Blindly Yours

42 | A plan

?? ?????????? ??

I hadn't planned to answer Mina's call as soon as we got back.

I hadn't made a fucking decision about anything, not really.

But she found someone, someone related to Maria, to the case. Someone who wants to talk. It sounds insane, unbelievable almost, but it's real. Her voice down the phone was filled with actual, tangible hope. She thinks this tiny string could be our way out of all of this.

Most of me is still stuck on the consequences.

If any of this goes south then our lives are over, we could be fucking arrested.

And it could so easily implode - this person we're meeting could throw us under the bus so easily, they owe us nothing.

Trusting years old secrets with a stranger is probably the worst decision we could make.

But things are different since the situation with Ava's dad.

The past, her past, caught up with her so dangerously she was nearly hurt.

Things she's been hiding for years still came back, still chased her, no matter how hard she tried to outrun them.

Watching her cry like that, surrender all those terrible events she had to go through, straightened out some of my own chaos.

It was the first time I let that hidden anger rise to the top, let itself out.

And it didn't feel good. I mean, yes, her dad deserved that punch and so much fucking more, but it shouldn't have been the solution.

All thisanger,it doesn't do anything but make things complicated, it twists up everything that's already a mess.

So, when Mina asked me if I was in on her plan, I somehow said yes. Because as scary as it is, it's the only solution. A real way out of this.

I have to stop lying to myself. And probably everyone else in my life too.

Ava knows where I'm going, but still not everything. Not anything past me and Mina meeting a so-called old friend. It doesn't even feel like protecting her anymore, just guilt, that she's so open and I'm practically a brick wall. I can't live like this anymore.

If this bullshit works and we finally deal with the ghosts of our past Ava will know everything. She deserves transparency, not someone who will lead her into a shit-show just like her dad.

"Be careful," Her familiar voice cuts through my phone.

"Mhm," I murmur back, already missing her. It's been just over a day, back to the confines of this town, watchful eyes that keep us apart. "I will be."

"I'm serious, don't do anything stupid." Her voice sharpens, like she's sucking in a breath. I know that she's still in a jumpy headspace, anxiety is eating her alive. I wish I could see her right now.

"I won't, pretty girl, I promise," I say, just as I get out the car, a soft breeze humming in the air. "Don't worry about me, just rest, you've been through a lot."

"I'd be going through less if I knew what you were actually doing right now..."

Guilt pinches at my stomach again. I'll tell her the truth, as soon as this is over I remind myself, trying to block out the rest of my thoughts.

Why can't I do anything without hurting people?

"I told you, it's just... figuring some things out, making sure bad people can't get to us again. I'm fixing things, fixing a mess I created."

She sighs down the line and I can picture her face, small pout, hesitant eyes, "You're lucky I trust you."

Her words make me crack a tiny smile, "I am."

I really am.

"I have to go, baby," I push out reluctantly, "I miss you. I'll see you as soon as I can."

"I miss you too..." She hums back, "Bye, Nolan."

"Bye," I say as the line goes dead.

I look up at my surroundings, taking it in properly.

A diner, situated on the outskirts of Ivefield. One of those places that feels abandoned and buried in civilization at the same time. The red light of an arrow-shaped sign flashes open at me a few times before I push open the door.

The faint sound of dishes clashing seeps into my ears. The lighting is low and hazy as I scan the mostly empty booths, quickly picking out the faint shape of bodies towards the back. Mina's angled towards the door and her eyes light up immediately, half warning, half relief.

Fuck it. I guess I'm doing this.

With whatever confidence I have left I stride over to where they're sat, turning to slide in beside Mina. I don't know who to expect when I look up - I definitely don't expect to recognise this mystery guy.

Long dark hair, down past his shoulders. Sharp, dark eyes that study me without a hint of visible emotion. Lips that had a cigarette slotted through them almost two months ago. That general air of familiarity.

Luke.

My body freezes. My defences are up suddenly. I must seem shocked because Mina's brows crease into a frown, studying the stale silence between us both. I'm not sure what to say. We've never spoken, but it still feels like we know each other in some way.

My brain spins, looking at his face up close for the first time - then it clicks. I can place him properly, not just outside Riley's office.

His face in the papers, plastered on local news channels.

After Maria's disappearance he was the one campaigning for her, trying to get the story out there as much as possible.

I avoided it at the time, racked with guilt and selfishly, my own world coming down around me.

