12. Eli
Chapter 12
Eli
I laid on the couch wide awake for most of the night, my evening with Colt playing over and over again in my head. The last thing I ever expected was for him to kiss me or for us even to get that close to begin with. But the mutual blowjobs were completely out of left field. Then again, I didn’t exactly say no when the opportunity presented itself. I was more than happy to put his dick in my mouth before either of us changed our minds.
The more I thought about it, the more I wasn’t sure it was necessarily a good choice. After all, Colt and I had been loathing each other for the past decade. Since the moment I went off to college and he stayed in Sagebrush, we’d been enemies. It was hard to believe we’d found ourselves in the same bar a few nights ago. And even harder to believe that we wound up in the sack together.
Of course, I still felt guilty. Even more so now that I knew he hadn’t stayed behind in Sagebrush of his own accord. Something had happened, though he hadn’t told me exactly what yet. Whatever it was, the weight on his shoulders from it was immense. That combined with his rodeo status and the fake macho bull rider he had to pretend to be in public meant that he was slowly being crushed to death by everyone’s expectations. I suddenly understood why he was so careless with himself and his health. He was trying to hide everything he was, and that was an impossible weight to carry for long.
I rolled over, burying my face in the pillow. The guilt gnawed at me, not just for feeling like I tricked him into sex, but for how I'd treated him all these years. I'd assumed he'd chosen to stay in this small town, content with the simple life of a rodeo star. But now I realized there was so much more beneath the surface. Colt Dawson was nothing like the man I thought he was.
As the first rays of dawn crept through the curtains, I made a decision. I couldn't undo the past, but I could try to make things right going forward. I'd talk to Colt, really talk to him, and try to understand what he'd been through. Maybe then we could figure out if last night was just an accident or something… more.
When I finally dragged myself off the couch, I found Colt in the kitchen, shirtless as usual, pouring himself a cup of coffee. He flashed me that cocky grin of his, but I could see the uncertainty in his eyes.
“Mornin', sunshine,” Colt drawled, his voice a bit raspier than usual. It sounded like he didn’t sleep much either. “Coffee?”
I nodded, unable to find my voice just yet. As he poured me a cup, I couldn't help but notice the way his muscles rippled under his tanned skin. Last night's memories came flooding back, and I felt my cheeks flush.
“Listen, about last night...” I started, but Colt cut me off.
“Hey, no need to make it weird,” he said, pushing the mug towards me. “We're both adults here. Sometimes these things just happen.”
I frowned, studying his face. Despite his casual words, there was a tightness around his eyes that betrayed his discomfort. This was the Colt I knew–always putting on a brave face, never letting anyone see beneath the surface.
“Colt,” I said softly. “You said we’d talk.”
“We’re talkin’ now,” he replied nonchalantly.
“You know what I mean. We need to talk about what we?—”
“Good morning, boys.”
I whipped around to see my mother strolling into the kitchen, dark circles under her eyes. My father was right behind her, looking just as exhausted. After his PTSD episode the night before, I was surprised he was even conscious this early in the morning. Immediately I forgot all about Colt and his attempt at avoidance.
“Hey Dad,” I said. “You feeling any better?”
He nodded, slumping down into one of the chairs at the dining table. “Yeah. A little bit.” He glanced up at Colt and I. “Thanks to you two that is.”
Colt's easy grin faltered for a moment, a flicker of something - guilt? concern? - passing across his face before he masked it with his usual bravado. “It was nothin', sir. Just doing what any decent fella would do.”
I watched as Colt poured coffee for my parents, his movements casual but his shoulders tense. He was putting on a show, I realized. The charming rodeo star, ready with a smile and a kind word. But I'd seen behind that facade now, glimpsed the vulnerable man underneath.
“Well, we appreciate it all the same,” my mother said, accepting her mug with a tired smile. “It's been a rough night for all of us, I think.”
If only she knew how rough, I thought, avoiding Colt's gaze.
“Listen,” my father said, his voice gruff but sincere, “I know I wasn't in the best shape last night. But I want you boys to know how much it means to me that you were there. Especially you, Colt. You didn't have to stay and help, but you did.” He paused for a moment. “I’d… uh… appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about it.”
