34 | Mina
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The first thing I feel when I wake up is her.
Ava's soft breath, her head that's somehow slipped down onto my chest, her long waves seemingly everywhere, caressing my skin with silk-like touch. It's the type of warmth that makes you want to stay just as you woke up, eyes closed forever.
I take in the warmth for as long as I can. Just feeling it.
Fuck.
Have I ever felt like this before? Have I ever felt this comfortable?
Grounded? Sure I've woken up with women in my bed, but never Ava.
Never with my chest heavy and brain wrecked with the thoughts of what we did last night.
Never consumed by that rosy, perfect scent that is practically invading every inch of my senses.
When my eyes blink open the sight makes a stupid, mushy smile trickle onto my lips.
It's just her, splayed out exactly as I imagined.
Head on my chest, rosy lips slightly parted, one arm draped lazily across my chest. She looks so peaceful.
It reminds me of when I took her home drunk all those weeks ago.
And now she's asleep in my bed.
And I'm not even sure how we got to this point.
There was this pull, this undeniable thing that dragged me towards her and once she started gravitating back, it was game over. I think I should've known that earlier, maybe I did and ignored it. I'm still ignoring the scary fucking fact that this isn't normal.
I like her too much. I care about her too much. I think about her too much.
Pretending this is anything like an accident would be stupid. But we still haven't addressed it. Because anything formal cracks my years of believing I don't need anything like that. Because it means dealing with my sister.
My cyclical structure, doing my job, eat, sleep, repeat has been completely blown apart by the girl in my bed. I can't see a way it will ever be the same again.
My brain flickers to life, blaring with the question: what time is it?
I answer it by reaching the hand not caught slightly under Ava's head over to the bedside table and feeling around for my phone. I eventually grasp the rigid edges and the screen brightens in front of my eyes.
10:11am
Then, under it as a notification:
Mina: Are we still meeting at 11?
Shit, I'd forgotten about that.
Diego. His brother. Their deadline. We decided we needed to talk about it, there was no way we couldn't. In another universe we'd be catching up as old friends, not rehashing a bunch of complicated bullshit I try not to think about.
Just as I scramble back a reply, selfishly pushing our meeting back to lunch so I can stay with Ava's gentle touch for longer, she stirs beneath me.
It's tiny at first, making me freeze. But then her head slides up to face me as best she can and those eyelids prize open to reveal a sea of beautiful, piercing blue. Her eyelids flutter, tired, as her fingertips brush over my chest.
Then she smiles. It almost kills me.
"Hi," She murmurs, all-sleep filled and adorable.
I stare down at her, "Hey."
The words hold in the air, tight with unspoken meaning but also soft, like they're contained in this moment, in the space of this room. Like the best secret I've ever held.
"I like your hair like that."
I frown, watching as she swivels a little, crossing her arms over my chest so she can look at me better, "Messy?"
She nods, "It's cute."
Then, before I can do anything but chuckle, her gaze darts to my tattooed shoulder. It's a curious look, almost hesitant but I think something about our warmth, all huddled up like this, makes her apprehension melt away.
"What does the crow mean?"
I blink. No one's ever asked me that. I never thought they would, and that's probably for the best. But now Ava has, and she cares about the answer.
I shrug, "It's a cover up."
"Of what?"
My voice bleeds into a sigh. I'm not annoyed at her, never at her, at myself for putting up these walls again and again. She should've figured out by now that nothing is simple with me, everything has to be coated in some deep secret trauma.
"Oh, right..." She hums, "You can't tell me..."
The fact she actually sounds disappointed makes something in me ache. I glance at her, every part of her pretty face and little smile.
It's like the universe is baiting me into breaking, spilling my guts with every single secret. But I still don't want her involved in that...those thoughts. It's too dangerous. But, for once, something slips through the cracks. A truth that feels safe to reveal.
"I got the crow done in college," I say, "It was impulsive. I decided when I woke up and it was done by midnight. Probably not the best decision."
Her eyes widen, a tiny fraction. I don't talk about the past or college or any of that. This is the first time I've mentioned it.
"I chose it because it covered up the old tattoo well...and I guess because they represent transformation. Something new, different, away from the life I used to live in this town. And their cool birds too, intelligent, dark, mysterious...just kinda spoke to me."