But I caught glimpses of him sometimes, those interviews, begging for an ever-uncooperative police to do something more than just claim they have no evidence.

He had shorter hair then, a younger face... more hope maybe. Even then, I can'tbelieve I hadn't recognised him. The cogs turning in my head bring words to a stop.

Mina stiffens, unsure whether to let her guard down, "Nolan, Luke is Maria's cousin..."

"I know," I interrupt, "I recognise him."

Luke just chuckles, eyes narrowed, face still close to emotionless.

"Do you two know each other...?" Mina questions, quietly. She's trying to figure out what the hell's going on. I think I am too.

"Something like that," He murmurs.

Everything he does seems calculated, fingers tapping against the table as his eyes flick between us.

Something like that?Does he know me too?

Does he know I'm related to Riley?It irritates me that I can't figure out exactly what he knows.

The longer I don't, the more this starts to feel like a setup.

"What?" He taunts casually, "You think I wouldn't know both of you, after all this time?"

If it's even possible, the room somehow gets quieter.

Power shifts, crawls towards his direction.

Mina didn't expect this, I can tell. Everything feels a lot more dangerous, explosive.

We all know intersecting information that we're holding for ransom and no one's willing to give up their version of the truth.

We're both quiet. There's something unspoken, a rule being written. Be careful about what you say next. Neither of us know Luke's assumptions, what he thinks he knows. Whatever evidence he has that can rewrite anything into history.

Luke laughs, pushing a smile onto his face that could probably be mistaken for friendly in the right situation - right now it's anything but.

"I'm the only person who ever cared enough to dig into Maria's life, investigate her case properly...do you genuinely think I couldn't find your loose ends?"

Shit.

I'd always assumed that Xavier covering his tracks meant covering everyone's.

Me and Mina were always leads towards him, it only made sense for our actions to become invisible too.

Of course there was doubt, that if someone tried hard enough we'd fade back into the picture.

There's a chance Luke is the one to resurface everything.

"And what loose ends would those be?" Mina challenges. She's always been good at that, acting calm even when things are recklessly unstable.

"All of them, actually," Luke mutters, "People talk, all you need is the right price. Once I found an in, it wasn't hard to find your names, your patterns, the people you hung around."

"For someone who claims to know a lot you're being pretty vague," I hit back.

"Maybe," He shrugs, "I've given up on blind trust."

Mina rolls her eyes, leaning forward steadily, "What do you want? If you're going to accuse us of something, just do it."

He tilts his head, "Do you want to be accused of anything?"

It's annoyingly avoidant. He's toying with us like this is some fun game he's playing. I don't know how he even expects us to answer that so I pivot to the other burning question on my mind.

"Riley," I offer, hesitantly, "You know her?"

"Your sister? Sure," Luke nods, like it's a certain fact. There's something almost smug about his face, like he's waiting for something to unravel itself, "She's nice...talks a lot when she's drunk, though... maybe too much..."

I freeze.

"What?"

"We had a fancy company dinner recently and, being the generous person that she is, managed to score me an invite, despite me just being a janitor, how thoughtful of her, right?"

That night Riley went out. The night I went to Ava's.

"Anyway, let's just say a few more glasses of wine fell into her cup than usual, and I got her talking about her estranged brother. It was way more effective than my usual approach..."

Static buzzes in my head suddenly, jumping to a very bad conclusion. What the hell did he do to her?

"Relax," He hums, eyeing my tensed jaw, "I didn't drug her or anything. I just... helped her with her drinks and had a conversation. She made it back home from the restaurant fine."

Something in me sinks knowing that no one would've been home, not my parents, not me. Riley probably thought she got overexcited about her promotion, was too embarrassed to say. He didn't do anything, or at least he says he didn't - the fact he could haveis enough.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I spit, loud enough that Mina shoots me a glare to be quiet. She's not taking Luke's shit either though, reducing her voice to a whisper-demand.

"You were trying to get something from Riley? Why?"

"More information, something to help me build my trail that leads right to you two," He pauses, "But it looks like you came to me instead."

Before he can say anymore a bored-looking waitress appears, pen and pad in hand. She glares at us, unaware of the secrets crackling in the air. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly Luke thinks he knows as he orders himself some fries. I don't get anything, too distracted to eat.

When the waitress leaves he casts his attention back on us again. That look, like he's outsmarting us by simply existing, grates at me even harder. A sentence snaps from my lips before I can help it.

