Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Oh, fuck. I’d really done it this time, hadn’t I?
At some point, Emerson and I had fallen asleep, his arms wrapped tightly around me.
The moment I opened my eyes, I realized that even in daylight, Emerson still hadn’t let me go.
Shame and embarrassment seemed to always go hand in hand, coming together to sit heavily on my chest. I almost couldn’t breathe, the weight was so much.
That, and the fact that Emerson had a death grip on me around my chest.
I was grateful his eyes were still closed.
At least he couldn’t see me while I was internally losing my shit over how deep into my soul he saw last night.
It was so much, so shameful, that my skin started to tingle and burn beneath my sweatpants with the need to feel something else. To release it somehow.
His arms felt warm around me, the heat of him bright enough to light up every dark path in front of me.
I’d never had a friend who was willing to do something like this—who’d cuddle with me when I was upset.
It was weird. Odd. He’d bared a piece of his soul with me last night, too.
I could appreciate that, knowing I wasn’t the only one digging up old and ongoing pain.
I tried to pry his arms off me without waking him up, gently pulling at his wrists to see if he’d instinctively pull them back. Instead, he tightened his grip and took in a deep breath, his chest rising against my back. When I looked over my shoulder, I could see his eyes start to flutter open.
“Morning,” he whispered, his voice rough with sleep.
I squirmed in his hold, trying to get away from it now that he was awake.
It didn’t feel right anymore. While trying to maneuver my way out, I realized my grave mistake.
With how he was holding me against him, I could feel the tent from his morning wood right up close and personal with my ass through my sweats.
Clearing my throat, I tried to keep my squeaking to a minimum. “Morning.”
“Shit, I didn’t realize I fell asleep.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
He sighed into the back of my neck, his breath sending chills down my spine. For a moment, I was worried about just how exposed my neck was, leaving my scars out in the open. “Do you have coffee?”
Nodding slowly, I looked back down at his arms. He’d tightened them, my body damn near stuck to him now. I could feel every breath, every twitch, every single slight movement he or his muscles made. “In the kitchen, yeah. It’s shitty, though.”
“I’m a cop, Moon. It couldn’t possibly be worse than the coffee at the station.”
“I don’t know about that. They’re the little five-buck off-brand cups you shove into the coffee maker that makes a single serving. They’re pretty bad, but I should have some milk or something.”
“Have you gone shopping in the last two weeks?”
“A little.”
“If you didn’t pick up milk then, you don’t have any. I saw your fridge when I was cooking Star breakfast.”
Okay, maybe I didn’t have milk. But Emerson needed to let go of me before we had a problem.
A big problem. One that involved either me freaking the fuck out because he was so close to me, or my dick getting the totally wrong impression of the situation at hand.
It was always a gamble with sex—a will I, won’t I sort of situation.
Or, rather, will my heart start to hammer, my fingertips go numb, all while a sense of impending doom hovers over my head, or will I be perfectly fine, ready to go from even the slightest touch so long as I called the shots?
I fucking hated it. I hated always being so confused. I hated never understanding what would come next from my own body and fucked-up head.
“Well, go get some coffee. I need to piss.”
Emerson removed his arms quickly, as if he’d just realized what was happening. “Oh, shit. Yeah. I probably don’t smell good, huh? I didn’t get a chance to shower. Sorry.” He was laughing his way through it, though it sounded strained and unnatural. Almost nervous.
I rolled to the other side of the bed, keeping my back to him so he wouldn’t see the blush that’d started to creep up on my face. “No, no, you’re fine. But you can use the shower if you’d like. I still have the sweatpants and shirt you borrowed last time you can wear.”
“Cool. Sounds good to me. Thanks.”
I let him leave first, not totally sure I could handle facing him as it stood.
Once I knew he was in the kitchen, I found my way to the bathroom, using the short time to calm myself down.
My coffee maker was old and loud. I could hear it all the way from the bathroom, gurgling as it tried to use the last of its life to pour a single cup of coffee.
I really needed to replace it once I had a job.
Speaking of jobs… I made my way into the kitchen, where Emerson stood with a coffee mug in his hand, sipping it gently in his white undershirt and work pants. I was always surprised when I saw him without his uniform on. He somehow hid all of his muscles away under his clothes.
He grimaced, looking my way. “This coffee is awful.”
Pulling a chair from the table, I laughed. “I told you! You just didn’t believe me. It’s awful, Em.”
“No, there was no way to prepare me properly for how horrific this is. Maybe we need to stop by Muffin Haven later.”
I had my phone turned on, looking at the various job listings, most of which I’d already applied to and been denied for.
Some of them, I needed a car. But to get a car, I needed money.
To get money, I needed a job, and I couldn’t get a job; therefore, I couldn’t get a car.
