Chapter 20 #2
“I…would you? Maybe you can keep me from spiraling again.” A wave of exhaustion washed over me. This evening hadn’t ended the way we’d planned. “Is it too late to order food? Pizza maybe? Do you have to go home?” Hunger gnawed at my stomach.
“I’m not going home.” He pressed a soft kiss against my cheek. “Let’s order pizza, relax, and then I’ll stay the night and leave early for practice. I’ll ask Malik to grab my shit from home for me.”
“Thank you.” I lay down on his thighs. “What would I do without you?” I closed my eyes, relishing the feel of his muscular legs under my head.
“I hate to say it, but this situation might not have happened if—”
“Don’t you even say it. It’s done and Dad finally knows everything.
Now we pick up the pieces.” I lifted the edge of my lips.
For someone who’d just lived through a catastrophe, I was feeling fairly calm.
But then, I was finally free of all the bullshit that had festered inside me for so long.
Yeah, that must be it. “Can you DoorDash the pizza?” I didn’t want to be in charge of anything.
“Of course. You rest.” He plucked his phone from the coffee table and tapped the screen. “Supreme?”
“Yep.” I kissed his thigh and settled against him.
The next day I’d woken up next to Tex, gone to classes and met with my therapist. Yes, my dad and I had been through an ugly scene, but I felt much lighter, and Tex had seen me at my worst and hadn’t left me.
Because my dad left the door open to further discussions, my therapist felt encouraged.
My therapist thought that arranging for him to attend some of my therapy sessions could help us bridge the gap between us.
As I strolled from my car to my apartment, I slipped my phone from my pocket and texted Tex. He’d wanted an update as soon as possible. I stopped at my door.
Colton
My therapy session offered clarity. I know what to say to my dad. I’m going to text him to see when he’s free. When are you free?
The three dots blinked at me.
Tex
Anytime. I’ll make myself available. Just tell me when.
A flood of warm emotions swept through my heart. I should have known he’d be like that. I texted again.
Colton
Okay, I’ll let you know.
I unlocked my door and stepped inside. I would message Dad, since he’d probably be in a meeting right now, and see if he was still open to seeing me again while he was here. A part of me had doubts, but I had to stop doubting myself.
The following evening, Dad was available, which had given me a vital extra day to think through my approach with him and tutor a student before finals were in full swing.
Dad was returning to my apartment as he felt it would offer more privacy.
Maybe he was afraid I would somehow lose my mind again and try to beat him in front of his coworkers. Hell, I didn’t know.
A soft knock sounded at my door, followed by Tex’s muffled voice. “Hey, it’s Tex.”
I swung the door open, and Tex wrapped me in a fierce hug. “God damn, I missed you. Are you sure you’re doing okay?” Snatching my shoulders, he held me out, his gaze trailing over me.
“Yes, I’m okay so far.” I grabbed his wrist and hauled him into the main room. “I’m sure I’ll be nervous once he’s here, but I’ve been doing these breathing exercises whenever I feel anxious.” I’d been breathing a lot today.
“Okay, well, maybe you can show me how to do it, because I’m so nervous I feel like I might puke.” He freed a soft snort and rubbed his palms together.
“I’m so sorry I’m putting you through this.” Shit, maybe I should have handled this by myself. I chewed my lower lip.
“No, babe, I want to be here. Being a good boyfriend means standing with you.” He pressed a quick kiss on my mouth.
“You’re the best boyfriend, Tex. Even if you couldn’t join me.” I side-hugged him as rapping filtered from the door. My pulse shot through the roof. “Shit, that’s him.” I didn’t know what to expect, since we’d only texted and it was hard to read emotions in typed words.
“Do you want me to get it?” Tex stepped toward the door.
“No, I’ll get it.” Taking a deep breath, I shut my eyes for a moment and visualized a peaceful meadow with a gentle breeze swaying the grass. This was my calming place. As I opened my eyes, I edged the door open.
Dad stood on the landing, his brown eyes bloodshot with deep circles underneath, his dark hair plastered to his head as if he hadn’t showered.
The shadow of stubble peppered his jawline.
His jacket was open, exposing a company brand t-shirt, and on his lower half, he wore baggy jeans. “Hello, Colton.”
An ache tore through my chest. Had he gone to his conference looking like this? “Hi, Dad.” I opened the door further and stepped aside. “Come in.”
“Thank you.” He ambled into my main room, peeked at Tex, and then turned a chair around at my dinette and fell into it.