Honesty. I'm doing honesty now. With Riley and Ava too, I guess.
"I like that," Ava whispers after a moment, "It suits you. You kinda remind me of a crow, in a way."
"I do?"
She nods, "They seem like bad omens in a lot of ways but they're actually known to bring good fortune. They're boiled down to scary, dark creatures but they're a lot more than that. More complex than people realise."
My own eyes drift to the crow, the ink displaying its beady eyes and black feathers. It's been there so long now it feels like part of me. And with Ava's words it feels actually important, not just something I scrawled on to get rid of something else.
"How do you know all that?"
"I took a class on mythology in college, I wrote a paper on the mythology of birds. It was really interesting, but I never thought it would ever come in handy."
She looks a bit spaced out for a minute. I never talk about me but she doesn't talk about some of her life either. I know she dropped out of college after two years, but I don't know why. Curiosity picks at me.
"Did you like collage?"
"Yeah, I did. But my mom was struggling and the debt was mounting.
..it just didn't feel like the right thing to be doing," Ava shrugs, like she's brushing aside any weight the words could have.
"I dropped out to help her, I would've felt guilty if I stayed all those hours away whilst she struggled alone. "
My finger that's been absentmindedly twisting in a lock of her hair steadies for a second.
"You miss it?"
She pauses, then nods, "Yeah...but it doesn't really matter. It's not an option for me."
It should be. She should be able to do whatever she wants... but life is never that kind. My heart aches, twists with the fact her circumstances have prevented her from doing something she enjoyed. It fucking sucks.
I take too long to reply and Ava shifts the focus back away from her.
"What about the other one? The tattoo on your back?"
I hadn't even realised she noticed that one, even I forget it's there sometimes.
"Barbed wire," I murmur, "Got it a few years ago. Kinda feels like protection, in a way? Like strength, putting a boundary between me and the past. I don't know...it's kinda stupid..."
"No," Ava interrupts, moving an arm to cup my cheek with her hands, "It's not stupid at all. It's powerful...I'm happy you found meaning through tattoos."
I hear the words she wants to say, but doesn't. Even if you don't say the things out loud. The closest I've come is obscured meanings in ink on my body.
But now, thanks to Ava, they're less secretive. She's the only person to ever know the meanings behind them.
"Oh shit!" Ava blurts out suddenly, pushing herself up off my chest quickly, "I have work today. What time is it?"
Her head moves in a mess of wavy blonde, so quickly that I don't see her reach quickly for my phone still rested on the sheets. Her eyes take in the time, then something in her expression falters, lips parted as whatever words were there disappear.
"You need me to drive you?" I ask, suspiciously.
She ignores me, flipping the lock screen around, "Mina?"
Oh, right.
Mina has replied, agreeing to lunch, and the words are right there on the screen. My brows knit together, brain fumbling through my next steps. There's no secret here, nothing I'm keeping from Ava. But there's that roadblock that comes with the truth of the past.
I nod, slowly, "We're going for lunch, catching up."
Ava's trying so hard not to care but the pout on her face is obvious. Worse than just jealousy, hurt.
"Hey, it's fine...I know it's weird but we're old friends," I pause, "And I told you, she's gay."
"I know, I know," Ava pushes out, "Just...why didn't you tell me?"
Because I don't want you anywhere near my past.
"I didn't think it was important."
She pulls a face at that, one that irrevocably says, bullshit.
"I saw that look between you... like I was missing something. Am I? Missing something?" She says, her voice shrinking to something smaller, quieter, "Is this about the guy who followed me...?"
I hate the way she looks genuinely upset, eyes dampened as she searches me for a truth I'm struggling so hard to give.
She's not stupid, she doesn't deserve everything I give her if I take it away every time we get close to topics I don't want to think about.
It's the exact same hot and cold everyone else gets mad at me for.
"Yes," I grit out before I can put up any more roadblocks.
Ava pauses mid pushing hair behind her ears, expression somewhere between skeptical and surprised. The room tightens and I'm suddenly more aware that she's using her hand gently pressing into my thigh to steady herself.
I need to be fucking honest.
