Chapter 20 #3
“You can’t fault yourself for having hope, Dad.
” I blinked back the blurriness in my eyes.
Maybe he’d shied from facing the reality of the situation.
Would he be open to getting help? “Dad, what if we worked through what happened together? I’m, uh, I’m seeing a therapist to work through it.
I’d developed some bad habits.” I’d leave it there.
With a slow nod, he said, “Yes, it might be time for me to seek therapy. My drinking might be a little excessive.” He choked on a laugh. “Hell, even my poker buddies mentioned it on Thanksgiving.”
Okay, but he didn’t say he’d get therapy with me. Though did it matter if he were getting help? I glanced at Tex. He’d been quiet through all of this. What was he thinking?
Tex leaned in close and whispered in my ear. “Do you want to talk to him about us?”
With a nod, I said, “Dad, I accept your apology. You, uh, did the best you could, I guess.” If I were to reduce my resentment of him, I had to forgive him. Even if I didn’t fully feel forgiveness in my heart, it was important to say it. It had to start somewhere.
“I don’t think I deserve that, but I’ll take it.” He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs, and threaded his fingers together.
“We have to talk about my relationship with Tex, and maybe your views on queer people.” I gripped Tex’s hand tighter as my chest constricted. This might be harder to discuss than Mom’s death.
“Yeah? What about it?” He straightened, studying us. “It’s a shock. Having a gay kid only happens to other people, not me.” He ground his teeth. “Did your mother know?”
Shaking my head, I said, “No, I didn’t fully realize it myself until after she died.” There’d been hints of it during high school, boys I’d dwelled on a little too much, but I hadn’t acted on it. “And I’m not gay, Dad.”
“I am, though.” Tex raised his hand. “And I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t happen to you.
It’s just one of those complex human traits, like being smart in school or good at football.
” With a soft grin, he brushed a lock of bang from my forehead.
“In Colton’s case, he’s attracted to men and women. In my case, I’m only attracted to men.”
Dad narrowed his eyes. “So, I’m just supposed to accept that my son likes…” He cringed. “Doing sexual things with men.” He averted his gaze. “I’ll tell you what, if it’s genetic, he didn’t get it from me.”
“Dad, it’s more than that.” Jesus fuck, what was his problem? Was he bisexual too and hiding it behind homophobia? “I love Tex. We have an emotional connection.”
“Yeah, okay.” He hung his head and blew a long exhale. “It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. I’ve…” Biting his lip, he peered at me.
“You’ve always made derogatory comments about gay people. Yeah, I know. I heard it and it made me afraid to tell you.” I shifted closer to Tex’s side, his warmth giving me strength. “That has to stop.”
He nodded. “I know. I spoke only in jest, but I understand how it could hurt.” He squirmed in his chair. “But how was I supposed to know you were queer if you never told me?”
I stared at him. I was fast realizing that Dad had a pattern of first blaming the other person for his wrongs before accepting ownership of them.
Straightening my spine, I said, “How was I supposed to tell you while my mother was dying, you were traveling and when you were home, you were making bigoted jokes?”
He flinched, twisting his water bottle in his lap. “I guess it was a catch twenty-two, huh?” As he shifted his attention to Tex, he said, “How did your father handle it? He knows about you, right?”
Slipping an arm around my shoulders, Tex said, “Yeah, he knows. My father took longer to accept it than my mom.” He flashed a quick grin.
“But my mom said she knew I was gay all along. My dad didn’t.
” He twisted his lips and glanced toward the patio window for a moment, as if thinking of what to say next.
“Look, my parents have always been supportive of me. They’ve been my rock.
Without their support, I couldn’t have achieved what I have, readying for the combine and the draft. ”
“Have people bullied you, being a gay football player?” Dad crossed his arms on his chest and leaned back in his chair.
“A little, yeah. But having the support of your parents builds confidence, and that confidence gave me the strength to pay no mind to the haters. They can’t really hurt you if you don’t let them and bullies learn that pretty quick.
” He turned his gaze on me. “Colton here is gaining his confidence through therapy right now. It sure would help if you gave him your support.” He smirked.
