29 | After
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"Why two minutes before the fireworks?" Riley mutters, staring at me, "The whole reason we were in that jackass' house was because of New years!"
She hasn't stopped talking about it. It's been almost two hours and even packed in an Uber with our friends, everyone somewhere between drunk and hungover, she's still found the words to be upset with me. My head aches, swirling with all the events of the night.
"Periods, Riley, you know," I murmur, sick of having to lie. I hate lying to her, more so when she won't stop pushing, "Sometimes there's blood just gushing out of you."
"Okay, I don't need that visual," Cole groans, only to immediately groan again when Kat hits him over the back of the head.
"Grow up, Cole, it's just a period," She says, watching as he winces, barely able to death stare her.
It's light playfulness but the look on Kat's face isn't. Cole is really drunk, as in insanely slurred words and saying things he shouldn't drunk. The Cole we thought had vanished.
"I don't think our driver wants to hear any of this," Alex adds quietly, gaze flicking across the seats.
Riley snorts, "You would be the type of person to be completely silent in an Uber."
"And you're still extremely drunk," He mutters back. It surprises me, so much that I turn to him as he keeps speaking, "Stop grilling Ava, she has her reasons. It was just an unfortunate coincidence."
"I'm not grilling her!" She exclaims, louder than anyone else, before letting out a drunk hiccup, "Kat, I'm not grilling her, right?"
Kat winces, "You kinda are...you need to chill out."
Riley sighs in an over-exaggerated fashion, slumping back down into her seat and squishing her head of messy hair. I glance down at her, watching a shadow dance across her forehead.
She's being annoying but I can't blame her. She knows what it's like to be abandoned on special days, to have someone frequently disappear and reappear like it means nothing. I can see that layer of hurt behind every word, the past is fuelling her drunken tantrum.
Until this, until Nolan, I hadn't ever messed with her trust. I had no reason to leave her side, I used to be much more aware of when I had to tread carefully, not set off little triggers she doesn't always know how to deal with. Now my head is clouded, regret seeping into my chest.
She mutters something else about bad timing under her breath before the car pulls to a stop, dropping us outside Kat's apartment. She begins to shuffle, gathering her stuff and squeezing out the door. She nudges Cole too, attempting to usher him out with her.
He barely moves, words slurring into something similar toI want to stay here.
Everyone's attention flicks to the scene, air turning stale.
"And you think I'm drunk," Riley scoffs, throwing an irritated look at Alex.
My blood pulses for a beat, chest stiffening in the increasingly awkward silence. This isn't Riley, not even drunk Riley acts like this. She's stroppy, throwing words around without thinking. Alex can lecture her as much as he wants, I know there's a better chance of her listening to me.
"That's not helping," I say, trying to flash Kat a sympathetic look.
"Yeah, well you not being there for the fireworks didn't help me!" Riley sneers back.
It doesn't make much sense but the emotion is there. The pieces that make up betrayal. The leftover alcohol in my body seems to form into emotion, a surge of sting clawing its way into my body. Why do I feel like fucking crying?
"I just asked you to stay, because I had a shitty week with my shitty brother and this year was supposed to be...different," She spits, "You were selfish. I couldn't even celebrate new years with my best friend..."
Guilt washes up in my gut, regret, a little bit of anger. Something makes me feel like she doesn't deserve to treat me like this, but knowing what I was actually doing cancels that out. I was with her shitty brother, ruining the one special moment we had together.
Without replying I shove open the door and get out the car, moving over to help Kat with Cole.
If I keep moving maybe my emotions won't consume me, maybe I can push back the pain dwelling at the back of my eyes.
I can feel Kat's eyes on me but keep my focus on Cole's arm as he's pulled out the vehicle.
I can hear Alex saying something to Riley but it's muffled, my thoughts spiralling into overdrive. I pull one of Cole's arms over my shoulder as Kat takes the other, his body heavy between us.
"You sssmell nice," He chuckles beside me, breath warm and alcohol-swamped.
When my glare hits the car window again Alex is looking out at me. His eyes are soft, a sympathetic but concerned look threaded through his pupils.
"Just go, make sure Cole's okay, he can crash with Kat, he's done it before," He says instructionally, "You should stay with her too...I think it's best you have some space."
My gut instinct screams no. I can't leave Riley, not when she's so upset, not when she's lashing out through old, confusing emotions. I hurt her. She needs me and I always said I would be there for her.
Like he can read my mind, Alex shakes his head, "I know you two are close, Ava, but sometimes closeness becomes codependency. When did you last spend a second apart?"
I shake my head, words not processing. All I hear are the things she said to me.You were selfish. I couldn't even celebrate new years with my best friend.
"Stay with Kat, take a night away from Riley."