"Cut the crap, what do you think we did, huh? What do you want from us?"

He kisses his teeth. He's thinking, maybe realising that this speaking in vague sentences doesn't help him either. There's no end goal if we're talking in circles.

"I think you know exactly what happened to my cousin...and her son."

The words hit harder because we do.

We were there, we do know exactly what happened. If life wasn't so twisted and fucked up I'd be recounting all those buried memories right now. They're slipping through, the echoes of violent images. If there wasn't everything at stake maybe we'd be telling Luke the truth.

I came here wanting to end this, both of us did.

"And what do you think happened?" Mina asks. Her voice flatlines a bit, like her own gnawing guilt is approaching in the same way mine is.

Luke's face cracks, for a single second. He looks like a man sick of fighting for justice for years, sick of coming to dead end after dead end. He's so close to lying his cards out on the table, I can see it.

Even though he's been skirting every issue since the moment we got here, even though he got my sister drunk for his weird personal motive, I try to push everything aside for one rational moment.

Whether I like him or not I need to get through to him.

"Listen, Mina wouldn't have contacted you if this wasn't important. We don't have to trust each other... but there's a reason you're here and not at a police station."

He scoffs,"Because the police have been so generous so far..."

"Exactly," I insist, "If you think we were involved and you're still here, still talking to us, then you must be desperate for answers. Tell us what you know and we might be able to help you."

Mina goes to speak but stops, letting my words sink in for a second. Luke eyes me with newfound caution, but I can tell he's really considering this.

"I can't..." He murmurs eventually, like the rest of the sentence dropped away.

He's breaking.

"Please..." Mina breathes, "We're just as tired as you are... we want all of this to end too."

Luke sucks in a deep breath, one filled with cautious regret. Then his eyes glaze over slightly, like old memories are fresh in his mind again. He's about to take a chance, just like we did by meeting him here today.

"I knew some things about Maria that the police refused to get involved in.

.." He starts, every few words broken up by pauses.

"She had bad back pain that she couldn't afford to get properly medicated.

She started taking other drugs, sketchy ones.

I didn't know where from, but it was obvious.

Her energy would go from high to low, no in-between, just extremes.

She was either in pain or she wasn't..."

He pauses again, trying to read us. I give him a nod, a singular gesture that we're actually listening. He continues like he can't believe we're even talking about this. I can't either.

"She was being taken advantage of... whoever it was kept offering her deals, lower prices, exploiting her. She just wanted to be in less pain so she could be a functioning parent to Jake."

The more he talks, the more he fills in gaps. I didn't know Maria, not really. I'd seen her a few times, one of Xavier's regulars. And it sounds like he preyed on her exactly the same way he did everyone else.

"I'd told this to the police from the beginning.

.." Luke murmurs, voice dropping to something more broken, "But there was no body, so there was no evidence of drugs, no dealer's trail to follow.

She wouldn't just fucking disappear...she wouldn't just take her son and fall off the face of the earth. .."

He's right. She didn't disappear.They didn't disappear.

"They just wanted to close the case, called it a runaway, said it happens all the time.

They were so fucking useless, they didn't even search her things properly.

After a year I gave up begging." He leans back, fully lost in the memory.

"I started looking myself. Maria had a journal hidden in her belongings.

It had some numbers and addresses scribbled down.

It was hard to decipher but I did it, Imade sense of everything. "

I catch a sideways glance from Mina, a gentle recognition. This is where things start leading back to us, back to Diego and Xavier.

"I tried the addresses...but there was never anyone there. The numbers were all disconnected. I tried, for months, and then the police shut the case. Unsolved but they fucking shut it."

I watch his fist clench on the table with a type of anger I recognise. Unrestrained, biting at his entire nervous system. I feel like I should say something but his words are falling out like he's been holding them in for eternity.

"I was depressed. More than that. I couldn't function. Everything felt pointless, my searching, her life. Our family is small and troubled, no one else ever cared. Her parents are dead. Maria and Jake just... faded out, like they were never here at all."

My own secrets don't feel so heavy anymore.

If anything I feel fucking shameful, that I hid what happened and let it become forgotten because I was scared of losing my entire life.

Maria had that life completely taken away from her.

I blink as more snapshots of that room, the screaming, the blood, breaches the defences in my brain.

"I moved around, tried to move on with my life.

.. but two years ago, something in me wanted to try again.

I went back to a few addresses, the same sketchy neighbourhood I'd driven around many times.

