career is over, anyway, so the kid won’t have any of that burden to shoulder.” I tucked my legs under me. “All of this started because I didn’t want to have a kid with Monroe. I had bigger and better ideas than getting pregnant and being a wife and mom. Now, here I am, having a kid by myself.”
“First of all, you’re not alone. You’ve got me, your cousins, their families, and every neighbor around here.
Second of all, I’m hitting my limit on how much I can let you mope.
” Dad took my hands in his and squeezed them.
“Ag, nothing is over. You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you.
You could go out tomorrow and get a job. ”
“I physically assaulted my ex-boss, Dad. You think anyone is going to hire me after that? The day after I got here, I sent my resume out. I got nothing back but an email from a headhunter in New York suggesting I change my name if I ever wanted to work in the business world again.” I pulled my hands back into my lap and frowned. “I’m poisoned in the industry.”
“Nothing lasts forever. Maybe you needed this break to heal from everything. It won’t always feel like this, though.
You’re stronger than you’re acting. You’re my fierce daughter who wrestles men and wins.
You’re the same woman who worked her way up at Monroe Blake’s company, despite all the odds being against you.
You’re a badass, Ag.” He cupped my face in his hands and smiled.
“Now you’ll be a badass with a baby. I’ve let you sit around and do nothing for a month because I trust that you’ll figure it out.
You’ll get back on your feet, sweetheart. I’m not worried about that.”
I blinked back tears and sighed. “No? Then why the pep talk?”
He patted my cheek and stood up. “I’m worried about my couch. You’re going to leave an impression in it if you don’t get up soon.”
I tossed a pillow at him and rested my chin on my knees, thinking about what he’d said as he went to the kitchen to make himself a snack. “I’m not ready to get back into the real world, Dad. I just need a little bit more time. I think I could handle a vacation, though.”
Looking at me over his shoulder, he grinned. “What were you thinking?”
Anything to get me away from Dallas for a while. “You always talked about that road trip. Has there ever been a better time for both of us to get up and go?”
“What about the baby?”
I stared down at my belly. “I’m assuming it’ll be fine.”
Dad sighed and paused at the threshold of the living room.
“Honey, I mean... I haven’t wanted to push or make you feel like I’m judging anything you choose to do, but when are you going to tell them?
A road trip would make me the happiest dad ever, but not if it’s just so you can avoid facing reality. ”
I nodded to the notebook on the coffee table. “I’m trying. I’m not ready to see them. I’m going to send them a letter, explaining everything. I just have to figure out what to write.”
“I’d pay to be a fly on the wall when they open that letter.”
I hesitated in asking my next question, because Dad and I had drawn an invisible line in the sand when I first arrived on his doorstep, fresh out of jail and sobbing. I didn’t want to talk about the Graves brothers. Except, we were talking about them and I had to know. “Have you heard from them?”
Dad sighed. “Do you know which answer would hurt more?”
I looked away. “No.”
“When you do, let me know and I’ll answer that question.” He sank into the couch beside me and grabbed the remote. “I’ll have to get someone to look after the farm if you’re serious about a road trip.”
Staring at my notebook, I worked up the nerve to grab it and stand. “I’m serious.”