Chapter Fifty-Five Larissa
Chapter Fifty-Five
LARISSA
THE SETTING SUN casts a tawny glow on the expansive house perched on a hillside as I approach the heavy oak door.
After knocking twice, when I get no answer, I eye the sedan I parked behind, then take the walkway leading to the back of the house.
Nerves firing when I round it to see him perched on the hillside, watching the sun as it starts a slow descent behind the rolling hills.
Standing amidst the hazy, color-infused backdrop, he’s never looked more beautiful.
The sight of him snatching the breath from me as I stop my footing briefly to admire him.
Dressed in typical tailored slacks, jacket and tie absent, his starched light blue sleeves are rolled up his muscular forearms. It’s the sight of the bandage wrapping one of them that adds to the building sting.
A rocks tumbler dangles from the fingertips of one of his hands, the other hand tucked in his slacks pocket.
My heels sound on the porch that borders the mixed grasses he’s standing on before I stop short of reaching him and glance around.
“You ever going to use these new lounge chairs, Zo?” I joke lifelessly as he glances back at me, a smirk already on his lips.
“I’m a man of habit,” he releases easily, though his admission pains me.
The reason for his spoken habits increasing the sting inside, even as his arctic blues blanket me in familiar strength.
Including safety and comfort, which I can readily admit now I’ve always felt with him.
Even before and while I antagonized him.
Not only because of what we endured together before we truly started, and after—but despite it.
Because of the wisdom in his eyes that’s been there since he landed at my door—an insight that should never have resided in a boy so young.
One gained by losing his innocence far too soon due to enduring the evils of men—namely Ciro.
A wisdom he arrived with because of that evil, because of my father.
Though, it was that strength and knowledge that held me together as we endured one of the worst nights of our lives.
Both terrified and shaking, even then, he kept me safe within his gaze—through every second—as we were forced to do the unimaginable.
After all these years, and even during our long separation, his strength never once left me, remaining up to this moment.
“I am who I am now because of you,” I utter. “My God, Zo, what you’ve done for me, endured for me, and for Iggy, only for him to—” Tears form and fall freely, and I don’t bother to mask them. “My God, how you must hate me for it.”
“Never,” he assures.
“I will never be able to repay you for what you’ve sacrificed. I feel like I stole your life,” I croak.
“Is my life over?” he queries comically, palming his chest. “I don’t feel sick.”
“Don’t joke,” I beg. “Please, don’t joke right now.”
His eyes dim as he tilts his head in recognition. “Don’t speak it, ángel.” He sips his drink. “I know. I’ve always known. I knew the day you saw him, and how I hated him for it. Still do.”
“I was in love with you, faithful to only you.”
“I believe that.” His voice grows distant, his gaze in our shared past. “But we were never the same after that day.”
“I loved you,” I croak. “I cried for you for years. I still love you.”
“I know that, too.”
“Do you? Because I feel like I stole your life, and I still don’t know what will become of mine, but I refuse to let you waste any more of yours on me. You deserve to be happy, so much more than that, and I can’t hold you back from finding what you deserve any longer.”
His eyes roam over me for long seconds, the resigned dip of his chin barely perceptible before he turns to watch the last of the sun disappear. “So, you release me now?” His tone is ironic. “And you believe it’s so simple?”
Guilt consumes me, and I crack out my words. “Never. I’ll never, that’s—” I shake my head. “I can never let you go. You’ve been with me for most of my life, and I could never release you. You’re a part of me.”
Circling him, I take the drink from his hand and drain it in the hope it will bring some numbness.
His eyes remain fixed on the sunset as they continue to shimmer with hurt.
The sight of it cracking me wide as a sob bursts from me.
He flinches at the sound but keeps his gaze focused past my shoulder as we’re swallowed by an ethereal pink haze.
“This will never mean goodbye for me. Please, look at me.” I cry openly as he finally shifts his glistening, ache-etched blues to mine.
“Please, please don’t turn your back on me for good.
They love you,” I speak of Alexander and Macey.
“They need you—I need you,” I beg as the part of my heart that belongs to him begins a slow, painful shatter and panic starts to consume me.
“I know how selfish it is to ask, but please don’t let this be goodbye.
