Chapter 29 #2
“Because I’m done allowing the order to control my life. That’s all they’ve done since before I left the States, and I want”—I shake my head—“no, I need to feel in control again. To prove that I’m worth something beyond what the order thinks of me.”
Bes scoffs. “So, because you need to feel in control, you’re asking us to defy Ansaldo’s orders, commandeer an official order vehicle to drive into a foreign country, and confront a man who’s likely to be, at the very least, a Nazi apologist.”
I glance between them. “Gurlitt might also know more about the Amulet of Amun than the books in the Archive can tell us. But, yes, that’s what I’m saying.”
Bes narrows his gaze. “You’re willing to risk your life to learn more about the Amulet of Amun?”
I sniff. “You would too if your fate has been entwined with it for the past week because the Third Reich wants it badly enough to kill for it.”
He glances away, flexing his jaw.
“Do you at least have a plan?” he asks between gritted teeth.
“No,” I admit. “I’ll need your help with that.”
Bes scoffs.
“Strong possibility of death, complete lack of a plan.” Cec grins. “When can we leave?”
Bes glares at him. “You’ll do anything to anger your father, won’t you?”
Cec scoffs. “As if you don’t want to rile him up as well.”
“I’m going with or without you,” I cut in.
I uncross my arms, hating that I’m about to plead with Bes, to be vulnerable with him again.
“Please. We cannot allow Gurlitt to get away without finding out if he knows where the Arma Christi are, if there’s more to the amulet.
And I need to prove to Ansaldo I can leave this place without pledging myself to the order.
So I at least have the illusion of choice, and then perhaps… perhaps he’ll give me one.”
Bes opens his mouth to say something then closes it, dark brown eyes analyzing me to see if I’m telling the truth or not.
“Fine,” he says finally, and a weight lifts off my chest. I didn’t know until now how much I wanted—needed—his support. “If we’re going to do this, we need to do it right and get fitted for weaponry.” He glances at his watch. “We’ll leave tomorrow morning at o’-six-hundred hours.”
They both turn to leave, but I stop them before they do. “I think we should bring in Anders. We wouldn’t have figured out the amulet without him, and I trust him.”
“Despite what I told you?” Cec asks. “That he might be a spy?”
Honestly, after all he did to help us with the amulet, I nearly forgot about it.
“Like I told you, I truly don’t think he’s the spy. But, as you said, enemies closer and all that.”
Bes scoffs. “Barring that frightening possibility, you want to bring someone else in on this insanity?”
“You wouldn’t have said yes if you thought it insane,” I argue. “Maybe Anders will agree with you.”
“Leave it to me.” Cec exits the room to find him, leaving Bes and I alone.
In the silence, Bes runs a hand through his hair, refusing to meet my eyes.
“You’re right, we need more people in on this that we can trust. I’ll find Kali and Mara, fabricate an excuse.
They’ll need to leave today, undetected.
Kali can be trusted with reconnaissance at the very least, and Mara loves any opportunity to defy Ansaldo. ”
I can’t help smiling a little. Maybe Mara’s not so bad after all.
Before I can thank him, Bes bolts out of the room like he’s being chased by a vengeful spirit. An ache sprouts in my chest as he disappears around the corner and, not for the first time, I feel awful for treating him the way I did.
I don’t, however, feel like apologizing for it yet.
Even when all I can think about is the next time, if ever, I’ll feel his hands at my waist, his thumb hooked beneath my chin, his lips desperate for mine…
“Miss Hawkins.”
Of course. Ansaldo knocks on my half-closed door and pushes it open without waiting for an answer. He does leave it open, though. A small consolation.
“To what do I owe the pleasure of this private meeting, Ansaldo?”
He grimaces. “I wanted to let you know I’ve sent a telegram to your nonna; she knows you’re here and you’re safe.”
I place my hands behind my back and clench them together. “I used to think those two things could be synonymous, but I’ve been here long enough to no longer believe that to be true.”
Ansaldo squints, crinkling the olive skin around his beady eyes. “Well, whatever you choose to believe or not believe, I don’t particularly care. I’ve done as Lucia asked and taken you in. And now I’m afraid there’s nothing left to do but initiate you into the order.”
I clench my jaw. “And there’s no way around it? It’s still join or die?”
Ansaldo purses his lips. “Essentially, yes.”
“Don’t mince words with me, Ansaldo: it either is or it isn’t. Can I walk out of here, free and clear and alive, without eventually having to join the order?”
He holds my gaze. “No, you cannot.”
