24 - Ryet
Let it shine
“You’re OK, blood lover . You can open your eyes now.”
But I don’t believe Paul. Because I am dead, or in some fantasy dreamwalk place so I don’t have to face the horror of what’s actually happening to me. I’m alive, and conscious, and have been torn to pieces by scions.
And anyway, why should I believe him? All he’s ever done is lie to me.
“Come on now, Ryet. It was for your own good.”
“I’m an adult, Paul. Have been this entire time. You don’t get to say what’s good for me.”
Paul’s response is a sigh of relief. Because I’m talking to him. Well, not talking out loud. He’s not actually here in this cave where I’m existing as a half-eaten, half-dead monster because that’s how he rolls. Be somewhere safe while all the bad shit happens. Show up in some misty cloud of magic where you know none of it can touch you.
Paul scoffs. “Is that really what you think I’m doing? Hiding ?”
“Yes. That’s what I think. I think you’re a fucking coward who has been using me for almost a hundred years. But the kicker is, it wasn’t what I thought. It wasn’t to make me in your own image. It was to use me to make others in your image.” I open my eyes. Look straight at him. Loathe the fact that he’s beautiful and hate myself for loving him.
His smile is small as he pans a hand around the empty, dreamwalk cave. There are no scions eating me here.
“It doesn’t matter, Paul. Back there, it’s already been done. I’ve been eaten .” I pause to glare at him, daring him to contradict me when the next part comes out. “And it isn’t the first time, is it?”
That small smile disappears. “I’m playing a very complicated game.”
I nearly guffaw. “I bet you are.”
“I’ve taken every precaution.”
“No, you haven’t. If you’d taken every precaution, I would not be a half-eaten, half-dead monster.”
“It was necessary. You’ll see. One day, I’ll have a chance to explain and?—”
“Fuck you. Fuck. You, Paul. There is no ‘one day.’ This is it. You’re not here, so you don’t know. They ripped chunks of flesh off my bones!”
He winces. Then takes a breath. Then tries again. “It’s not permanent. You’re immortal.”
“You say that like it’s a good thing! It’s not, Paul. ‘And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them.’ This is what you did to me! I am nothing but a punishment in Revelation! I am stuck in this nightmare for all eternity and you, the man who claims to love me, the one who claims to think of me as a son, did this to me!”
He scoffs now. “I don’t think of you as a son. That’s kind of… gross , Ryet. We’re lovers.”
“That’s your response to what I just said?”
“You’re missing the point.”
“No, I’m not. I get the point. You are playing a game and I’m your chess piece.”
He sighs while rubbing his hands down his face, suddenly looking very tired. Then he tries again. “The game is important. And trust me when I say this, I don’t like it any more than you do. But it was”—he shrugs—“assigned to me.”
“What was assigned to you?”
“This role I’m playing. I mean, no one wants to live forever, Ryet.”
I’m gritting my teeth when my words come out. “No shit. That’s what I just said.”
But he doesn’t respond to that, just keeps going. “And the vampire? Is there a more diabolical creature in existence? They are loathsome demons. Feeding off the life force of others. It’s despicable.”
For a moment I’m confused because in all the years I’ve known Paul the vampire, he’s never come across as self-loathing. He’s proud. He’s boastful. He’s the definition of a narcissist, for fuck’s sake. But it’s a ploy. I know it’s a ploy because everything about Paul is a lie.
“Well”—he chuckles—“you’re actually correct. Everything about me is a lie.” His face is somber now, and again, I find myself disoriented. “There’s no time to explain now”—which makes me laugh—“but it’ll be over soon and the good news is…” His pause is short, but noteworthy. “The good news is that we always win.” He ends this proclamation with a forced smile.
I just shake my head. “This doesn’t feel like winning.”
But he’s gone, and the purple dreamwalk fades, and I am nothing but a half-eaten, half-dead monster again.
I scream. And it’s not a human one, either. It’s something animal. No. Worse than that. It’s something demonic. Because that’s what I am. It’s time to face the truth. I am a fucking demon .
