Chapter 15
Fifteen
Jaclyn
Present
My body feels like it’s on fire.
The windows in the room are open and I’m only wearing shorts and a tank top. It’s not even that hot outside but I feel like I’m burning up.
It has nothing to do with the weather outside but the way that Hayden stares down at me like I’m the only thing he wants.
The way his eyes pierce through mine makes me think that he knows everything about me even though we haven’t seen one another in years.
His eyes are just like Junior’s which makes my heart clench.
Hayden has no clue he has a mini him in the world.
It makes me feel so fucking shitty but how else am I supposed to protect myself let alone Junior?
“Hayden-”
Hayden walks closer to me while looking down at me with those intense eyes of his. His eyes travel all over my face, admiring every tiny detail before he goes down to my body. I feel insecure as he looks at me like that, his eyebrows furrowing just a little before hiding his confusion.
Why is he confused?
His eyes then go to my arm where I have my Dexcom.
I know we stopped talking but I still wonder if he ever kept the Dexcom follow app on his phone.
I always had to squash that tiny little piece of hope, wondering if he still cares about me like that or just hates me.
While he admires me I take a good look at him.
He is wearing a suit, black dress shirt, black pants, and a black coat. I have never seen him wear a suit I don’t think.
And he looks damn good in one. To the point where I would want to see those clothes on my bedroom floor.
I look at the chain necklace around his neck and it looks like the same one he would always wear in college. His eyebrow piercing still gets to me because he always looked good with that damn piercing.
My eyes go down to his hands that are by his side. He has one single ring on his finger, more specifically his ring finger.
My stomach churns again for the millionth time this week.
That must be his wedding band. But don’t they do the bands at the ceremony?
I feel his hand on my cheek and he tilts my head up making me look at him. His hand feels warm on my cheek and I want to close my eyes and get lost in the feeling.
This is the first time in five years that Hayden has touched me like this. His hand on my cheek, his chest almost brushing against mine, and his breath so close to hitting my cheek.
I wish I could fall in his arms and be absorbed by him.
It would be so easy to drown in him.
But that little voice in the back of my head always ruins it.
Yea, you’ll drown in him but then eventually you’ll just become suffocated and won’t be able to breathe.
You want that to happen again?
“Hi,” Hayden whispers before looking down at my lips and meeting my eyes again.
“Hi,” I whisper back, not knowing what else to even say or do.
“You’re here,” he says before his lips turn into a small smile, so small you can barely notice it.
“I’m here.”
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I missed you.”
I missed you too.
More than you’ll ever know.
“Hayden-”
“Don’t ruin it,” he says, almost begging. “Seeing you at the fight fucked me up. I wanted to do and say so much to you but you looked fucking terrified.”
Because I didn’t expect to actually see you.
I thought the world was tricking me when I saw him in the ring in person that day. I felt like it was all just a dream because it happened so quickly.
But this?
The slow caress on my cheek, the soft breathing coming from both of us, the way he’s looking at me like he is starstruck by me.
“It’s just, I wasn’t prepared to see you,” I say softly. I force myself to back away, remembering why I’m here. He’s getting married. He can’t touch me like that. It looks like I fucking shot him when I back away from him. “You can’t do that, you know. Touch me whenever you want. You’re getting married.”
Hayden licks his bottom lip before biting the inside of his cheek, like he’s forcing himself to not admit something. “Don’t.”
I furrow my eyebrows at him. “Don’t what? Don’t mention your fiancé that you’re marrying in less than a month?”
“You don’t even know.” Hayden chuckles softly but he definitely doesn’t think it’s funny. “How was that first class ticket?”
My eyes widened. “You changed my seat?” I ask, and he nods his head. “Why would you do that? I was fine with the tickets that Natalia got me. Those first class tickets must have been expensive.”
“13K is pocket change,” Hayden shrugs.
“Bet your fiancé wouldn’t like that you did that,” I raise an eyebrow at him and cross my arms over my chest.
