Chapter 15
Hannah
O ur first night in Helena had gone well.
We’d picked up takeout food for dinner because I had to get up early the next morning and go to work.
Staying together in the same suite on night one had been pretty easy. I’d retreated to bed early because I had to get up early.
It was today, day two, that was a little more awkward.
I’d finished with my duties at the wedding in the afternoon, and Tanner had picked me up in his rental vehicle after his lunch with a friend.
I’d been excited when we’d played like tourists in the area for the rest of the afternoon.
We’d gone to the Gates Of The Mountains Wilderness Area, and taken a breathtaking boat ride on the Missouri River because neither of us had ever done it before.
I’d always wanted to visit the spot that Meriwether Lewis had first documented during his explorations, and to my delight, that was something that Tanner had never forgotten about me.
We’d lingered there as long as possible because it was peaceful before we’d headed back to downtown Helena for dinner.
We’d arrived back at our suite after dinner.
Although Helena was the capital of Montana, and was considered a city, there wasn’t a lot to do at night unless one wanted to hit the clubs or bars.
“Thank you for the incredible day,” I said to Tanner as I sat down on the sofa with a glass of wine in the common area of the suite.
He’d picked up one of the wines that I liked, and had gotten himself some beer earlier in the day.
Everything had been planned today with my preferences in mind.
His thoughtfulness was touching, but I still wasn’t quite sure how to react to this new Tanner who was focused on me and what I wanted.
In some ways, he reminded me of the Tanner I’d known in the earlier years of our relationship, but it wasn’t exactly the same.
I’d changed.
Tanner had changed.
He was a lot more mature and sure of himself than he’d been years ago.
Yeah, I found that incredibly attractive and alluring, but a little more intimidating than the Tanner I’d known years ago.
The way that he seemed to be able to focus entirely on me was captivating.
While it was flattering to have his complete attention when we were together, I wasn’t exactly sure how to handle it.
Tanner had been considerate in our earlier relationship, but he’d been a guy who was still building his career and establishing himself. He’d always been determined, but he’d had his insecurities about KTD and his abilities at times.
He wasn’t that man anymore.
He was a billionaire who recognized his own worth and skills in business.
Tanner had given up everything to get to this point in his life, and now he seemed much more focused on other things in his life.
Namely… me .
A big part of me relished that attention, but it was so much more intense than it had ever been before.
I knew I was losing my wariness of Tanner, and even though I knew that was dangerous, I couldn’t help it.
It was so easy to be drawn to the man Tanner was right now.
His eyes swept over me thoroughly before he answered. “It was my pleasure. I enjoyed it, too.”
God, the way that sexy baritone could make any response sound sensual made me half crazy.
Tanner was seated on the other end of the sofa in jeans and a T-shirt that matched his gorgeous blue eyes. The shirt was just snug enough to bring attention to his muscular biceps and tight abs.
He had the body of a guy who liked to be outside and do heavy physical labor.
It wasn’t the physique of a male who had sculpted that fit body in a gym.
Tanner Remington was ruggedly handsome and ripped, which had always appealed to me more than a man who pumped iron or ran on a treadmill indoors.
There was nothing wrong with someone who kept in shape by using a gym, but Tanner had always seemed to have a much more raw sensuality than the average male.
There was something about that aura of his that made me want to move up close to him and set those primitive instincts free.
Probably because I knew exactly what it was like when Tanner was untamed and raw.
I forced my gaze from him and took a large sip of wine, disgusted with myself because I was salivating over Tanner Remington.
I did not need to learn all of the mysterious secrets of this new Tanner.
The old one had nearly killed me.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked huskily.
I could feel his eyes on me, even though I wasn’t looking at him.
I’d taken a quick shower after we’d gotten back from the wilderness area, and changed into my pajamas. I was dressed in my sleep shorts and a comfortable, cotton shirt, which weren’t exactly sexy.
However, I now wished I was covered from head to toe at the moment.
I felt half naked and vulnerable, but it probably had nothing to do with what I was wearing.
“I don’t really think we need to talk about the past anymore,” I said softly.
“We do if that’s what you were thinking about,” Tanner insisted. “I don’t think we can start over until you’ve forgiven me for the past.”
“We can’t ever start over,” I told him. “We have way too much history that was incredibly painful. We hurt each other, Tanner. It’s hard to get over that.”
“I hurt you ,” he corrected. “Any pain I felt was brought on by my own actions.”
It touched me that Tanner was so willing to take accountability for everything that had happened between us, but it was also troubling because he wasn’t completely at fault.
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s completely true.”
If it was time for us to get real with each other, then I was going to have to be completely honest about my issues that had played a part in our breakup. I’d told him some of it when I’d had that meltdown after our first visit to The Mug And Jug, but it was probably time for me to share everything.
He deserved that. He’d already done everything possible to prove himself to me.
I continued, “I think I always had insecurities about us, and that wasn’t your fault. You were so driven and determined to be successful. You were educated. You were incredibly handsome. There was part of me that always wondered if you’d leave me for a more educated and sophisticated woman someday. I think those insecurities got even bigger the more successful you became.”
“Why didn’t you say anything about that?” Tanner asked. “You never even hinted that you were insecure.”
“I don’t think I ever wanted to acknowledge those feelings myself,” I told him honestly. “When I first got to Seattle, I went through a pretty bad depression. Our breakup felt like it verified all those feelings I had about myself. That I wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t woman enough to hold your attention. I had problems even getting out of bed in the morning. I finally had to seek help, Tanner. I was a mess, and I didn’t want to keep living that way. I learned a lot about myself over a few years of counseling. Yes, you were a jerk, and my attempts at communication failed. But my insecurities ate me alive inside, too. There was something wrong with me. It wasn’t just your actions. If I’d had the self-confidence I’d pretended to have, I would have smacked you in the head to get your attention.”
