43 | Treading The Line
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"It wasn't that bad," Riley whisper-murmurs, placing knives and forks down, "They tolerated you, dad held a real conversation. That's...better than usual."
I wince in disagreement, watching her set the table from the corner of the room. I offered to help but she shooed me away. Our very awkward family outing has sent her into a flustered stress.
"Not really," I shrug, "Dad spent most of that time talking about sports and mom still doesn't look at me."
Riley throws me a look, "You're dramatic. She definitely looks at you."
"She looks through me, it's the same thing. You can't tell me there's no obvious distance between us.."
My sister sighs, waiting a minute before muttering, "It's been so long I can't even tell..."
I can tell, too much. It's hard to pretend to be a perfect family when we're not.
We can go shopping together, I can make polite conversation, but the most we're ever connected is probably our looks.
It's been harder to ignore the cracks when I've got a lot of other things weighing on my mind too.
Xavier, Mina, Luke - it's a fucking mess in my head right now.
"Go help mom," Riley says suddenly, motioning her head towards the kitchen and breaking me out my thoughts, "You need to make more of an effort."
"I am making an effort," I snap back. I really am. I start conversations that physically pain me, I offer to help wherever I can. But it also feels like I'm up against an immovable brick wall.
She just glares at me with a look I know meansdon't fuck this up. That being my shaky relationship with her and the practically imploded one with my parents. I take the hint, moving towards the appetising smell of dinner and the sound of my mom plating stuff up.
"Hey, mom," I offer softly, "You want me to take any of this to the table?"
She pauses, eyes glassy as if she didn't expect to see me here, then nods, "Yes, take the potatoes and green beans."
I nod, moving around to where the dishes are neatly placed on the island, "Everything smells great. Is this all from your garden?"
"The potatoes are, I've had them frozen for a few months," She moves between the various things she's doing, like stopping to make eye contact is too difficult, "Your sister says she'll miss them now she's gone..."
Your sister. She does that a lot, references Riley so she doesn't have to reference me. It's close enough that it feels normal, like something a family would say, but far enough from me that the past doesn't get in the way.
I try to cling onto Riley's demand. Ineed to make more of an effort.
"I miss them," I blurt out, before I even figure out what I want to say, "Your potatoes... your cooking, I mean. I did always love it."
Her finger stalls beside the bowl of green beans she was about to hand to me, the air goes stale. I can't predict what she's going to do next so I keep quiet, wait for the next reaction. It's not just about the food.
"Thank you," She murmurs eventually, but when she looks up, handing me the dish, I pause, trapping her in an actual interaction.
"I mean it... I'm sorry, that you felt like I didn't appreciate you.... I'm sorry that I acted like I didn't," Part of me still feels embarrassed to say it but I've come to realise apologies are pretty liberating. I don't want any more secrets in my life.
She blinks, looking directly at me for once.
Her lips curl into that flat, unassuming smile but something slightly different shines through on her face.
Surprise? Understanding?Either way she doesn't talk.
Maybe she's processing the fact that's probably the first sincere sorry I've given her since I was a kid.
I clear my throat, "I have a lot to apologise for, I know that. And I will, I promise. You and dad-"
Right on queue my dad appears in the kitchen, his presence interrupting some sort of moment I hadn't realised was building up. Words disappear and that heavy awkwardness floods back. Mom watches silently for another second before passing me the two bowls I was supposed to take five minutes ago.
I can hear my dad talking, probably the food, but I get caught on something before I can tune back into the world around me. A small nod from my mom, an acknowledgment. It's minuscule - but it's there. It might mean she's willing to give me a chance to rebuild this.
I didn't expect that at all.
By the time we've all sat down at the table Riley gives me a curious look, like she's asking a question just by staring at me. I wonder if my surprise at mom's warmth is showing on my face. Either way, her attention moves back to speaking through a million topics at full speed.
We cover what feels like everything - or at least she does.
Her moving, her new position at work, Ava's magazine photoshoot.
It's happening a few days after this stupid plan with Xavier.
Just hearing her name puts me back in an alternate universe.
A universe where I'm doing stupid, reckless things that I can't seem to stop.
"Nolan," Riley murmurs, bringing me back to the present, "Have you finally admitted that you can't fix your car yourself?"
I shrug. My car was being janky the entire time me and Ava were in the city, I was half convinced it would break down on the way back. But honestly I've had bigger fish to fry.
"You should get that looked at," My dad chimes in, in that father-ish way, like he knows everything.
"I know, I know," I mutter. Maybe they're right. I'm sure it'll only cost me more money in the long run if I keep avoiding the issues. And I love my car, I don't want to replace it, even if I could afford it.
"McPherson, that daft bat, had the same run down car for years and it broke down on him. Just completely died all together, that's what happens when you're not careful," Dad keeps going on a muttering tangent.
Riley gives me a look, one that says don't be too harsh on him.
That's because she already knows I'm frustrated.
That's dad's way of putting up a wall, talking about a life I have nothing to do with.
