12 | Sinking
?? ?????? ??
I reach down to grab more ingredients, restocking the shelves in the back as the quiet noise of the cafe bleeds through the open door. When it swings shut it muffles almost entirely again and I'm left half-crouching with only the dim, flickering light overhead.
It's hard for me to focus on what I'm doing when my head seems much more attached to other recent events. I swear I'm going to lose my mind if I can't learn to just chill out, stop having all my thoughts moving at a million miles an hour.
There's Nolan, obviously, but even that problem has faded. Our weird conversation has him staying true to his word, seeing as I haven't seen him. But I don't think I was going to anyway.
Does that mean I'll just have to wait until I inevitably bump into him? Wait to see if he talks to me or ignores me like we've never met at all?
Without him here, near me, I can't really grasp any part of that situation. And I shouldn't want to anyway, I want him away from me where he can't fuck with my head.
What's really been driving me insane is that fucking car.
That red, creepy car and its faceless finger-gun driver.
I don't know if I'm making it up, the memory is so hazy I can barely see it.
But it had to have been real. The tight feeling in my chest, the paralysing wave of stillness, my heart thumping in my ears - that was all real.
But what the fuck even was that?
Who is he?
"I'm going to need you to speed up," Mina's voice cuts through sharply as she enters, noise from the cafe now loud in my ears again, "You've got to be back on the register in ten."
"Yeah, of course," I say, dragging my brain back into the present, "I'm almost done."
She throws a winced smile, like it hurts for her to be anything other than stressed. I personally don't think she's capable of it.
"Is that the last of the Christmas stock?"
I nod, hands working a littler harder to stock the various packets because I may have lied slightly about being almost done. Christmas hasn't even been on my mind, at all. It's almost two weeks away and I haven't even bought any presents. Shit.
Mina nods at me again before turning to leave, her black, wavy bob hanging down just past her chin. Just as her hands move against the rim of her circle-shaped, silver glasses I find myself saying something.
"Wait, Mina!"
She turns back, frowning. I immediately wish I hadn't spoken because I forgot how intimidating she can be. But still, something in me persists, hesitance stirring in my stomach.
"Is it alright if I don't lock up tonight?"
I haven't seen that car again, not since the photoshoot, but every time my eyes meet the road, any line of cars, I'm convinced it'll be there. That voice rings, growls in my ears. The last time I locked up is when it stalked me, when my eyes saw that hand slung over the door.
It feels so stupid to admit but I'm genuinely afraid that it'll turn up again, follow me again. I'm half convinced I'm making this all up but the fear is real. I don't want to be left here alone with someone who might actually be stalking me.
"Please," I add, abandoning my attempt to not sound desperate, "Something has... come up. A family thing. I just need to leave my shift a little early."
My boss scans my face, no crack of emotion through her stilled eyebrows and narrowed eyes. I'm pretty convinced she'll say no, or at least get me to explain this family thing I've randomly come up with.
"Fine," She huffs eventually, lifting a stern finger up to point at me, "You're lucky I have to stay late today to finish some paperwork. But this is a one off, Ava, you know I hate short notice like this."
I nod back, "Yes, I know, thank you, really."
"Now hurry up, I need you on the register."
The last few hours pass slowly, but familiarly, like they always do when I'm working. There's a few regulars, small talk with people who always end up here on the same days. I make the same coffees with the same machines until the whirring noise barely exists to me.
I give Mina another appreciative thank you as I grab my stuff half an hour early, pulling on my coat to protect me from the cold. The temperature has also swept into gusts of mildly strong wind, swirling piles of dead leaves round in circles.
I'm happy to remember how close I parked my car when I leave, I've made a point of it since I had to run for my life the other day. My fingers grip the cold metal of the handle, about to pull it open when, almost on instinct, I look up again.
I don't know if it's just my lingering fear or I actually get that feeling like someone's watching me but my gaze is across the quiet street before I'm thinking about it.
And the one thing I've dreaded is staring back at me.
It's still far, still lurking in the shadows, but it's there. It's fucking real. Though this time no arm hanging out the side, just the still body of the red, mechanical monster.
Sickness rushes to my gut, feet achingly stuck to the ground. I can't move, can't form any thoughts. This isn't a coincidence, isn't a dream or something I'm making up, this is real. I feel my fingers grip my arm, pinching the skin inside my jacket. And it hurts.
I'm actually being fucking followed.
I don't even remember getting inside my car and starting the engine but I clearly do, my breath heavy in the air, maybe even trembling. I can't decipher any thoughts except one thing, something I probably should've fucking considered after the second time.
I need to tell someone about this.