“You shouldn’t have had to do that,” Tanner grumbled. “I should have noticed.”
“Not necessarily,” I said earnestly. “I was pretty good at hiding those insecurities. I didn’t face them myself until I sought help for my depression. That period in my life was pretty scary, but that crisis probably needed to happen to get myself to where I am now. I was weaned off my antidepressant medication once I pulled my mental health together, and I’m careful about my mental health now. I have to be. I don’t ever want to go to dark places like that again. You weren’t the cause of that mental collapse, Tanner. Our breakup was just the catalyst that made it happen.”
By the time I’d stopped talking, I was surprised to feel a tear roll down my cheek.
Maybe I had worked through my issues, but there was obviously some pain and regret about our failed relationship that still lingered inside of me.
I did regret that I hadn’t been strong enough to fight harder for our relationship.
Tanner and I had shared some very good years together. The relationship had been worth fighting harder for when Tanner went through that phase.
But I’d been too busy fighting my own demons at the time.
I gasped as I felt myself being bodily lifted gently until I landed in Tanner’s lap.
He wrapped his arms around me protectively as he rasped, “Christ! I’m so fucking sorry, Hannah. Where in the hell was I when this was happening to you?”
I curled into his warm, muscular form like my body was made to be plastered against him. He felt good. So. Damn. Good. “You’re missing the point, Tanner,” I said quietly. “I’m trying to tell you that this wasn’t all your fault. Maybe if I’d been confident enough to tell you that you were hurting me, you would have listened. I didn’t. I just kept trying to be the woman you thought I was. That happy-go-lucky, supportive woman you’d always known.”
“Is that why you broke down and told me that I’d hurt you the first night?” he questioned gently.
“Yes,” I confessed. “I guess I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I was mad at you, but probably more angry with myself that I’d never been able to voice those emotions when we were together.”
“Do you think you were depressed earlier in our relationship?” he asked, his voice concerned.
“My insecurities and low self-esteem were always there, but the depression hit me like a freight train when my whole life fell apart. Being depressed about our breakup would be normal, but this was different. I was clinically depressed. I think it was a warning that I needed to fix the mental health issues that I’d hidden for so long. At some point, even if we’d stayed together, I would have melted down in the future. You can only bury those issues for so long before you have some kind of meltdown.”
“Do you have any idea how much I hate the fact that you went through that alone?” he asked hoarsely.
I shook my head as I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Don’t. This was something I needed to face myself. Mom raised me right, and she did everything she could to support me. I just never felt good about myself. I told you that I was overweight in high school, and that I had terrible eczema. You’ve seen the scars from that period in my life. I’d just get over one flare, and my anxiety about the way I looked would bring on another almost right away.”
Those eczema flares had finally stopped by the time I got into my senior year, but the small scars on my face were still visible. When I’d gone to Seattle, I’d sought treatment from a dermatologist to minimize the scarring as much as possible. After that, I’d learned to accept and love myself the way that I was and always would be.
I’d dropped the extra pounds and started experimenting with the magic of makeup during my senior year in high school. I’d learned that there were things I could do to my crazy hair to make it look better, and that I could conceal my old scars.
I’d been excited that I could improve the way I looked on the outside, which had prompted me to want to help others do the same by becoming a cosmetologist.
Unfortunately, I’d never worked on the emotional issues I’d experienced during those awful years in my early life.
“Those scars were always barely visible. I never saw them,” Tanner said in a raspy voice. “The scars weren’t noticeable to a guy who has a very large and very visible scar on his own face. You’re beautiful Hannah, inside and out.”
God, that was one thing that had always made me love Tanner even more.
He’d never seen a single one of my flaws because he’d loved me.
I smiled because he was hell-bent on defending me. “That doesn’t matter when you’re a teenager and you’re struggling to fit in with everyone else. I wasn’t old enough to realize my strong points. I just knew that I wasn’t like the popular kids, and I struggled to be likeable since I wasn’t very attractive. Maybe I wasn’t bullied outright, but my hearing was fine, and I could hear the whispered comments and laughter about my appearance. Nobody really wanted to be my friend, and I wanted friends so badly in high school.”
“That was their loss,” Tanner rumbled as he stroked a soothing hand over my hair.
“I know that now. But I was still pretty damaged from those earlier challenges, and I never dealt with that. All of my issues spilt over into my adulthood. Those ingrained insecurities, anxiety, and low self-esteem became part of my psyche. But that’s in my past now, Tanner. I painfully moved through those issues in Seattle so that I could come out stronger on the other side.”
“Do you feel strong, Hannah?” he asked as he put his fingers under my chin and urged me to look at him.
The moment our eyes met, the warmth of his gaze nearly made me melt.
“Most of the time,” I whispered, a shiver of awareness creeping slowly up my spine. “My occasional insecurities are normal now, and not some drama from my past.”
I’d never felt closer to Tanner than I did at that moment.
Maybe because I’d never allowed myself to be completely honest about my issues with him before.
I’d hid them behind the fa?ade of a woman that I thought he could love.
Now, I was just…me.
I could tell from the look in his eyes that he cared about what had happened to me, and that he didn’t think I was crazy because of what I’d gone through.
In fact, there was admiration and understanding in his heated gaze, and something else I couldn’t quite decipher.
“Tanner?” I said breathlessly.
Before I could blink, he lowered his mouth to mine.
I’d probably kissed Tanner thousands of times, but there was something about this embrace that was completely different from any other.
I closed my eyes, and let myself fall into the most magical, all-consuming kiss that I’d ever experienced.