13 | Silent Eyes
?? ?????? ??
I haven't had the urge to drink this much since I was 16.
It used to help me sleep, for a while anyway. I was always a bit of a lightweight so I didn't need that much to throw me into a hazy drunkenness, where my head would float away and I'd sink into my mattress away from anything else.
It was only for a year and half, I never told anyone.
I wonder sometimes if Nolan ever played a part in that, watching him stumble around with seemingly no care for anything around him, destructive but in a sense, free.
Maybe I copied him, absorbed his stupid coping methods. Something like that.
It helped me forget about my dad anyway. It seems like that mindset, no matter how buried, easily resurfaces the second life wants to thrust my past into the present.
"Fuck," Cole murmurs beside me, "This place hasn't changedat all."
"You don't know that, maybe they don't serve alcohol to minors anymore?" Alex offers, a quiet voice only I seem to hear.
I glance towards him and he flashes a lazy smile back before staring at my face, scrunching his brows apprehensively.
"You good?" His voice is a low rumble in the bustling room.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I wonder if it sounds like I'm lying, my tone a bit too flat, "Why wouldn't I be?"
He shrugs, dark hair clouding his forehead, "You seem distant."
I feel distant.
"I'm tired," I say, dismissively, "And I need a drink."
"Copy that," Cole practically growls, heading straight for the bar with a wide grin spread across his face.
Me and Alex trail after him, shoulders squeezed closer together as we push through a crowd.
Music filters through the speakers, groups of people sat in the booths and perched on the wooden tables throughout the room.
Chatter drowns itself into a mismatched blur, mixed with the occasional yell, a clinking of drinks, rumbling laughter.
Drinks are ordered and I have a beer in my hand soon enough, the liquid sliding down my throat without any resistance.
Way too easily, enough that I should probably be concerned.
But Riley and Kat arrive, running over and pulling me into a sloppy hug, then they've got drinks and it feels stupid to think much at all.
We talk for what feels like forever, more my friends rambling at me while I listen and nod my head.
Everything I drink makes it a lot easier to joke about Riley's co-worker or Alex's dad and not think about the other things consuming my life.
It even almost feels like we're in high school again, especially when Cole insists he's amazing at darts and loses twice in a row.
He's always had astounding confidence for someone who loses at everything.
I'm not sure how much I've drunk when Riley comes bounding over to me, tray in her hands and sloppy smile across her face. My eyes flick down to all the small glasses filled to the brim with sloshing liquid.
"Shotsssss!" She squeals, nearly missing our table entirely and only just saving them from smashing into the floor.
Cole and Kat reach over almost immediately, arms almost tangling together. Alex, as usual, is more quiet, but he seems happier today, more at ease. I'm the last after Riley to grab my glass, condensation resting on my fingertips.
"We have to cheers to something!" Riley insists, pausing everyone before they drink.
"We do?" Cole whines, throwing his head back, "Fuck... to getting shitfaced!"
He goes to drink but Riley shoots her arm out to stop him, "Don't be a fucking idiot." She's talking about his toast idea, mainly, but I see a flash of something else in her eyes. Worry.
"To us?" Alex says, his voice surprising us all. He knows it's a slightly corny suggestion.
But Riley nods, a satisfied smile on her face, "Yeah, to us."
Our glasses all clink together before the liquid burns its way down the back of my throat. I wince, let that rush pass, and then I'm back to that fluttery feeling, where it feels stupid to care about anything at all.
All I want is for it to stay like this, keep getting better. As far away from how I normally feel as possible.
?? ?????????? ??
The heavy, warm air of the bar has already started to creep up my arms in the few minutes I've been inside, causing me to pull off my jacket and let my bare arms fall out the white t-shirt hanging loosely over my torso.
Heat gathers at the top of my forehead fizzing behind my ears as my fingers clutch my glass, reaching up to take another greedy swig. It feels familiar, something I know how to navigate.