“Of course, if anyone ever bullied him, they’d have to deal with me, and I’m not exactly a small guy. ” He planted a kiss on my cheek.
Dad’s eyes widened. “Who is this therapist you’re seeing, Colton?”
“I found him through the school’s LGBTQ helpline.” Finally, with Tex’s help, we might get somewhere on this front. “It’s been amazing for me. He’s helping me work through the unresolved grief of Mom’s death, my resentment of you, and my acceptance of my sexuality.”
“So, you didn’t accept it at first.” Dad focused on me.
Dad was listening. For once, I felt heard by him. “Yes, after, well, going a little crazy, I hid that part of myself and tried to ignore it.” I inhaled deeply. “But it wasn’t healthy, and when I met Tex, I couldn’t ignore it.”
“When you meet the right person, things just click.” He dipped his head and shook it.
“Like when I met your mother. She was an amazing woman.” He wrung his hands and, with a cracking voice, said, “I miss her so much.” His gaze wound to mine.
“I don’t want to lose you, Colton. I want to support you, but I don’t know how. ”
“There’s this organization called PFLAG.
It’s a support group for parents of queer kids.
I’ve got information on the local chapter in Rochester.
Why don’t you start there?” I hadn’t thought I could use this information, but here I was.
My heart beat a little slower. It was possible for me to be my true self with Tex at my side.
“PFLAG, huh?” Dad chewed his lower lip. “Yeah, okay. Text me the information and I’ll check it out.” His lips curled into a soft grin as his gaze swung to Tex. “My boy is dating one of the best offensive linemen in the NCAA. Now that’s something I can brag about when I go.”
“Dad…” I pinched the bridge of my nose and coughed a laugh. Of course, it was all about sports with him. But if it helped, did it matter? I fixated on him. Would he take this further? “Dad, would you join some of my therapy sessions? My therapist thought it would help.”
“How? A Zoom call or something? I have to leave tomorrow. The conference was over today.” He straightened and drank some water.
“Yeah, we can do a Zoom call with you. I’m sure we can figure something out.” He was leaving tomorrow. My chest pricked. We’d come so far tonight. Spending time with him would have been pleasant. Had he eaten dinner? I’d been too nervous to think about dinner. “Hey, have you eaten?”
Tex glanced at me, his brow rising.
“No, I haven’t.” Dad shifted on the chair, extending his legs. “What were you thinking?”
“Maybe order some Chinese food and watch the Thursday night football game?” I raked my teeth across my lower lip. Chinese takeout had been a favorite of Dad’s when he’d been home.
“Watch a game with you and Tex? Hell yes. I’d love to hear Tex’s take on Atlanta. They’re playing tonight, right?” He gave Tex a warm grin. “I’ve, uh, got some money on this game.”
“They are. It’ll be close. Probably a nail-biter.” Tex stood from the couch and stretched. “I’d be honored to watch the game with you, Mr. Reed.” He extended his hand toward Dad.
Dad rose and stepped to Tex. “Please, call me Andy.” He shook Tex’s hand with both of his. “I might not understand all of this yet, but I can certainly relate to football and so far, you seem like you really care about my son.”
“I love him, Andy. I’d do anything for him. You should know that.” With a soft grin, Tex peeked at me.
Emotion swept through my heart. I wasn’t sure I’d ever see Tex and my father together like this. “I’ll order the food. There’s a place here I think you’ll like, Dad.” With a long sigh, I stood and stepped toward the kitchen. “I have beer…”
“Oh, yes, please.” Dad rubbed his hands together. “I have to say, you’ve got a nice place here, Colton. It’s homey.”
“Thanks, Dad.” It was homey now that I’d splurged on some plants and decorations. I grabbed three beers from the refrigerator. “Tex, can you put the game on, please?”
“Absolutely.” Tex took the remote from the coffee table and turned on the television.
As I handed Dad a canned beer, he threw his arm around my shoulders and hugged me. “I love you, son. I might not show it well, but I do.”
With my eyes stinging and heart full, I said, “Love you too, Dad.” There was a lot of work ahead, but we had a path forward and I finally had hope.