Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
People had told me all my life that I was a clingy, touchy person. Harrison and I were both like that, probably getting the habit from our parents. My personal belief was that cuddling and human physical connection was the best way to heal our hearts and souls.
So far, Moon seemed to only be a little bit hesitant at first, but otherwise enjoyed our cuddle session on the couch.
He was lying in front of me, my hand rubbing up and down his arm absentmindedly while we watched some show on the TV.
I was oddly grateful he wasn’t wearing another turtleneck, exposing all the gorgeous artwork on his arms. I got to run my fingers over them without it being weird, which was honestly weird of me to be happy about.
I’d always been the cuddly friend. The touchy friend.
It’d never been odd to me, like it seemed to be for all my friends growing up.
Olivia loved physical touch. It was her love language, just as it was mine. We’d been a perfect match in that fact all the way through our marriage, even when everything else seemed to fail.
At some point, my eyes had started to droop, and the TV in front of us was going blurry. I was losing my fight with wakefulness, tempted to let it slip through my fingers so I could sleep with my arms wrapped around Moon. It felt…right, in a way.
Moon stirred in my hold, checking the time on his phone. “Mm, it’s time to go see Crescent.”
I peeled my eyes back open, blinking a few times to make all the blurry spots go away. “Oh, good. I was about to fall asleep. I need some caffeine.”
“Yeah, I kind of noticed. I was just going to let you sleep, but then I realized what time it was.” He rolled off the couch, standing in one swift movement.
As for me, it took a bit more effort and an audible groan to go with it.
Whenever I started to neglect what are usually my daily runs, my body starts to get stiff, and it takes more willpower to move my body in the ways it’s supposed to already be doing normally.
I didn’t have any other clothes, and I didn’t feel like running back to my house, so it looked like I was going to Muffin Haven in borrowed sweats and an old shirt.
Better than nothing, I guessed. But I still felt a bit silly, seeing as I was so used to being in uniform when people saw me in public here.
Moon grabbed his wallet and stepped into some shoes, stopping in front of his bike. “Oh, fuck. This won’t fit both of us.”
“No, no, it definitely wouldn’t. We could always walk. It isn’t very far.” And maybe it’d give my muscles a bit of a stretch so I could function better.
“Ew, I hate walking. That’s why I bought this thing in the first place, though I never expected to need to transport more than me on it.”
“It’s too close by for us to take my car, Moon.”
He turned around, grimacing at me. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Officer.”
“That has a nice ring to it when you say it. Maybe just because it’s the only time you show me an ounce of respect.”
“Even when I say it, I’m not saying it with respect, Em. Get your facts straight.”
“Okay, brat. Em or Emerson is just fine, then.”
He put a hand over his heart, gasping. “Did you just call me a brat?”
I smiled, nodding as I walked closer to him. “Sure did. Am I wrong, brat?”
The tops of his cheeks started to turn pink, a blush spreading down his neck and chest. “You aren’t wrong, but don’t call me that. I need to put on a different shirt.”
He meant a turtleneck, of course. For a second there, I thought he’d go without one, and I almost let myself get excited over it. Baby steps, though. Baby steps. When he came back, he was wearing a simple and neat black turtleneck, along with some jeans. “I seem to be underdressed here.”
“They’ve seen worse come through the bakery. You’re fine.”
I looked down at myself, more notably at the sweatpants. I hadn’t brought any underwear with me, not expecting to stay the night, so I was going full commando. It would be a miracle if I went through the visit without a bit of embarrassment, but I stood by my decision not to stop by the house.
Letting Moon lead the way, we started the trek to Muffin Haven.
He grumbled quite a bit, despite the short distance, but we eventually made it.
It looked really busy inside, the line at least five deep, and most of the tables completely full.
Thankfully, getting our orders and finding a booth to sit in didn’t take too terribly long.
We were sat side-by-side, so Crescent could sit in front of us, but it did seem like he was taking a lot longer than he usually would.
Moon seemed content to wait, so I tried to be just as patient.
I wondered what Crescent would say when he saw me sitting here with Moon after our conversation yesterday.
The chatter of the bakery was almost too much for my ears.