When my eyes flick beside me they catch Honey's black top, it falls off one shoulder and tickles the waist of her skirt, highlighting her olive skin. I gaze over the bracelet draped around her wrist, up to her chest, and then to her inquisitive green eyes, already stuck to mine.
She looks really good, it was the first thing I said when I first saw her. I almost go to tell her again, but her pupils have widened at something behind me, lips curling into a grin.
"They have karaoke!"
I spin half my torso to catch a gruff man with a thick beard messing with an old karaoke screen, two mics standing beside him in the corner of the room.
"Can you sing?" Honey gushes, gently grabbing my shoulder and spinning me back to face her.
I splutter a laugh, wondering how serious she actually is, "Do I look like I can sing?"
She pulls an exaggerated thinking face, pushing away one strand of hair that's fallen from the rest, "No... even better!"
I shake my head, vehemently, sipping my drink again before speaking, "No way."
She groans, "Come on, it'll be fun!"
It'll be the opposite of fun, it'll be mortifying probably. I don't need anyone here to be blessed with my terrible vocal cords, narrow song knowledge and awkward stage presence. The painful image forms in my head, my expression playful but still unwavering.
"You don't want to hear me sing, trust me," I insist, gesturing over to the corner with the glass slotted in my hand, "But I'll happily listen to you."
Her face weakens a little, blooms back into that smile she has so often. I don't how she does it, how anyone can keep that level of optimism without feeling exhausted. I watch thoughts pass through her eyes, my gaze occasionally down at her lips.
"Fine," She says eventually, leaning in a little closer. Her breath brushes the tip of my nose, already a little alcohol scented, "But you better be right at the front cheering me on, no more lingering at the bar being mysterious."
I grin, matching hers, "Oh I will, I've been waiting for this my entire life."
She rolls her eyes at my sarcasm, pushing my arm affectionately before glancing at me thoughtfully one more time. Our little moments of eye contact are longer, interrupted by bubbling tension. Under the hazy, yellowy bar lights she glows slightly.
The moment breaks as she goes to grab my hand, a small look in her eyes as if to say, can I?
I reply with a single nod, letting her begin to drag me over to where the man seems to have finally figured out the karaoke machine.
Blue and purple reflect against the ceiling, the tiny party light has barely any reach and honestly looks a bit sad.
"Any song requests?" Honey asks, seemingly already first in line.
I frown. God, my song knowledge is not great. I think I've been listening to the same albums on repeat since I was a kid, indie stuff from the 80s my dad used to play in the car. I'll recognise some things, the classics, but that's where it ends.
My expression seems to communicate this because Honey shakes her head, a sure look across her face, "I've got the perfect song, it's my go-to for karaoke."
I nod, "I'll be here as your biggest fan."
She throws me one more lingering look before turning to the bearded man a little eagerly. I move back and sit at one of the empty tables, dark wood imprinted with a wet ring when my glass hits it. I'm already running low. I should get another.
My eyes wonder, scanning the rest of the room.
It's all noises and chatter, the bustle of a busy bar, nothing different than anywhere I've ever been before.
But my gaze pauses when it reaches the booths on my right, dark, red leather sloping beside the wooden table.
The people occupying it stand out, they're people I recognise.
Riley, laughing so hard she's practically falling out her seat.
That doesn't surprise me. The only reason she's not already on the floor is thanks to her friend's arm wrapped around her shoulder.
Across from them sits the two guys, the buzz-cut one and the quiet one.
I probably couldn't tell you any of their names gun to my head.
I don't even think about them when I catch the familiarity. My brain jumps a few steps ahead, to the only logical association I can ever seem to make. Ava. The only person I think is missing from the group.
But she's not missing, she's there, tucked beside Riley on the opposite side, head resting back against the leather.
Her eyes open to flash that shiny blue, a bit drowsy and shadowed by long lashes.
Her cheeks are a little pink, rosy lips shut but part slightly with every hollowed breath.
It's the face I'm used to, the Ava I'm used to.