My old job was so close, I never had the need to buy one and now, I had to use a lot of money to survive on six months unemployed and counting, so I didn’t have the savings for it. What a wonderful time.
“Does that sound good to you?”
“Huh? Oh, sorry, I got lost in my own world for a second there. Um, yeah, we could. Were you planning on staying or something?” There was no way he wanted to hang around after last night. No way in hell would he want to be seen with me in public after what he’d witnessed.
Emerson poured the cup of coffee down the sink drain, rinsing the cup out afterward.
“Mhm. We can hang out, fool around. I know you go see Crescent on his lunch break, so we could pick something up from there around then. I may be groggier than usual until we get that coffee, but I’m willing to wait if it means I don’t have to taste that awful shit you’ve got in your cupboard. And no, you didn’t have milk.”
From the second he said “fool around,” I’d turned all my attention to him. “Um, Em, hate to break it to you, but you don’t seem to know what ‘fool around’ means in context.”
His brows pulled down as he thought for a moment. “What? I meant just do whatever. Watch TV or go for a walk or something.”
“I know what you meant.”
“Well, what’d I say unintentionally?”
“It’s usually meant when you’re saying, like…
” I tried to think of the best way to explain it to him.
It was kind of hard, especially when I’d woken up with his dick against my ass.
“When you’re making out with someone and getting all hot and steamy, you’d say you were fooling around.
Or if someone has, you know, sex, they might say it then too. ”
To his credit, he looked positively shocked. “When the fuck did that meaning change? When I was in school, the teachers would say it when we were wasting time or talking with someone when we should’ve been working. Granted, that was a very long time ago.”
I looked at the gray starting to take over his hair and beard. “How old are you again?”
“Forty-three. Why? Am I too old to hang out and be your friend now?”
“No, I was just curious.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re looking at my beard, aren’t you?”
I immediately stared directly into his eyes and didn’t deviate, trying to keep my composure. “No.”
“You’re lying.”
“Nope. Don’t know what you mean.”
“I’m a cop.”
“I know that.”
He started walking toward the table, tilting his head.
“Well, you better be nice because this is what you have to look forward to eventually. After a lot of unfortunate life-altering moments and a divorce, I stopped trying to dye everything black. I’m just glad I’m not balding.
Wouldn’t be surprised if I started, though. ”
So far, from what I knew, my family had been blessed not to have the balding part. “I like the gray. It suits you.”
“Thanks for placating me. You’ve still got time to get your own. You’re only, what, thirty?”
“Right on the money. But like you said, I haven’t been divorced.” I turned my phone screen off, finally setting it to the side. “Speaking of, I was curious. How long were you married? If you’re okay answering.”
His smile made every bad, wrong thing in the world feel good and right.
He truly glowed like a ball of natural light.
“We were high school sweethearts.” He sat in front of me, pulling a chair out from the table.
“Got married right as we turned eighteen. We’d been together for three years at that point.
Olivia and I made it through until we were thirty-six and realized we didn’t have a marriage anymore, we had a friendship with legal documents involved.
There wasn’t any romantic love there anymore, even though we’ll always have each other in our hearts. ”
“Holy shit. That’s a long time. I can’t imagine how difficult that must’ve been.”
“It was a long time. We’ve told each other over and over that we should’ve gotten divorced way sooner. We actually grew closer after we got divorced. Isn’t that funny?”
I couldn’t imagine being with someone for that long and only getting closer after breaking up. “Do you guys still talk?”
“Oh, yes. Very often. She still lives in Lindenbergh, so she obviously doesn’t come to the house like she used to, but we talk on the phone all the time, and she’d be at my house with her girlfriend really often.
We’re best friends, and nothing will ever change that.
Our love just wasn’t meant to stay romantic forever. Platonic soulmates, she says.”
“She sounds nice.”
“Olivia is the most annoying person I’ve ever met in the entire world. But I love her dearly, and I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s been there for me through so much.”
I wondered what the difference was between lasting love and love that’s not meant to.
If two people who were so in love for so long could fall out of it so easily, how did everyone else do it?
Like my parents, who’d been together for coming up on thirty-five years.
The commitment one would have to have with another.
It was inspiring, as much as it almost felt hopeless.
I didn’t think I’d ever find a love like that. Not in this lifetime, anyway. I didn’t really deserve it. “I’d love to meet her someday. If we’re going to be friends and all that.”
“You wouldn’t really have a choice. Like I said, most annoying human I know. But she has the biggest heart I’ve ever seen, too. I think you two would get along after you got to know each other.”
The thought of making another friend, which would equal a whole two of them I’d have, made me smile. It was wishful, but it was pure.
Emerson stood from the table to go shower, leaving me alone in the kitchen for the time being. Apparently, we were hanging out today, and neither of us was going to talk about last night. I didn’t mind, though. As long as it meant I hadn’t scared what might be my only friend for the time being off.