Chapter 1
Chapter One
I didn’t regret it. No, I’d do anything for my little brothers. I’d do it a hundred times over if I had to.
But, fuck, I couldn’t get it out of my head.
Or my nose. Christ, the smell of blood and viscera as it splattered all over me.
And the floors. And the walls. The power I felt at that moment, knowing I’d done something like that.
I’d single-handedly made sure neither of them would fuck with my little brothers ever again.
Did that make me fucked up? The fact I’d do it a million times on repeat, over and over and fucking over again, if it had the same outcome, yet the image haunted my nightmares. I didn’t want it to.
God, the things I’d do to not give a fuck. Or to make my brain not give a fuck. I killed them, and I don’t feel a single ounce of empathy for them. So why in the ever-loving fuck was it still fucking me up?
I groaned as I rolled out of bed, trying to shake away the never-ending nightmare I knew as my brain.
My body felt tight in all the wrong places, only reminding me of how dried blood had stuck to my skin.
Shivering through the chill of my apartment, I pulled on a turtleneck and some sweatpants.
It wasn’t a great combo fashion-wise, but it was all I had clean, and if it weren’t for the fact that I loved my brother, I wouldn’t even be up right now.
Muffin Haven was only a four-minute walk from me.
The main issue with that was that lately, I didn’t even want to get out of bed, so I definitely didn’t want to walk all the way to the bakery café.
Instead, I’d invested in a bicycle, which turned out to be even more work since I had to keep it in my apartment and carry it down my stairs when I used it.
It was all around a huge pain in the ass, but I refused to admit that to anyone—even myself.
The bike ride forced me to stretch my legs, feel the wind on my face, and gave me a chance to “align my chakra,” as my parents would say. Whatever that meant. They used the phrase so often, I’d started to wonder if they even knew.
It didn’t look to be all that busy from the outside.
There were big windows covering the front of the bakery, and only two people were waiting in line, with maybe three seated at tables.
I parked my bike against the wall out front before heading in, pausing to take in the smell of fresh coffee and delicious-smelling pastries.
Kendra greeted me at the register, smiling widely, like she always did. “Hey, Moon. Crescent won’t be on lunch for another few minutes, but I’ll have Stacy let him know you’re here.”
“No problem. I’m a bit early today.” I was actually coming earlier and earlier lately.
I couldn’t stand the idea of not being around my brother or his boyfriend.
If I wasn’t at home, I was at the bakery.
If I wasn’t at the bakery, I was at their house with Elio until Crescent got home.
Leaving them alone for too long made me feel weird.
Antsy. Like something bad would happen if I wasn’t there.
Being unemployed didn’t help financially, but it helped with my uncontrollable need to see them all the time.
“What kind of coffee would you like today?” Kendra had her hand hovering over the computer, waiting for my order.
I never got the same thing twice in a row. It was a small joy to always try something new. The old bakery Crescent worked at hadn’t offered drinks, so it was a nice addition. “I think I’ll do the chai tea latte, actually. Do you guys have any lemon scones left?”
“We do. They just pulled a fresh batch from the ovens, so they should be cooled down by now.”
The door opened and shut to my right, and Kendra smiled at someone behind me. “Awesome. Just the chai and the lemon scone, then, please.”
Kendra disappeared into the back for a second while another person got started on my drink. By the time she came back with my scone, the chai was sitting in front of me. I took them both and wandered to an available table with a booth to wait for Crescent.
My phone had become my best friend since Jude’s attack on Elio. Social media kept me company most of the time, giving me a reason not to interact with anyone else. It kept my brain quiet when I was alone, and kept me alone when I was too afraid not to be.
I scrolled through videos, none of them really capturing my attention, while I absentmindedly sipped on the chai, zoned out from the world around me.
When I pretended nothing but my phone existed, I could pretend I wasn’t in a constant state of unease.
It was like nothing else really mattered, and I didn’t have to think about my body or how it felt. Or how numb I’d tried to make it feel.
Tingles spread through my body as I continued to wait, allowing my brain to shut off from the world around me. They found their way down my spine, cresting at the crux of my upper thighs. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to will the tingles to stop. It tickled. I fucking hated being tickled.
“Moon?”
The voice scared me at first, taking me by complete surprise when I’d been oblivious to everything around me for so long. I jolted a little, looking up at who was speaking to me. Raven hair with a deep blue sea for eyes. “Holy fuck, you scared me. Officer Blake?”
He wore his uniform, holding a cup of hot coffee. He shifted on his feet before clearing his throat. “Yeah. Didn’t really expect to see you here.”
“Well, I do live here. ”
“I know that.” I watched as his eyebrows pulled together, and he shook his head a bit. “I mean, I remember that you lived in this town. That sounded kinda weird.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little at him. Nothing more than a simple huff through my nose at his stumbling words. “It did sound weird, actually. I know what you meant, though.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Thank god. How have you been doing?”