At least here at the dinner table there's less chance of him suddenly leaving for a work call.
I clear my throat, "Yeah, I'll take it to the shop in a few days. I have an important job next week and I'd kinda like to have a working car by then..."
"Another one of those weddings?" Dad asks, skeptical.
"No, there's a funfair in town. They want me to get some promo shots, people on rides, smiling, that sorta thing."
"Oh well...I haven't been to one of those since I was a lot younger. My back couldn't handle that now..."
My mother smiles gently at that, "Your father used to love the funfair. That's why he used to take you as kids so much. You barely qualified for any of the rides but he still made a point of going."
The memories are very vague. I was young, the main things that spike in my brain are candy apples and big, sparkling lights. But I do remember in that hazy childhood way. Before everything went wrong.
"We should go again sometime," I offer, "Like we used to."
The room gets tighter, my mom's face pushes into that hurtful nostalgia territory. I wait, for a second, hoping everything doesn't implode... then it doesn't.
"Maybe we should," Mom nods, "We'll see if dad's back lives up to the challenge."
When he grumbles something in response she laughs, actually laughs. I can't remember the last time she laughed around me. I hope the cheesy smile on my face doesn't make me look as much of an idiot as I feel. Am I making progress with them?
Riley, who's been letting our conversation play out without interrupting for once, finally speaks, "I didn't know about the funfair, that's cool! You don't usually do that stuff."
It's true, I don't. But I added a few non-traditional bits to my portfolio, just because I could I guess. Maybe in the spirit of doing new things. Plus I added a few of those new photos of Ava I liked so much. It attracted some attention, actually got me a job. I'm still wrapping my head around it.
"Me and my friends are going on the opening day, is that when you'll be there?" When I nod she smiles back, "Cool, when you're done come hang out with us."
It feels... casual. Not like a weighted chore or something she's expecting out of me. It feels like we just hang out now. Like we're closer to a real sibling relationship than ever.
This whole meal is feeling closer to normalcy than anything else that's happened in this house. It's so different from the chaos I still have to deal with but maybe that's a good thing. It's one part of my life that's healing, now I've just got to fix the other parts.
When we've all eaten I'm passing plates to my dad in the kitchen. As he begins the washing up duty my mom promptly put him on, the doorbell rings. Riley jumps up, exclaiming that it's for her and bounding her way over. I pause, waiting to see who it is.
As soon as I hear a few familiar voices I head towards the door too. Ava's there, of course.
"No Cole?" Riley murmurs as I appear behind her.
Kat shakes her head sheepishly, "Still won't speak to us."
I should probably be listening but my eyes are caught by the girl behind them, smiling at something Alex is saying.
I can feel my eyes narrow before I can compose myself.
It's probably jealousy, fuck it's been jealousy this whole time.
My lips fall into a straight line as she giggles, still not noticing that I'm here.
"Why is Cole not speaking to you?" I ask suddenly. Riley stops talking and spins around to face me, frowning. I don't care, of course I don't care, but I selfishly want Ava to bring her attention over here.
And it works. Her pretty blue eyes snap up to mine the second she registers my voice, wide and recognising for a minute before she disguises it with a blink. I can see the sides of a smile threatening to appear, her face struggling to stay neutral. I wish I could stare at her forever.
"None of your business," Riley mutters, dismissing me.
"I thought you wanted me interested in your friends."
When she shoots me nothing short of a death stare I throw my hands up in surrender.
Ava's gaze on me is burning, hot. I'm sure no one else has noticed but it's all I fucking feel right now. She brushes a strand of blonde from her face before finally looking away. Is she blushing?
"Nolan?" Riley asks, repeating a question I hadn't even noticed she'd asked.
"Huh?"
"The funfair, you're going to meet us there, right?"
"Uh, sure, yeah," I fumble out, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Great," She says with a nod, spinning to try and get past me, "We're going to my place so I'm just gonna get my things and say bye to mom and dad."
I step aside, allowing her to pass, leaving just her friends in front of me.
Kat throws a polite smile before muttering something about waiting in the car, she drags Alex with her by the arm but Ava hovers.
I don't even hear what excuse she manages to make, something about checking on Riley.
Either way, they don't question it, which is what matters.
Ava steps forward, I step back. Her hand grazes my arm, my fingers brush the sides of her waist. Very quickly, too quickly, we've gone from the doorway to the hallway, her pinned back against the wall as my eyes rake across her face.
It's dangerous. Riley's right beside us in the kitchen.
"Hi," She whispers, face slightly shrouded in the shadowy light. She looks so beautiful, especially right now when her eyes are so full of obvious need. Every time she breathes our bubble of tension gets hotter, the rest of the world melts away.
"I've missed you," I murmur, fingertips just gently playing with the bottom of her top. We should be careful, but I want to be anything but careful right now. "I need to see you."
Her face twitches into a gentle little smile, "You're seeing me right now."
"You know what I mean," I step a little closer, caging her in against the wall, "I want to see you properly, away from... this."
