Chapter 16
Tanner
I fucking knew that I shouldn’t kiss Hannah, but after her fearless disclosures, there was nothing that could have stopped me from claiming what I thought was mine.
The moment I claimed those gorgeous lips, I knew I was fucked.
I just didn’t care.
The embrace wasn’t particularly carnal.
It was a slow and thorough exploration that was emotionally charged.
On my part, there was definitely a desperation to thoroughly acquaint myself with this woman, and to reach her emotionally when words had failed me.
I wanted her to know that I felt and understood every word that she’d said, and that I was here for her in a way that I hadn’t been before.
Christ! Hannah was probably the bravest woman I’d ever known.
Maybe she didn’t see that, but I did.
She’d walked through hell alone, clawing her way to get to the other side when it would have been far easier to just give up.
She put her hand on my chest as my tongue explored her beautiful mouth, but she wasn’t pushing me away.
She opened for me, and started to boldly rediscover me, just like I was relearning her.
I couldn’t say the kiss didn’t get heated.
With Hannah, it was impossible to be this close to her without my cock clamoring for more, but there was so much more to this kiss than just…sex.
Mine!
I wanted to claim her.
Hannah Griffin was mine.
She’d always been mine.
Strangely, I felt that certainty now even more than I had when we were together. And that was saying something because I’d been a pretty possessive asshole when it came to Hannah.
Every muscle in my body tightened as Hannah moaned against my lips.
My arm reflexively tightened around her.
Mine!
My emotions started to war with my carnal instincts.
Hannah wanted, and I immediately needed to satisfy my woman’s needs.
My dick and the rest of my body suddenly realized how much I needed physical satisfaction myself, but…
Now is not the time for that, idiot. You need Hannah’s trust more than you need to fuck her.
When I forced myself to end the intimate contact between us, Hannah was panting, and the raw need in her eyes almost broke me.
I only saw that vulnerability for a second before she looked away, but I had seen it, and for just a moment, she’d let me in.
Hell, she’d let me in by telling me about what had happened to her in Seattle, and about her mental health issues.
Okay, maybe that didn’t mean she completely trusted me, but it was…something.
She made a brief attempt to climb off my body, but I held her there with brute strength. “Don’t,” I said, my voice husky with emotion. “You were brave enough to share what happened to you. Don’t back down now. After that kiss, can we just admit that we still have feelings for each other? I’ll be the first to admit that I want a hell of a lot more than just a friendship with you, Hannah. We can’t get back what we had before, but I don’t think either of us want that. We’re different people now. But we could start over and have something different this time. Something even better than we had before. I’m done bullshitting you about wanting to be your friend. I mean, I do want that friendship, but you and I were never meant to be just friends, Hannah.”
She didn’t pull away.
She boldly straddled my body and looked down into my eyes. “I just confessed that I lost my mind for a while in Seattle.”
I shrugged. “I was pretty depressed when my father died. I can’t compare that depression with the clinical depression you went through, but I know how damn hard it was to crawl out of that hole. You’re a brave, determined woman, Hannah, and that’s one of the things that I always loved about you.”
“I wasn’t that brave before I went through that depression,” she denied.
I tightened my arms around her waist. “You were. I just don’t think you were able to see how brave you were before you sought help in Seattle.”
She shook her head. “I wasn’t able to really see any of my good qualities. I’m sorry. I should have been honest with you about the way I was feeling. But I wasn’t ready to face those things myself back then. It was easier to just pretend that those emotions didn’t exist.”
Hell, she had no idea how much I understood burying emotions that were fucking painful to bring into the light of day.
I reached up and stroked my hand over her silky hair. “Don’t be sorry for being human. We all make mistakes. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. You were as close to perfect as a person could get in my eyes. I wish I would have known that you were battling your own demons. I would have tried to help you slay them.”
She shot me a soft smile that made my chest ache as she replied, “You know, you probably would have tried to slaughter those demons for me. But it wouldn’t have worked. Until I was able to fix things and internalize those truths myself, nothing else would have helped. I had to believe I was worthy, deserving, and be at peace with who I was, Tanner. I finally got to that place, but it took a long time to get there. I’d gotten so good at pretending that I was okay that even I believed that I was most of the time.”
I got what she was saying because I’d done that myself after we’d broken up.
She took a deep breath before she continued, “I can admit that it would be hard to just be your friend, too, but part of me is really afraid of the feelings that I still have for you. Obviously, I’m still attracted to you, but I’m not sure it’s wise for us to try to start over. And you’re right, we would have to start over. We’ve changed too much to have the relationship we did before. You’re also correct about me not wanting that relationship back again. I wasn’t honest with you, Tanner. I was so insecure that sometimes I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I don’t really want to be anyone but myself anymore. I’m a little more selfish than I used to be. I still care about other people, but I take care of my own needs, too, because I know that I’m worth it. I won’t sacrifice myself to make other people happy anymore.”
Fuck! She had no idea how attractive that was to me.
She saw herself the way that I saw her, and she went after exactly what she wanted with the confidence that she could do whatever the hell she wanted.