I am the opposite of everything I wanted to be as a young man and my whole life has been nothing but one, long failure.
“Oh, come on, Ryet. You can do better than that.”
I open my eyes and I’m back in a dreamwalk, only it’s not purple, it’s white . And the person talking to me isn’t Paul, it’s… Jane .
“Jane?” And for a moment I think I might cry. I stand up and just stare at her. “Am I in a delusion? Am I seeing things? You’re not really here. You can’t be here. You’re too good, Jane.”
She smiles and walks towards me. She’s wearing a white, short-sleeved cotton blouse and a pleated mint-green skirt that covers her knees. Her shoes are white with no heel. And I recognize this outfit as one she wore often. At least once a week I would come home from work and find her in the kitchen cooking dinner in these same clothes. If there’s a classic image of Jane in my mind, this is it.
That’s how I know it’s not real. She’s not here. I’m delusional.
“You know that’s not true, Ryet.”
I scoff. “You left me. And it was a one-way trip.”
“I had to. I was told to. And…” She hesitates, unable to meet my gaze for a moment, but she quickly recovers and stares right into my eyes. “And I made a deal.”
“Deal?” I laugh. “A deal? No, go away. I don’t want to hear about your deal. This isn’t real. You’re dead, Paul killed you and the kids, and none of this is real !” I yell this last part. “You’re Paul. You’re fucking with my head. You’re trying to get me to do something. And?—”
“Shhh,” she says, putting a finger to her lips. And it’s such a Jane thing to do, to shush me like she used to shush our children in church, that I actually shut up. “I made a deal, Ryet. To save the souls of our children, but not only that. It’s so much bigger than that. You see, I had a vision when we first got married. He came to me in a dream.”
“Who?” I ask, my heart thumping. But it’s a dumb question. I know who.
“Paul. He was…” She shakes her head. “My God, the man is?—”
“Not a man,” I growl at her. “He’s not a man , Jane. He’s a fucking vampire .”
“Of course he is. But he was a man. Once. And then he got the call. So when he came to me?—”
“Oh, no. No. No, no, please tell me you didn’t fall for his lies, Jane! Please !”
“They weren’t lies, Ryet. It was all true. And this is all so much bigger than just us. It’s about so much more than just a married couple with children. It’s about… everything . Once he explained it all in detail, I understood and I knew what I had to do. Paul asked me if I wanted to go with them or stay with you. And it was my choice.”
“Oh, my God.” I close my eyes and shake my head. “No. Please, don’t tell me this. I don’t want to hear any more.”
But Jane is not interested in what I want—has anyone ever been interested in what I want? She just keeps talking. “I chose to go with them and it was the right choice. Not just for me and the kids, but for you. Because I would’ve just held you back.”
I open my eyes and look at her again. “Held me back?” And now I’m angry. “Your death, the kids, the burning church—these are the reasons I said yes to him, Jane! If this is true, and I don’t think it is, then you’re… you’re a fucking bitch! You ruined my life! I said yes because you were gone! I had nothing left to lose. So hey, why not, right? Why not let this demon kiss me and feed me his blood? Why not let him change me into this despicable creature?”
“You let him do it because you knew it was your path, Ryet.”
“And stop calling me Ryet! That’s not my name! You know it’s not my name!”
“You’re not listening.”
“No, I’m not.”
Her smile is kind and warm, but she sighs. “It was all in the plan.”
I hear the truth. I know it’s all true. Because why wouldn’t the one person I thought was pure and good betray me in the end? Of course she did. They all do. But I can’t deal.
So I turn my back on her. “Go away. Go away and never come back.”
And when I turn around, finally, someone has done what I asked.
But as the white fades back to purple, I hear something.
A song sung by children. My children.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine .
But as I slip back into my own hellish reality, she gets the last word. “Find a way to shine, Ryet. That’s all I have left to say and that’s all you have left to do. Just find a way to shine .”