13. Chapter 13
Isneak out of the house over an hour early the next morning, wanting to get there before the guys. I find my father’s grave in the cemetery and kneel before it. My heart is heavy. The years haven’t dulled the ache of missing him.
I wipe off some grass and leaves from my dads headstone. Hi, Daddy. I wish I had brought flowers with me, but I wasn’t thinking too clearly this morning. I know it’s been a while, but sometimes it hurts too much. I miss you. Mom is doing a lot better. Youd be so proud of how hard shes fought.
My voice is barely rasping out, and Im having difficulty getting past the lump in my throat. I havent visited the cemetery as often in the last couple of years. My fathers body may be in the ground, but I like to believe his spirit is with me all the time. I can understand others needing a physical place to connect with their dead loved ones, but its just not for me.
I hear footsteps behind me and turn to see Foster approaching. Talon and Cole are just behind him.
Can I join you? he asks, waiting for me to nod before kneeling on the ground next to me in his dark jeans. The other two remain standing.
I watch Foster read my father’s headstone, Im so sorry that I didnt come to his funeral. I wish I couldve been here for you. I didnt even know about it until months later.
I shrug, It was after…. everything. I didnt expect you to be there.
Just because I wasnt your boyfriend anymore doesnt mean you werent someone I cared about. Your dad was nice to me the few times I saw him. It was a terrible crash?
Yeah, head on. He was killed instantly. My moms back was injured, and I was banged up. A broken femur and a pelvis. Neither of us is quite the same.”
Im so sorry. I wish I would have known, Talon adds, his voice solemn.
Thank you, I tense when Foster’s attention turns to the headstone to the right of my fathers.
Dominic Allen Knox
February 12, 2018
If love could have saved you, you wouldve lived forever
An image of a pair of baby feet is engraved into the stone. Foster looks back at my fathers headstone again, probably noticing the date of death is the same. There are a million questions in his eyes when he looks up at me. I take a deep breath, trying to figure out how I want to tell this story.
With my eyes fixed on my son’s headstone, I start. I try to speak loud enough for them all to hear as I focus on the headstone. I was pregnant the day of the accident. I lost my baby while I was unconscious from my injuries.
Pregnant? Foster asks, with a croak in his voice. The others are quiet, maybe putting two and two together.
I nod, Six months.” I look at them all, “I got pregnant sometime at the end of that summer. He was one of yours.
None of them says a word. I stay quiet, waiting for them to process it. I watch Foster’s face crumple in devastation as he looks back at Dominics headstone.
My son? Why didnt you tell us?
I tried to the day I showed up on campus. I had taken the test the day before and hadnt told my parents yet. That didn’t go well.
I keep my tone flat and try not to lash out in anger. There’s no use in getting angry now. I still feel stupid for making that trip. Would things have turned out differently if I had just sent a simple text to each of them? Would the accident never happen? Ive played this what-if game with myself many times over the years.
Cole breaks his silence, his voice hostile. And you didnt think to try again? Not even a fucking text message or voicemail, just nothing until he was dead.
His anger triggers my own, and I stand to face them all. I knew enough of your guys’ lives to know that an ex-girlfriend popping up with a baby would ruin any of your lives. You all washed your hands of me. You don’t get to judge my actions afterward.” I get into Cole’s face, poking my finger in his chest. “I was a girl you had known your entire fucking life, and you tossed me away. Our son would have just been another inconvenience.”
“Would you have ever told us?” Foster asks, standing now with the rest of us.
My anger deflates, replaced by the deep sadness I get from losing my baby, Yes, of course. I was a teenager, and I was scared. You were all off pursuing your dreams, and I knew I could be ruining that for one of you three. I never wanted to kill your dreams.
He wouldnt have ruined anything. Our son would have only made life better, Foster says with conviction, pulling me into his arms.
The tears have been steadily streaming down my face, but that makes me sob. I collapse, and Foster takes my weight effortlessly. His tears touch my face..
“I need to get the fuck out of here, “Cole says and stomps his way back to his car, the one they all rode in.
Talon, who has been quiet this whole time, steps behind me and lays a hand on my back. I know apologizing can’t change anything, but I am deeply sorry you went through all that alone. I should have—no, we should have been with you every step of the way. He turns and follows Cole back to the car.
Foster gives me a squeeze. “Are you okay? Do you want me to drive you home?”
I shake my head, “No, I’m going to stay for a bit. I’m sure you all want to talk.”
“He looks me over and gently kisses my forehead before going back to the other guys. I kneel again as I hear their car pull away.
After I get back from the cemetery, I shut myself in my room for the rest of the day to avoid them all. I feel too raw to tackle an emotional talk with any of them. My brain has bounced from going completely blank to playing the what-if game, making me relive my worst memories. Its been a fun ride. I know this isnt healthy, and I promise myself that I’ll get out of bed and deal with it tomorrow.
I’m surprised they have all stayed away, except for the occasional text for proof of life. Foster left me some Chinese food on the stove and let me know they would vacate the kitchen so I could eat it. He makes it difficult not to fall in love with him.
A knock on the door drags me away from my spiraling thoughts. I say nothing, but the door opens anyway, and Foster walks in. Of course, its him, always taking care of me. He makes me smile.
Hey, pretty girl, I brought you something. I need you to sit up for me.
I oblige without a word, eager to see what he has. He hands me a pint of ice cream and a spoon.
Thanks. I open the container and dig in. Foster takes a tentative seat on the bed next to me. When I dont move to kick him out, he settles in next to me.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell him around a spoonful of fudge brownie goodness.
