22
JIMMY
Theater kid parties hit different.
Even my socially awkward self had been to a few parties growing up in Astaire, most of them bonfires down by the lake, but there’d been a couple of house parties in the mix. House party vibes were mostly about making out, convincing someone to make out, or avoiding the person trying to get you to make out. Bonfires featured much of the same antics, but as an added bonus, they usually involved showing off, daring someone to do something stupid, and shenanigans. Both types of parties included copious amounts of alcohol. None of them had really been my thing, but early on in my high school years, I’d attended out of a desperate need to fit in, and later, I’d been coerced into going by Mandy and Drea.
In a Venn diagram between your standard small-town house party and a theater-kid house party, there was definite overlap in the make-out and alcohol categories. Where they differed was in the frequency with which someone broke into song and the high percentage of queer folks in attendance. Anyone who turned their noses up at musicals on the basis of the unrealistic nature of breaking out in song every other minute had never been to a theater party, where it was most definitely a reality.
As it turned out, theater parties were much more my vibe. I wasn’t inclined to burst into song anytime soon. However, I was certainly queer, and while not every person present claimed a spot on the rainbow, everyone was accepting of those who did.
Factor in that it was Halloween, and it was like Christmas for this crowd. I’d spotted three Elphaba-Glinda pairings, two Barbie-Ken pairings, and an entire group dressed up as the cast of The Golden Girls. That one had been my favorite until I saw the couple dressed as Tom Holland and Zendaya from the famous Lip Sync Battle video. By comparison, our Heartstopper costume seemed kind of lame, but TJ assured me it was perfect for us and that it wasn’t a competition.
While one group played Identify Which Elphaba Actress is Singing in the living room, another group was gathered in the kitchen, eating snacks and chatting about TJ’s meeting with the prospective agent scheduled for the end of next week. I was trying to do my very best to play the role of supportive boyfriend, but I’d be lying if there wasn’t a part of me withering on the inside. God, I wanted nothing more than good things for TJ. I just didn’t want those good things to take him away from me.
“Wait, so you already have a meeting set up?”
Tracy, the girl who’d played Mimi in Rent, asked.
“It’s happening so fast. Dr. Fisher helped me schedule a phone meeting with this agent, Lucy Franklin, this afternoon and sat in on the call so she could help me navigate everything. I mean, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
He chuckled and raked a hand through his hair. “Ms. Franklin wants me to come to Chicago in two weeks to meet with her and go on an audition for a touring production of Mean Girls.”
“Holy shit. An audition? Like with a real production?”
“Right?”
He glanced at me, a shadow momentarily passing over his eyes. It was like the sun passing behind a cloud, then popping out bright as ever on the other side. “It’s insane!”
They continued talking about the upcoming audition. What song he was preparing. What he was going to wear. But I only listened with half an ear. I’d known all this before the party since we’d talked about it while getting ready. But hearing it recounted dredged up the same foreboding I’d felt when he’d first gotten the call.
The last couple of months with TJ had been, hands down, the best of my life. For the first time, I’d stopped worrying about where I fit, secure in the knowledge that I fit with him. I was becoming more comfortable in my own skin, in owning who I was and accepting all the flawed pieces of myself. And I was learning that just because my mother hadn’t loved us enough to stay didn’t mean I was fundamentally unlovable. The flaw was within her, not me.
So now what? If he left to pursue his dreams, where did that leave me? Could I survive without him? Sure. But I didn’t want to have to. Didn’t want to go back to sleeping by myself. Waking up without his arms wrapped around me. Eating alone. I didn’t want to walk through life without the sound of his laugh. A kiss hello. A smile that could give the sun a run for its money.
“You okay, sunshine?”
I looked up to find TJ’s eyes on mine while the others were engaged in conversation. I mustered up a smile. “Yeah. I’m good.”
“I’m scared too.”
He pressed a kiss on my forehead, somehow always able to read my mind. “It’s a lot to think about.”
“You’ll be great. You’re so talented. You’ll figure it all out.”
“I wasn’t talking about that. I’m scared about what it means for us.”
“Oh.”
“This isn’t just about me, baby. It’s about what it means for our future. I don’t want to lose you.”
I frowned. “You’re not considering bailing on the meeting because of me, are you?”
He pressed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “No, I’m gonna take the meeting. I just…will you come to Chicago with me? I don’t want to go alone.”
“Seriously? You want me there?”
His eyes popped open, his blue-violet irises boring into mine. “Of course I want you there. You’re my… Jesus, Jimmy. You’re my everything. There isn’t anything I want to do on this Earth without you by my side.”
Oh shit. Oh no. Fuck. My heart hammered, and I swallowed past the lump in my throat. I was in love with him. I was in love with TJ, and he was leaving. It wasn’t a sure thing. He still had to take the meeting and go on the audition. But the ball was rolling, and I had no reason to think he wouldn’t get it. I had two choices. Start pulling away, build those walls back up so it wouldn’t completely take me out when the time came, or I could go all in and soak up every last bit of him while I still could.
It felt a bit like pulling the pin from a grenade, but I kissed him and said, “Yeah. I’d love to go with you.”