"There's a few things we need to talk about, loose ends, to stop something like that happening again," I murmur, our eye contact faltering, "It's almost over, I promise. This shit is just complicated."
The girl in front of me says nothing and I have no fucking idea what she's thinking. Is she scared of my past? of me? Or is she still annoyed that Mina is the one I have to go to instead of burdening her with truths that are still too heavy?
"Okay," She hums eventually, squeezing my thigh harder, "I get it, thank you, for telling me. I just really hope it really is over, Nolan."
I nod sharply, "It is."
I think, anyway.
"But you can speak to me about all that stuff, you know that?" She adds, edging closer, "I'll listen, to everything. Don't carry it alone."
My hand threads into hers across my chest, the warmth familiar and sparking through my skin in waves.
She clasps tighter, watching me until our faces are hovering closer.
I can see every speck of sincerity in her face, every beautiful inch of her.
I don't know what I did to deserve someone like her.
"I know..." I choke out, and it might be the realest thing I've ever said.
No more words come out and she doesn't push any further. It's like we both know I'm getting closer to letting her in fully, but I'm not there, not yet. I hear her words from last night.
One day I'm going to find out all your secrets and unravel you completely.
At this point it feels inevitable.
Her lips meet mine in a soft kiss, dazzled with morning sleepiness and the weight of the conversation we just had.
It's slow, like her lips are being imprinted on my skin.
My tongue dances, across her mouth then lower, to her jaw, her chin, the side of her neck.
I can't get enough, kissing and sucking on her skin as she makes little breathless noises above me.
"Nolan- wait," She laughs, threading her hands through my hair to pull me back up, "I'm really gonna be late for work."
I shrug, "What's a few extra minutes, then?"
There's a spark in her pupils, like she's considering it, but then she shakes the bad decision away.
"No, Mina's not in today so she's asked me to do a lot of manager stuff she usually does and I..." Her voice trails off, eyes meeting mine. Then she physically cringes, and groans in annoyance, throwing her head down into my chest.
"What?"
"She's not in because she's having lunch with you...do you realise how weird that is for me?" Her muffled voice replies, "My boss! The woman who's been ordering me around for years wasinvolved in the same things you were...how is that even possible?"
She's not mad, justweirded out. And I don't blame her. It's a strange coincidence and the Mina I saw the other day, at least visually, was a different person. But so am I.
She drags herself up to face me, "Sorry, I'm still wrapping my head around all of... this."
"Don't apologise," I say, placing another kiss on her lips. My fingers thread up to her chin and tilt it until her face is all I can see, "I'm gonna figure it out, then we can focus on more important things...on us."
Her face glows, smile reaching the satisfied pink blooming across her cheeks. She nods, slowly, like she wants the moment to drag on forever but eventually murmurs into my mouth, "As much as I want to stay, I'm still late."
I want to catch her wrist as she spins away from me, ripping me from this perfect bubble we've built, but I don't, watching her slip out of the sheets and stand, almost wobbly. My eyes scrape over her bare thighs, messy hair, tired yawn.
Something in me decides this is all I want to see for the rest of my life.
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The park I'm meeting Mina at brings back weird memories.
Those hazy, blurry ones, with pieces missing I don't ever want to recover.
It helps that I'm only on the outskirts, not inside with the big trees and hidden corners I used to loiter in.
My eyes catch her quickly, too, perched on a bench, phone in hand.
Like she can sense it, she looks up the second I start walking closer.
It feels like deja-vu all over again.
"Hey," She hums, smile half-dampened like the topics we're about to discuss won't let it form all the way, "It's nice to see you again."
"You too."
She nods, clearing her throat. It feels weird to act normal but it also feels strange to acknowledge the changes of the future. The air pulses in my ears, everything suddenly smaller and more distant.
"How have you been? Anything interesting happening?"
I shrug, "Not really, just been planning a wedding. It's in the city, this weekend. Takes a lot of brain power."
Mina stands from the bench, then her expression flickers into something different, more mischievous. It slices through the awkwardness, playful in that way I always remember. It makes me feel like I'm staring at the teenage version of her. My friend.
"A wedding, hm?"
I nod, but my eyes narrow, unsure what's so amusing about that to her.
"You sure you shouldn't be planning one of those with Ava?"