Riley, my mom, my friends... the police? It feels stupid though, what are the police going to do? I know nothing about cars, I could never describe it. And I don't want to get close enough to read the license plate or model.
It doesn't matter yet anyway - I just need to get this out my own head and figure out some fucking reason why a crazy person is after me.
When I get home I don't go anywhere near my own house, head spinning. I don't want to burden my mom with this, not yet at least. I can tell Riley, trust her to calm me down. I can feel everything splitting in my chest, heart against my ribcage.
I slip round the back, hands pushing open the back door I'm so used to. And when I glance up there's two people I recognise, standing at the island together.
"Ava!" Kat grins, waving like a child, "We were waiting for you to get off work, thought it wasn't for another half hour?"
"I... I left early," I say, caught off guard by her presence.
I should be speaking, blurting everything out, but I can't seem to. I feel insane suddenly, some strange emotion pumping through my veins. Maybe I'm overreacting. I should wait a minute, let them speak before bombarding them with this information.
"We've made plans with the guys to go out tomorrow night," Riley smiles, gesturing for me to come and stand beside them, "That bar that used to serve us drinks underage at the karaoke nights, Mitchell's bar or something."
"Good times," Kat murmurs back, sighing with slight nostalgia.
I don't say anything, moving a little closer over to them. My breath steadies in my chest, at least momentarily distracted by their words hitting me. Riley's in that mode where she speaks at a million miles an hour and you'd be an idiot to try and find an opening to interrupt.
"Anyway, we thought it'd be best to talk..." She sighs, exchanging a look with Kat, "About Cole."
Kat groans almost immediately, "I don't know why we're inviting him, he's going to get fucked again."
Her words might seem a bit insensitive but Kat's bluntness is never really harmful. It's just honesty, and we all know she does really care about him, as much as they pretend to hate each other. They've been friends for a long time, way before we met them.
But I can't be thinking about Cole right now.
I go to open my mouth, hoping Riley's moment of pondering will give me an opening to say something along the lines of hey so I think I'm being stalked by a crazy person but I pause, realising I actually have no idea what to say and that sounds fucking stupid. How do I even phrase this?
"We can't just exclude him," Riley argues back, flapping her arms dramatically, "That'll just make him feel even worse."
"I know, I know," Kat mumbles, eyes flicking down to the table. Some mask in her voice slips a little, sounds more real almost, "This just really sucks for him. I don't want him end up like, I don't know...."
The air stills and I feel the silence filling up my lungs slowly. I should be talking, should be interrupting but it still feels wrong. I should probably wait for them to finish talking about this, or least let the hurt pass over their faces.
"You don't want him to end up like my brother?" Riley offers, though I don't think Kat was even going to say that.
She frowns, rolling her eyes as if to say no, not like your stupid brother.
"No, I just wish we could get through to him without pushing him away..." Kat turns to me, finally acknowledging how I'm hovering beside them, "What do you think?"
I glare at the both of them, two sets of brown eyes bearing into me. I don't know what I think about anything. Riley's half-collapsed over the island, pushing her face up on her hand as some expression passes through her brows.
"Are you okay?" She frowns, easily recognising whatever expression my face has twisted into.
"You look like you're about to pass out," Kat chimes in unhelpfully, but she does also seem concerned.
I gulp down the lump in my throat, my vocal cords finally co-operating and catching up with the chaos in my head. I just need to tell them, it's not a big deal... well it kind of is, but explaining this shit to my best friends is not as difficult as I'm making it seem.
I shake my head gently, "There's something I need to tell you, it might sound stupid but I think-"
I'm cut off by the sound of my own phone ringing.
Riley immediately reaches over to pull it out of my pocket, glancing at the flashing screen before twisting it round to face me with an intrigued frown. No caller ID.
"Scam call probably," She huffs, pushing it into my palm, "What were you saying?"
"No!" Kat rushes to say, "Maybe if it was a random number, but I've had friends turn off their caller ID then forget to switch it back. It could be someone you know, just answer it."
I stare at the both of them, unsure who could be calling me,or why they decided now was the best time to do it.
"Hurry, before it stops ringing," Kat mumbles, blinking at me.
I snap out of whatever daze I'm in, answering the phone and slipping out of the room into the hallway. I hope this is a scam call, I don't even know who else it would be.
"Hello?"
The line crackles, static for a moment. I think it's silence but I eventually hear something, a low heavy breath. It spikes a little, like it can barely believe I answered.
"Hello?"I repeat, frowning into the empty hallway.
There's a small noise, like someone shuffling, sitting up maybe, before...
"Hi... Ava..."
The voice is so recognisable I almost throw up on the spot.
There's no fucking way.
Dad?