As soon as he says the words the car speeds off, engine humming into the night sky as the weight of Cole's arm hangs down on me.
Closeness becomes codependency.
It's not like that.
At least, I don't think it is.
What does it matter? She's leaving me soon anyway. We won't even be next door anymore.
"He won't hold up for much longer," Kat suddenly urges, forcing me to move along as she walks. Cole's eyelids are heavier, breath coming out in slower, sleepy pants.
I nod, "Sorry."
We keep going until we approach the first floor apartment, Kat scrambling for her keys as Cole hums a tune beside me, whatever song was still playing when we left the party. He throws a wide grin at me, nodding his head towards my hair.
"Why are you all dressed up?" He murmurs.
"It was a party..."
"I know," He chuckles, "But you're real pretty, fuckable pretty-"
"Jesus fucking christ," Kat interrupts as we stumble inside and I can see her grip on him tense up. She's fighting the urge not to thump his shoulder again. "The shit he says is so much worse when he's like this."
She's not wrong. The words only make my cheeks heat up, a strange mix of the touch on my skin tonight, the release that shattered through me, Nolan's words in my ear. Then everything else - the guilt, the clarity, the regret. My head groans.
We walk Cole to Kat's couch, pulling off his jacket and letting him lie down across it. Kat grabs a blanket, laying it over him as his murmurs fade into distant whispers, body drifting off into sleep almost immediately. I can see the moment he loses consciousness. He looks weirdly peaceful.
The second we get to the bedroom Kat sighs, an exhausted groan that sums up the events of the last hour. Or the last few for me, anyway.
"We can't keep doing this," She says, a mutter but in a strong voice, "He needs therapy, help or something."
I don't know what to say, watching as she paces the small space in front of me. I should've noticed that he was slipping back to that. I shouldn't have let Nolan take up all that space in my brain - Obviously he wasn't just going to stop drinking suddenly.
"Riley's been talking about an intervention for months but none of us do shit, Ava," She continues, looking at me this time, "Not even me. Not even Alex. He's gonna be fucked if we don't say something."
I nod, swallowing in my dry throat, "I know."
"I'm done. Tomorrow we're ending our stupid silence," She asserts, "You, me, in the morning. We sit him down and we tell him straight, okay?"
Just us?
My eyes widen, gaze hesitant. I thought it was going to be the group, so he really felt supported. Would he even listen to just us? Kat and him are closer, sure, but I'm sure he'll brush off our attempt with jokey nonsense like he always does.
"No," She says with a wag of the finger, moving closer, "That hesitance, whatever's stopping you, ignore it. Our friend is hurting and I can't stand pretending it's not happening anymore."
Her emotion is much more visible than it usually is. Her face warps into sadness, eyes swelling with hurt. I remember how hurt Riley was when she thought Cole drinking would turn into her brother, how much the unaddressed issues hurt people in the long run.
Kat is right.
"Tomorrow," I agree with a nod, one that makes her face break into a small smile.
Then, very quickly, she pulls me onto the bed, throwing a hug over me before I can comprehend it. It's not gentle, that's not really Kat's style, but it's firm. Solid. It communicates enough.
When she pulls back she narrows her eyes, face filled with a new expression.
"Cole's an ass, but he's right," Her eyes scan me quickly, "You are fuckable pretty, what's up with that?"
My heartbeat stutters.
"Just...trying something new," I murmur. It's not technically wrong.
"Right," Kat replies, but she's still a little skeptical.
I'm just happy she drops the topic, immediately rummaging around for her phone which she has already managed to lose behind a pile of cushions in the space of two minutes.
My brain is still aching with everything that's happened, the whiplash of emotions.
Me and Nolan, that magic fucking kiss, his fingers inside me, the dirty words he whispered into my ears.
His promises, his shiny eyes. I can still almost feel the high of it all, the little world we created, just for a few minutes.
I probably left him very fucking hard, actually.
I hate that the thought makes me smile. Every time my brain paints an image of him my cheeks flush and my lips curl into a cheesy grin.
I feel so bad for what I did to Riley, I can feel the guilt gnawing at my thoughts already, yet it doesn't make any of the good things I feel for her brother go away at all.
I glance over at Kat where she's furiously typing something on her phone.
"Kat?" I ask, quietly.
"Mhm," She murmurs, barely looking up.
A question is floating around in my head and I can't seem to help saying it out loud.
"Me and Riley... do you think we're codependent?"
That makes her focus snap back to me immediately, something softening in her eyes. Her pupils glance over my expression for a second before she shakes her head gently.
"Not co-dependent..." She says, sure of herself but clearly treading carefully, "Just close, emotionally. You always worry about each other more than you worry about yourselves."
