31 | Promises
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We walk alongside the small lake in the park, Riley in the middle, separating me from Ava's side.
We haven't had many chances to make eye contact and I hate that it's bothering me.
I can see enough of her, her shiny waves and giggly smile every time my sister makes a joke.
But I do miss that ocean blue glaring at me.
I bite down on my cone, a little bit flaking off and crumbling to the floor. I watch it, frowning a bit, but my attention is swiftly captured again by the conversation beside me.
"It takes like toothpaste!" Riley insists, unimpressed with Ava's choice of mint ice cream, "How the hell do you even enjoy that?"
Ava just gawks, "Do you even know what toothpaste tastes like?"
"Yes, like the ice-cream in your hands right now."
The second Riley swivels her head to me, hoping for another input I shake my head straight away. There's no way I'm getting involved in this.
"No comment."
"You're boring," She mumbles back.
She's called me worse things. Maybe I want to be boring.
"Oh!" She says suddenly, coming to a stop and flickering her gaze between us both, "I have news, I almost forgot!"
A duck nearby quacks in her suspenseful silence as we wait for whatever she's going to say.
I angle myself inwards a little and Ava does the same, making it so we're almost facing each other.
I don't look, fully, but I know she can feel my presence a little closer.
I stifle a smile from overtaking my lips.
"I got the promotion!"
"Congratulations Riley, Oh my god!" Ava squeals instantly, throwing her arms around her best friend and pulling her into a bruising hug.
It makes me smile properly, her affection for Riley, the gleaming grins on both their faces.
I'm happy for my sister too, she puts too much energy into her job, it's about time she's repaid for that.
My chest stirs, empathy poking at me. I care, and I hate that it makes me feel weird.
I should care. That's a good thing.
When Riley pulls back and does a celebratory twirl she sets her sights on me, wide brown eyes sparkling and looking so much like they did when she was a kid. There's moments when all I see is the Riley in that photo on my nightstand. Ava's right, why the fuck am I such an idiot to her?
I nod, smiling, "That's amazing, well done."
"Thank you, Nolan," She replies, voice clearly sincere.
A gust of wind brushes past for a moment, swaying the trees and turning Ava's cheeks slightly pinker in my peripheral vision. It's strangely calm, like the world has been spinning at a million miles an hour and has finally taken a second to slow down.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom quickly," Ava says suddenly, her familiar voice breaking me out of the moment. She gestures to the public stalls nearby with her head.
I narrow my eyes, unsure if she should go over there. They don't look the safest, and they'll be dirty in that way they always are. I suddenly want to abandon all this pretending I don't know her and take her home. Keep her safe.
She must catch it too, and get the same concern from Riley too because she immediately rolls her eyes.
"I'm a grown adult, I can handle a public bathroom, Jesus."
Riley throws her hands up in surrender, "I know, I know."
I watch as Ava briskly walks away, not too far, but enough that I want my eyes to linger on where she is, memorise that trail. She looks pretty even from a distance, blonde hair blowing gently in the wind. I know I should look away. Fuck, maybe I like her too much.
"I'm really excited about this job," Riley says, pulling my attention back to her, "It'll mean I'm not scraping by for the new apartment. Maybe in a few years I can get a better position in the city, too."
"You deserve it," I mumble back, "I'm sure everyone will want to hire you now."
She tucks a strand of brown behind her ear, looking at me quizzically.
She doesn't know if I'm being fully serious or not.
I barely know if I am. I'm trying to do better at speaking without overthinking everything.
Yes, emotions are fucking weird and hard to navigate but I'm too old to be so closed off about everything.
I saw Ava's face when I mentioned how draining the same format of photography can be, and Riley's face when I offered to do something nice without her goading me. People appreciate it, it makes things better.
I need to do better for Ava, for me.
"And I'm sorry, for crashing at home on Christmas Eve, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have been late to the cinema either."
My sister stares, like she's trying to find words.
"I get that they're not big deals on their own but it's bigger than that. It's bigger than me. I'll be more reliable, try more with mom and dad, not do things that put us ten years in the past," The words come out almost grumbled, like I can barely find it in me to admit them.
It's weird to say, but it does feel better. There's a weight off my chest, I feel lighter. I guess apologies do actually fix shit.
Riley doesn't even smile, she just keeps looking at me like she's seeing an entirely new person. I can see everything processing in her mind. When she finally speaks, her fingers tangle together.
"Thank you, for apologising," She pauses, "Fuck. I don't remember the last time you actually said sorry un-sarcastically."
I shrug gently, like it's nothing, when we both know it's not.
"I just need you to be serious about it. You do something nice, then go back to being cold, over and over again. If you're promising to make a bigger effort, I need that to be true, for real this time."
"It's real," I hum back, forcing out every word, "You know how hard it is for me to say this shit, but I'm saying it because I mean it."
Riley blinks a bit harder, swallowing a lump in her throat. This is hard for her too.
"I just want a brother, Nolan," She murmurs, almost emotionally, "We still have time to rebuild everything, to put things right. It's the one thing I want this year."
"We'll fix things. I promise," I whisper back. And I mean it.