But this time I ran into a man who recognised Maria when I showed him a photo.

Said she used to hang around there back in the day. "

One of Xavier's many insane friends?

"I tried to get more info, I could tell he knew more, but people don't just speak.

Not when it comes to secrets like that," Luke sighs, "I said I'd give him whatever he wanted.

It worked. I met him a day later and paid up.

He took me to someone else, a man who knew everything.

He told me your names, that there was a group of you involved in selling drugs. "

Fuck.

"Then he showed me an old photo, one with you two front and centre. And in the background... it was fucking Maria. I couldn't believe it."

My brain basically explodes. I have a million questions, all whilst my chest tightens in an effort not to let the past hit me too hard. What fucking photo? How does that even exist? Mina asks my other questions before Luke can keep going.

"Who was the man?" She urges, tone serious again, "What did he look like?"

Luke hesitates, eyes flicking between us. Now he's out of the flow of speaking that calculated demeanour is returning. His wall is going back up.

"Telling us is only going to help you," I say quickly.

Luke coughs, face forming into a look that says I hate that I'm agreeing to this.

"Brown hair, mullet...uh, neck tattoo... long sorta face..." He murmurs, trying to pick apart the memory.

Mina's finger stops tapping on the table. A silence falls across us. She connects the dots too.

Fucking Diego.

Which means all these things he told Luke, the photo, implying me and Mina were the controlling force in this, was all to frame us. There's no way Diego didn't get wind of Luke poking around again and his first defense was to throw us directly at him.

Like a comically timed joke the waitress reappears with fries, placing them down on the table, She gives us a barely interested look, then retreats back to the kitchen. The moment stretches on for about a million years.

Diego didn't just act like us, two teenagers, were capable of a horrific fucking crime but also had proof. Some photo we didn't know about. Him and his brother have probably been planning this for a day where their facade comes crumbling down.

"What?" Luke questions, "You know him?"

Mina shakes her head slowly. Not a no, just a shake of disbelief.

"So that's a yes..." Luke kisses his teeth again, then pushes the fries towards us, "Hungry?"

"Keep talking," I murmur, unamused.

There's another beat before he surrenders more information.

"I didn't know what to do at first. Throwing evidence at people never worked. So I looked into you two, the rebellious teenagers with troubled home lives. Or I guess you used to be, before you...cleaned up your image."

The idea makes me cringe. I can barely think of myself back then.

"So I got closer in other ways. I thought working in the same building as your sister would help. I wanted to get information out of her, but she was reserved, polite, never opened up. I tried so hard, even attempted to approach that friend of hers, Ava."

Her name snaps me out of concentration immediately.

He spoke to Ava!?

I stiffen completely, eyes wide and a new surge of emotion bursts behind my vision. He's been spying on my sister and probably scared the shit out of my girlfriend. A tangle of anger and disbelief rage in my stomach.

Mina shoots me a look, a calm down maybe, but I ignore it. Some protective defense has kicked in and is burning harder than anything else. It's probably a good thing he keeps talking before I can call him a psychotic creep.

Luke's voice slices through the air with a harsh tone, "But then you came back, and I thought it was my chance, to get some evidence, finally prove that you had something to do with the disappearance. I tried, but I never got the chance, never got close enough."

His eyes flick up with vengeance, "That stunt with Riley was my last desperate attempt. I thought that now you were back in her life, getting her drunk might trigger all her memories."

I almost bite into my tongue, "You fucking-!"

Mina interrupts, "What did she say?"

"What Nolan was like, that he disappeared often, got into fights. But I pushed, harder than that. I wanted to know what you were doing six years ago on the date Maria disappeared. It would be a miracle for her to remember... "

That sick smile pushes onto his face, twisted satisfaction that makes his next words seem inevitable. There's no way? It was so long ago, so distant. I'd always thought that time was an ugly blur for the both of us.

"She fucking remembered."

The statement makes me dizzy.

I only partially remember that day, the moments after everything happened slowed into nothing. There's fragments, noises, a blend of senses. No concise timeline. It's the worst I've ever felt in my life and that pit in my stomach creeps back anytime I think about it.

But Riley... she'd checked out of my bullshit by then. She didn't talk to me, didn't beg for explanations anymore. No one wanted anything to do with me.

How could she have possibly remembered anything?

My heart stops with the idea that maybe I'd given it all away and not realised. I was so fucking out of it, I wouldn't have noticed an obvious trail if it hit me in the face. Has Riley suspected I was involved in something the entire time and not told anyone?