Maybe some guys got off on getting their ego stroked and having a more submissive female.
But I was not one of those men.
Being challenged by her was pretty damn hot.
“I think taking care of yourself is pretty fucking sexy,” I said as I grinned at her.
She snorted. “I think you’re completely insane. Nobody thinks being selfish is sexy.”
I shook my head. “It’s not selfish to stand up for yourself and know your own worth. I happen to like that about you. You’ve gotten pretty sassy. It is sexy.”
When she threw her head back and laughed, something that had been coiled tightly inside of me finally relaxed.
It was the first time I’d actually heard her laugh like that since we’d met up again. It felt so damn good to know that I was finally seeing a Hannah who wasn’t as guarded with me as she’d been before.
When she’d recovered, she answered, “You’re probably the only man in the world who thinks that’s sexy.”
I grinned back at her and winked. “Good. I think I should be the only man whose opinion really matters to you.”
She lifted a brow in a flirty way that I loved. “That’s a little cocky and presumptuous.”
“Admit it,” I drawled. “You kind of missed my bossiness.”
She sighed dramatically. “Maybe I have. A little. You wouldn’t be Tanner Remington without trying to take control of everything.”
“I have tried to tame those instincts,” I reminded her.
“Don’t,” she insisted. “It’s part of your nature, and I can handle the real you. I’m not afraid to take you down a peg if you get too cocky.”
My dick twitched because I knew she’d do exactly that.
She added, “I want us to be real and honest with each other, Tanner. Right now, I don’t know where all of this is going, but we have to be honest with each other. Always.”
A twinge of guilt gnawed at me.
“Okay, then I’ll start by admitting that I set this whole trip up simply because I wanted to be with you for the weekend. I did have lunch with a friend here, but I wasn’t planning to before I knew that you were coming to Helena. I also didn’t want you driving those remote highways alone at night, and I selfishly just wanted to be with you.”
I knew I was taking a risk by admitting that, but she was right. We had to be honest with each other about everything.
Her eyes widened as she looked at me, but her lips turned up in a small smile. “I think I already suspected that, but I’m glad you fessed up.”
“No more lies, Hannah. I want you to trust me. My only defense is that I was desperate to spend the weekend with you, and I didn’t want you to be alone on the road late at night.”
“You should have told me the truth,” she scolded lightly. “But to be honest, it’s kind of flattering to know you went to all of that work just to spend time with me.”
“I’d do almost anything to spend time with you,” I admitted.
“I’m not used to that,” she confessed. “Things were so much different at the end of our relationship.”
“Get used to it,” I told her. “I’m not the same man you knew at the end of our relationship, and I’m sure as hell not going to piss away a possible second chance.”
She cocked her head as she sent me a puzzled glance. “You really wanted to be with me that much? This isn’t guilt talking?”
“Hell, no,” I said irritably. “I do have regrets about how things ended between us, but yeah, I just wanted to be with you because it feels good. If that makes me selfish, I don’t give a fuck. It doesn’t feel right when I’m not with you. Being with you makes me happy, Hannah, and I haven’t been happy in a long time.”
“I think it makes me happy, too,” she said with a small sigh.
“You think it makes you happy?” I teased.
She blew out a long breath. “Okay, since we’re being honest, I do like being with you, Tanner, and sometimes that scares me. I’m also starting to trust you, and that terrifies the hell out of me, too.”
My gut ached as I ran a thumb over the soft skin of her cheek. “I know, sweetheart. It’s going to take time to lose that fear, but know that I’d rather cut off my balls than to hurt you again. I never meant to hurt you the first time.”
She nodded. “I think I realize that now, and I forgive you for making a mistake. I made plenty of my own in our relationship. But this is a little scary for me, and I’m not sure that we can start over again.”
“I’ll wait,” I vowed. “I’ll eventually convince you that it’s possible.”
“You’re that sure of yourself?” she teased as she lowered her forehead to mine.
“Yep,” I said as I reached behind her head to hold our position because the playfulness and my contact with her felt so damn good. “My persistence and stubbornness is one thing that’s never changed.”
“You’re bullheaded,” she accused playfully.
“Guilty,” I conceded readily.
When I really wanted something, I could be a pain in the ass, and I’d never wanted anything more than I wanted Hannah.
She was going to be mine.
It wasn’t conceit or cockiness that made me believe that.
It was the knowledge that my future happiness and my life depended on making that happen.
She climbed out of my lap as she said shakily, “Then I guess we just take this one day at a time. You should probably know that if I wasn’t starting to trust you, I never would have told you all of the things I did tonight.”
I didn’t try to pull her back to me, even though every instinct I had was screaming at me to do just that.
I had to get some physical distance from her before I did something I would probably regret.
Something Hannah wasn’t ready for right now.
It was going to have to be enough that I was making some headway in gaining her trust.
My father had always said that the best things in life were worth the wait.
My father had been a wise man, and I knew that he was right, but he’d never mentioned just how torturous that wait could be.
And I hadn’t even started the long campaign to get Hannah back into my life for good.