Riley's face just breaks into a cheesy grin before she sighs, "Give me a hug, you idiot."
I don't even have a chance to process that before she throws her arms around me, wide and welcoming in that way she did as a little kid. That was probably the last time we hugged in general, actually.
When she pulls back she garbles out more words, "Speaking of mom and dad, I wanted to ask you something..."
I frown but nod, urging her to continue.
"They're house-sitting a lake-house in a few months and invited me to come with them. I was wondering if you might come too...as a family."
It's a surprise. A lake-house? I don't think I ever really went on vacations with my family, definitely not after a certain age anyway.
I also don't know if being trapped in a confined space with people who make almost no talk with me is a good idea.
But Riley's eyes sparkle and I know she's picturing that perfect family trip she never had.
I might hate it, it might suck, but I have to deal with it. Plus, it's a few months - maybe I can wave a wand and magically fix my relationship with my parents before then? Probably not, but it's worth a fucking try.
"Yeah," I nod, "I'll come with you."
Riley looks delighted for half a second before trying to play it off as being a normal level of cool. I can barely believe what I just agreed to. I guess I do need to suffer through the awkward stages to actually change anything.
Ava appears a moment later, her familiar figure coming into view as she struts towards us. My eyes check her once over instinctively, her legs poking out that short skirt, her torso engulfed in a hoodie, every inch of that perfect face.
"Did I miss anything?" She murmurs, pulling Riley back into a walk.
"Not really, just my brother being cloned and turned into a totally different person."
Ava giggles at that but for a second, catches my eye. It's deliberate. And I recognise it as a thank you, a thank you for trying. I struggle to keep a smile from erupting over my face, something in my gut reminding me this is worth it.
We hang out a bit longer, walking around the edge of the lake until the sun begins to fade down behind the trees. The sky turns into a pinky-purple hue, melting into a deep blue as the last orange disappears. I don't talk much, letting Ava and Riley go on about what feels like everything forever.
I'm relieved by the time we reach my car, both of them clambering in as my mind flickers back to the one thing resting there during all of this.
Ava coming back to mine.
The minutes have passed, the time is nearly over. Looking at her fluttering lashes and gently bitten lips as she catches my attention for a secondpractically fucking kills me. I'm still savouring the high from that kiss this morning, and the events from the night before.
My fingers fidget on the wheel, brain only on her. I want to touch her, want to kiss her, want to feel that fire that creeps up on us and swallows us whole. It's not even just sexual too, it's the hand on her thigh, the sitting next to her on the couch, feeling her bare skin warm under my palm.
I notice I'm staring too much as I drive, snapping my attention back to the road. I think Ava might be the only girl capable of making me get into a car crash.
When I pause outside my old house I'd forgotten Ava can't just stay in with me. There's still a big, wrong barrier between us both. I've always done whatever I wanted, my entire life, and now I have to tread on eggshells around the thing I want more than anything. It's fucking difficult.
"Do you think Nolan could drive me to work again?" Ava blurts out suddenly, just as Riley steps out the car.
Everyone pauses, the words freezing in the air like ice. I narrow my eyes, wondering if this will even work. It might have to, there's no way I'm not having her close to me again in the next two minutes.
Ava shakes her head, trying to explain rationally, "Mina called, I left a coat there the other day, she wants to return it. I just thought he could... because it's on his way."
I catch Riley pull a weirded-out face in my mirror, but not because she's suspicious of anything, "Duh, just ask him yourself. Don't ask me for permission, it makes me feel like his mom."
Her face drifts to mine, eyes raising with the same question, "Yeah, sure she can," I murmur back, trying to be normal about this very not normal thing.
"Great," Riley asserts, giving Ava one more strained hug across the back of the car before saying a million goodbyes. When she's made it up the driveway and the door slams shut Ava's seatbelt un-clicks, her body very quickly slipping around to the front seat.
I barely have time to register her next to me before she's urging me to drive, cheeks pink and face all worried about being caught. Like most things she does, it's cute.
I pull out onto the road, letting Ava release a breath as her head tilts back against the headrest.
"You're dramatic," I murmur, already smiling.
"Fuck you," Is all she says back, as usual.
"You're predictable, too."
"Don't add anything else or I won't give you that kiss you've been practically begging for."
I frown, eyebrows dipping inwards as I turn to face her. She swipes a pile of blonde waves from over her eyes, tilting her head almost challengingly. I can tell she's in a bit of a feisty mood.
"Don't act dumb," She asserts, "You've been eye-fucking me for hours, I'm surprised everyone in the damn park didn't know about us."
I guess I wasn't that subtle. It's hard to care when the reward of looking at her is very much worth it.
I go to open my mouth but she cuts me off, "And don't say something stupid about staring at me because you can't look away or something."
"What's got into you?"
"Sorry," She huffs, and I can feel her gaze stuck to me even when I look away, "Lying to Riley stresses me out, I shouldn't take that out on you."
I smirk cuts into my lips, "No, I don't mind. Feel free to take it all out on me."
She pushes my shoulder lightly at that, "You're dirty."
I meet her face, soft smile and wide eyes, "You have no fucking clue, pretty girl."
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