I half expect her to pull away, or at least let her nerves show more than they are right now. When I mention the reality we're hiding from the guilt usually gets to her. But not today, not right now - it's like she's so sucked into our quiet heat that she can't bring herself to see the bad.
"Soon," She whispers eventually.
"How soon?"
She doesn't reply, trailing soft fingers down the length of my arm.
Her eyes flick downwards, across my shirt, like she's tracing a mental outline of my stomach, then back up to my face, flirty and shiny as she blinks.
It feels like every time we're apart things get stronger, we're drawn together so much it fucking hurts.
It's taking an insane amount of control not to do anything crazy right now. I want to touch her, whisper things in her ear, make her laugh. I want to experience whatever the hell it is she does to me.
It's only when Riley's faint talking stops that I realise how close we are. Our lips are almost touching, attached like magnets. I freeze. She's going to walk in this direction in about ten seconds.
Apparently my brain translates that as, I need to kiss Ava as quick as possible in those ten seconds, because my lips touch hers on pure instinct.
She tastes like the only thing fuckingright in my life, kisses back with strong strokes of her tongue, like she can't help it either.
Her head hits the wall, her teeth bite down into my lip.
It's hungry and irresponsible... probably why it feels so fucking good.
The sound of footsteps approaching barely even gets us away from each other as we pull apart to separate sides of the hallway suspiciously quickly. Ava smooths down her hair, I look at the stairs, wiping away the remains of her vanilla lipgloss.
"Hey," Ava starts, trying to regulate her breaths, "I just came inside to..."
Her voice trails off in surprise, something switches. There's another set of footsteps, ones from the kitchen, ones that turn out to be Riley half a second later. She squeezes past like everything's normal, hurrying upstairs to grab something.
The other footsteps belonged to someone else, someone who just saw us making out against the wall like animals.
Alex.
He stands there like a deer who's about to be hit by a car, eyes wide and drawing a new connection between us. He blinks once, then again, eventually just shaking his head.
"Fuck, Alex," Ava fumbles, cheeks burning bright red, "You weren't supposed to-"
"Yeah, I know," He interrupts, sighing heavily, "I just... you and him?"
"It's complicated..." She starts, and there's an anxiety in her voice I recognise immediately.
"It's none of your business," I offer instead.
Ava glares at me, then back at Alex who has definitely moved a few hesitant steps backwards, "What he means to say is sorry... sorry you had to see that..."
"I don't know what I saw... what this is..." He murmurs, eyes slowly gesturing to where my sister's upstairs movements can be heard, "What about Riley?"
"I know, I know..." Ava speaks, voice shaky, "It's messy, I didn't mean for it... I didn't think..." Every sentence ends as the truth sets in.
We didn't mean it but we're here. We didn't think we'd ever be together but we are.
And now another person outside of us knows.
I can tell she's going to self implode if she's not careful.
Maybe for once I'm thankful for my mental numbness, or the fact I don't give a shit about Alex knowing, I only care that she's okay.
I try to say something helpful, "Obviously, you weren't supposed to see that-"
Ava moves forwards, muttering another apology but Alex just furrows his brows, running a hand through his dark hair, "I just... I need to process this, okay. It's a lot."
She blinks, "Alex..." But he turns, retreating back out the front door before anyone else can give him a shitty explanation. Ava's so still I think she might collapse when I place my hands on her shoulders.
"Hey, hey, calm down."
"We're totally fucking fucked!" She says quietly, as if she's fighting her own thoughts.
"What? You think he's going to tell Riley?"
"I don't know..." She panics, not looking me in the eye, "I mean... no, I don't think he would... but he knows!"
I squeeze her shoulders softly, a reminder that I'm here, "It's okay, take deep breaths, please, you're gonna kill yourself if you keep breathing like that."
"Nolan," She mutters with a shaky swallow, letting me push a strand of hair behind her ear, "We shouldn't have let that happen..."
"I know, I know... but it did, we can't change it," When my hand trails down to the back of her neck I can still feel her pulse hammering too quickly, "Breathe, okay. Inhale..."
She looks reluctant, but gives into my words, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes softly. For a second, she looks almost peaceful, at the very least she's not freaking herself out so much. As long as she's okay, I can be okay.
The moment doesn't last very long as Riley gallops down the stairs, forcing us to pry apart again. This might be the one time in my life I'm happy for my sister's inability to leave a house without completing seven different side quests.
"I'm ready," She hums, linking her arm into Ava's without a care in the world. She spins both of them round to face me, throwing a grateful smile, "Thanks for today, really, I think mom and dad almost enjoyed it."
I give a nod, resisting the urge to catalog every inch of Ava's facial expression again. She's quiet, face blank in the way it gets when she's stressed, but I think she'll be okay. If she's not she knows I'll be right there to catch her.
"Let's go," Riley adds, as I give Ava one last look.
You'll be fine.
"I promised Kat I'd show her my new coffee machine..."
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