"You're lying," I murmur. The voice doesn't sound like it's coming from me.

Luke shakes his head, still grinning slimily.

"March, six years ago. You came home with blood on your hands, your shirt - more than she'd seen before. You didn't speak, looked like a ghost. Then you locked yourself in your room for a month and, in her words, changed into a different person."

It did change everything. I stopped living in a nightmare, I made it my mission to get out of Ivefield, away from Diego and Xavier.

I stopped drinking, stopped smoking, stopped everything.

The only thing I ever wanted from them after that was for Xavier to be locked up, once me and Mina sorted that out I never wanted to look back again.

But I don't remember the blood, the coming back home... it's all in pieces in my mind...

And even if it's in her subconscious, Riley has this picture of me stored in head somewhere.

Fuck.

Luke continues as the world is collapsing beneath me.

"Then I showed her a photo of Maria and she recognised that too," He tilts his head, watching us like a sick experiment, "She said she used to go through your old camera, one you left behind... she'd seen Maria in the background of one of the photos... just like your old friend showed me."

What the fuck?

I'd forgotten about that initial camera. I saved some SD cards, some photos stored here and there but the actual camera was old and housed too much shit. I thought it would be chucked in the attic, forgotten for a long time. Forever, preferably.

But Riley's seen those old photos?

Then there's the worrying realisation.

Photos with Maria in taken on my camera?

I would never remember that, I don't remember that.

But Diego clearly did, even years ago. Did he manage to get a copy of a photo from my camera just in case he had to frame me six years later? Is that even fucking possible?

Mina is speechless too, half from surprise, half from not wanting to interrupt my revelations. I want to say something but my mouth is clamped closed. The diner tilts around me.

"So?" Luke spits, "What did you do to her?"

I can only respond with silence. A loop is playing on repeat in my head. Riley, Maria, Diego, Luke, Ava. Things I thought I knew are all fucked up, knotted with new secrets.

Luke just scoffs, "I don't know what fuckery you were mixed up in but I know you were there. Both of you. Tell me what the fuck happened to my cousin."

I bite my tongue too hard but when I look at Mina, her eyes are wide, flashing me a knowing look. Then she nods, so shakily it would be impossible to miss.

It's the go ahead, that we're going to trust this stranger.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

"We... we know what happened," Mina swallows with fractured admittance, "We were there... but it wasn't us. The people who did hurt your cousin are dangerous, people who have already tried to frame us by telling you our names."

"How can I believe that?"

"You can't," I admit, "But we're willing to go to court for it... if we get immunity, guaranteed protection, we'll testify against those monsters ourselves."

Luke blinks, still not believing us, "You're serious?"

We both nod and I ignore the swirling sickness in my stomach.

This is doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing.

"We can make blind tips, hire a lawyer, agree to talk if we're protected..." Mina says, punctuating our point.

For once, Luke looks actually speechless. His gaze is only hopeful for half a second though, before it dampens to his usual permanently dismayed look.

"It's not enough... the case is closed," He sighs, "You'd need actual evidence... something that would be unavoidable."

"Like what?"

He tuts, "... a confession."

A confession?

That's probably the one thing we can't get.

Xavier is unfortunately smart, and locked up.

He'd never just admit to anything.

The idea of even coming face to face with him makes my gut twist tighter.

But there's no other evidence besides our word, everything was cleaned up like it never happened.

I run a frustrated hand across my face, brain pacing in circles. This isn't going to work. I knew it was a stupid idea. It's all balanced on hope, the single chance someone won't just arrest us and throw us in jail with the people who actually committed this crime.

"The guy responsible for this, he gets out of jail in a week and a half..." Mina asserts suddenly.

I glance over at her as she fumbles through the words. Her face attempts to masquerade something bold, confident. She's not actually considering this confession idea, right?

"We could always try and set him up, record a confession. He'll be looking for us the second he gets out anyway," She shrugs. Like this is viable, like we might actually do this.

It's fucking insane - worse than the idea to come here today.

It'd mean us going to him, risking our own lives for information we can't even be sure he'll give up.

Diego has only ever been vague, speaking around the issue, I'm sure they're more calculated than we'll ever be.

I mean, they had photo evidence to frame us the second someone got a little too interested.

"Mina..." I murmur, trying to figure out just how much she means what she's saying.