Her hair is back to normal too, falling down over her shoulders and consuming the sides of her face.
It looks a bit darker in the light, a more blondish-brown.
She was only different for one day. So why have I missed her looking like this?
Honey's voice booms through the mic as she tests it, followed by an extremely loud high-pitched screech that makes the room groan. She winces for a minute but regains her exposure extremely quickly.
Her arm gestures to me quickly and I throw a quick wink at her which raises a little line of blush across her cheeks. It makes me smile, forget the people I just saw across from me.
The song eventually comes in, the beat ringing in my head. I know it, it's somewhere in my head, probably. Maybe not the name, or the person who sang it, but it's familiar. After a minute the lyrics come in and Honey's eyes flick up to the screen displaying them.
She's not that bad actually, better than general karaoke standards at least. The verses are easy enough, no high notes, which means her voice flows out into a sweet melody.
When her eyes catch mine I pretend to clap over-dramatically and she grins harder.
Everyone paying attention seems happy enough, a few muttered voices singing along.
But when it gets to the chorus my thoughts finally float away, then my eyes. Back to that booth, where none of the people have seemed to notice me at all. They're all watching Honey too, singing along in much worse voices. They're all too tipsy to care.
Ava's not singing though. She's managed to push herself across her friends and out the booth.
And now she's standing, trailing her way to the bar, I notice how unstable she really is.
She's stumbling, not so much that she'll fall over, but definitely drunker than her friends.
Her fingers reach to pull down her skirt, sheer black tights over her legs. Her blinks are slow, face hazy.
She looks fucking out of it. And she's going to get another drink too, eyes set on the bar in her path. Honey's voice drowns out in my ears as I blink at Ava, brain stirring.
Should I do something? Say something?
But something pulls at me. I can't. I promised her I wouldn't. She doesn't want me to care about her and I know I shouldn't. I said I would leave her alone, and here we are, forced into another stupid coincidental space. The universe fucking hates me.
But this exactly the point, to stick to what I fucking said. She has her friends, she's not by herself. She's not in danger. I don't owe her my good deeds or anything really.
She's an adult and I promised I would get her out my head.
But before I can drag my eyes back to the now muffled karaoke noise Ava's eyes catch mine.
Her feet come to a stop, everything slowing. Not just her, time and space.I'm sure it's just the alcohol in my system messing with me.
I can't read her distant expression, I don't even get a hint of annoyance or confusion. She just looks at me, blankly. Like the exhaustion of constantly bumping into each other has numbed her out completely.
After a moment she just looks away entirely, continuing on her path.
Honey breaks into the final chorus and I'm shaken from my mind, from Ava. I snap my eyes back to her and flash a supportive smile. I hope I wasn't looking away too long, that she didn't notice my distraction.
I ignore the part of me still lingering on Ava.
?? ?????? ??
I don't care that Nolan is here. Maybe because I'm drunk, maybe because part of me knew he'd appear at some point. And he's kept his weird promise to leave me alone but maybe just because he's here with Honey.
After she sang her little song they went right back to laughing, flirting, staring at each other.
It doesn't help that they're directly in my eye-line and I've had to watch them interact for what feels like hours.
If I blink my gaze away from my friends, even for a second, I'm graced with her whispering in his ear, his arm gently grazing hers.
Fuck. I don't even know why I'm so irritated.
He should be away from me, minding his business. He hasn't looked at me, not since our eyes met once and I followed that up with a lot more alcohol. My sweaty palms tangle together, on edge almost. He's ruining what was supposed to be a detachment from everything.
"I don't know how he does it," Riley drawls beside me, leaning her face on my shoulder a little, "She's gorgeous and he's...a gremlin."
Kat sputters a laugh, raising a brow, "A bit of an exaggeration, no?"
Riley shakes her head vehemently, "No, fuck him, whatever, we're not talking about this. If I have to watch them canoodle anymore I'll throw up."
I think I will too.
I go to step back but my leg buckles slightly, causing me to trip a little.