I freeze, blinking. I didn't expect that.
My face must be something interesting because Mina just laughs, beginning to walk and leaving me stranded. I catch up after a second, brain still left at a standstill.
"What?"
"Come on, she looked like she wanted to murder me in the middle of the damn cafe!" She giggles, brown eyes shiny under the glasses I'm not used to, "And you couldn't take your eyes off her for like, two seconds..."
"That obvious?" I murmur, flashing my gaze down a bit.
"Very, but you've always been like that."
"Like what?"
"Obvious," She shrugs, like it's a simple fact, "You don't really filter anything you do. It's nice to see that hasn't changed."
"Unlike you?" I murmur, giving her new look a once-over. It's still hard to get used to. "Was I supposed to grow up, get all sophisticated and turn into an overbearing boss?"
Her eyes narrow, "Overbearing?"
"That's what I've heard," I grin back, arms thrown up into a surrender.
She laughs, strongly for a moment before it trickles down to something faint, distant. The world steadies a bit, the trees nearby blowing steadily. We're having a nice conversation, joking almost. It's like time has fallen into the past and pulled out the one thread I don't want to burn.
I almost forget the real reason we met up. It's not light, or fun or anywhere near rekindling old friendships. But I've gotten pretty good at living in a temporary fantasy.
"I don't mean to be...overbearing," Mina mutters as we come to the park exit, "I just try to be professional, you know? If I can contain order in that one tiny part of my life then it feels like the chaos from before can't creep up on me again."
I get it, maybe more than she knows.
The last six years have felt like channeling everything into one straight, repetitive line. No breaking away from a path forward, a way out. I didn't want to do anything that could send me anywhere close to spiralling again, which meant locking away emotions. Locking away everything.
"But I know I'm harsh sometimes, too harsh...I'll try and relax a bit more," Mina mutters, glancing over at me curiously, then nudging me playfully, "Especially if I'm scolding your girlfriend."
"She's not my..."
My words disappear. The syllables echo.
Girlfriend.
"Right, of course," Mina hums, "That hasn't changed either."
My lack of commitment, she means. But all I want to do is commit to Ava and I can't even admit that to myself. This isn't like anyone else, any stupid things I've done in the past. This is more, so much more.
I do want her to be my girlfriend. I want her to be my everything. Fuck.
"It's complicated..." I reply, simplifying the whole Riley mess we've started.
Mina just tuts, like she's waiting for the rest of the explanation. I focus my gaze on the path as we walk, the few lines of stores as we edge closer to the deli we're headed to. My mind softens, like it remembers being comfortable enough with Mina to talk about these things.
"It wasn't supposed to be anything...it started as an accident," I explain, "My sister doesn't know...she'll loose her fucking shit. It's just...I like Ava, a lot, but that comes with a lot of consequences that are messy and stupid."
It feels nice to say out loud, to get everything bubbling in my head off my chest. But it also makes reality feel worse. No matter what I do, how much I attempt to get my sister to forgive me, it'll still blow up in my face.
Mina laughs, again, covering her face with her hands, "Sorry! It's not funny, I promise. You're just the only person who would ever be in such a shitty situation."
When I give her a mock frown she smiles, wide, "I've missed you, you stupid idiot."
I've missed her too. The truth doesn't come out but I hope the smile on my face communicates it as much as it can.
We keep walking towards the deli, floating into random topics of conversation.
We dance around the hard stuff, for now anyway.
I find out the pink highlights disappeared because Mina was convinced her hair would fall out if she kept dying it, she bought Cathy's on a whim after saving up just enough money to keep her afloat, she's on good terms with her parents now.
She didn't get glasses until a year ago when she walked straight into a glass window and gave herself a concussion.
It was embarrassing enough for her to put her stubbornness aside.
We order, sit, begin to eat. The tomato in my sandwich is half-falling out as Mina goes off on some tangent, her familiar voice speeding at a million miles an hour.
"When was the last time we actually saw each other? Before this?" She asks, fork pausing in her salad.
I pause. I remember, vaguely anyway.
"Your house, a few days before I went to college."
Her eyes light up in recognition, "Oh my god, yes! In the front yard because my dad was losing his shit about something but I still wanted to say goodbye."