"That would work," Luke asserts.

Of course it would work as evidence, but tricking someone like Xavier is not an easy feat. I just blink like I've been thrown into an alternate universe.

Mina nods towards me, "He's been harbouring hate against us for years, he probably won't just kill us outright...I reckon if we push him enough he'll confess."

"He's smarter than that..." I murmur, "It's too dangerous."

"I'm willing to take the risk," She snaps back.

It's clear that Mina came here with her mind made up.

I try and think clearly, through all the noise. Would Xavier really not notice if we tried to secretly record him? Get a confession out of him? There's a chance... he's clearly angry, focused on whatever revenge he has planned.

Is there a second where he could fuck up? Slip up?

If he did, if we got that evidence, he'd go away for good - that's what we want, right? I swallow down any reasonable evidence for the contrary and wave a regrettable hand in the air.

"Fuck it... we can try and get a confession...if it's what we need."

Why am I agreeing to this?

Mina's eyes light up. I don't think she expected me to agree either.

"So," She starts, eyeing Luke "Are you going to trust us now?"

He chomps his way through the fry in his hand, thinking. He has no reason to agree to any of this, then again we both just laid our cards out on the table. We're in the same open position, we just need an alliance.

"Yes," He nods after a moment, "Tell me everything, who these people are, how it happened. If we can really get these assholes locked up, I'll be grateful forever...it's all I'm really living for anymore."

Everything. The moments that only ever reply in my nightmares or when I close my eyes for too long. Saying it out loud, letting the full picture fade back into view might be the one thing that scares me.

"We have a deal," Mina says, reaching her hand across the table to shake Luke's. He takes it, firm grip solidifying this insane plan.

It feels dangerous. It feels stupid and insane...but it also feels like the only way out.

We're going to get Xavier to confess and lock him up for good.

We're going to end this.

?? ?????? ??

"So, what do you think?" Riley asks, spinning to face me.

She's just spent the last ten minutes giving me a tour around her new apartment, all whilst avoiding the millions of boxes scattered across the floor.

"It's great," I nod, gesturing to the space, "Really great."

It is. It's a bit small but there's a nice kitchen, a bedroom with a good view of a nearby park, a shower and fully furnished living room.

Sunlight streams across the wooden floors, making droplets of previous rain standout on the windows.

When it's not in so much unpacking chaos I can really see Riley making this place her own.

I'm actually insanely jealous. But I'm proud of her, she worked hard for this, deserves her own space finally. I keep a steady smile on my face, keeping my energy invested in this so other recent events don't snake their way back into my conscious.

"I can't wait to have you over here properly," She hums, skipping through the small hallway. I follow her trail slowly. "It'll practically be like we're roommates."

I smile at her thoughtfulness. She always knows the right thing to say. When she flops onto the couch she beckons for me to follow her, so I do. She grabs the remote, clearly still trying to figure out this new TV.

"It's that button," I murmur, watching as she fumbles looking for the streaming services, "No- that one..."

"Ugh!" She sighs dramatically, pushing it into my hands, "You just do it."

I snort a laugh but happily take it from her, managing to navigate it much easier, scrolling through a big wall of movies and shows. I let Riley ramble beside me, about work, about Cole's distance since our confrontation. Selfishly, with all my bigger problems I'd completely forgotten about that.

But then, her voice drops off, fading into hesitant open silence. I frown, glancing over at her, only to find a curious look about to explode into a grin. When I follow her eyesight I immediately wish I hadn't.

"Oh my god, Ava, is that a hickey?"

Fuck. Shit.

I can't see it properly, but it's almost faded now. Enough that I didn't notice it in the mirror, enough that I forgot to fucking cover it. When your head is filled with your secret boyfriend's elusive past and, oh yeah, him punching your dad in the face, hickeys suddenly become invisible.

My eyes widen, an obvious admittance that, yes, I do have a hickey like a sixteen year old. My words disappear and in a moment of malfunction I just avert my eyes back to the TV, then shrug. Why is this happening right now?

Riley laughs like she can't believe it, "What happened to no guys?"

"It's nothing," I murmur. It's everything.

"No," She hums, touching my arm and forcing me to face her, "It's kinda the biggest deal ever. Who was it? You hooked up with someone? Wait...was it this family friend you visited?"

No, it was your brother.

I shake my head as words stick like cardboard in my throat. I need to make something up, lie quickly. The longer I act this guilty the more time she has to put the real pieces together. God, she could actually fucking figure this out if I'm not careful.