I try to absorb the information. I do worry about Riley, a lot, too much probably.
Is that a bad thing? Maybe I'm still trying to cling onto the friendship we had as kids, the only stable, consistent thing in my life.
She's been there, every step of the way, the thought of her drifting away kills me. It makes my heart physically ache.
I'm only reminded that I abandoned her tonight and suddenly I want to beat myself up about it even more.
"I think you exhaust each other without realising, sometimes," Kat continues, shuffling a bit closer on the bed, "You feel her emotions like they're your own Ava, I can see it."
I blink, head thrumming with conflicted thoughts.
"I care about her," I murmur, "So much."
"I know," Kat nods back, "And maybe that's why Alex is right. Space might be good, just seeing each other a little less so you have room to breathe."
Room to breathe.
Do I want room to breathe?
Part of me is happy to be suffocated by a friendship I've been glued to my entire life.
Kat shuffles backwards until her head hits the headboard, beckoning me to come and squeeze in next to her. I do, letting her cover us with a blanket. We're both still not changed, my makeup is probably smudged and my hair a mess. We'll get to it, soon, but right now we're having a moment.
I don't always get time to think without my thoughts spiralling. This is nice, a little silence, Kat resting her hand on my knee over the blanket, my brain too tired to run into overdrive.
"She's moving out soon," I whisper eventually, "That'll give us some space, I guess."
"Fuck, that'll be weird," Kat coos back before changing to a more thoughtful tone, "Weird, but not bad. She'll still be Riley, you'll still be in the same town. You'll still be friends."
It comforts me a little. She's right, because Kat always is. It's scary, but it's not like she's really leaving me. I should be more independent, I'm getting there, slowly. Attaching myself to the past so tightly can't be good, can't be good for the parts of me I'm trying to change.
The Ava who looks like this and does reckless things because her heart tells her too should be able to deal with life changes. Having my photo taken or my friend living a little further away shouldn't bother me. Maybe, soon, I'll be able to get that into my skull for real.
"Thank you, Kat," I say, leaning my head against her shoulder, "I love you too, don't forget that."
She smiles, a rare fluttery one I don't often see on her, "I love you, even if I'm only your second best friend."
I snort a laugh at that. She makes it sound as if we're still kids fighting in a playground.
"Yeah well I'm your second best friend after Cole, so..."
She pauses for a moment.
"We'll see, after tomorrow you might get promoted."
A little later we're under the covers, both changed into pyjamas, me a borrowed pair, and I feel like I'm back in high school.
I can't remember the last time we slept over like this, very hungover, muttering random things when we really should've been asleep a long time ago.
It's nearing 3am. Thank God I'm not at work tomorrow.
I'm about to finally suggest we stop torturing ourselves out of sleep when my phone vibrates on the duvet, forcing me to lazily look for it. Who's even calling me at this time?
When the screen is lit up in my hand there's a name I didn't expect.
Nolan.
"Who is it?" Kat murmurs, clicking off one of the lamps still on.
"Mom," I answer, too quickly.
It keeps ringing, making that little annoying buzz in my hands. I should answer. I feel like I shouldn't, because Riley's still mad at me, because that guilt lingers, but I'm slipping out the room and telling Kat I have to take this before I can think rationally.
"You didn't answer my text," Is the first thing that deep, familiar voice says down the line.
I pull back, glancing at the screen to see what he said.
Nolan: You get home safe?
It's sweet. Stupidly sweet.
And now he's calling me to follow up because he was thinking about me. It makes my stomach flip, that feeling of being cared for consuming me whole. Nolan, who acts so cold about things, seems to have a real soft spot when it comes to me.
"Sorry," I whisper back, not wanting Kat to hear, "Wasn't checking my phone."
"Well are you?" He murmurs, "Safe?"
My lips twitch into a smile, "Why? Were you worried?"
The line goes quiet for a second, I wonder what he's thinking.Iwonder what he looks like actually, at this time of night. He's probably in those low slung pyjama pants I saw him in at his apartment, fuck. I could do with seeing that again.
"I'm always worried about you, pretty girl."
Pretty girl. It doesn't matter how many times he says it, it still makes my cheeks heat up. I know he worries about me, it's another thing to hear him say it. I think I worry about him too.
"Did you go home with your friends?"
"Sort of," I huff, "I'm at Kat's."
"Why?" He says back, almost instantly.
"Long story, it doesn't matter. I'm with my friends, I'm safe, like you wanted."
I can almost hear his silent judging through the phone. His head would be cocked to the side right now trying to read every inch of my expression. God, I love when he looks at me like that.
"Friends? Plural?" He asks.
Why does it matter?
"Kat and Cole."
He hums gently, "Okay."
