4. Chapter 4
Iwheel my mom into the church, and for once, she doesn’t argue as we navigate through all the people. Stacy has a spot for us in the third row to the right, but we need to pay our respects to the family first, she tells me.
We continue up to the center of the church to where the Wards, including Talon and his wife, stand. We wait our turn, with my hands sweating on the chairs handles. I just have to make it through today, and then all of this will end. I feel a little guilty for my thoughts. This family has lost someone they loved, and Im worried about awkward encounters with my ex-boyfriends. We take a few minutes to get to the front of the line.
Im so sorry for your loss. Mr. Ward was a great man. my mom tells Tiffany.
Thank you for coming. The two women hug before Tiffany turns to me. The pictures you sent over this morning were amazing. I can’t wait to see more. I appreciate it, Tiffany tells me as she wraps me in a perfume-soaked hug.
Im so happy that you liked them. I’ll have the rest ready for you next week, I tell her.
She turns to Talon, standing next to her, but hes facing away from us and talking to a couple of older men. She grabs his arm to get his attention, and I try not to look up as I feel the heat of his gaze on my face.
Have you met Blake? She took those wonderful pictures last night, Tiffany says to him.
“Yes, I do know her. Its nice to see you again, he says in his smooth voice.
And this is his wife, Mia.”
Soon-to-be ex-wife, I think I hear Talon say, but I can’t hear much over the blood rushing in my ears.
The beautiful woman looks at him before giving me a brilliant smile. Nice to meet you. I love your dress, she says, sounding completely genuine.
I smile back at her, Thank you. Your hair is amazing. I wish I were brave enough to try a color like that.
Im not brave, just bored, she says, and we laugh a little. Talon looks between us in confusion.
Lets get to our seats, my mom says, and I roll her over to where Stacy is waiting for us. I get my mom settled, then take my seat. Ive talked to Foster and Talon and survived without falling apart—one more to go. I can do this.
Im still trembling when I sit on the pew in the seats Mrs. Thorne has saved for us. Were in the middle of the church, and Im second in from the aisle with an empty place waiting for Cole. I try to focus on the pastor droning on with his spiel, but my brain cant help wandering. First, I find Talon at the front, his hand clutching his wifes, but his eyes are dry, and his face is blank. Then I seek out Foster, who’s on the other side of the aisle and a few rows up. His eyes are red-rimmed, and he looks sad. Im horrified when he looks over at me like he felt my stare. He gives me a small smile, which I return before facing the front.
Flashbacks to my fathers memorial service, held a month after his death at this same church, strike me. Both my mom and I were healing from our injuries, and I had to be sedated to cope with my extreme emotions.
Lost in my dark memories, I barely registered the jolting of the bench when someone sits next to me. The faint smell of expensive cologne tickles my nose, and I look over. Grown-up Cole is a sight to behold. His body had always been bulkier than the other two, but now hes a wall of muscles. He barely fits in the space Ive left open for him, and his hard thigh presses against mine.
I scooch closer to my mom on my other side, and the movement draws his attention. He looks down at me with his sky-blue eyes. I remember them always sparkling when he looked at me, but now theyre so flat. I give him a shaky nod that he barely acknowledges before returning to the service.
The dismissal sets off anxiousness, causing a riot in my body. Cole is not impressed by me anymore, and it hurts. Tears come to my eyes, which I dont bother hiding because whats more appropriate for a funeral than crying?
Between this interaction and the memories of losing my father, I am losing my battle with anxiety. My heart feels like it will break out of my chest, and my vision gets blurry. I use the techniques my therapist has taught me to help drag myself out of these episodes, slowing my breathing and focusing on things around me. My vision clears, and my heart slows, but Im still shaky and overheated.
I need to use the restroom, I tell my mom and stand on unsteady legs. I practically crawl over Cole, mumbling an apology before I take off up the aisle.
In the empty ladies room, I soak some paper towels in cold water and wipe my face. When I feel calmer and more put together, I check myself in the mirror to ensure I havent destroyed my makeup. Collecting myself, I leave the bathroom and run into a warm body.
Stumbling backward, I meet the fierce green eyes as Talon looks down on me.
You okay there, Kitten? he asks me, his hands coming up to my arms to steady me.
The old nickname knocks the breath out of me, and I know Im just staring at him. How can I not when faced with the rockstar version of Talon Ward, and hes calling me Kitten?
I shake off the stupor, Im fine. I should be asking you that.
He rolls his perfect eyes at me. You should know better. He hadnt been much of a father to me in a long time. Im just here for appearances. The step monster would have thrown a fit if I hadnt shown up. I need to get back before she sends someone to look for me. Find me later? I nod, and he walks off. I forget all about my anxiety attack as I watch him stroll away. A deep need grows inside of me instead that I havent experienced in a very long time. My body still remembers him.
After the service, I push Mom to the car to drive to the cemetery. It’s almost over. Mrs. Thorne shoves Cole to help me get my mom settled in the car. I have been there supporting my mom through every step of her recovery, and she knows that. She wants Cole and me to occupy the same space. He follows us to my car and helps my mom into my passenger seat before packing her wheelchair for me.