I swallow my panic, "It was a one time thing...I didn't know him or anything."

Her eyebrows raise even further if that's possible, "Shit. I can't remember the last time you did that, college probably? Why the sudden change?"

I shrug again, trying to play this off as casual. People change their minds all the time... this is just me changing my mind. In a life-changing, cataclysmic sort of way.

"Was he just the hottest man to roam earth ever?" She pushes, "Is that what finally pushed you out of your celibacy?"

"He was..." Is, my brain corrects, "...nice, and funny and hot. We just clicked and one thing led to another, but that's all it was, I promise. I didn't say anything because it's embarrassing... I'm not, like, getting back into dating or anything."

The lie catches in my chest, makes me feel bad immediately. I have to look away so the guilt of lying right to my best friend's face doesn't swallow me whole. Riley narrows her eyes, slightly suspicious but then her demeanour relaxes. Does she believe me?

"I mean, I didn't expect it but good for you," She smiles, nudging me with her shoulder, "We all deserve a good fuck...god, I'm jealous, what did he look like? I need to know what level of attractiveness we're working with here."

I have to physically stop myself from grimacing at her question. She'd probably throw up if she knew she was talking about her brother. I tread my words carefully, trying not to give myself away and also stopping her saying things she should not be saying.

"He was just... good-looking, okay? It happened quickly, I don't really want to think about it."

"You weren't drunk, right?"

I shake my head firmly, "No, no... it's just embarrassing, I mean, I have a fucking hickey. Like, seriously?" My face palms into my hands. Fucking Nolan and his inability to keep his lips off me for more than five seconds.

Riley falls into floaty giggles, "It's fine, trust me I just wish it was me. I really need a handsome stranger in my life."

A stranger. This would be easier if that was what Nolan actually was.

The thought drags my mind back to him, his secretive meeting, whatever the fuck he's doing.

I hope he's okay. I can tell our weekend away changed him, made him want to face up to whatever last secrets he has - I just wish they weren't a secret to me.

"So," Riley questions, taking the remote from where it slipped out my hand, "What are we watching?"

The rest of the late afternoon passes and by the time me and Riley have watched a few episodes of a show we don't really care about, then started unpacking a few random boxes, the sky has plunged into the darkness.

When I'm driving home I feel a bit better, steadied.

Riley can always distract me from everything else and I'm so grateful for that.

I get home an hour before my mom is due to leave for work and the sound of her cooking in the kitchen makes me brighten before I even see her. When I catch her with a hug from behind she laughs, murmuring something about being careful so she doesn't spill sauce on herself.

"Where were you again?" She asks as I go to perch beside the kitchen island, "Riley's new apartment, right?"

I nod, "Yeah. It's really nice, a few blocks away from the library."

Mom nods, still stirring her pot of something. Something that smells really, really good.

"Well that's nice. I'll have to talk to Sarah, we've been meaning to catch up for a while," She's trying to sound casual but I hear the glimmer of something else. Guilt, maybe. She always feels responsible for me, feels bad when I'm a step behind other people.

It's not her fault. It's never been her fault. I'll be at home, helping her for as long as I need to. That's a decision I'm not willing to negotiate. I mean, I dropped out of college for that very reason.

"How are you?" She hums, turning around to look at me, "How was your weekend with this boy I'm not allowed to hear about?"

I blink, unsure how much to even give away. We've only seen each other in passing since I got back, not enough for her to ask me this question. When I'm quiet she frowns, silently doubling down on her ask.

"It was really good," I insist. Good minus my dad showing up and asking me for money. "We had a really nice time."

That bit isn't a lie. Before the chaos I genuinely had the best time of my life. I got to watch a beautiful wedding ceremony, have the best sex of my life, spend time alone with my boyfriend. I wanted our little bubble of protection to last forever.

"You sure?" She pushes, hesitant, "You seemed a bit...distant when you came back."

I shake my head, "I was just tired. I promise, everything was great."

I'm not letting her know about dad. It's difficult, but after all the years of turmoil he caused her I can't see how bringing him up wouldn't just break her again.

She'd stress herself out more than she already does, get paranoid that he'd be coming back.

I don't want to see her like that again, never again.

He said he's leave us alone, for good, and for once I'm choosing to fucking believe him.

Mom hums, "Well, I'm glad then."

I nod quietly to myself.

I need to pretend everything is fine.

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