27. Chapter 27
Iwake up the next morning in an unfamiliar room and look around, trying to get my bearings. There are a few band posters on the walls. Across the room, there’s a bookcase with many trophies. Above the small bed I’m lying in, there’s a hockey stick and a jersey on the wall. I slept in Cole’s childhood bedroom, and it hasn’t changed since high school. Memories from the day my destroyed car and the big pregnancy reveal flood my brain.
I’d walked out of Cole’s room, and packed myself a small suitcase. Emma picked me up and brought me here so I could be with my mom. I locked myself in this room to process. I never talked to any of the guys on my way out. My phone has been turned off and I refuse to have any contact with them.
A knock on the door has me sitting up. “Come in,” I call but regret it immediately when Cole walks in. He must read my grumpy expression because he holds his hands up in surrender, showing me the keys in one of them.
“I’m just bringing your car keys. We had your car taken care of, and I brought it here for you.”
“How did you get it fixed so fast?”
He shrugs, “Talon knew a guy. I have no idea how he worked the magic so quickly, but it looks great. Cost a fortune, not that it matters.”
“Thanks,” I tell him, feeling odd that I’m lying in his bed.
“Nothing to thank me for. My mom’s going to take me back to the house. Is there anything you need?”
“Answers,” I say because all I’ve been doing since I left is driving myself crazy with all the questions I want to ask all of them.
Cole sits in the office chair in front of his computer desk, on the other side of the small room from me. He looks down at his hands instead of at me. “Ask away.”
“Why did you lie? And don’t give me any shit about how I never asked if your ex-girlfriend was pregnant, so you never actually lied.”
“Because I was scared and selfish and stupid. I don’t know how to be a father, especially co-parenting with that she-devil who’s only wanted me as some kind of status symbol. I knew you wouldn’t want me if I were having a kid with another woman. I kept telling myself it wasn’t the right time. I needed to wait a little longer until we were more solid.”
“Is that why you’ve taken our relationship so slow?” I ask, starting to piece this puzzle together.
“Yes, I knew I wanted you back when I saw you at the funeral. But then everything happened, and I tried to push you away. I should have known that wouldn’t work.”
He’d lied to me for months, knowing it was wrong, and involved my other two boyfriends in the deception. It was now up to me to process that and make my decisions.
“What do you plan to do if the baby is yours?” I ask him, curious about where his head is at.
“I’ve barely let myself think about it. I’m tempted to pay her off and send her on her way. I don’t want to be with her again, and I’ve made that crystal clear to her and her family.”
“You can’t leave your child like that. I know you too well. You might feel that way now, but you’d regret losing your relationship with him. You don’t have to be with her to be a dad.”
He looks up at me, his sky-blue eyes sad. “The only person I’ve ever seen myself raising a family with is you.”
That makes me cry, “When I imagine what Dominic would look like, I’d see him with your bright blue eyes and curly brown hair. I always felt like he was yours, even though it could have been any of you.”
“I wish he could have been, and we would have raised him together. I would have married you in a heartbeat. I love you, Blake, and I never stopped. I know I fucked it up for us, but don’t take my mistakes out on them. They deserve to have the best, and that’s you. They were just trying to be loyal friends.”
He turns towards the door, “I’m going to go. I’m leaving for an away game tomorrow if you want to return to the house. I’ll find a new place when I get back.”
I’d made plans to go and stay with Emma tonight. She was excited to have a sleepover like the old days.
“Bye, Blake,” he says, hesitating like he wants to say more, but instead, he walks out and closes the door behind him.
After Cole leaves, I venture out of the room and find my mom sitting on the couch in the living room, watching the television. She pauses whatever it is when she sees me and pats the seat next to her.
“They’re gone,” she says as I sit down.
I lay my head on her shoulder. I had avoided any conversation about why I’d ended up at their front door. But now I was ready to talk. It was not a secret. I knew my mom knew everything. She’d probably known about Hannah’s pregnancy all along.
“Did you know?” I ask her, cutting to the chase.
“I knew the girl was pregnant. I didn’t know that you didn’t know.”
That’s not surprising. In the months since we’d moved apart, I’ve been so busy with work and my boyfriends that we hadn’t seen each other much. I was neglecting her, which was shameful. I knew firsthand how quickly life could change. I had almost lost her once.
“I’m sorry I haven’t visited often.”
“Don’t worry about it. I know you have a lot on your plate right now.”
“But you’re my only family. You should be my top priority.”
“You’re also building your own complicated family. That takes a lot.”
“I don’t know about that. Can I build something with them when they’ve lied? How do we come back from that?”
“Only you and them can answer that, but I think you have some questions to ask yourself, starting with deciding their motivation behind the lies. Did any of them lie to hurt you purposely?”