Colt's cheeks flushed slightly, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Like I said, sir, it was nothin'. Just glad I could help. And don’t worry, my lips are sealed. Your business ain’t for me to go spreadin’ around town.”
I watched Colt carefully, noting how he seemed uncomfortable with the praise. It was so different from his usual cocky demeanor. I wondered how often he'd been thanked for simply being kind, rather than for his rodeo skills or his charm.
“Well, we won't keep you boys,” my mother said, rising from her chair. “I'm sure you have plans for the day. Besides, we’ve got an early appointment down at the doctor’s office.”
Colt and I exchanged a quick glance as my parents left the kitchen. We were silent as they gathered up their things for the trip. The moment the front door closed behind them, the tension in the room seemed to double.
“So,” I said, breaking the awkward silence. “About that talk...”
Colt sighed, running a hand through his tousled red hair. “Look, I appreciate what you're tryin' to do here, but maybe we should just forget about last night. It was a mistake, plain and simple.”
His words stung more than I expected them to. “A mistake? Is that really all it was to you?”
“What else could it be?” Colt snapped, his green eyes flashing. “We've hated each other for years, remember? One night doesn't change that.”
I took a step closer to him, my heart pounding. “Doesn't it, though? Colt, I saw a different side of you last night. Not just during... what happened between us, but before that too. When you helped my dad, when you opened up about why you stayed in Sagebrush. I feel like I'm finally seeing the real you. I want to know more.”
Colt's jaw clenched, his gaze dropping to the floor. “Maybe you're seein' what you want to see. I'm still the same guy I've always been.”
“No, you're not,” I insisted. “And I don't think I am either. Look, I know we have a lot of history, most of it not great. But can't we at least talk about this?”
For a moment, I thought he might refuse again. But then his shoulders sagged, and he let out a long breath. “Fine. You want to talk? Let's talk. But not here. I need some air.”
Without waiting for my response, Colt strode out of the kitchen and out onto the back porch. I followed him, watching as he leaned against the railing, his muscular back tense under the morning sun. For a long moment, neither of us spoke.
Finally, Colt turned to face me. “You want to know the truth? Fine. Last night... it wasn't a mistake. Not to me. But it can't happen again.”
“Why not?” I asked, stepping closer.
Colt ran a hand over his face. “Because I can't be that guy, alright? The one who... who likes other men. It's not an option for me.”
“Colt,” I said softly, “we’re not teenagers anymore. Being gay or bi isn't-”
“You don't get it,” he interrupted, his voice tight. “In my world, in the rodeo circuit, it is that bad. It's career suicide. Everything I've worked for, everything I've sacrificed - it would all be for nothing.”
I felt a pang in my chest at the pain in his voice. “Is that why you stayed in Sagebrush? To keep up appearances?”
Colt's shoulders slumped. “No. It's more complicated than that. Remember how I told you something happened that kept me here? Well, it wasn't just one thing. It was a whole mess of things.”
“Then tell me,” I insisted. “I want to know.”
“Why?” he shot back. “What the hell do you care? I don’t need your pity so you can get another cheap piece of ass out of me.”
“That’s not what I’m doing, Colt. And you know it.”
“Like hell I do!” he cried, throwing his arms up. “You never came back to see why I stayed here! You never called or wrote or bothered to check up on me!”
“You wouldn’t let me you stupid fucking asshole!” I yelled back, my hands balled into fists. “When I came home for Christmas break, you wouldn’t see me! I went to your house and your parents sent me away. They said you didn’t want to talk to me. I even tried a letter, and I never heard back. They only time I ever saw anything about you was in those stupid rodeo magazines!”
His face had gone pale while I yelled. By the time I was finished, he looked like he’d seen a ghost.
“So,” I huffed, forcing my arms down against my sides. “Are you going to help me understand all this or do you want to just go back to hating each other?”
He turned around to face the yard, his hands gripping the railing tightly. His back expanded as he took a few deep breaths, muscles tight with tension. “I… I didn’t know you did that.”
“Why didn’t you know?” I asked, trying not to growl. “Why didn’t you want to see me?”