The ringing seemed to distort everything around me.
I couldn’t concentrate very well, trying to distinguish human voices, the buzz of the overhead lights, and the ringing that never stopped.
I pressed my fingers into my temples, trying to concentrate on everything except the noise in my head, but it wasn’t doing much.
“You okay?” Moon asked from beside me.
I didn’t look over at him, still focused on trying to lessen the amount of noise happening. “Yeah, just a bad day for my ears, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
Admitting defeat for the moment, I turned my attention to him. “I have tinnitus. It’s a weird, constant ringing in the ears. Some days, it’s harder to deal with than others. Sometimes, sound can make it even weirder. It’s pretty loud in here.”
“When you say constant, do you mean, like, even when you’re sleeping?”
“Mhm. Of course, I don’t hear it when I’m sleeping, but I usually have a hard time with it.
I use a loud fan and some background rain sounds at night to try and cover up the noise.
When it works, it works, and I can fall asleep within an hour or so.
When it doesn’t, I just lie awake at night for hours on end.
That’s why I was so surprised I fell asleep without knowing last night. I’m usually up for a while.”
“No shit?”
“No shit.”
Moon shook his head. “When did it start? The, what’d you call it, tinnitus?”
“Yeah, it started after Harrison died. It was either stress-induced or medication-induced. I’d been on some antidepressants, and the doctors still aren’t sure which one it could’ve been. But I do know grief can do some shit.”
Moon rapped his fingers against the table, tilting his head in thought. “What do you think started it?”
A question, funnily enough, that no one had ever thought to ask me.
Whether they couldn’t understand something so invisible, or they didn’t have enough of their heart to share to care, nobody had ever stopped and asked me.
Moon was breaking past the surface level, and that was something I’d never come to expect from anyone.
If I didn’t expect it, I wouldn’t be hurt by the lack of it because there would be no lack.
Clearing my throat, I played around with the cup in my hand. “I think the grief did it. It took me so long to actually start grieving all the loss in my life, I think I broke something when I finally let it through. Like a tsunami, I guess.”
He didn’t respond right away, letting my words pass by and sink into place.
That, or he didn’t know what to say at all.
“Death is really fucking weird. It’s something I haven’t really wrapped my head around yet.
I don’t understand it, but I understand the gravity of pushing someone to it. Isn’t that fucked up?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Most people don’t know what death truly looks like, Em.
I do. I know what it feels and sounds like when someone takes their last breath.
When the soul in their eyes visually leaves their body.
I know how it feels to squeeze someone’s life out of them.
” He ran a hand over his short hair, stopping at the back of his head.
I watched as he dug his fingertips into the skin there, gripping something neither of us could see.
“Jude’s throat, like, convulsed in my hands.
I remember now. I could feel his body fighting against it, gasping and gulping before suddenly…
nothing. Just a long, gurgled exhale. His final one. ”
I had to think really hard about whether I wanted to ask my next question or not.
I thought about how long and how well we’d known each other.
I thought about if it would cross a line I wasn’t aware of yet.
In the end, I’d told him I would be there for him no matter what.
I told him I wanted to help him—what better way to help him than to try and understand him, like he’s tried to understand me? “Do you regret it?”
“No.” He was quick with it, the answer already on his tongue before I’d gotten my question out.
“I don’t regret a single part of it. I protected my brothers, and for that reason, I won’t regret it.
No matter how badly it fucks me up. I’ll accept my spot in hell before I say I shouldn’t have done it. ”
He’d said something like that once before—that he would be going to hell right along with them, facing torture just as they would. It was the day a detective and I held a video meeting with Moon, Crescent, and Elio on the findings of our investigation.
We never did find as many answers as we would’ve liked.
There were so many loose ends and more questions we’d never understand since both Jude and Sarah were dead.
Sometimes, we had to deal with the idea that we’d never truly understand why something happened the way it did. That was life. That was death.
“I’m glad you don’t regret it. There’s nothing to regret. Usually, that’s half the battle. But the memories playing in your mind like that? Tearing you apart? That can go away, too, Moon. Have you looked into therapy?”