I-I won’t be able to b-bear it. I’ve lost everyone, I can’t lose you. Not you.”
“Never,” he whispers, taking my face in his hands as I give him every ounce of my deserved attention.
“I wanted so much for it to be you … I-I want to take it back already. I want to take it back right now.” My pain and panic speak for me, every word coming out as torn as I feel.
“I’m already jealous of whatever woman gets to have you.
I fucking hate her,” I admit honestly. “But I’ll endure whatever keeps you in my life, and one day, if y-you can forgive me—”
“Shh, ángel, no.” He shakes his head. “What we have, what we are, is forever. Nothing can take that from us or will … It knows nothing of goodbye.”
Unable to help myself, I lift and selfishly take that inch, pressing my lips to his.
He latches on instantly, sliding his fingers into my hair.
Angling my head, he swipes his tongue along my lips for entry, and I open immediately before he deepens the kiss.
As he sweeps my mouth wholly with his intoxicating tongue, a guttural mewl escapes as I clutch him to me.
Years of memories flooding in, only binding me further to him.
To the boy who taught me how to love with the black heart I was born with.
His steadfast heart the reason for the strength of my own.
It was his love that forged my heart to beat with the resilience of a survivor.
That taught me I’m stronger than the blood and fate I was cursed with, as I tried my best to do the same for him.
The two of us defying our dealt odds together, year after year, to become who we are now.
For better or worse. Because we loved one another through it, even while apart.
He kisses me for long seconds as we collectively grieve what could have been.
The kiss—the most beautiful and painful of my life—submerging me further in the love I still feel for him.
Grappling with the ache that continues to fuel the panic, I cling to him, to his kiss, just as a pained grunt leaves his throat and he pulls away.
His watering eyes dropping before he wordlessly turns and stalks toward his house.
Unable to bear it, his name rips from my throat as I palm my stomach.
At my cry, he stops his footing just outside the house, hands fisting at his sides, before entering and disappearing behind his curtains.
I stand for long minutes in his wake, crying hysterically and utterly paralyzed by pain as I grieve the loss of my cold blue shadow.
* * *
Face splotched, heart raw and aching, I chirp my car locked before walking through the courtyard gate, growing more exhausted with every step I take toward my villa.
Unable to look up at the guards who greet me as I approach, fighting tears as I give them a small dip of my chin in acknowledgment.
Still battling the guilt for my treatment of them before I freed them this morning.
It’s as they continue to greet me freely and without grudge that I forgive myself a little more, resting in the knowledge that they haven’t betrayed me.
More so in the truth that I am safe, if only for now.
It’s the ingrained sight of Alonzo against the setting sun, and the hurt in his eyes, that has me hastening my steps, which falter when I see Tyler standing in wait just outside my villa door.
Dressed in jeans and a thick black sweater, looking freshly showered, he peers back at me, his hands stuffed in his jeans as he sweeps me thoroughly, protectively, and more so, possessively.
Reading the heartbreak in my expression for long seconds before he speaks.
“I know you probably want space, but I had to lay eyes on you.”
“Like what you see?” I bite back bitterly.
“Your pain is mine, so don’t think for one second seeing you hurting like this in any way makes me happy. You two have a history I won’t ever dare try to fuck with, and know that no matter what happens between us, I will never ask you to eradicate him from your life. Not after all he’s—”
“He was my miracle,” I croak as his features twist in pain.
“I know.”
“How much will you cost me, Marine?”
Palming his neck, he tilts his head back, lifting his gaze to the star-filled sky.
“My only want now is your happiness, Larissa, and only time can prove that.” His focus slowly lowers back to my splotched cheeks.
“Jesus, I want so much to pull you to me right now, to ease your pain and wipe those tears away, even if it’s fucking killing me that they’re for another man. ”
“This doesn’t mean I’m—”
“Trust me, I know,” he counters roughly. “And don’t think I feel anything like a victor right now, because I know exactly what he’s feeling—” His words die as he weighs my expression. “Jesus, even I can feel how useless my words are. I’m sorry, I’ll go.”
He steps back, giving me a wide berth as I push open the door to my villa. Keeping my eyes lowered, I faintly catch his muttered “fuck” as I shut it.