I frowned. I hated that question. Mom and Dad always asked me that as if the answer had changed from the day before.
Cres and Elio still asked on the daily since I bothered them on the daily.
They always offered to help me out, go do stuff with me, and have even recommended therapists to me.
I always declined and insisted that I was fine.
Even Star asked every time we were on the phone together, always calling out my bullshit answer of being fine.
What the fuck else was I supposed to say?
The truth? Fuck that. I was Moon Miller—the happy, sort of weird dude everyone expected to be bright and bubbly and laid back.
It was in my name alone. I was meant to be the light, no matter how dark it was.
Nobody needed to worry about me, or feel pity for me, or any of that shit.
I was strong. I had to be strong. The real victims here were my baby brother by blood and his boyfriend, who grew up with us and became a part of our family.
My brother by choice, and one day, by marriage.
I put on a smile, hoping Officer Blake wouldn’t be able to see through it. “I’m doing fine, thanks. What are you doing in Heaton Springs?”
He kept looking at me for a second, as if he was scrutinizing my words and face, making sure they matched.
“I got transferred to the precinct here. Instead of sending rookies over, they sent me and a couple of others who’ve been on the job for a while.
” He shook his head as he sipped his coffee, making a face when it touched his lips. “Fuck, that’s hot.”
“You’re the reason they have warnings on the cups, you know.”
“I didn’t think it would be that hot.”
He was pretty hot. If he hadn’t seen me covered in another man’s blood on the worst day of my life.
He looked different now that I had my head on straight.
Or, I guess, straighter than it had been the day he’d taken me in for questioning.
His blue eyes had haunted parts of my nightmares for a while now, though they were the reprieve from the evil inside of them.
They always showed up at the very end of my nightmare, right before I’d wake up.
Officer Blake set his cup down on the table I was at, looking me up and down once more. “You’re still covering your neck.”
A statement, not a question. An observation, not an assumption.
I wanted to react poorly, but how could I when he was just stating the obvious?
Jude’s claw marks still marred my skin, having dug straight through the flesh there as he’d hung onto me within the last inch of his life.
I couldn’t handle looking at them. I couldn’t handle someone else seeing them. “Yeah, I do. What about it?”
He dug around in one of his front pants pockets for a second, pulling out a white card. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it in a public place like this, but here’s my contact information. I’m here if you need to talk. Seriously.”
“Why?” It was the only thing I could think of saying. Sure, he was being really nice right now, but why? Why give so much of a shit about a murderer, in defense or not?
“Because I can see how much this has weighed on you, whether you admit it or not. I wasn’t there when it happened, but I was there for the aftermath. I’m always here to listen. So, just think about it, okay?”
I took the card from his outstretched hand, looking over it like it was some sort of golden treasure I’d never seen before.
Officer Emerson Blake
The material was textured, with bold, light-blue writing against a white background.
It felt nice in my hand, but abnormally heavy for what it was.
I tucked it into my pocket and nodded toward him, fighting a sudden lump at the back of my throat.
“Sure. Thanks. Um, my brother works here, and he’s going to be coming to join me anytime now, so…
” I trailed off, hoping he’d get the hint.
He picked up his coffee, holding it to his chest. “Yeah, of course. I’m serious, though, Moon. Anything at all, or if you just need to talk, let me know.”
I watched him walk away and out the front door. He was a little blurry, which had nothing to do with the state of my eyes. Nope. Not at all. I refused to believe I was tearing up in the slightest.
Crescent came around the front just as the door closed, sliding into the booth in front of me. “What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing. Why?”
“You got a dumb look on your face, that’s why.”
“That’s just my face, asshole.”
“Most certainly is.” He opened up his lunchbox, pulling out his signature sandwich.
I had half a mind not to reach across the table and tug on his ponytail. “Is that any way to talk to your big brother?”
He’d barely started chewing when he smiled at me. “If you’re that big brother? Yeah. If it were anyone else? Nah.”
“I’m telling Elio you’re being mean to me.”
“He wouldn’t do anything about it. You’re as much of a brother to him as you are to me, loser.”
He’d been on a “loser” kick lately, using it as his default insult. “I see how it is. Thank god I have at least one nice little brother. Your boyfriend would never be this mean to me.”
One of Crescent’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “You sure about that?”
“He never was when we all lived together as kids. You, on the other hand, are a grade A asshole.”
“I learned from the best. You love me.”
Yeah, I did. A lot. I loved my brothers so much, I’d murdered for them, and I’d do it again. And again. And again. It didn’t matter how fucked up it made me, or that I was so pathetic seeming that a cop offered to talk it out with me.
As long as I seemed strong to them, everything would be okay.