I miss when we were sat down and I could steady myself, now we're stood beside the pool table, playing a very non-official game which no one is taking seriously.
I don't know whose turn it is, then again, I can barely feel my face.
When I attempt to steady myself again and almost trip again, I feel an arm catch me, bringing me back up to my feet. I glance up and notice it's Alex, a strange look on his face. Somewhere between curious and concerned.
He doesn't say anything and neither can I, my thoughts are muddled. He does then drift his arm over the back of my neck and round to my shoulder. It pulls me in a little tighter to his chest, steadies me.
It's not unusual, he does it a lot, to all of us. I'm used to the weight of his arm slung over me, I should probably be grateful seeing as I would probably be on the floor if he hadn't. But it feels a little different today, like I'm actually aware of it for once.
I try and relax, stop thinking, but my eyes meet that picture of Nolan and Honey again. They're at the bar, standing, but very close now. She's playing with a stand of his hair, one of his hands dangerously close to placing itself on her waist.
I feel myself linger on them for too long, so much that the second Honey turns her head towards the bar Nolan's pupils meet mine. They're clouded and unreadable, shining hazel.
Looking at him makes me feel more sick than watching the two of them. It's like I'm seeing him in his car again, saying things he shouldn't, making promises I should want him to keep.
So I fall away, back to my friends. Only I do something different this time.
For some reason my hand trails up to where Alex falls off one end of my shoulder, reaching up to the ends of his fingers and slotting them together until we're sort-of holding hands across my chest. It's faint touch but it's there.
I don't know why I'm doing it.
Alex peers down at me, surprised at the sudden touch. He tilts his head curiously, as if to say, what are you doing?
A smile overtakes my lips, "I'm drunk," I whisper, like that's some sort of justification.
He nods back slowly, leaning down a little so I can hear him, "I know."
I laugh, everything seeming a lot more unserious under the guise of alcohol. But I'm confusing myself more than anything. Is it not very friendly to let Alex hold me like this? Probably. So why am I doing it?
When I catch Nolan's gaze again it's still looking at me, well, more glued to Alex's arm actually. It stays put for a long moment, burning a hole into my skin before reaching my lips, my eyes, and then flicking back to Honey.
He can choose not to speak to me as much as he wants but just being in the same room seems to carry this weird weight, as if he was still over here, muttering sarcastic comments in my ear.
All of a sudden, there's a hit noise as two pool balls smash together, followed by Cole cheering for himself and performing a dramatic bow.
I'm absorbed back into my group, their cheery chaos. But part of me wonders how long that'll last.
?? ?????????? ??
Honey and I stand in a far corner of the room, where it's a little quieter. It's less busy now, groups filtering out as the night has gone on. We're closer than we have been, her leg almost drifting against mine. And her eyes, that green, won't stop searching in mine.
I know what's going to happen before it even does.
She leans forward, catching my lips in a kiss. Her skin is soft against mine, warm and gentle as she pulls away slightly, then pushes back a little harder. I press my lips against hers, meeting the soft rhythm and her head tilts into my hand pressed against her neck.
We keep kissing for a moment, her mouth locked onto mine, lips attached tenderly. But, without warning, she suddenly draws away, before my tongue slips between her lips, before our kiss becomes anything more than gentle affection.
It catches me off guard, my eyelids prising open to meet her eyes. She's already looking away, not embarrassed, but sort of guilty, like she's regretting what she's about to say next. Was it really that bad of a kiss?
"No," She mutters, like she can read my mind, "The kiss was nice... it's not that."
I'm still processing, thoughts taking a second to catch up. She just pushes hair behind her ear, falling into an awkward laugh that makes me chuckle too. It's somehow not awkward, her smile making everything seem a bit more natural.
"I promise," She emphasises, pushing my chest a little, "Those lips work just fine. I just think... I'm gonna head out."
I raise my eyebrows, trying to read her. I thought we were having a good time, that we got along, were compatible in some sense. Her eyes kept lingering on my eyes, my face, flickered down to my arms occasionally, some tension crackled between us.