I thank him, and he stands awkwardly staring at the ground.
“Im sorry about the accident and your dad. It sucks. He finally says, still not looking me in the face.
I grimace, and he raises his eyebrows. Ive heard that so many times today, and its starting to sound like bullshit.
I probably shouldnt have said that aloud, but its the truth. There was a time when I shared all my truths with Cole, and he would have done almost anything to be by my side through the worst experience of my life. Our families are so close, and I know he knew everything about what had happened. He never showed up at the hospital or even just made a call or sent a text.
I sigh, Im sorry for the outburst. Its been a long day. How long are you in town for?
Until tomorrow night. I have to get back and finish out the season. We have no hope of making the playoffs.
“You guys made a good run the last few games.
He looks surprised, Too bad its too late. The other teams are too far ahead for us to catch up in points. I didnt know you watched.
“I have for years, off and on.”
He looks uncomfortable. We say our goodbyes, and I get in the drivers seat of my car.
My mom studies me, You two have always been meant for each other.
I let out a very unladylike snort, Hardly. Is that why Cole dumped my ass at the first taste of freedom he got?
Pshhh, it was bound to happen. You both were so young and hadnt experienced much in life. Now you can come together and rediscover the adults youve become.
What if we dont like the adults weve become?
She dismissed me with a flick of her wrist like I was talking crazy.
Dont you and Stacy get your hopes up. Were bound to disappoint you both because Im not going back there, I tell her. I love you, Mom.
I love you too.
I feel guilty that I cant give her this one thing she wants out of life. Cole is no longer mine.
There was no way I could talk my mom out of the luncheon that Tiffany is hosting at her house after the funeral, though I tried my hardest. Im hiding in the corner of the living room at the Ward house, watching people come in and out. Its less wild than the parties that I used to attend here, but the scene feels vaguely familiar. My moms happily socializing with her friends, which I know she needs because she doesnt get out much, and I am trying to avoid anyone I might know. It feels too claustrophobic in here.
I head out the sliding door to the deck outside, then down the steps and rest against the side of the house. The smell of cigarette smoke wafts out to me, and I almost smile at the sense of deja vu. Can our senses keep memories, too?
Then Talon Ward is there, letting out a puff of smoke and studying me with his intense eyes. Ive always felt like prey to a stalking predator when he looks at me.
You found me, Kitten, he says, taking a drag.
I wasnt trying to, Mr. Anti-Social,” I snap.
That might be a lie because I can’t deny to myself that there’s a hum of pleasure through my body when I’m around him.
Well, I was here waiting for you. I knew youd come out sometime, he confesses.
I watch him take me in from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes. Im not the same awkward teenager. My body is curvier, my hips are rounder, and my breasts are fuller. His face says he appreciates the new me.
Tiffany told me about the accident you and your family were in. Im sorry about your father. Were you hurt?
I had some issues, nothing to worry about now.
Hows your mom? I noticed the wheelchair.
Shes had a long recovery but is the strongest person I know. How has being a rockstar treated you?
He grimaces, Some good and some bad. Its a lifestyle for sure.
It must be exciting. Getting to see all those different places worldwide and living your dream.
It’s not as glamorous as you think. On tour, we don’t spend much time sightseeing. We bounce from one concert to the next.
All those groupies throwing themselves at you must be fun, though.”
He takes another puff of his cigarette, It got old very quickly. I prefer the fans who care about the music, not just hooking up with me.
“Im happy you were able to achieve everything you wanted to, I tell him honestly. I know he worked hard on top of being incredibly talented.
I swear there’s a flush to his cheeks when he thanks me before we hear his name being called out. His wife, Mia, comes down the stairs.
There you are. Your stepmother and sister are looking for you. There are some guests she wants you to meet.
He rolls his eyes at her, making her laugh. Hey, dont kill the messenger.
You talked me into coming home, so its all your fault, he tells her.
Now its her turn to roll her eyes, I know you. You would have regretted not being here, and you know it.
I go back and forth, watching them banter until Mia notices me.
Oh, I didnt know you were out here with someone. She holds a hand, Im Mia Hoskins, this guys soon-to-be ex-wife.
I shake her hand, Blake Knox. A friend of Talons from back in the day.
Talon smirks at me but doesnt say a word. He turns to head back up the stairs. I better go and humor the step monster. I want to get through this.
Mia shoos him off and stays outside with me.
So, youre the ex? she asks me. Her voice and body language arent hostile. She seems genuinely curious.
Im an ex. Probably one of many. We dated before he left town, but it was nothing serious.
We met about a year later, and he was a mess. The sex, drugs, and rock and roll cliche.
He looks like he’s doing well now, I point out.
Hes done a lot of work to get himself where he is now.
You two seem to have an easy relationship. Are you really getting divorced? I ask hesitantly.
We just work better as friends. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else.
Its not me. We were just a summer fling.
It must have been a hell of a fling. I would have given my soul to have him look at me like that. She moves to go back up the stairs. Take care, and please take care of him. He deserves it. Im glad I got to meet you.
I sigh in relief when she’s gone. I need this day to be over because I cant handle any more of it.