“My last year of high school, right before you left for college, I… I got caught.”
“Caught?”
“My daddy caught me kissin’ another boy. Jesse Malcolm.”
“Jesse’s gay?”
Colt shook his head. “He’s got a wife and kids now, so I don’t know. But back then he was the only one willin’ to give it a shot with me.” He shook his head. “It didn’t mean anything… it was just… experimentin’.”
There was a long pause as he gathered his thoughts.
“But when my daddy caught us… well, all hell broke loose.” There was no small amount of pain in his voice as he spoke. “He kicked Jesse out, beat the shit out of me, and then told me to pack. And when I looked to mama for help… well, she just walked away.”
My heart broke hearing his voice start to shake. “Colt…”
“I spent the last month of that summer livin’ out of my car. That’s why I stayed at your place so much. It was the only time I ever got a decent meal. And I spent all those nights dreamin’ with you about college, about getting out of this piece of shit town. But when I called the school to make sure everything was ready to go, I found out my daddy had already called them.”
I felt my breath catch.
“He… He told them I’d chosen another school and cancelled my reservation. And because of that, they revoked my football scholarship.”
My hand was already on his shoulder, turning him to face me. “Colt… why the fuck didn’t you say anything?!”
Tears formed in his eyes, his gaze dropping to the porch floor. “I… I didn’t want to ruin school for you or ruin your future. But as the time came for you to leave, I got madder and madder… until I just couldn’t hold it back anymore.”
He didn’t have to finish the story. I knew the rest of it by heart. We’d fought, things came to blows, and in the end, we went our separate ways, hating one another.
Before I could help myself, I’d wrapped my arms around him, pulling him tight to my chest. His shoulders shook as he quietly sobbed, all the false bravado melting away. In that moment he was just Colt, the boy I’d grown up with and the one that had been through more hell than I could’ve ever imagined.
“So, you weren’t even here when I came to see you,” I said softly, stroking his ginger hair. “You were already gone.”
He nodded, sniffling against my chest. “I joined the rodeo a month after you left doing grunt work. When I showed some promise as a rider, they let me train.” He pulled back, looking up at me with bloodshot eyes. “Gettin’ on that bull and hearing those gates fly open… it was the only time I felt somethin’ other than sad and angry. So, I just… kept ridin’.”
I held Colt close, feeling the warmth of his body against mine, the dampness of his tears on my shirt. My mind was reeling from everything he'd just revealed. All these years, I'd thought he'd chosen to stay behind, that he'd rejected me and our plans. But the truth was so much more painful.
“God, Colt,” I whispered, my voice thick with emotion. “I had no idea. I'm so sorry.”
He pulled back slightly, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. “It ain't your fault. I should've told you back then, but I was too damn proud. Too scared.”
I cupped his face in my hands, forcing him to meet my gaze. “Listen to me. What happened to you wasn't fair. It wasn't right. And you didn't deserve any of it.”
Colt's green eyes searched mine, vulnerability and uncertainty warring with the walls he'd built up over the years. “I... I don't know what to do with that,” he admitted softly. “For so long, I've been tellin’ myself it was my fault. That if I'd just been different, been normal...”
“You are normal,” I insisted, my thumbs gently stroking his cheeks. “There's nothing wrong with you, Colt. Not a damn thing.”
He let out a shaky breath, leaning into my touch. “I want to believe that. But it's hard to shake off years of thinkin’ otherwise.”
“Then let me help you,” I said, my voice low and earnest. “We've lost so much time already. I don't want to lose any more.”
For a moment, Colt was silent, his eyes closed as he seemed to be waging an internal battle. I hoped against all odds that he’d just say yes, and we could figure it out together. But as I watched his green eyes shift back to the boards of the porch, I knew that wasn’t the case.
“Thanks Eli,” he said, taking a step back. “But I can’t.”
“Why not?!” I cried. “You deserve to be happy!”
“Because…” he murmured. Then he took a deep breath and straightened himself up, puffing his chest out a bit. “Because Colt Dawson the rodeo star is my life now. It’s all I have, and I worked real hard to get it. And he can’t… I can’t live that kind of life if I’m with someone like… you.”