"I... I can't believe this is really you," He murmurs, "I hadn't expected you to pick up...I didn't even know if I had the right number."
The room is spinning, heat crawling up my chest as something pokes its way into my stomach.
I'm blinking, hard, but I can barely feel it.
Everything is breaking, going numb, all my muscles stiffen like a reflex.
I thought my burning fear earlier was bad enough, this is much, much worse.
My dad. My actual fucking dad. He's calling me, acting like he can just appear back in my life. And now I feel fucking sick again, like I used to before he left, like I did when he left. I can practically feel my brain whirring like cogs in a machine.
"You don't have to say anything... I understand."
I couldn't even if I tried, my throat has swelled shut.
"You- you're probably wondering why I'm calling you... after all these years..." He continues, slow, uneven pauses breaking up his sentences, "I know you probably thought I wouldn't ever call at all."
I didn't. I didn't want him to. I'd made peace with it as much as I could, I never let him enter my headspace, my thoughts. He's not worth it. Six and a half years of pushing my memory of him so far off a cliff he might as well not exist to me.
But now he's here, speaking to me.
"How did you...?" The fragmented words barely leave my mouth, "My number... you....how?"
There's a small pause. It feels like an eternity.
"I have a friend... " He grumbles, "Someone...good at finding people."
He got someone to track me down?
I don't know which part of his sentence hurts me the most. The fact he went out of his way to find me even though I never want to see him again, the fact he still has friends who can do shit like that. Those friends, that life... he's still clinging to it.
"How I found you... it isn't important. What matters is I'm almost out, better,"His voice is strained, like he's forcing it to be steady, "There are still some loose ends but... I- I just wanted to know that you're safe."
The words don't even sound real. Worse than that, they sound too fucking familiar. The things he would say to mom, convince her of, force her to believe when she knew he would never change. He was always getting better, always had loose ends.
I can barely breathe, it's like deja vu has it's hands wrapped around my throat.
"No..." Squeaks out of me, like it's coming from a different person.
"I just needed to know that I could come back to you... when these people are out of my life, I will come back to you, know that-"
"No, no, no..."
"I love you, Ava, I-"
I hang up.
I don't even realise I've done it until the air echoes silent. My finger is clenched against the screen, heart pounding in my ears. Everything is so far away.
I'm too stunned to cry, to even begin searching for tears.
Why the fuck would he call me? How could he?
And he's still around bad people, still running from things that are the consequences of his own actions. He said he wanted to know if I was safe, that I was still here. As if I would ever welcome him back into my life.
But then something in my brain clicks.
That car. Is it to do with my fucking dad?
The shit he got himself wrapped up in, the people he got involved with?
Is that why he's calling to ask if I'm safe, because he's worried all his bullshit has finally breached the confines of his own life?
Last time people got hurt because of him it cost him everything.
My mom didn't tell me much but I knew enough, seeing as it flipped our lives upside down. I wasn't young enough to be naive. And I wouldn't be surprised if he'd managed to piss off a psychopath at some time during his fucked up life.
It seems insane, but it's the only thing that makes any sense.
But, If I am right, then I can't tell my friends. I can't tell anyone.
I don't talk about my dad, about what he was like, about why he's no longer in my life. Mom never wanted to either, she wanted to have her life, not one derailed by my stupid father.
This person, whoever they are, hasn't done anything to me, not yet at least. And if they're dangerous I don't want to piss them off even more by doing something stupid.
Unless I actually feel properly threatened then I can't rip off that bandaid, can't bring up that shit to my mom. She'll stress herself to death. And my friends don't need to know, they never did. I don't need to worry them.
After another minute I manage to regain composure a little, breathe until the pattern is back to normal. My hands steady, ability to speak floods back. It's easier to mask because I did it back then, when he left. And now I have to do it again.
When I re-enter the room I give the first excuse I can think of, "It was my mom, calling from a work phone."
"See," Kat sighs, "That's why you've always gotta pick up."
Riley ignores her, "Look, we decided we'll talk to Cole after tomorrow night."
"We're staging an intervention."
Riley spins her head fully over to Kat, gently thumping her in the arm, "It's not an intervention... it's just a talk, a push in the right direction."
Kat shrugs, "He's gonna be hungover as shit but maybe he'll actually listen for once."
I nod, acting as if I'm paying full attention, "Sounds good."
"Oh, and what were you saying before?" Riley adds.
"Oh..." My mind buffers a bit. Shit. "It was nothing, I thought I couldn't come out with you guys tomorrow but I can now."
"Hmm okay," She narrows her eyes, ""Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, just had a long day," I say, pushing a smile onto my face.
A very long day.
?? ??