That’s fine,” he says. “Just know that I can never express how sorry I am for how I acted then. It was not a good time in my life, but that’s not an excuse.” He lets out a harsh breath and looks miserable.
“I forgive you,” I say, and he looks up at me with surprise written all over his face. “I’ve held onto this shit for years, and I can’t do it anymore. I want to move past all of it. And here I am talking about it.”
I take another bite and moan at how good it tastes.
“You’re killing me,” Foster grunts.
We’re quiet as I finish off the container. He takes it from me and stands to take it downstairs.
“Cole was so angry with me. Is he okay?”
Foster shrugs, “I don’t know. He’s holed up in his room too. Apparently, you have matching coping skills. Can you do me a favor and not take what he says right now too personally?”
“How do I do that? He very personally attacked me.”
I know, but I promise you the vitriol that comes out of his mouth is not how he feels about you. Cole has a lot of shit going on in his life right now, and hes not handling it well.
And thats my problem? We all have shit.
Im not trying to defend his actions. Im just trying to soothe your hurt. He used you as an outlet for his current frustrations, and that’s not fair.
Youre being vague as fuck. Whats going on with Cole? I thought he was happy that he has a chance with the Dragons?
He is, but its also tentative. There’s other stuff, too, but it’s not my story to tell. If he wants to explain, then thats up to him. Hes only been living here for a few days. If you want to avoid him and have nothing to do with him, I will fully support you.
Youd cut your best friend off?
He leans down and kisses my temple, For mistreating my girl? Absolutely. I only ask that you try to hear him out if he wants to talk calmly and respectfully. If he doesnt, then fuck him.
He lays the gentlest of kisses on my lips before leaving my room. I feel all the warm and fuzzy feelings when I cuddle back into bed. The visit calms my battling brain enough that I can turn on the television in my room and find a movie to stream. When the film is over, Im exhausted. I dont know how because I havent done anything all day. I turn everything off, send goodnight messages to both Foster and Talon and turn over for sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night, the sound of my bedroom door opening wakes me. Someone, probably Talon, slips quietly into my room and crawls into bed behind me. When they curl themselves into my body, I know it cant be Talon because Im pulled against a much broader chest. It must be Foster, but that doesnt feel right either.
I feel breath on my neck and hear a soft Im sorry.
Its Cole who has snuck into my bed.
When my alarm rang the next day, he was gone, and the bed was cold. Maybe I had dreamt the whole thing. Weve done an excellent each other the week since that night, between his training and my work schedule. If he wants that to change, he’ll need to seek me out.
My shifts at the florist have become shorter and more sporadic, so I’ve started focusing on building my online presence with my photography. I sit with my laptop on my bed and go through the photos in my portfolio. I don’t have a ton, but hopefully, it will be enough.
The bed shakes as Foster flops down next to me. ”I love those pictures. She was adorable,” he points out the newborn pictures I took of Cora.
“She was a breeze to shoot. Slept the entire time and let me move her in any position I could think of. Too bad she won’t stay still for more than five seconds now,” I tell him.
“You need to get these onto social media. I built a solid following before I hired someone to do that all for me. I can help you out,” he offers.
I smile at him, “I’d appreciate that.”
I let him take the reigns as he sets up my accounts and helps me choose my best work to showcase. I have no qualms about stalking others on the web, but putting myself out there feels weird.
He scrolls through some of the pictures I’d taken for Talon since I’d moved in. “These should go up, too. They’re amazing.”
“I should ask Talon first,” I say.
“Ask Talon what?” the man himself asks as he lounges on the bed on my other side. He has also been absent recently, and we haven’t had any deep conversations.
“If she can put some of the pictures she took of you on her photography accounts,” Foster answers him.
“That’s a great idea. Make sure that I’m tagged in them. I’ll have her tagged on my account, too. ”
Foster nods and gets to work on that. “I have the pictures you took of me, and I bet even Cole would let you take some of him. He owes you. We all have avid followings.”
“Of females,” I point out.
“Who will get married and have babies of their own,” Talon adds.
“Good point,” I concede. “But what are the chances they’re from around here?”
“Why limit yourself to just working here? You could travel all over the world for your craft,” Talon points out.
I roll my eyes at him, “I’m not a musician, just a photographer. One of millions of them. I’d be happy if it could just pay my bills and live comfortably.”
“Do you need a studio to work out of?” Talon asks as we watch Foster work.
“That would be awesome for portrait sessions, but I can work outside. The weather will hold for a while.”
“I can have a studio built in the basement. There’s a spare room down there that isn’t being used.”
“This housing is just temporary,” I remind him.
“Fine, then, in the new house. I’ll call the builders and update the plans.”
I shove him in the arm, “You can’t change your house for me. We might hate each other by the time it’s built.”
He shakes his head, “Bullshit. I’d never hate you. I’ll get on it right now.”
He jumps from the bed and leaves the room before I can argue with him anymore. When I look back at Foster, he’s watching me with a goofy smile.
“He’s crazy,” I tell him.
“Nah, he’s just crazy about you, Kitten.”
I groan, “That’s so cheesy.”
“Maybe, but no less the truth. We both are. Get over it. Let’s finish this up. I feel the need to eat something cheesy now,” he quips.
I can’t help but laugh. “I love you.” I go still.
That had snuck out of my mouth.
I look up at Foster in a panic and watch a brilliant smile bloom on his face.
He walks back to me and takes my face in his hands. “I love you too, pretty girl.” He gently kisses my lips, “Now lets get a snack. I’m hungry.”
There goes this being casual.