Chapter 44
A s we were walking on the beach, the bliss I’d been in for a week melted away, replaced by crushing guilt. I pressed my hand to my chest, letting out a small cry. I felt like I’d just woken up from a dream, where the monsters followed me out. In this case, I was the monster in how I had behaved. Trying to feed from Dan, and Matteo killing the bystander because of me.
I couldn’t walk, gasping in panic. I didn’t know what was worse. The crushing guilt, or the absence of my connection with Matteo.
“Quinn, you’re okay.” Matteo’s voice seemed far away.
I couldn’t speak as tears streamed down my face. He lifted my chin, looking into my eyes.
“The blood bond is severed. My blood is gone from your system.” He sounded as disappointed as I felt by our bond being broken.
“I killed him,” my voice was barely audible.
“No, you didn’t. I did.” He wiped tears away with his thumbs. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I killed him.”
“ Because of me. ” I shook my head. “I must bear this burden for the rest of my life.”
His fingers continued to caress my face. “You do not need to carry that weight.”
“Who will, then?” I knew I was getting hysterical, but I didn’t care. “You? Somehow I doubt you’ll give him much thought. Do you value human life at all?” My words stung him; I didn’t need a blood bond to see their impact. “Even I gave him no thought afterwards. I was so lost in what we had that nothing else seemed to matter.” That hurt more than my responsibility in the man’s death. I had lost myself in Matteo, and in doing so, I had lost sight of my morals. “A man is dead,” I whispered. “Because of me.” I had crossed a line, and there was no return from that.
“Be calm,” he murmured. His mind brushed against mine, and a calm washed over me, which only pissed me off.
“Don’t do that! You can’t take this away. Wipe it away just because you feel nothing? I’m not like that. I’m not like you!” My world spun, and in that moment, I needed to be away from him. “Take me home.”
Hurt flickered in his eyes. I may as well have punched him. “You want to go home?”
I started to walk back to his house. “I wanted to be like you. I dreamed it every night. Carlos told me to feed, and I almost gave in. When he offered to bring someone to me, I almost said yes. I would never want that.”
He caught up to me easily, but had no words, his silence hurting me as I knew I’d hurt him. We walked back to the house in silence.
In his bedroom, I pulled everything together, and he led me to his car. The ride to the city was silent. My actions over the last week burned through me.
“Stop the car,” I told him. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
He pulled over and I barely got out before I vomited. Matteo’s hands on me, pulling my hair back didn’t help, and I couldn’t look at him. I climbed back in the car and stared ahead. He didn’t drive, and I could tell he was looking at me.
“Quinn.” His voice was soft. “ Mi amore, look at me, please.”
I turned away from him, staring out the side window. “Please, Matteo, I just want to go home.”
“Please look at me,” he urged again.
I knew if I did, I would melt into his eyes and want his arms around me. “I can’t,” I said at last. “Just take me home.”
The absence of his presence, of the blood bond was hurting me. I missed him and pushed it off.
We finally pulled up outside my building, and I hesitated. Everything in me screamed not to get out of the car, and that I was making a decision that would hurt the both of us. I opened the door.
“Quinn,” he whispered.
I paused.
He reached for me. “Please, mi amore .”
Tears slid down my face, my heart shattering. I climbed out and closed the door, drowning. I turned to gaze at him through the window. “I need you to give me space until I work out how I’m going to deal with this. Do not appear on my balcony; no gifts, nor visits within my dreams. That includes Carlos, too.”
Another expression of hurt passed over his features, and I turned away before I could change my mind. I needed my friends, even if I couldn’t tell them everything, their presence would be the company I needed.
As I returned to my apartment a sense of relief washed over me to be home. I turned on the lights and called Mia.
“Quinn?” Lilith answered the phone. “Are you feeling better?”
“I need you here,” I said as I walked into the lounge. “Both of you,” my voice shook.
“We’re on our way,” Lilith said. “I’ll bring chocolate, and wine.”
I gasped, Matteo was standing on my balcony watching me through the glass.
“Are you alright?” Lilith asked.
“Just get here,” I pleaded and hung up.
“Let me in,” Matteo said.
“No. I meant what I said Matteo. Please leave me alone,” speaking the words hurt. I took a deep breath and let it out. My heart squeezed, and tears stung.
His eyes darted to the door handle, and I moved quickly to lock the door.
“Quinn, I’ve claimed you, that cannot be broken.”
I’d claimed him too, while under the strange influence of his blood. His eyes wouldn’t leave mine, so I pulled down the blind and turned up my music so I could drown out any words through the door.
Niamh stood in front of me, sympathy in her eyes. “Oh, Quinn.”