Chapter 21
ONYX
I kicked Adam's door open with my foot. He was still laid out on the floor, staring at the ceiling, silent as a stone.
My chest squeezed. It seemed like he was getting bad again.
I'd suggested he start his meds again, but he refused.
Said they made him sick. When I suggested the hospital, he'd thrown a book at my head and hadn't said a word since.
At least he hadn't put the chain on the door while I got the groceries.
"They had those cookies you like," I said. "Do you want some?"
Silence. My stomach tightened, but I kept my voice chipper as I unloaded the bags and talked about groceries and kitchen cabinets, as if I wasn't terrified that he would try and hurt himself the minute I was gone.
I took my time, sorting each item like it was precious gold just so I could linger a little longer.
"Did you know he's back in town?" Adam asked.
My back stiffened. "Who?" I asked, as if I didn't already know.
"Your dad."
A shiver ran over my body. My dad. Every time he said those words, it felt like I was connected to him. That I was the same evil as he was. I knew that was far from true, but I was his blood after all. And I could never help but to feel like I was somehow responsible.
"Yeah," I said finally as I stashed the milk. "I saw he was in town."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I shrugged. "You didn't need to know."
"I didn't need to know?" Adam asked. "That my rapist is back in town? Thanks, little bro."
My heart dropped as I spun on my heels. Adam was still on the floor, still staring at the ceiling. I frowned.
"That's not fair. What would bringing him up have done? You would have just been more like"—I waved a hand at him—"this."
"Broken? Fucked up? Pathetic?" Adam pushed.
My hands tightened into fists. "I never said that."
"Didn't have to. You let me know when you're done playing super brother, so I can stop pretending, too."
My stomach tightened. I knew it was part of his sickness.
The PTSD, the BPD, the anger, the frustration, the anxiety.
The doctor had explained it to me slowly after the last episode.
Adam had let him because it was easier to let him do it than to explain what was going on inside his head.
That didn't mean it didn't hurt. Didn't mean that every word out of his mouth wasn't like a knife to my lungs.
"I'm… I don't know what to say to that, Adam," I admitted, my throat tight. "What do you want me to do?"
"Kill the bastard."
My heart jumped. Adam didn't know about what I did. I never told him. He would just think he had screwed me up in yet another way. When, really, it had very little to do with him and everything to do with who my father was. I'd already tried to take the asshole out once. But I had failed.
And with my father, if you failed once? It was damn rare you would get another chance.
"I'm kidding, Onyx." Adam sighed as he finally dragged himself up from the floor, his voice flat and empty. "Sorry, I'm being a shitty person." He pushed his fingers into his hair and tugged. "Thanks for the food. I don't need your help after this."
I stiffened. "Adam…"
"I'm not going to fucking kill myself," he said with a roll of his eyes, as if I was the one being unreasonable.
"I have a nurse who's going to be coming around to help out a few days a week.
You have a job, a life. Go do those things.
Stop coming around here, reliving old wounds that are never going to heal. "
Adam shuffled toward the bathroom as I was left behind.
I stared after him, wanting to run to him and protest. It wasn't him.
He couldn't help it. And it wasn't fair that my father was the reason he was like this.
But as I took a step toward his bathroom, I stopped myself.
I might not be my father, but I was sure it was hard to look at me sometimes.
That thought struck hard, stealing the air from my lungs.
I stepped backward once, and then again.
This time, I didn't push him. Didn't ask for him to come with me, to let me take care of him, didn't hover and beg him not to walk away.
I got the message loud and clear; now that my father was back in town, he didn't want anything to do with me.
I stumbled back like I'd been struck before I turned and left the apartment.
The door slammed behind me, and I found myself running.
It felt like if I stayed there with him, I would lose what little bit of sanity I had left.
I didn't bother with a taxi. Instead, I walked until my legs ached and I was forced to take the subway back home.
My chest squeezed the entire time, but I didn't stop moving.
*********************
The bar was packed. People were bumping into each other in torn jeans and messy hair.
I slumped in a booth in the back, my hands wrapped around a drink.
What it was, I had no idea. I'd just asked the bartender for whatever he had that was strong.
Now, I sat there with the amber liquid, a few melting pieces of ice, and my chest aching.
I lifted the drink and tilted it back. As it poured down my throat, I went back to thinking of Adam.
What could I do to fix this? My mother had always said my father's sins weren't my own, but it was one thing to hear that and another to feel the stone in my chest every time I saw Adam and knew what had made him the way he was. I gripped my hair as I stared into my glass. And then I threw it back.
I pulled out my burner and dialed Cara. When she picked up, I could already feel myself slurring.
"He's back."
There was a long pause. "Shit," she muttered. "Okay, don't panic."
"Too late."
"If he's back, he's after something. Adam's still hidden. I just rechecked all the shell corporations and security measures the other day, but I can run it again."
"Please."
"You've got it." She paused again. "Onyx, I need you to take a deep breath, babe. You've got this. You know if he's back, then he's either trying to get you or get to you. Don't let him do either."
"I know."
"Please, you don't sound great. Where's that guy?"
I froze. Immediately, I knew who she was talking about. Lucero.
"Not sure."
"You have a tracker on him. And I'm pretty sure you can just text and he'd come running from what you told me."
I stiffened. "I can't have him involved in this. Anything he can use to get to me, he will. And my husband can protect himself, but he has family too. I'm not dragging everyone into my shit."
"You need to let people in," she urged. "God, I hate this. Once that man is taken care of, I'm finding you, we're getting coffee, and I'm hugging you until you're blue in the face."
I smiled despite myself. Cara really was so sweet to me. I missed her as much as she missed me. But it was too dangerous. I kept her out of my shit too. It was safer that way, easier. Or at least, that's what I told myself.
The bartender brought me another drink, and I held up two fingers. He stared at me, and I stared right back with a look that said yes, really. When he left, I focused on Cara again.
"I'll be okay. Focus on Adam for me. He needs it."
"You've got it."
"Hey, did he really hire a nurse?"
Cara's fingers flew over keys. After a few moments of me polishing off the drink and the other two arriving, she came back.
"Yes," she said. "Just hired her the day before yesterday. Wow, she kind of looks like your mom."
My chest tightened. "That's sweet."
"Yeah." She sighed. "I'm sorry this is happening."
I shrugged. "It was bound to happen one day."
"Don't drink yourself stupid."
"Too late for that. Thanks."
I hung up because I couldn't take anymore talking. If this thing was really happening, if we were approaching the end, then I was going to go down fighting. My father needed to die. Just because he'd gotten away once, didn't mean he was going to do it again. I wouldn't let that happen.
I downed the drink and stared at my real phone. Lucero's number stared back at me. I could text him, but I held off. Being alone for so long, having to protect everyone around me, it just meant I couldn't get close. And now?
Now, I didn't know how to.
"Fuck."
Onyx: I'm pretty drunk.
Onyx: Can you come get me?
Lucero: Where are you, baby?
Onyx: -_- Seriously? I know you've been tracking me somehow. Come find me.
Lucero: Okay bella. Be there soon.
Not even a denial. I smiled until I realized I was doing it and immediately sat the phone down. Even Lucero was a tie I couldn't afford, but… I didn't want to get rid of him. Not yet. We still had to work on who framed him, still needed to figure out his life.
I would turn him loose when we'd finished that.
For sure.