“Do you want something to drink? I have water, Gatorade, and orange juice.” I wouldn’t offer him a beer. We should be completely sober for this conversation. I wandered into my kitchen and pulled out a Gatorade for Tex and water for me from the refrigerator.
“Water, please.” His shoulders slumped, and he scrubbed his face.
After grabbing a second bottle of water, I handed the drinks out and sat next to Tex on my couch. “Why don’t you come closer, Dad? We won’t bite.” I freed a barely-there chuckle. Would he react to the joke?
“Yeah, sorry.” He slid his chair closer to us, now only a few feet away. “Listen, Colton, I’ve done a lot of thinking since I left here the other day.” He unscrewed the cap on his water and sipped it, his gaze fixing on the floor between us.
He couldn’t even look at me. Did this mean he was here to distance himself from me? My insides knotted with tension. “Yeah, I have too.” I was afraid to say any more. But my thoughts raced with countless words.
Tex grabbed my hand, resting on my thigh.
Dad glanced toward our hands, and his gaze fell to the floor again. “I’m not sure what shocked me more—you being gay or you telling me you tried to kill…” His voice cracked and he shook his head. “Took all those pills.”
“I’m not gay, Dad, and I didn’t try…” I inhaled deeply, my calming meadow coming into view inside my head. “Dad, I’m bisexual. I like women and men. I just fell in love with a man.”
“A football player headed to the NFL, no less.” Scoffing a snicker, Dad flashed his eyes at Tex. “You really know how to pick ‘em.”
Tex’s brows rose. “I sort of picked him first.” He gave me a warm grin and squeezed my hand.
I needed to correct the other part of his thinking.
“And as far as the pills go, I wasn’t trying to kill myself.
I just, uh, took too many. I was trying to cope with my grief, but in an unhealthy way.
” My chest pinched with the blur of those days.
“I did a lot of destructive things. I drank a lot and had sex with anyone I could find…unprotected.” I hung my head.
Tex probably hadn’t heard the extent of it, but there it was.
“While you were working as a barista in that coffee shop? Is that why you delayed college?” His gaze crept to mine, and he winced. “You were always so smart and such an exceptional student. All your teachers loved you in high school.”
“Yes, I know. Mom’s death messed me up too much. I would have failed all my classes and flunked out.” So far, this was going well. I hadn’t needed to use the scripts my therapist had given me, but he’d warned me the conversation might not be what we’d expected. We’d prepared for the worst.
He shifted and rubbed his eyes. “I should have been there. I’ll admit that.
” He huffed a quick sigh and peeked at me.
“But I was grieving too. Every time I came home from a trip, she looked worse. I felt helpless to save her. And here I was, working alongside medical professionals every day.” He pursed his lips.
“Learning about breakthroughs and medical trials that saved other mothers with breast cancer, the wives of my damn colleagues.” His lips curled for a beat.
“But nothing worked for your mother. Not a goddamn thing. She always ended up in the control group where the side effects were too severe, or did nothing at all.” With a growl, he said, “Fuck.” He clenched his hands into fists.
“Dad…” I had known none of this. If only we’d been able to talk then. Her death should have made us closer, but we’d grown further apart.
“No, let me finish.” He held his palm to me, and as his gaze met mine, it glistened. “You look so much like her. You share so many mannerisms. Did you know that?”
“I…you’ve told me that before.” But not for a very long time. An ache threaded through my heart. She lived inside me.
“So, when you accused me of those awful things the other day, it felt like she was speaking out through you from the grave to accuse me of—” His breath hitched. “Fuck. I need a moment.” He rose and paced into the hallway, rubbing his eyes.
Taking a deep breath, I focused on Tex. “I don’t know what to say.” I’d been so consumed with my own unhealthy resentment that I’d never considered what Dad had gone through.
“Then say nothing at all, just listen.” Tex kissed my cheek. “Maybe after listening, it’ll be easier to meet him halfway to reconnect.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” I swallowed a lump climbing my throat. I could do that—listen.
Dad strolled into the room again and returned to his seat.
“I’m sorry I left you to handle everything.
I’m really fucking sorry I wasn’t there the night she died.
I can’t tell you how much I regret that.
The conference I was at in Hawaii, it was for a new breast cancer treatment that included fewer drugs, and I thought…
” His jaw muscle bulged. “It didn’t matter.
I should have been home with you. By then, it was too late for her. I was the adult.”