"You're being weird."
He ignores me, "Can I see you tomorrow?"
The question strangely catches me off guard, my words stopping in my throat. I hadn't thought about tomorrow, not really. Or us, in the future, any time after that. Today was a deadline and we got there, I let him touch me, let him kiss me - but I'd almost forgotten there was more.
I want to see him, of course I fucking do. My own body betrays me before I can even comprehend it, mind spinning through his handsome face so close to mine, chest tightening at all the words he says to me. There's no doubt he's somehow got me wrapped around his stupid finger.
But it feels strange to want that after the events of tonight.
"Ava?" Nolan says when I accidentally leave a little too much silence.
"I don't know," I squeeze out, eventually. It's the honest truth, albeit one I'm sure he didn't want to hear.
"Why? You already changed your mind?" His says, voice lower, "Was I that bad of a kisser?"
I hate that it makes me laugh, a small soft one that trickles down the phone.
"You know it would kill me, right?"
The air suddenly grows tense again, and I lean my head against the wall I'm beside.
"What would?"
"You, leaving me."
"Really?" I whisper, much more of a thought but it finds its way out loud.
"Really," He murmurs back.
"Well I'm not," I choke out, chest flooded with a fuzzy, warm feeling, "Tonight was the best I've felt in a long time, I don't want that to stop. It's scary...but I want you, Nolan. I do."
I can hear him sigh, picking apart the words.
I'm sure his pretty hazel eyes would be sparkling right now, brimming with whatever emotions he usually keeps locked away.
I hope he knows I mean it, I really fucking mean it.
I know I'm fucked, that my other issues with Riley and guilt will never amount to these stupid feelings for him.
I wish we could just exist without the barriers, without it hurting people, without it being a big deal. My head stirs, trying for the millionth time to come up with anything that could make this situation better.
"What's up with Riley?" He says, suddenly.
"Why?"
"She sent me a long, angry, drunk message."
This isn't good.
"She's mad, that I left her during the fireworks," I start, picking her apart like I always do, "But she's also mad at you, and upset about Cole drinking. She's hurting and it's turned into one big angry emotion."
"Mm," Is all Nolan murmurs back, voice damp.
I hope that talking to Cole will stop that issue, but how can I solve everything else? How can I make it up to her? I want to apologise, let her know that I do care about her, that I won't abandon her. My brain stops, coming to an idea.
It's a weird idea, but for some reason it doesn't seem completely crazy.
"Let's hang out, tomorrow afternoon, all three of us."
Nolan splutters a laugh almost immediately, one that makes me scowl. I get that it sounds stupid but it's not that funny. He only dies down when it transforms into more of a cough and he splutters out "Wait, you're serious?"
"Yes, Winters, I am."
If him and Riley can patch up their issues, if me and Riley can fix ours, then she'll be happier again.
She won't get nit-picky over stupid things or blame herself for Cole's issues.
The more she gets closer to Nolan, the more she'll see the person he can be.
The person he is, behind all his defensive bullshit.
She said herself she wants us to be friends - this is a starting point.
"I love when you call me that, it's hot."
"Winters?" I question. His last name, really?
"Mhm, say it again."
"Winters," I say, but only to turn it back into scolding him, "You're avoiding the topic."
He groans and it's full of annoyance but it still reverberates through me, spreads a jolt of heat through my skin. And he calls me stubborn.
"Is that a good idea?"
I have no fucking clue.
"I want Riley to trust you, so she doesn't lash out at everyone, so your relationship is better. Maybe she'll think it's possible I don't just see you as her psycho brother."
"Psycho? Really?" He questions.
This time I ignore him, "Take us to get ice-cream or something."
"It's January."
"Do you have to be so frustrating?" I huff back, fighting not to raise my tone. Kat is still in the other room.
He laughs a little, gently, but in that way that tells me he's winding me up on purpose. I bite down on my lip a little, waiting for his response. I told him to make an effort, for me, this is the least he could do.
"Fine," He agrees, finally, still slightly bitter.
I let out a relieved breath, "Thank you."
"But afterwards," He lowers his voice to that spine-tingling volume, "You come over to mine. For the night."
I go to open my mouth but clamp it back down again, words vanishing. That twenty four hours in his apartment was one of the nicest days I've had in a while. The quiet existence, waking up on his lap, seeing parts of his past in those photos he keeps. And now, being there wouldn't be as platonic.
"Please," He adds, tinged with a begging tone, but I know him. He's doing it on purpose, worming his way into my brain. Who doesn't want to hear a man begging?
It works, too easily. I'm agreeing without thinking.
"Okay, yes, I'll stay at yours," I murmur, finally.
I can almost hear his grin through his words, "Good."
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