The memory flashes past, the echo of her dad's rambling, her goodbye that felt final. It's so distant but talking about it brings it into focus slightly.
"I wish it wasn't like that...but you know..." She murmurs.
The particles in the air stiffen like they always do when the unspoken is referenced. You know. The truth wrapped in a neat little package. My jaw clenches, like it's bracing for impact. I think we're finally getting to the important stuff.
"Sometimes I wonder if things would've been different if..." She swallows a lump in her throat, "If we hadn't seen that, or I guess if it hadn't happened at all."
It. What happened.
It's been so long since anyone's mentioned it outright.
Mina's head lifts up curiously, "Nole?"
I hadn't even realised I'd stopped speaking. My fingers tighten around the bread in my hands and I clear my throat, searching for something, anything. Why is this so fucking difficult?
"Yeah, yeah...I guess it changed a lot."
It changed everything.
Sheepishness filters through Mina's face, dismantling that strong sense of confidence she's had in the last forty minutes. She takes a few more stale chews of her salad before opening her mouth to speak. When nothing comes out she tries again a few moments later.
"Diego...what did he say to you?"
Everything from that interaction a few weeks ago spirals back.
The venom in his voice, the snarky threats, the things he said about Ava.
My anger, the burning emotions I buried so long ago flooding back into my clenched fists.
His face fractures in my brain, dark hair, slanted, cunning eyes.
My chest tightens itself until my brain is buzzing.
"His brother," I manage to say, "He's getting out a month from now. And he stalked Ava and marked another one of my sister's friends, a present he said. A warning for me."
Mina's eyebrows crease into a mix of worry and pessimistic knowing, "Fuck. That's bad, I'm sorry. He always loved to drag other people into his shit."
"If anyone hasn't changed, it's him," I murmur.
"He appeared in front of the cafe a few times...watched me. Then approached me at closing one day, said the same thing...about Xavier... getting out."
The name shatters everything.
Xavier.
I haven't thought it, haven't heard it. I don't let it enter my brain, lock it off completely. Hearing it makes sound and colour throttle forward, rattle in my ears until I feel sick. I can hear his slimy voice, promising me things I never got. I feel 14 again. I feel trapped and hazy and unstable.
Unprecedented bile rises to my throat, my head spins harder than it has in ages. All those memories splinter and crack and explode behind my eyes.
"I didn't think it would be scary..." Mina continues, voice so quiet I'm surprised I can still hear it, "I always imagined that I'd be stronger, if I ever saw them again, but my words disappeared. I was scared. It really fucked me up, Nole."
Maybe it scared me too, under all the rage.
"I don't know how he's even managed it, he got ten fucking years."
"For armed robbery..." Mina mutters, "There was always the chance of them reducing his sentence...I just never thought by this much."
My fingertips tap on the table, louder as a fresh jolt of irritation slices through me. It's steadying, for a moment, but that buried fury is still stirring in my gut. I blink, hard, to try and make it go away.
"So now what?" I mutter, voice low enough that no other tables can hear, "Is he just going to kill us the first chance he gets?"
A silence rises.
We both know that's not how he operates.
It's not valuable to him to just have us die. We were more useful as his stupid little minions. But we're not teenagers anymore, not able to throw away every fragile second. Coercing us back under his rule would take violence, blackmail, other life-threatening shit.
"I don't want to know what he's planning," is all Mina says, but so sure it feels like she's come up with some way to avoid his shit.
I watch her eyes dart down, hesitantly, then back up with mustered courage. Does she actually have a solution to this?
"I had one idea...but you're going to hate it."
It piques my interest, stills the buzzing of emotions in my head. I've been here pushing it to the back of my mind, stupidly ignoring it, but Mina's come up with something useful. I doubt I'll hate it that much, especially if it gets us out of this mess.
"What's the idea?"
She swallows, visibly, one hand coming up to adjust her glasses gently. Time stretches for a few seconds, reeks of anticipation. What could she possibly say that's this bad?
"I think...we should get him tried for the real crime."
Oh.
"We should try and go back to court with the real story."
I know she's still speaking but I can barely hear it, blood pumping in my ears.
"No," I shoot out, so quickly it surprises me.
She just scoffs, like she knew this is how I'd act, "You knowit's the only way to get him locked away for good."