His eyes go to my boobs before meeting my eyes. “What I do is none of her business and never will be her business. I’m not hers.”
Then who do you belong to, Hayden Night?
Hayden takes a step closer to me and I take a step back.
We do this little dance until my back hits the wall. “What are you doing, Hayden?”
“Something I’ll probably get in a lot of trouble for.”
Hayden grabs my face in his large hands and pulls me against him.
My lips touch his.
I haven’t kissed Hayden in five years and after so long I thought I would never feel this anymore.
But he’s kissing me, his tongue instantly gliding against mine making me close my eyes and get lost in him.
The world finally pauses as he kisses me.
It’s just me and him and he’s stealing my breath away. His fingers caress my jaw as he kisses me like he needs me to live longer. Like I’m some potion and he’s in need.
His lips are still the same after so many years. Soft, plumped, and almost feel like they are mine.
I sigh into his mouth before pulling away. “Hayden.”
He rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes, breathing heavily. “You’re different.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve changed.” He lifts his head from mine and looks down at me with almost hurt in his eyes. “You’re more guarded. I don’t know how to get to you anymore.”
I feel like my heart’s been hit. Of course he would notice I’ve changed.
Everyone fucking changes.
“People change. That’s life isn’t it?”
Hayden shakes his head. “It’s different. You’re colder.”
I push him away from me lightly and walk away from between him and the wall. “Like I told you that night Hayden, the girl you knew from college died.”
Hurt flashes in his eyes and his jaw clenches. I look down at his hands and they are formed in a fist. “Then fucking tell me what happened instead of pushing me away. Let me help you.”
“I’m fine,” I lie.
That lie has been in my mouth since that night.
Pretty sure Brandon knows I’m lying. And my mom.
“Bullshit. You’re skinnier, to the point where it’s not fucking healthy. You have this dead look in your eyes like there is nothing there. And don’t even get me started on the bags under your eyes. It looks like you’re not even getting sleep. This isn’t the Jaclyn I know.”
“She’s fucking dead!” I yell, getting frustrated. Tears are threatening to spill from my eyes but I don’t let them. It feels like my heart is being squeezed so hard that it will crush and I’m just barely holding on. He doesn’t even know. He has no right to judge. He has no clue what I went through in that room and how I had to get some part of myself back. I went through hell and he doesn’t even know. “Don’t stand there and judge me. You have no clue what I went through in the past five years. You don’t know so don’t fucking stand there judging me and how I look. I’ll never let anyone ever do that to me again.”
Last time someone did that was my dad and I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone judge me or how I look after that.
I know I’m fucking skinner but that’s none of his business. I know I look dead but that’s because I feel like it almost everyday.
But that’s none of his business.
As if Hayden realizes what he did was wrong, his face changes to sympathy. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that or mean for it to come out like that. I’m fucking worried about you. I know your past with your eating and your diabetes. I’m fucking worried about you.”
“You have no right to be. That’s not your job anymore.” Hayden’s jaw clenches again and he puts his hand in his pockets. “You can’t kiss me again. You have a fiancé. You’re being disrespectful to her and me because I won’t ever come between a marriage and be the other women. Figure out your shit.” I grab my bag that fell on the floor at some point. I bend down and grab it. When I stand back up, Hayden is standing closer to me again. “Hayden-”
“I just wish things ended up differently,” he whispers. “I wish I could have saved you and been there for you. It’s been five years and somehow I can’t fucking get you out of my head.” He rests his forehead on mine.
I can’t help but let a tear fall down my cheek.
Because no matter how hard I try to push him away and pretend I’m okay, I’m not.
All I want to do is cry in his arms as he holds me and tells me that everything will be okay.
That I’m safe and that the black hooded man isn’t out to get me still.
Only Hayden can save me but he is also the one who ruined me.
Hayden presses his lips against my forehead. “Go,” he whispers.
I force myself away from him and leave the room.