I shake my head, “No, it wasn’t a malicious lie.”
“Then it might not be as dire of a situation as you think.”
“Maybe, but I still need to think it through,” There’s still a lot more about this whole situation I need to work out, but it can wait. I have something else to talk to her about, too. “Do you like living here? Our money situation is getting better. Would you want to get another house or find something to rent for the two of us?”
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me in the years since the accident. I’m good living here with Stacy. I don’t have to worry about caring for a house and yard and all of that. It’s time for you to decide what your future will be.”
“I don’t know anything about my future,” I whine. “Just when I think I have it all figured out, life comes along and fucks it up.”
My mom chuckles, “It does have a habit of doing that to everybody. You finally are close to having the career you dreamed about. That’s a positive.”
“But my love life is a complete mess.”
“There’s no deadline to get that right. You love them, and they love you. The rest is just details.”
“But is love enough?”
“Only you can decide that.”
I growl in frustration, making her laugh again. I haven’t heard her laugh much in the years since we lost Dad. I didn’t realize how much I had missed it.
“I think I should move out of their home. Living together while growing the relationship has put too much pressure on us.”
“If that’s how you feel, then it’s valid, and you should stand firm with them.”
“I don’t know if that’s the way I feel. I can’t tell how I feel besides feeling betrayed.”
“That’s natural, especially considering how the relationship ended in the past. That kind of trauma leaves someone with trust issues. Take your time and think this through but talk with them about it.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She kisses me on the top of my head as I snuggle into her to watch television.
Done? Cora asks me from her seat at the dining table in Emmas kitchen. Were both staring at the oven timer, waiting for our last batch of cookies to be done. Baking has been a stress reliever since I was barely older than her. I needed the distraction today, knowing I must return to the guys house tonight after spending three nights away.
Two minutes left, munchkin, I tell her. But you can have some of these other ones. Do you want milk to go with them?
Yes, please.
I find a small plastic cup, pour milk for her, and grab some cooled cookies from the rack. I set the cookies and milk in front of her. She looks up and gives me a dimpled smile and her thanks.
You cant tell Mommy I let you eat so many cookies, or shell never let me babysit again, I tell her, making her giggle.
When Matt was called into work early this morning, Emma was in a bind because she had clients booked. I volunteered to watch Cora for a few hours, knowing it was the least I could do after theyd let me crash on their couch the last two nights. I was still avoiding returning to the house, still unsure of what I wanted to do.
Cora scarfs down the cookies on her plate while I clean up the mess we’ve made in the kitchen. Cookie dough flung on everything when Cora lifted the hand mixer beaters out of the bowl, and flour was on just about every surface, including Cora and me. Her giggles were worth the nuisance of cleaning.
Emma comes through the front door before I can change us both out of our messy clothes. She gives a dramatic sniff of the air.
Something smells delicious in here, she says.
We made cookies! Cora yells and meets her as she comes in. Emma sets down her makeup case to scoop the little girl in her arms.
She looks at me over her daughters head, You okay?
She knows that my baking binges mean I’m having processing issues with my emotions.
I nod, Getting better.
Good. She sets Cora back down. You need to go change out of these clothes, baby girl. There is flour everywhere, and I see some chocolate smears on those pant legs.
Cora runs down the hallway to do as her mom asks, and Emma turns to me.
Thank you so much for today. Im glad I didnt have to take her to my moms or daycare. It looks like the two of you had fun.
Shes adorable, and we had a blast. Anytime I can help out, I will.
Im going to hold you to that. Especially soon.
What do you mean? I ask her. My stomach has already dropped, sensing what shes about to say.
Im pregnant. Three months along now, she tells me.
I keep my face blank while I absorb this. All these years later, it doesnt feel like this should hurt anymore. But it does. It hurts so bad knowing I lost out on so much with my child.
I give Emma a brittle smile, and I open my arms for a hug.
Im sorry. she starts, but I stop her.
Do not apologize to me. Im so happy for you, Matt, and Cora. Your family is beautiful and thriving. Congratulations.”
Thank you, but I do worry. Youve had a lot of knocks lately. I don’t want to pile on top of it.
I pull away and look her in her face, Is that why you didnt tell me sooner?
Not just that. You know its best to wait until after the first trimester.
Maybe announce it to distant family members and acquaintances, but not your best friend. Im sorry that you felt you had to hide it from me. I love you and will support you in every way.
She pulls me back in for another hug, I know. I love you, too. Are you staying for dinner now that you’ve stuffed my kid full of sweets?
Sorry, bestie. Its time for me to confront my issues head-on. And that hurricane of a child is all yours now. What are aunties for?
I collect my things, give Cora the biggest hug and kiss, and leave to face the men Ive been avoiding for days.