"Oh, right," I say, clearing my throat, "Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no," She shakes her head, "It's not a big deal, neither of us were looking for anything serious. I just don't think it's going to work out..."
Oh.
Her voice trails off as if there's more things she wants to say, like she's purposefully holding back whatever information is swirling around in her head.
It makes me curious, confused, amused?
I genuinely can't remember the last time someone just rejected me like this.
It's caught me off guard more than I'd like to admit.
"You've got to stop staring at me like that," She whines at my silence, crossing her bare arms.
I exhale heavily, almost a laugh, "Like what?"
"Like awounded puppy," She throws her head back dramatically, sucking in a breath, "You're a nice guy, okay? I just think you're... distracted."
"Distracted?" I echo, trying to process the word as I say it, "With what?"
Honey looks a little sheepish at first but it quickly morphs into something else. Knowing. She's staring at me like she's about to reveal some hidden truth. I scan her eyes but I don't understand, not until she uses them to gesture over towards the other side of the room.
When I follow that line of sight I see Ava.
"Wait, what?" I say almost immediately, realising what dots she's very wrongly connected, "Ava? No."
She frowns, "You've been staring at her all night."
I've made passing glances, but only because she's been drinking like a crazy person.
Like I used to. God forbidI'm slightly worried when she's stumbling, her eyes distant and clouded.
I can't exactly do anything, speak to her, but making sure she's not face down on the floor is the bare minimum.
She even had that guy's arm across her shoulder to keep her upright, the quiet one. The image flashes back, her fingers touching him, how close she was to his chest. I've really got to remember those names.
Honey stifles a laugh, causing me to snap out my thoughts back to her.
"Sorry, for laughing, it's just... you've done it again. You've got that look in your eyes."
I think my eyebrows are the most furrowed they've ever been, "What look?"
Honey just shakes her head gently, like it's not worth explaining. My head is spinning defensively, wondering how she got to that absurd conclusion. There is no look, there's no anything.
"My ride is here," She smiles, gesturing towards the exit, "Thank you, really. I did have a good time. And thanks for the drinks."
I nod gently, but my mouth is struggling to form words. I eventually push out, "Of course, get home safe."
She gives me a light, one-armed hug, her body slipping away from mine as quickly as it was pressed against it. She gives a couple more goodbye's before I'm watching her walk away, leaving me stranded at the bar.
What the fuck just happened?
I can't comprehend it, can't make sense of what she was implying.
Me and Ava. Me staring at Ava.
It's not like that, it's never been like that.
I'm actually making an effort to be far away from her, she doesn't distract me.
If she wasn't acting so out of character I probably would've been able to ignore her.
As if on queue she comes into my sight. She's using her hand to push herself gently along the wall, fingers gripping the edge as her foot stumbles off through the doorway of a hidden, back-door. Her hair seems a little bigger, blonde beside her little flushed cheeks.
She shouldn't be going outside like that.
She shouldn't be by herself.
My eyes immediately flick over to where I last saw her friends but they're nowhere to be seen. I scan the crowd with my eyes, picking through groups and hoping for at least one familiar face. I don't find one.
And then, before I can talk myself out of it, I'm moving, pushing myself between bodies to try and catch where she's just disappeared out of view. Fuck my promise. For now anyway, making sure she's safe is what I'm dealing with. I can leave her alone when she's not fucked out her mind.
Luckily, when I get outside, she's okay, well, as ok as she can be.
She's perched on a set of concrete stairs that lead to the building next door, legs spread out straight in front of her as she looks over across to me, eyes glassy.
It's quiet back here, cold wind spreading goosebumps up my arms almost immediately.
"Aren't you supposed to be l-leaving me alone?" She drawls, followed by a drunk hiccup that makes her breathe out into a tiny, intoxicated giggle.
I just look at her. If I really have been staring at her all evening I haven't gotten a clear enough look.