"It's also the only way to ruin our fucking lives, Mina."
The voice barely feels like mine. I hope I'm not too loud in this very public place but I couldn't tell you, not with the muffled thump of my heartbeat drowning everything out. She doesn't know what she's talking about, the implications of everything.
There's a reason Diego didn't get locked up for as long as he should have, that reason hasn't magically fucking disappeared. We were witnesses, too close, too involved. No one can prove we had nothing to do with it, hell, there's probably more evidence we were involved.
Scattered images I haven't thought about in years flicker through my vision like a slideshow. The bodies. The gunshot wounds. The tears. The walls, closing in, everything spinning, voices hollowed and scraping at every corner.
Mina's confidence is knocked but she still shakes her head, "Yes, it's crazy, I know that! But what if we try to gain some sort of immunity? I wanted to contact the family, try and reason with them, re-open Maria's case-"
"Are you crazy?" Is all I interrupt with, my voice a whispered yell.
The family. That poor fucking family I used to think about, when I still had nightmares, when drowning all of this out was harder, not like instinct.
Why would they ever believe us? How could they trust us? And the police...what reason would they have to give us immunity anyway?
"What's the alternative, Nole? Let Diego and Xaviertake out their psycho revenge on us?" She hisses, fork jamming upright in her hand and into the table.
"I don't know," I say with a swallow, "But what you're suggesting...it risks too much. Everything will collapse, everything we've built away from them."
"But it will collapse anyway! If they hurt us, or hurt people around us or, fuck it, just kill us outright, won't that ruin our future too?"
Her last words come out almost choked and with so much momentum our mouths snap shut. The last few minutes echo, hang in the air like we're forced to face them. I watch her expression, dancing around exasperation and worry.
I hate that she's right.
Because yes, anything Diego and his brother are planning will bring my life to a standstill. It will completely and entirely fuck everything up. But what she wants to do, unveil things that could incriminate us for a crime we didn't commit, can't be the right thing to do either.
Both options are terrible.
Everything leads to the implosion of our lives.
Jesus. I'm fucked.
"Please..." Mina mutters after the silence settles so long I want to scream, "Just let me try and contact Maria's family, anonymously. It's fucking scary, I know, but putting Xavier away forever might be the only way to end all of this. He deserves it, for what he did. He's a piece of shit."
I know he's terrible. The imprint of what makes him terrible lives in my subconscious every single second of every day. There's a reason he ended up in prison for armed robbery.
"What if they trace everything back to you, Mina? What if they just call the police, find out you're contacting them and arrest you?"
"I know it's possible," She concedes, "But the police have been useless with Maria's case for six years. They shut it after two, despite the fact every single question went unanswered. I'm counting on the fact these people don't trust them."
I still don't know what to say, whether to agree to this insane plan. It sounds like Mina's made up her mind either way, like she's convinced herself this is the only way out.
Maybe it is. Or maybe it's self destruction.
I bring my hand up to my jaw, a groan of confusion, stress, even, slipping from my lips before I can stop it. My brain is rattling, I don't know what to think, where to look. Images I never want to see again are still too vivid all of a sudden.
"Listen," Mina speaks again, leaning a bit more seriously over the table, "You go to your wedding over the weekend and think it through.
I'll try and contact someone in the family, see if there's anyone who wants to hear me talk.
If you decide we're doing this, we can see it through. How does that sound?"
"Still insane," I murmur, but I appreciate her patience with my brain-malfunction and stubbornness.
She's giving me a realistic choice. Something I can really think about.
If there is someone who might believe us, help us paint the true, real picture of what happened on that awful day then we might have a way out.
The right people get justice and we don't have a daunting raincloud of the past over our heads.
Besides, is there even any other route out of this?
I nod, reluctantly, but stronger as I come to terms with my decision, "Fine. I'll think about it. I can't believe you've talked me into this."
"Good, thank you," Mina hums, voice still solemn, "It's not like you have any other ideas."
I just sigh. She's right.
"Oh, and, one more thing."
I raise my brows, slightly, waiting for any more life-changing bombshells to hit me. Mina's lips pull into a peeking smile.
"Grow up and make Ava your girlfriend before I finish you off myself."
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