Chapter 7
SEVEN
ROMAN
Something changes the following weeks since the day we spend together.
Since the day I shared something with him that I haven’t shared with anyone in my life.
The first time I even wanted to, because Jesse looked at me like he knows what it’s like. There was no pity in his eyes when I mentioned my mom and dad, only sympathy and understanding.
It felt as if something in me recognized something in him. This beautiful boy who flew like a blue jay into my life and altered the course of it.
It’s gradual and subtle, so I don’t notice it at first.
Jesse is hardly ever in his room anymore.
He studies on my bed with all his books spread around him while I pretend to do the bare minimum.
He sits on my desk watching me draw while he munches on his favorite snacks, smiling.
Always smiling. He comes to me at night when he can’t sleep and curls into my arms, sleep claiming him instantly.
Like he can’t stay away, like he needs me to sleep.
Like he needs me.
And I fucking love it.
I no longer watch him from a distance at school. I’m always seeking him out during breaks, if he doesn’t find me first. I feel like I’m always aware of where he is, like we’re gravitating around each other, always close, never too far.
It’s addictive. It’s inebriating. It makes me feel powerful, like I can do anything, like I will do anything he wants me to if he only keeps looking at me with his baby blues full of mischief and melancholy.
Before I know it, November is in full swing, and for the first time I don’t loathe my birthday month as much as I usually do.
But even Jesse can’t keep my mood from worsening. At least not completely.
“Ro?”
I groan internally at the shortened name he’s started using for me.
Who knew one little syllable could suck the oxygen from a room?
“Yeah, Blue?” I turn to look at him over my shoulder where he’s sitting cross-legged on my bed with a textbook in his lap, a pleased smile on his lips.
Fuck, I love how much he loves the pet names I give him.
“Why are you sad?”
His point-blank question in that blunt tone is enough to make me want to chuckle.
I’m already getting up from my desk chair and heading over to him before I’ve even realized I’m doing it.
“I am?” I mumble, as he puts down the textbook next to him and makes room for me to lie with my head in his lap, looking up at him.
His gaze is steady, unflinching, seeing right through me as he sweeps the hair off my forehead.
“You are. Want to tell me what’s wrong?”
I sigh deeply when Jesse’s fingers card through my hair, running through the strands, tension I didn’t know I had bleeding out of me.
God, it feels so good.
“My birthday is in a couple of weeks.”
He peers into my eyes, his soothing touch never letting up.
“And I take it you don’t like it.”
“I fucking hate it. Everything about this day reminds me of things I don’t want to remember.” Like being put into this world by people who were supposed to care about me and instead decided that I was not worth their time or attention.
He nods at my words and doesn’t push me for more. He never does, but he’s always there, patiently listening to me.
“Well, look at it this way. It’s about time you joined us, adults. I’m sick of being the older and wiser one.”
My eyebrows probably climb high enough to reach where his fingers are touching me.
“You’re eighteen already? How is that possible?”
“Is that a dig on my height and general baby-faceness?”
I chuckle, my body shaking at his absolute ridiculousness.
“No, Blue. I’m just wondering how you’re not in college already.”
His light blue eyes dim at my question, losing their earlier spark, and that loss sits heavy on my chest.
“I—uh—had to start school later than others due to some shitty circumstances.”
He says it calmly, merely stating a fact, but his shoulders slump and his fingers pause in my hair.
I hate seeing him like this—defeated, numb.
“Are those shitty circumstances the same that started the sleepwalking?”
His head hangs forward, causing the long strands of his hair to fall forward as well, like a golden curtain, partially hiding him from my view.
I don’t want that. I want to see everything, know everything he is, everything that made him who he is. As long as he wants that too.
Sitting up, I gently brush his hair back, tucking it behind his ears, grazing the soft skin of his neck. A faint shiver goes through him, his eyes fluttering for a second before looking at me.
It only takes a few movements from both of us, until he’s curling under my arm, head resting on my shoulder, breathing his sigh on me.
“I should have woken up, Roman.” His voice is small, barely audible. “I should have woken up, but I didn’t.”
I stiffen at his words, but remain perfectly still as I manage to utter, “When?”
Jesse is quiet, his breaths puffing irregularly against my neck, and something about those shaky exhales makes me pull him in tighter.
“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, Blue,” I mutter against his hair, but he shakes his head.
“I want to.”
Fuck, his answer shouldn’t pour such warmth in my veins.
We remain like this for long seconds, and I can almost feel the moment he decides it’s time.
“It was an awful time back then, Roman. For my mom and me, but she got the brunt of it from the piece of shit that was supposed to be my dad.” He pauses for a moment before he continues.
“He wasn’t in the picture for a long time.
And thank God, as it turned out. It was my mom who took care of me, all on her own.
Who dropped out of college for me, who did fucking everything for me. ”
His voice trembles with love and accumulated anger, and I let him get it all out.
“It was hard, but we were doing fine because we had each other. Until he showed up.” He spits out the word.
“As if he hadn’t fucking bailed the moment he’d found out she was pregnant.
Said he wanted to be a family, and my mom—” He swallows thickly.
“My mom wanted to believe that, wanted to give me a family.”
I brace for what’s going to come out of his mouth next, because I’m sure I’m not going to fucking like it.
“It – it was horrible,” he whispers. “He was always angry, always throwing insults at us, kept saying we ruined his life even though we never asked anything of him. It was my mom who worked three jobs to keep us all barely fed.” His voice cracks and something hot and murderous spreads in my gut.
“One night, I fell asleep and I must have been really tired because I didn’t wake up until almost morning.
And when I did, I found my mom beaten up and him gone.
” Jesse lifts his head and the haunted look in his eyes is like a punch in the stomach.
“I didn’t wake up, Roman. He hit my mom and I didn’t wake up. ”
Guilt pours out of him in waves, but I just hold him, waiting for his heartbeat to slow down, for his breathing to even. And it does.
Our gazes stay locked as I brush a strand of his hair off his face.
“It wasn’t your fault, Blue.” The look he gives me is raw vulnerability. It reaches deep and doesn’t let go. “You’re safe. You both are. That’s all that matters.”
His blue eyes are big, wide, and shiny as he stares into mine, and when he nods, some of the tension leaving his body, it feels like the greatest reward.
“Anyway, he disappeared from our lives for good, but it took some moving around before we could make a home somewhere so that I could go to school.” He glances at me with a small, sheepish smile. “So much for making you feel better. I only bummed us out more.”
I snort internally at his words. I don’t give a shit about me feeling better.
What I do give a shit about is never seeing this fucking angel so damn sad, never watching him think even for one second that he did something wrong, that he could have stopped that asshole and he didn’t.
And having seen how much his mom loves him, I’m one hundred percent sure she must be more than grateful that Jesse didn’t wake up that night.
All it takes is a few minutes in their company to realize how fiercely protective they are of each other, how supportive, how loving, how accepting.
It must be nice, having a family like that.
He’s fidgeting with his purple sweater when I tug on one of his golden locks until he yelps, his eyes snapping back to mine.
“You didn’t bum anyone out. And stop giving me that face, I can’t fucking take it.”
He blinks at me before he presses his lips together to suppress a smile, a faint blush tinging his cheeks.
And I’m a fucking sucker for that blush.
Which is why I can’t help opening my mouth and digging my own grave.
“What will it take to wipe that damn sadness off your face, Jay bird?”
Surprise flashes through his beautiful eyes, before something mischievous dances in their depths.
The grin that blooms on his face is worth whatever he’ll put me through.
“Oh, I’m sure I’ll think of something.”
Yeah. I’m sure he will.