Something in me collapses hearing it confirmed aloud.
I score my features. “There. Doesn’t it make you feel better to tell the truth for once?”
He ignores me. “I’m going to give you a week. Once that week is up, you will become a member of the Order of Cavendi. Is that understood?”
I swallow my pride just to get him to leave. “Understood, sir.”
He takes the bait, inclining his head as if he respects me and then retreating. I wait a moment before peering down the hall to make sure he’s gone so he doesn’t follow me. I’m not sure how I’m going to find the weapons room, but I’m guessing it’s wherever Bes ran off to.
Once I lock my door, I start down the hallway, finding Kali of all people talking to a large, burly gentleman—perhaps one of the Valtivar by the looks of him. He leaves before I can say hello, throwing a glare my way for good measure.
Seeing me, she pushes off the wall, matching my pace.
“I heard about what happened earlier, with the blood oath. Ansaldo is a piece of work.”
I snort. “He’s a piece of something alright. But I chose to take the blood oath; he wouldn’t let me live without it.”
“You’re right about that.” She eyes me with interest. “It’s nice to find another like-minded person.”
I eye her in confusion.
“I mean, it’s nice to not be the only cynic. The level of blind devotion here is astounding.”
My brow crinkles. “I don’t understand. Did the order force you to join?”
“No, I wanted to.” Her expression falls. “But even before my initiation a couple months ago…”
So, Kali hasn’t been here long either. “Go on.”
She nibbles at her lower lip. “Nothing prepares you for what it feels like—to have the power of the gods living and breathing inside you. For all the voices flying around in your head that aren’t yours.
The order teaches you to control them, of course, and I’ve already gotten better.
But…” She stares at the worn leather bracelet on her right wrist. “I’m not sure it’s what I want anymore. ”
“So quick to shift your loyalties.” And I don’t mean it in a bad way. In my opinion, a person’s loyalty should be, first and foremost, to themselves.
She pushes a dark, errant hair back from her face. “You’ll see. Once you’re initiated, you’ll understand.”
My mouth drops open. “How did you—”
She cuts me off. “I know how Ansaldo operates. Not only have you been here too long for them to let you leave without it, enough members have spoken to him in concern about your presence here. Whether or not you’ve taken the blood oath.
They allow anyone under sixteen to remain oathless, but, beyond that, it’s expected almost the moment you pass over the seal. ”
“Well.” I sigh, right as we stop inside the threshold of the great hall. “You hit the nail on the head. Ansaldo told me I’ll be initiated a week from now.”
Which I plan to sidestep by proving myself capable without it.
I’m not sure if Bes has asked her to do reconnaissance for us yet, so I don’t mention anything about the secret mission.
Her eyes widen. “I’m surprised.” She glances around covertly, and I do too, marking a few people close by who are hopefully out of earshot. “If it were up to anyone else, you would’ve been initiated the first night you came here.”
I swallow at the second-hand threat. “Then it’s a good thing the order is a monarchy and not a democracy.”
She smiles wide. “I knew I would like you.” She nods in the direction of the great hall. “Hungry?”
My stomach gurgles in agreement. “Famished.”
Alas, I’m not meant to eat. Right before we pass into the great hall, where Mara waits for Kali at the threshold, someone down the hall calls out to me.
“Miss Hawkins.” Bes’s gaze on me is hard and unyielding once I turn toward it.
His next words are much lower, though both Kali and Mara can hear him.
He must’ve already spoken to them while I was talking to Ansaldo.
“You’re supposed to be getting fitted for weapons.
Not cavorting with other order members.”
Mara takes a step toward us and glares at him. “Believe me, Bes: you’ll be the last to know if there’s any cavorting going on.”
Her hands tremble and the ice in her blue eyes sharpen. I wonder if there’s a history between them. A small sting of jealousy pierces my chest.
Bes chooses to ignore her, staring me down instead.
I shrug an apology at Kali, more than anything pissed that I’m being forced to skip breakfast because Bes is in a mood. She looks to Bes, who gives her a loaded nod.
“We’ll see you later, Hawkins,” Kali calls after me. I don’t answer, my focus entirely on Bes now.
“Did you already speak to them?” I ask
He’s not looking at me, though, not really. His gaze is pinned at the center of my forehead—a tactic I’ve witnessed professors use in class to make their less attentive students feel awkward. I have to admit, it’s working. The reason behind it, too, lingers like the stench of cooked fish.
“I convinced them that Ansaldo is testing your loyalty to the order by sending you out with an experienced member—me.”