With me standing over her, her head tilted up to meet my eyes, I can see the pink flush across her cheeks in detail, every gradient patch.
Her eyelashes curl, some hair falls gently unorganised over her forehead.
I can see her breath rising in her chest, every inhale, every exhale.
Something in me tightens, coils at her like this. Beneath me, chin tilted up, face melting in drunk weakness. She looks pretty, too pretty.
"Where are your friends?" I ask, speaking awaywhatever that thought was.
She pauses, reaction time slowed, then shrugs. She doesn't look away though, only tilting her head to the side, studying me without her usual sober barrier.
"Where's Honey?"
Her tone is almost snarky, spiteful even.
I ignore her question wondering if I should crouch down to reach her level or keep standing here, watching the way her eyes cling to my face.
"How much did you drink?" I ask eventually.
"Too-" She hiccups again, "-many questions."
I can't even think of anything else to say before her eyes widen a little, hands bracing the step beside her in a stumbling attempt to push herself up
"Fuck..." She mumbles, followed by a retch and her hand flying over her mouth.
Oh shit.
I react without thinking, catching her as she stands. Both my hands land on either arm, her skin cold beneath my fingertips. She's close to falling straight into my chest but I spin her around instinctively before she can, her body now facing some sad-looking bushes beside the steps.
She retches again, jerking forward. She's going to throw up in about ten seconds.
My arms move automatically, reaching over to her hand still clamped over her face and prising it off, bringing it back down to her side so she's not sick all over it. One of my hands gathers her hair, scooping it up between my fingertips, holding it in a makeshift ponytail behind her head.
As soon as my other hand braces the side of her shoulder, holding her still, she's sick, yellowish liquid followed by a small, sputtering cough.
It's not pretty, at all, but I'm not thinking about that.
I've been in worse situations. This was inevitable, at least I'm stopping it from being as ugly as it could be.
"There you go," I murmur beside her, "Let it out."
She throws up a second time, smaller but still enough for her to choke a little, head stilling hanging over the bushes. I glance away, focusing my gaze on her rather than what's coming out of her.
It's only then, when she's breathing heavily, taking a moment to make sure she's definitely finished retching that I become aware of the position I'm in. It all happened too quickly, I just reacted in a way I knew would help her.
Her hair is gripped in my hands, soft between my fingers.
I'm not sure if it's shampoo or just her in general but a sweet, rose-tinged scent drifts towards me.
She's bent over, the curve of her butt and lower back pressing into my crotch ever so slightly.
My hand is gripped against her shoulder, a small red mark faint around each finger.
It feels weird all of a sudden, too close, too intimate. Like I'm overstepping a boundary. If I wasn't stopping her from being sick all over herself she'd murder me for touching her like this.
When she stands herself back up I release a breath I wasn't aware I was holding, my fingers falling out her hair and letting it wrap messily around her face again.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Sooooo fine," She croaks, moving forward in away that pushes me back, "Fucking perfect."
"Hey, hey, hey," I mutter, stopping her from going any further, "You need to go home."
She lazily attempts to push me out the way but it doesn't work. In fact, I catch her wrist in mine when she goes to do it a second time, earning a drunken scowl from her.
"You- you're not my dad. Let me go."
I'm almost distracted by her saying that word, something I've never really heard her say. But it's not enough for me to let go, or let her pass, or stop coming to the conclusion she needs to be away from here, right now.
"Ava, where's Riley?" I say, firmly, her wrist still captured in my hand.
"I don't- don't know..."
I'm already making a decision when I hear that. I'm pissed at my sister, at her friends, how could they leave her alone when she's like this? If they can't take any fucking responsibility then I'll have to. If I'm overstepping then it's necessary, for her.
"I'm taking you home," I state plainly.
I haven't drunk that much, enough that I'm able to drive. I aimed to drink more but certain things stopped me from paying attention to my own alcohol consumption.
I think she's going to fight me again at first, say some garbled defensive sentence or weakly attempt to push past me again.
She doesn't.
?? ??